This Road

Church, Voting, and the Pulpit

2008-10-02T15:52:00.002-04:00

I ran across this article in the Star Tribune today about a preacher from a Community Church from Warrod. He was very clear about which candidate he was endorsing and even preached from his pulpit why the congregation should vote for this particular candidate in the upcoming presidential election. The article itself poses an interesting question: if we start campaigning for candidates from the pulpit should the church and the pastor lose its tax-exempt status? I'd suggest taking a look at some of the comments and checking out the related poll. It's always good to get a read on the world at large.

It is interesting being a rookie pastor and having our first year in the parish also include a(nother) very heated presidential race. I've talked about the election from the pulpit already this year but not to tell people who to vote for. I never even mentioned the candidates by name, I instead talked about the division elections like these (and the ones in 2000 and 2004) can cause in the world, church, and even seminary. I like to think I was not crossing a line there but where exactly is the line?

I remember four years ago at the 2004 election hearing a story about some reporters from a major newspaper who went to a major benefit concert where it was very clear that all the proceeds from the concert were going to the Democratic Presidential fund. They were subsequently fired for this because there were clauses written into their contracts that they were not supposed to show public support for one candidate or another. Though I doubt a congregation would be this harsh on us, are we somewhat under the same type of unwritten contract? We will all eventually choose someone to vote for and go ahead and vote on election Tuesday but do we make our vote public to the church? Should we have bumper sticker or pins or shirts that show our endorsement for a certain candidate? If people in our church ask us who we're voting for do we tell them? But then again, does this mean we hide behind a rock? Does this mean we shouldn't caucus (because then it's very clear which side we're batting for and we could run into congregation members there) or shouldn't go to rallies where we get a chance to hear the candidates in person?

Granted I know for some people it will be more obvious to the congregation where we fall on the political spectrum and certain churches will tend to attract a more conservative or liberal pastor depending on their congregational make-up. But that does not necessarily give us the right to endorse someone or be really blatant about who we're voting for or does it?

I'm not looking for cut and dry solutions here, I'm just curious about other people's take on it. I personally would never endorse a candidate in the pulpit of course (I don't really tell that many people who I vote for anyway) but I will gladly tell people to do their civic duty and get out there and vote.

TRUTH

2008-09-17T17:14:00.003-04:00

Alright, I'll be honest. This word can be a bit scary to me. Right now I'm working on my first talk for Alpha and the topic is Christianity: Boring, Untrue, and Irrelevant? so I get to talk about why there are perceptions that Christianity is boring, untrue, and irrelevant (and it's surprisingly easy) and then I get to flip it and talk about why Christianity is actually exciting, true, and relevant. The first and last point are easy for me. After all, with The Source this past year I've been working hard to break these perceptions by using unique types of worship and preaching and music and such. However, the "true" part is another matter altogether.

One thing I've learned about my generation, those right between Gen X and Gen Y (and including both) is that we tend to live in a much more pluralistic world where multiple truths are accepted and declaring one, overarching, and ultimate truth is looked down upon. I mean, how can you really point something as true when we all have our different views of what truth is. What I see and experience as truth in my life might be completely different than yours. I'm reminded of Star Wars, where Obi-Wan Kenobi tells Luke he didn't lie about his father, he still told the truth, from a different point of view. It seems like that point, as ridiculous as it may have sounded back then, more appealing and used more often.

We all experience different truths in our lives. So, how does Christianity, how does God, how does Jesus speak to all of our different experiences of truth? And how in the world can I speak to that in this class as I look to tell people that Christianity is the truth? After all, Jesus declaring "I am the way, the truth, and the life" isn't exactly the most friendly, inclusive quote there is.

And the funny thing is that I do think Christianity is true and that Jesus is the truth which means this shouldn't be this hard. It just means that it's tricky. Truth is a loaded word and I don't want to use it lightly. So, what is truth? Why is Jesus the truth? Why is Christianity true? Ultimately we need to decide for ourselves what we believe is true. I can tell you what I think is true and you have the make the decision yourself, knowing that my notion of truth might be different from yours. My way of experiencing what is true is different than your experience.

Alright, that's enough rambling. Back to writing the lesson plan. If you have any insight, please let me know!

Living an Unexpected Life

2008-09-09T18:24:00.003-04:00

Dear readers I apologize for the lack of communication over the past month or so. It has been a whirlwind of activity, change, chance, prayers, and surprises. I find myself living a very different life today than I thought I'd be living at graduation or even a year ago. I never thought I'd still be in the Twin Cities doing ministry, would have a call lined up to a large church in the cities, or be working specifically with small group ministry. It's funny how things can change so quickly.

First of all, I am now living in the southern metro area, the southern suburbs. I spent pretty much my entire MN life living in the northern suburbs which was a great area. And there was always this mentality that the southern suburbs were more afluent and a common term to describe our southern counterparts were "cake-eaters." I'm not quite sure who started this term or how it's used outside of the cities but it's there. It was definitely used as a pejorative term one way or another. I suppose we northern suburbanites prided ourselves in not having all the money and affluence that the southern kids did and still were able to have good schools, good sports programs, good music programs, and a good life without as much money (and the northern suburbs were still very middle class which, considering everything else, could be considered being rich). But, this is the mentality and the system I was used to. And now I find myself as one of those people I made fun of back then, I am now a cake-eater. I now have a very nice apartment in Eden Prairie and it's kinda funny and kinda weird. But, this was where God called and here I am I guess. :)

But, above all, I would never complain. I am so grateful for this opportunity to finally do what it is that God has been calling me to do. Granted, the call is very unexpected in itself. I had always claimed I would be a youth pastor and tacked on young adult pastor in the past couple of years. Instead of doing that, I'm working with small groups, a bit of adult education, and alternative worship. But it's funny, it seems like my past years in ministry through internship, through my experiences with other churches, has really led me to the position and had been truly training me for this. I know I have a ton to learn but I also know through my experiences that I have the qualifications needed to start.

Anyway, a quick rundown of all that's happened:
-Voted on August 6 by the congregation to be called
-Moved to Eden Prairie August 15
-Started new job on August 18
-Ordained and installed on September 7
-Preached my first semon on September 14

I know I have a lot to learn and I look forward to learning and growing and sharing with you readers all these crazy experiences! Thanks again and I promise to be more diligent in my posting!

When It Rains...

2008-08-12T17:52:00.001-04:00

It's been quite a week! In the past week this is what's happened:

-Congregational vote at St. Andrew Lutheran Church in Eden Prairie. I went, greeted people, gave a devotional, talked about myself and my call, and then left to await the result of the vote. I got the call 45 minutes later. The verdict: 60-2 to call me as an associate pastor of small group ministry and LiveWire (their alternative/contemporary worship service). I have a call! Needless to say, I was elated and I think I talked about 20 miles a minute for the rest of the night (I went out to eat with my parents and boyfriend after the vote).

-Road trip the Colorado Springs for my boyfriend's cousin's wedding. And somewhere in there someone decided that it would be a good idea to drive through the night. I usually don't sleep well in cars but I found out the tylenol p.m. is my friend. Had a great time at the wedding, got poured on before the service, enjoyed the beautiful mountain views and the beautiful wedding, and had a great time hanging out with my boyfriend's family.

-Got my first speeding ticket! It was in Nebraska literally right after I pulled off of the ramp onto the interstate. I was the follow car and the other car had jetted ahead so I had to try and play catch up. Plus, the lead car insisted on going 85 in a 75 which I was not happy about the in the first place. And of course, it's me that gets pulled over. To top it off, the cop was a prick about it and did a really bad job. Take for example I was driving my friend's car and it was obviously not registered to me. However, he doesn't even ask about the fact that it's not registered to me. Add to that, I go to push the flashers button right when I get pulled over and the button literally falls into the dash. The flashers are going and we have no way to turn it off. Needless to say, this isn't very safe and we tell the police officer what happens. He gives me the ticket, goes back to his car, and then yells at us to start driving over his bullhorn. So, we have no choice but to get on the road with our flashers going. We catch up with the lead car at a shady motel and work on getting the flasher problem fixed. It doesn't happen. However, two of the guys have a friend in Omaha that they were planning on stopping to say hi to anyway who happens to be good with fixing cars so he can take apart the dashboard. Our solution in the meantime = remove the fuse that is connected with the flashers. The good news: the flashers have stopped. The bad news: I can't use the turn signals. The solution? Use hand signals when making a lane change or turn. So, for the next hour I roll down my window every time I want to make a lane change and stick my arm out. Honestly, it was pretty entertaining. The car did get fixed and everyone chipped in for the ticket and people are pretty sure it shouldn't affect my insurance. We shall see...

On the ticket for this week:
-Move into my new office (I have a nameplate already!)
-Move into my new apartment
-Finish up at my job for the past year at the Student Services Office
-Finish TA's a class on Galatians and Philippians
-Finish packing (maybe...)

"I Don't Go to Church"

2008-07-31T11:38:00.002-04:00

This is the title of the first sermon series for The Source. Those of us on the launch team were asked to come up with perceived problems with the church. What are people's common critiques of the church? What are your critiques of the church? Why do you think people don't go to church? What is out there that gives the church a bad name? I must say, as a regular churchgoer, I had more fun with this than I should have. Here was my response in a nutshell.

1. I hate it when churches differentiate between who's in church or going to church and those who are not. Whether they label it as churchgoers and non-churchgoers, Christians and "real" Christians (if you really want to make me mad, start using that dichotomy), us and them, there's always that versus quality to it and also a snobby and country club feel to that language. We're so much better people because we go to a church. We're better people because we believe in God and the rest of the people are scum. Somewhere in there we've lost sight of the fact that we're all sinners and fall short (Romans) and that we're still fully sinners (simul iusuts et peccator or we're fully sinner and saint as Christians). Just because we're Christians doesn't make us any better than anyone else or any less suceptible to sin (see various church scandals, some of which I have experienced first hand at my home congregation). And yet, that judgment is still there. Judgment because of apperances. Judgment because of lifestyle choices. Judgment because of social status. Judgment because of jobs, etc. Apparently people just like to ignore verse about judge not lest ye be judged...

2. I hate when people make sacred cows out of things that are not sacred. The first commandment is we shall not have any other gods and the second is we shall not make idols. However, it seems that we have made sacred cows or idols out of things such as worship styles, reading creeds a certain way, using certain liturgies, bulletins, music styles, etc. "It's not real church if we aren't doing _____." It's not real church if we aren't using an organ. It's not Lutheran if we aren't using the Red Book, the LBW, or the ELW (various worship books we've used as a church to help us lead worship at churches). Yes, tradition is important but when tradition starts becoming a bigger deal than God, well, then we have a major problem. And I especially hate it when just because someplace is doing church a bit differently be it because of worship styles, songs, elements of the service, etc. others don't consider it real church. I'm sorry but that's BS! Even the Lutheran Confessions (theological principles that we as Lutheran adhere to) are on our side ("Church is wherever the Word is rightly preached and the sacraments are properly administered").

3. The church also is bad at using people as they are. The church expects people to fit into certain molds. They come up with volunteer positions and then try to find the people and make them fit into the roles rather than first meeting the people and then figuring out what best fits them and how to best use their unique gifts and talents. It's like writing a job description for a very specific and important position for a person you've never met and yet you expect it to fit perfectly. People are diverse and have diverse gifts and the church isn't necessarily good at respecting taht and best utilizing people's gifts.

4. Along with that same vein is the issue of clericalism: the expectation that people in charge whether it's the staff and the pastors especially are supposed to do everything. And the worse thing is, there are a lot of pastors out there who like it that way and encourage this! The pastors believe they're supposed to be doing it all and they have little or not respect for other people's gifts or ideas. The pastors aren't suppose to be the only ones running the church and reaching out into the world. We're all in this together and we all have gifts that can and need to be used.

So, those are some of my complaints and my reasons if I weren't already a churchgoer/pastor-to-be that I wouldn't go to church and/or reasons I find church very frustrating. If you have any more to add or you want to react to something, just make a comment!

Commitment

2008-07-18T11:07:00.002-04:00

Last year, while I was pondering job options I got this advice from a friend, teacher, and mentor: "guard your heart." In other words, don't get too attached to the idea of taking a call here in order to make sure you don't get hurt. Don't commit because it might end up breaking your heart.

Not surprisingly, this wasn't hard for me to do. I have always been a bit jittery about commitment whether it's not getting my hopes up with jobs, relationships, and life and general. I don't like to count my chickens before they hatch in other words.

And yet, there is something to be said about taking the plunge, about giving your heart to a cause, a place, or a person. Yes, it is dangerous because you can end up getting hurt in the end if something doesn't go through, if someone doesn't reciprocate, if you're counting on something only to be let down. But at the same time, I always wonder how much we can really go forward while still guarding your heart, while still holding something back.

In order for any relationship whether it be friendship or relationship with a significant other to work, you need some sort of vulnerability. It requires commitment. And I've found the same as I've search for jobs this past year. I lost one potential call because I was guarding my heart. I didn't want to fully commit because there was a chance that I wouldn't get what I ultimately striving for and it cost me. Sure, I had everything to gain by getting placed in NC but I also had everything to lose if I committed to NC and then never got the job. I wasn't ready to put my heart and life on the line and because of that, I didn't get placed there.

Instead, months later I still found myself waiting for something to come and it did in the form of a church in the area. I prayed, negotiated with the synod, and got my name put through as a candidate. And it was scary because it was already May, most of my good friends had calls already (and deservedly so!), and my student loans were going to come due in July. And this time I knew there was no holding back. I put my all into interviewing, into preparing, into researching the congregation, and found a place that I could easily see myself calling home. But with each subsequent round came another chance for me to lose something. Each new round gave them a chance to reject me, turn me down, and spit me out into the world again, back where I started with no job and a lot of stress. And yet, even though I knew that I could get crushed so easily, there was no holding back. Each round I got more attached to the idea of me at this church. Each round I found myself plotting out in detail my first six months in the congregation. Each round I found myself more vulnerable to being so close to the job and also so close to heartbreak. And yet, in spite of all of this I found myself in a new place. I was finally ready to commit.

Yes, it was scary. I warned my friends that if I didn't get this job I would probably be a mess for at least a week. I tried to come up with a Plan B but my heart was never really into it. I prayed, A LOT. I let my guard down truly trusting that God could clean up this mess and mend my heart if it came down to that. Because even though we do not live in a faithful society, I believe in a God that is faithful in spite of everything. Yes, I will take the plunge, I will commit, I will take my guard down because I need to. This world calls for it in order for relationships to form, for there to be friendships, for there to be that true vulnerability that fosters trust but yes, we will and I'm guessing most of us have been let down. But we also have a God who promises to pick up the pieces and put us back together again and make us whole in the truest sense. And we have a God that is fully committed to us, even though we let God down and break God's heart time and time again.

But the great thing with committing is the reward will often outweigh the risks. Friendships are strengthened, relationships are deepened, and people get to know and love you for who you really are. And in my case, as I went CALL OR BUST I finally found the former. On August 6 a church in the Twin Cities metro area will vote to call me as their Pastor of Small Group Ministry and LiveWire (their alternative/contemporary worship service). It's not necessarily written in stone yet but I'm willing to commit before the chickens hatch in this case. And I hope to bring this same vulnerability to the call. I hope to be able to give my heart to this congregation, this position, this ministry, these people, and this amazing call from God. And even if they don't love me back at times (and I'm sure there will be struggles going the other way too), I will still do my best to stay committed because they were willing to take the chance on this pastor wannabe in the first place.

The Death of the Midnight Movie Showing

2008-07-07T13:26:00.003-04:00

I love movies. I think this has probably come across in some of my previous blog entries. And because I love movies, I also happen to love midnight showings. Midnight showings happen when a new, big, potential blockbuster is coming out. They have a special showing at 12:01 so we can be guaranteed to be the first people to experience the movie.

Truth be told, midnight showings were a pretty geeky affair. I remember seeing Star Wars Episode III right after my first year of seminary. I went with some friends from church and one of them dressed up in his Jedi Halloween costume and I even attempted to put my hair in the Princess Leia buns (it didn't work, my hair isn't quite thick enough). I remember seeing Star Wars Episode II in college with a bunch of my college buddies. The whole theater started cheering when Yoda walked onto screen during the last big fight scene because we knew exactly what was coming.

The point being midnight showings used to attract a very specific brand of people: geeks. We had a ton invested in whatever movie it was that we were seeing. For movies like Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Spider-Man we were deeply invested in the characters, we knew the mythology behind the stories, and this time was sacred. Even though we sometimes know what's coming, it still is fun to watch it unfold as the director and writers have interpreted it. It's fun to see our favorite stories and characters come to life.

However, as I've gone to more and more movie showings lately I've noticed that this is not the case anymore. When I went to Spider-Man 3 last year, people started laughing at the end of the movie during a particularly dramatic death scene. Granted, it wasn't the best scene ever but way to ruin the movie for the people around you. If people hadn't have been laughing, maybe I would have been able to feel some real emotion. Basically, way to ruin the moment for everyone else.

In May after classes had finished I went to see a midnight showing of Prince Caspian in the local theater. I was by myself which was fine. There were a ton of people there which surprised me but I figured I'd roll with it. I was a big fan of the books as it was and the author, CS Lewis, was one of my favorites. During the previews I couldn't help but noticing the two girls and one guy in front me of could not stop laughing and giggling and it was really loud and obnoxious. Granted, it was the preview for Beverly Hills Chihuahua which looks like the worst movie idea ever but still, shut it. Then came one of the most dramatic, intense scenes of the movie where the hero is being tempted by a very real evil and it's really symbolic of our temptations as humans and I think it's pretty deep. All of a sudden, they start laughing and giggling again. For no reason. And they won't stop. Are you effing kidding me? I decide that enough is enough and tap their seats with my foot, hoping it will get their attention. No luck. And they're still laughing. Finally, I just do a full out soccer kick to their chairs. They finally shut up and the scene is over. What?!?!

I can't even begin to tell you how mad I was that these people were ruining the movie for me and for the people around us. Somewhere in here, the midnight movie showing has died. It is no longer the thing that only geeks and movie lovers do. Suddenly, all the cool kids who have no interest in movies but are looking for an excuse to get out of the house late on a Thursday night have started coming to these. And honestly, it has started to truly ruin it for those of us who take our movies really, REALLY seriously. And you know, I think I would be fine with it if these people just didn't talk, laugh, and giggle through the entire movie.

Will I keep going to midnight showings? Most definitely, I can't help myself. But I reserve the right to judge the dedication of the other viewers and give a swift kick to the seat if someone won't stop talking/texting during important parts of the movie.

I <3 Baseball!!!

2008-07-03T13:13:00.002-04:00

It's been awhile since I've talked about the MN Twins. Anyway, can I tell you real quick how much I'm loving this season of baseball. Everyone had written off the Twins at the beginning of the season and here we are, keeping up with the big boys and only 2.5 games behind the White Sox. Plus, the D-Rays are killing in the AL East (I love underdog/Cinderella stories).

One of the reasons I love the Twins: they can pull of plays like this!!!!!!!

A Series of Unfortunate (and Humorous) Events

2008-06-26T11:15:00.002-04:00

This past Father's Day weekend was a doozy. There's no other way of putting it. I had the wedding of two good friends in Fargo,ND and due to last minute housing plans, I decided to carpool with a friend and drive up and back to Fargo in the same day/night/early morning in order to save some cash because there were no cheap hotel rooms available in Fargo, go figure! It was a great time, the wedding was wonderful, and we made it back safe and sound... at around 4 a.m.

Fast forward to next day. I've gotten maybe 5.5 hours of sleep and have just spent the day with my family celebrating Father's Day and thus am dead tired. I'm finally heading back to my apartment, throw some junk in the back seat, and go to walk to the front seat of the car and realize that I'm stuck. What the... And then I realize that I have managed to slam my finger in the car door and not feel it. I quickly open the door, examine the finger, see that it's bleeding, and try to bend it (and it works so thankfully it's not broken). I figure that it's bleeding well enough that I don't want to drive home quite yet without gauze and some tape and call back up to my parents (they live in a condo), tell them quickly what happened, and request to be let in. I grab my purse, lock the car door, and start walking to the door.

Mind you, the pain of slamming my finger in the car door and leaving it in the uncomfortably position for more than five seconds has not hit yet. I also realize that I've managed to nick both sides of my finger so it's worse than I originally thought. I go and stand by the door and then it all hits at once. I can feel the blood rushing away from my head as a result of this and it's not good! Again, not broken but pretty close so it hurt like a, well, you know. Add in the lack of sleep and some probably dehydration and I start getting woozy and faint really quick. Thankfully there's a wall and I start sliding down the wall in time for my mom to come out and watch me almost pass out. I get my head between my legs, thankfully never lose my consciousness, and keep talking to my mom, who happens to be a nurse which means she's just a step or two under a doctor. And she worked in a hospital for ages so she's seen it all.

My dad gets down there too, the pain is still there but has subsided quite a bit, and I get up to the condo and get my finger under running water. It's cut pretty bad and I start conferring with my mom about whether or not I need stitches. It should be a pretty easy answer for the nurse practitioner but she starts sputtering and can't make up her mind. And then, get this, she tells me she's not feeling well and has to go and lay down, leaving me in the bathroom with my finger by myself. For heaven's sake, my mom is a nurse! So, my little sister who happens to be a nurse in training and my dad who absolutely no medical experience has to start taking care of me while me mom lays down in order to not pass out. Turns out I don't need stitches and I'm prescribed some antibacterial cream, gauze, tape, and then extensive icing.

I'm feeling fine again and get ready to drive home while my mom decides to call it an early night. In her defense, she started a new migraine medication which lowers her blood pressure and nearly watching her daughter faint was enough to drop it significantly.

But yeah, go figure. For the record, the finger is fine now although I'm pretty sure I nicked a nerve making part of the tip of my finger numb which is an odd feeling but I'm getting used to it. My mom informed me that feeling should come back. Until then, I guess I'll just have to be extra careful that I don't slam it in any more doors because this time I really won't be able to feel it.

Ouch!

2008-06-19T16:33:00.003-04:00

I'm avoiding writing a sermon right now and came across this video on ESPN.com. I'm pretty sure it's intentional too and agree with Rick Reilly on this. The catcher doesn't even look like he's trying. He goes down while the ball goes up. It's kind of sad that someone would actually do it but kind of funny too.

2008-06-11T11:52:00.003-04:00

In case you're wondering what I've done with some of my extra free time this past year. Helping start a new church = fun!

The Myth of Relevancy

2008-06-04T15:36:00.003-04:00

Well, I still don't have a job but I did get the chance to preach this past weekend at The Source which is the church start in Stillwater I've been helping out with this week. This is generally what I preached.

I did something this past week that I haven’t done for ages; as in, it’s probably been at least since September. And it’s something I used to do all the time, in fact, I was quite obsessive about it up until about three years ago. I went and bought a CD! The new Weezer CD came out and since it is officially known as the Red Album, I had to go and buy it because I didn’t want it to be any generic, burned CD. I suppose I could have colored it with a red sharpie but that’s beside the point. Think about it, when was the last time you bought a CD as opposed to simply downloading the song or album online? Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails both released their last albums pretty much exclusively online. We never thought we’d see the day come but CDS are starting to become irrelevant. But then again, we’ve seen this happen in the past. How many of you have ever played around with a record? Or the even more elusive eight track? Cassette tapes? And back in the day, when those came out, they were the next big thing! They would never go out of style! They were here to stay. But their relevancy faded and soon they became simple collectors items that we keep around for nostalgia’s sake.

And this example illustrates the problem with relevancy. The Source, this worshipping community, claims to be relevant because Jesus is relevant. However, somewhere in here, relevant has come to mean what is hip, what is cool, what is trendy. And if we claim to be relevant, does this mean than The Source or even Jesus can fade out just like the cassette tape, VHS, and rotary phones? Can Jesus run out of his proverbial 15 minutes of fame?

And beyond that tricky question the issue of relevancy gets more complicated because relevant means more than simply what’s cool, what’s in, and what’s hip. The word relevant goes much deeper than that. As we look at the meaning of relevancy more specifically we realize that its complicated by the fact that what’s relevant to the culture in general and what’s relevant to me is going to be different than what’s relevant to you. Since we’re running with the music theme take a second to think about what genre of music is most relevant to you. What music speaks the most to you and what’s going on in your life? Any alternative music fans? That’s me. How about country? Pop? Hip hop? Classical? R & B? Metal? Contemporary Christian? And you know, there’s no shame in liking different types of music or having different things that speak to you on a personal level. See, the other thing about relevancy is that it speaks to us where we are in our life; it is relevant because whatever it is whether it’s music, movies, television, books, sermons, or anything else meets us where we are and speaks to whatever it is that we’re going through in life. Relevant means meeting us where we are in life or as the dictionary puts it, it is pertinent to the issues at hand. But the tricky part of relevance is, as we illustrated by our differing tastes in music, is that everyone will not necessarily experience life and relevancy in the same way. What’s relevant to me might not be relevant to you and vise versa. What speaks to me in my life right now might not speak with you.

And where does that put us with Jesus? If we each experience life so differently and different things speak to us more than another person how can Jesus be relevant to all of us? How in the world can Jesus be relevant to every individual here and to the larger world, to people who don’t even share the same culture and language with us, much less the same music tastes?

In order to answer this question we need to figure out what it is that we share as humans, as people who are as diverse as can be in every aspect in life.

This past fall I got the chance to work as chaplain at a nearby hospital. This meant visiting people who were in the hospital for various reasons whether it was because they were recovering after surgery or a major accident or sickness. It was intense to say the least and most days, when I walked into a room and introduced myself I had no idea what to expect. At the same time I was going through a rather difficult spot in my life. I had just made a big move across country from a city I had absolutely fallen in love with and had had to say goodbye to a great many people that I loved and now missed greatly. Plus, it was a tough semester at grad school and I could barely keep up with my class load. I also found myself struggling to try and connect with old friends because we had all changed so much. My life was a mess and I wondered what it is that I could offer these people that I was visiting.

Then came one very memorable day. I was the on-call chaplain for that day which meant if there were any emergencies or traumatic events I was the first to respond. And I came into this day really tired. You ever have those days where no matter how much coffee you drink you still can’t wake up? Yeah, it was one of those days. And of course, this was the day where everything hit the fan. Not even two hours into my shift I was paged to visit with a woman who had been pregnant with twins and had lost one of her babies in utero. For no good reason, the baby’s heart had just stopped beating for no good reason and, as you can imagine, it was heartbreaking for the couple. I visited a person who was suffering from exhaustion and depression and recovering from substance abuse and she broke down into tears in the middle of the visit. I visited people who had had no one come and visit them and were desperately looking for someone to talk to and to listen. I visited people who were in very acute physical, emotional, and mental pain. And I so wanted to be that person that told them that everything was going to alright, that everything was going to work out and that life was going to get better but on that day I just didn’t know. As much as I wanted to I just couldn’t do it. And in those moments on that day as I found myself in over my head in my job and in my life that I saw that common ground that we all share as humans. We all share in pain and uncertainty; we all have doubts and fears. With this realization I wondered how in the world I could be relevant to these people that I was visiting, people who were experiencing very real pain, doubt, and fear. And how could Jesus be relevant to these people and to me who was also experiencing pain, fear, and doubt and who are neck deep in the muck that this life can throw at us? How can Jesus be relevant when we’re brought to our knees by everything we’re facing in our lives?

The answer is simple, really. Jesus is relevant because he’s been there, he’s walked in our shoes, he’s shared in our pain and our uncertainty. In Philippians chapter 2 it is written that “Christ, being in the very nature of God, did not consider equality something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness! And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross!” Jesus is relevant because even though he was God, he was also human. He experienced everything that we do as humans. Through Jesus, God met us in the very messy human world as one of us, he met us in a world that was and is still full of pain, suffering, doubt, and fear.

The night before his death on a cross Jesus had one of those moments that I’m sure we call all relate to. He went up to the Mount of Olives, a hill in Jerusalem in order to pray. And his prayer is one that I know I have prayed before. He prays, “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet, I want your will to be done.” Jesus knew what was ahead of him. He knew his closest friends, those he had called as his followers and those he loved were going to turn him over to his death, were going to betray him, were going to deny that they knew him, and were going to desert him. He knew that he was going to experience pain of the worst kind, not only physical pain of the cross but the pain of seeing those who had followed him and supported him suddenly do an about face, turn on him, and demand his death. Jesus is relevant because he’s been there, he’s experienced the same pain that we face now first hand whether it’s been facing the betrayal of a close friend or significant other, the pain of mortality, the pain of facing a less than ideal or uncertain future, or the pain of living in a less than ideal world where injustice runs rampant and people seem more concerned with getting ahead than loving their neighbors. As the Phillipians passage notes, Jesus has truly walked in our shoes, Jesus is relevant because he came to earth as one of us and experienced life as one of us. He shared in the thing that connects us all as humans, he shared in the pain.

But perhaps what makes Jesus even more relevant is that while he shared in the pain of being human, he came to earth to do something about it. “Jesus humbled himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross!” Through that death, through truly sharing in what it means to be human, and then through rising from the dead Jesus was able to assure that our pain would not last forever. Through Jesus’ death on the cross and resurrection we live assured that this life that is so easily defined by pain and the trials we face will not be the end all. In the end we are told that “God will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

But until that day comes we still live in this world and face the pain. However, we do not walk through this life alone. God promises to walk through this life with us. Jesus tells us in Matthew 28:20, “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Jesus promises to be with us, to the very end of the age. Jesus promises to be with us no matter what, in the easy times and the hard times, through the triumphs and tragedies. And that’s also what makes God relevant. Relevant means meeting us where we are and God did that through Jesus then and God continues to meet us today in the midst of everything going on in our lives. God continues to walk with us in this life as we face all the pain that this world inflicts on us.

Truth be told, if I had the choice and the money, I wouldn’t be here today. I got word earlier this week that the dad of one of my good friends from Charlotte, NC had just passed away after a long battle with cancer and the funeral was yesterday in Atlanta. As I talked to my friend on early Monday morning I listened to her recount her father’s turn for the worse; how they had put him on hospice, how she had held his hand while he was in pain, how he couldn’t speak near the end, how she had watched him take his last breath and I wondered how in the world I could say something that was even close to relevant to her situation. Even though she said she had made much of her peace I could still sense the pain over the phone. How could I be relevant in that situation?

Because here’s the deal, as a community the Source will seek to be relevant and current with our messages and music. Like Jesus before us, The Source will try to be relevant by using illustrations and stories and messages and music that speak to the times. But we will seek to be relevant in other ways; we will seek to be relevant like Jesus was relevant, by meeting each other where we are in this life, in the midst of all the pain, suffering, uncertainty, fear, and doubt.

As I continued talking with Anderea I realized the only thing I could do was listen, was to assure her that I would pray for her, and that even though I was 1200 miles away, I would still walk with her in the midst of everything. I was relevant because I was willing to meet her where she was even though I didn’t even have close to the perfect words. I was relevant because I was willing to walk with her in the pain, even though I admittedly couldn’t fully understand what all of this felt like for her. And that’s what we seek to do here. Sure, we won’t know exactly what you’re going through, but we can be there with you, we can walk with you because we have all experienced pain of our own. We may not have the perfect words but we’re willing to listen and try to understand. You see sometimes being relevant is not about being trendy or wearing the hip clothes or listening to the right music; instead being relevant is about meeting each other wherever we are in this messy world that we all live in. Being relevant is being willing to truly listen to whatever it may be that’s going on in each other’s lives. Being relevant is being not afraid to meet each other in whatever pain we’re facing. And being relevant is reminding each other of the love of a God who loved us enough to walk a mile in our shoes.

Graduation - The End of an Era and the Beginning of the Unknown

2008-05-27T13:18:00.004-04:00

So, Sunday, May 25 I walked across the "stage" at Central Lutheran in Minneapolis and was handed my Masters of Divinity diploma by the seminary president and received my hood. It's official! I'm finished with seminary! I'm a seminary graduate! Whoa!

It was a crazy but wonderful weekend! I found myself in the company of good friends throughout the weekend at Senior Night at Centennial Lakes in Edina, polkaing with friends at Gasthofs, worshipping the night before commencement, cheering on our fellow classmate at the St. Paul Saints game, and eating at community BBQ.

Of course, the main event was on Sunday as my classmates and I gathered together in our black polyester gowns and got ready to end what has been an equally wonderful and frustrating journey at times. This is one of those times when pretty much everyone is happy to be there and the company was fantastic. Most of us were a bit giddy and the females even let out a large cheer when we found out that our graduating MDiv class had more females than males in it. We processed in and found a seats. I had the luck of sitting next to two people I knew fairly well, including the first new friend I had made at seminary. It was a great service, there was no doubt about it and the professor the students had elected to speak brought it home.

However, the service provided an extra emotional wallop for us in the form of our class speaker. I've written a bit before about one of our classmates who was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of leukemia earlier in the year. He's had quite the fight of it and had a bone marrow transplant this spring. It's been amazing to see the seminary rally around this through prayer, encouragement, special services, and visits. And this Sunday, even though rumor had it that he was too weak to make graduation, the Academic Dean paused before announcing the name and said that applause would be welcome for this student. As he called out Scott's name everyone leapt to their feet with applause. Here in front of us was proof that God does answer prayers, that community can make a difference, and that God was very much alive and real. It was extremely powerful and moving. Then, after all the graduates had been present with their diplomas he delivered his address. It was short and sweet and lifted up the importance of this God-given community.

There is so much that my past four years have been about here at Luther and on my internship in Charlotte. It has been about learning and growing. It's been about failing and then learning to start over again in spite of everything. It's been about questioning everything and learning that not having the answers is okay. It's been about growing in my faith and understanding what it is that I'm called to. It's been about learning about God and realizing that I can never understand it all. But, it's also been about learning what it means to be the church with these friends, future colleagues, classmates, teachers, students, and family. Because being the church means being a community. And being a community can be hard sometimes whether it's because we're run down, we're facing various life crises, we're scared of being intimate, we're forced into competition with each other, or we're facing the pain of death and losing an important member of the community. But there is so much joy and support to be found in this community. Often, God will use this community to lift up an individual in whatever life situation they find themselves facing.

These past four years this is what many of us have experienced with each other and we've weaved our way through classes, papers, exams, marriages, babies, breakups, death, health issues, internships, moves, frustrations with the church, jobs falling through, big questions about our futures, and everything in between. And I know that I couldn't have made it this far without my classmates, with those I have shared both tears of joy and tears of sorrow, when I need prayers or vise versa. Seeing and listening to Scott's wise words reminded me of all of these things and reminded me of the many things beyond simply a degree that I was praising God for on that day.

It's been one heckuva journey, there's no way around it. If I had the choice to do it all over again knowing what I do now, would I? In a heartbeat!

Here are some fun graduation pics. Notice the fun, colorful hoods signifying the Masters degree. It's been a great ride. Thanks to all of your for your prayers and support. I truly mean it when I say I couldn't have done this without you!!!!

Kris, me, Becca, and Emily. Kris and I graduated with MDiv degrees and Becca and Emily graduated with MA degrees (Masters of Arts).

Derek, me, and Noah. Derek was the first new friend I made at seminary and Noah and I pretty much have done everything together since undergrad (we were on an outreach team together our freshman year at Gustavus, worked at Wapo together for three summers, were RA's together in the same freshman dorm, and then went to Luther together. Whew!).

Stacy and I showing off our degrees, proof that we actually made it!

The Beginning of the End

2008-05-24T22:27:00.002-04:00

I'm pretty sure I've used this as a blog title before, probably at the very beginning of the year. Right now it's the eve of graduation and I'm stalling before heading out to meet some friends who are also graduating. And yeah, it seems hard to believe that tomorrow I'm walking and receiving my Masters of Divinity and the special academic hood that comes with it. I'm definitely excited, that's to be expected. But it's also a bit weird. I guess I didn't know what to expect when this day finally arrived. This is the first time I'm finishing up a degree with no school in my imminent future (granted I have the feeling someday I'll eventually go on for a Ph. D. *sigh*). But, it's weird. However, I've been determined to not let my lack of a certain future get in the way of celebrating this weekend. One way or another, I like to think a Masters is a pretty decent accomplishment and as scary as the "real world" is, I'm really glad to be done with school and getting on with my future in a church as a pastor. So, my reactions to actual graduation and pictures will be posted later this week. Now, out to continue the celebration!

Done!

2008-05-14T00:19:00.002-04:00

So, today I turned in my last paper... for seminary... ever! This means I've officially finished grad school which seems hard to believe! It's been quite the journey and I'm still not sure how I feel about it other than relieved. The knots that were forming in my shoulders (I carry my stress in my upper back) have all started unknotting and I keep of feeling like I should be doing something or reading something.

But after four years of blood, sweat, and tears this ending is still very bittersweet. With the turning in the final paper begins the beginning of the end. Soon I will be saying goodbye to some amazing friends as we all go our separate directions to first calls in churches. It feels great to be done but I will miss having giggling fits in the library over something that really isn't that funny, talking baseball over lunch in the cafeteria, sitting in the designated "senior spot" in chapel even though the services are less than inspiring most of the time, and knowing that my friends are just a phone call and short drive away. Ah, the life of a grown up. Either way, I'm so grateful to be done with school and to be able to leave this place with my sanity. It's been quite a ride and I look forward to walking with my class 1.5 weeks from now. Maybe by then this all will have sunk in...

Finals!

2008-05-07T14:04:00.002-04:00

So, this is my last round of finals, possibly forever (unless I decide to someday go back for a Ph. D. or D. Min. which sadly, will probably happen). So, hence the lack of posting lately! It's been quite the ride and I have 2 of my 4 finals done already. Granted, I saved one of the hardest and one of the longest (albeit, I will "enjoy" writing this paper) for last. Whew!

It's funny, I really think the quality of my papers has degraded since I've gotten back this year. My friends and I were joking that we should actually footnote one of our papers with "senioritis" because I think we have all been feeling it. But, everything will get done and I should be walking in 2.5 weeks and finally receiving my Masters after 4 years of blood, sweat, and tears.

One interesting thing about the end of this year is I've found myself being a lot more cynical than normal. Most people would describe me as pretty happy-go-lucky in my normal life but I just haven't been feeling that at the end of this semester. I'm just so ready to be done. And I just don't care anymore. And while some people may view this cynicism as a negative thing it's actually been surprisingly good for me. Because in this cynicism I've found myself asking a lot more challenging questions about the system and about doing ministry in the church. I find that because of my frustration I find myself seeing places where I'd like to see change. And for someone who has spent most of her life following the rules to a "t" it's been good for me to question, challenge, and dream up ways to change things. The main trap that I can fall into now is lapsing into the place where I don't care enough to make the changes. So here's hoping this finals week doesn't suck the life out of me enough to make me not question but also strive to answer and change.

2 papers left...

Hiatus

2008-04-22T11:41:00.002-04:00

Hi friends! Just thought I'd let you know that I won't be blogging on this site for the next week or two. I'm prepping to head down to Orlando for a conference on young adult ministry called Leadnow. I'm traveling with a couple of friends from seminary and from the "church start" out in Stillwater called The Source. We will all be blogging on http://leadnowconference.blogspot.com/. Please check this blog out for our thoughts on speakers, ministry, and what God is up to in the lives of 20 and 30 somethings.

The Character of Evil

2008-04-14T22:17:00.004-04:00

I'm behind on my movies watching. Really behind. Hence why only now have I finally seen 4 out of the 5 movies nominated for Best Picture. I actually was fortunate enough to catch 3 out of the 5 before the ceremony (Juno, No Country for Old Men, and Atonement) but I finally got around to seeing There Will Be Blood this weekend which I was told would make me think again about my pick of No Country as the best of the lot (and No Country was the one that did eventually take home the Best Picture win). Both were phenomenal movies in my opinion. But I'm not here to necessarily talk about the movies as a whole but to talk about two of the most amazing, fierce, haunting, and disturbing characters I've seen in any movie in a long time. Both movies had two villains for the ages and both actors rightfully took home Oscars for their brilliant performances.

Warning, if you haven't seen the movies and want to and don't want the endings ruined I suggest you stop reading now...

Seriously, don't read on, this is what they call a spoiler alert...

Alright, you've been fairly warned. The two characters portrayed in the films, the bounty hunter Anton Chigurh in No Country For Old Men and the oil tycoon Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood are absolutely fascinating. They are both calculating, well spoken, and ruthless at what they do. They show no remorse and in one particularly chilling scene, Anton has a very creepy smile on his face as he chokes an unsuspecting cop to death.

Perhaps the most disturbing part of both movies are the endings. In both movies, things are not wrapped up neatly in a bow and justice has not been served. In both cases, the villains keep going. They aren't killed off, they aren't arrested and brought to justice. The movies both end rather abruptly leaving us wondering what just happened. And let's face it, we want those nice, neat endings. We want justice, we want to know that evil of this magnitude gets what it deserves. But instead we are left knowing that these villains, these evil men keep on living and perhaps go on to wreck more lives.

I think I'm a bit weird because I appreciate these types of endings. Because when it comes down to it, life isn't wrapped up nice and neatly in the end usually. And as scary as it may seem, there is evil out there right now that isn't being brought to justice. Evil exists out there in very real ways. I am reminded of this more than ever now as tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the Virginia Tech shootings something that no one still has an explanation for. And yes, this thought is scary and worrisome. I don't like the thought that there are men like the men portrayed in this two movies or people who will walk into a school, shopping mall, or crowded market and open fire on anyone around them. It's hard knowing that there are ruthless killers out there, people willing to do whatever it takes to get their way, people with no discernible conscience, people who will use others to get their way, people with no fear of the consequences from others or from God.

So, how do we do it? How do we go on knowing that there is great evil out there? I think we keep going because we know that there is a potential for great good in the midst of great evil. I am reminded of the story of the professor who blockaded the door in order to save his students. I am reminded of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German Lutheran Pastor who headed up an assassination plot against Hitler. I am reminded that even though the church has not always put its best face forward in the name of God (see the Crusades) it also has done much good through mission trips, partnering with countries in need, preaching the Gospel through service and love, and welcoming others with open arms. I am reminded that even though we put God on a cross because of our sins, God took that and turned it on its head and used it for the greatest good possible, the forgiveness of our sins. Yes, great evil persists today as these two movies testify. But great good exists as well and it will always overcome this evil through Jesus' death and resurrection.

If Seminary Were a Marathon...

2008-04-09T14:29:00.004-04:00

I'd totally be hitting THE WALL right about now.

I remember having that nervous excitement at the beginning of seminary coupled with the question of what the heck have I gotten myself into? It was very much like that at the starting gates of my first (and hopefully not my last) marathon 2.5 years ago. I was excited and scared out of my mind. I had done most of the "training." I had a solid college education, experience volunteering in the church and working at Bible camp, leading groups and worship at college, etc. And yet, I wondered how this prep could really prepare for the long journey that seminary was going to be. Looking back on it, I really didn't know what I was getting myself into in both cases. But I was there and I was in it for the long haul, 26.2 miles in one case and 4 years of grad school in the other.

The first half of my first year I remember feeling like I was at mile marker 1 and wondering how the heck I was going to make it another 25.2 miles. There were hard core marathon runners all around me, people were sprinting ahead of me, and people seemed to have this confident swagger about their run. I on the other hand was tentative, unsure, and scared that I had gotten in way over my head. The excitement wore off and instead I was left with a feeling of dread. Was I really supposed to be doing this? I'm not sure my body was built for this? How in the world can I fit in with all these other people who definitely look like they were made for this? But, at the same time, as all these doubts were running through my head I was well aware that it was just mile 1 and I had plenty more time down the road to figure that out.

I remember hitting my stride around mile 7. The adrenaline had wore off but I had a good pace going and I was feeling really good! The second half of my first year and second year of seminary were like this. I finally was feeling confident enough to speak up in class, I was starting to "get" the assignments. Pieces were falling into place for internship and I was excited about how this might all turn out.

I actually really enjoyed the mid-part of the marathon. When you hit mile 13.1 you have a good idea of how you might finish and as I looked at the clock I was ecstatic. I might actually finish the with a faster time than I had thought. Internship was like this for me. You get a small taste of what the finish might look like and for me, that finish was amazing! Time flew during that year or the next 7 miles. It was a wonderful year and it made me that much more excited to finish up and finally reach my goal.

However, before the finish came mile 20, The Wall, the last year of seminary, where all the endorphins have worn off, where everything has lost its luster, and all you have is yourself to push you that last 6.2 miles to the finish. And to make it worse, right after you hit the wall you have a huge hill to climb. That's how the Twin Cities Marathon was set up. You hit mile marker 20 and then have to go from the lowest elevation of the course to the highest in a very short amount of distance. For me, I hit that hill right when I got back and bit off more than I could chew with CPE and classes. However, the funny thing is I've always negotiated these massive, steep uphill runs easily when it comes to both running and life. I guess I just see the challenge and gladly meet it head on because well, it's easy to see the endpoint in that case and you know it's just a short uphill jaunt and it will soon be finished.

However, where I am now is different than that. It's one of those long, unrelenting, gradual hills that came at mile marker 24 and I'm just so ready to be done. My body and mind are yelling at me to just be done with it already. They can't take any more abuse. They can't exegete passages on words like Paraclete and dissect systematic theology anymore. I feel like I'm being asked to sprint this last 6 some miles of the marathon and I'm just not feeling it.

And yet, the tension is that I'm also so close to that finish. It's that I've got people surrounding me who have been through that same grueling 24 miles and are also close to the finish too. It's that I've had people on the sidelines the entire way. It's that I've spent way too much time and effort even before the race started to quit. It's that my will won't let me give in to my apathy. It's that it's only a measly 2.2 more miles.

Even though I may have walked a lot of my last 6.2 miles in the marathon and am doing a whole heck of a lot of walking this last year of seminary, I'm still going to finish. There's no way I can't at this point. There's no way I won't let myself. And I think when I'm done with my classes on May 14 and have all my course work turned in on May 16, I'll finally be able to see that finish line. And I still remember bursting into joyous tears when I came over the hill on Summit and saw the Capital and the finish. It's going to be a wonderful feeling.

And I know that for us as seniors, we will be finishing up the first of many marathons. But the great thing about finishing a marathon is that you know you can do it and if need be, you can do it again. Mile 24 be damned, I'll see you in 6 weeks mile 26.2!!!!!

Small Spaces

2008-04-02T20:19:00.002-04:00

I was asked this week if I was claustrophobic. It's an interesting question to be asked but in the context it made sense. I was getting ready for an MRI on my ankle (yes, I finally went in and am having it checked out after over a year of annoying but minor pain and tightness that just won't go away) and was asked this question. I said "no" without stopping to think. Granted, the MRI didn't even fully cover me since it was only on my ankle and I think I might have fallen asleep in the middle of it today. Goes to prove that I can really sleep through most anything (other than the annoying car alarms that go off frequently near our apartment, ugh!). However, it did remind me of a little story that I never got around to writing about.

This past summer I went on tour with my internship congregation's high school choir. We were hitting up the Northeast part of the country including Philly, NYC, and DC. I somehow also got put in charge of making the video of the tour which included taking footage throughout the entire to capture the good, bad, and ugly moments on the bus, touring, and in the various hotels. I took my job really seriously (because when have I been known to do anything halfway, well, not counting this semester of seminary) and stayed up later in the night in the hotel lobbies in order to rip the footage from the video camera onto my computer. It was tedious and it meant later nights but it was nice to have everything on the computer so I could reuse the tapes.

One night we were staying in a really nice place in DC. It was about 1 a.m. and I had finally finished ripping the stuff onto my computer! Thank goodness! It had been a long day of touring and travel and I had been behind so I had extra stuff above and beyond our marathon day of touring to put on my computer. I was tired and ready for bed. I patiently waiting for the elevator and then punched the "4" button and leaned up against the side of the elevator willing myself to stay away for this short ride. The doors shut and all of sudden the elevator lurched and the "4" was no longer lit nor was the elevator moving. I punched the "4" again. Nothing. I tried "1." Nothing.

Hmmm, another thing they don't teach us at seminary: what to do when you get trapped in an elevator on a youth retreat.

I sighed more annoyed than anything and pushed the call button. "Umm, yes, I stuck in the rightmost elevator. Can you please help?" The assured me they'd had me out of there at no time. Until then I was comforted knowing that there was only one floor underneath me so if the elevator were to fall it wouldn't be too bad.

I took a seat and was reminded of the movie "You've Got Mail" and wished for some good company. Shame it was 1 a.m. otherwise I could call someone and make a good story out of this. There's a fun phone call:
Hi!
Hi Tasha! How are you doing?
Good! Really good other than the fact I'm stuck in an elevator.
(Maybe I should just try that sometime just for fun)

Anyway, within 10 minutes they had gotten me out (the elevator just had to be reset, who knew that elevators needed to be reset) and I elected to take the stairs to my floor.

Moral of the story: Thank goodness I'm not claustrophobic otherwise that would have been miserable.

Some Random Humor

2008-03-31T12:40:00.003-04:00

These are some random quotes that I ran across awhile back and found them funny so I thought I'd put them here in lieu of a more serious blog post. I promise I'll actually write something more substantial sometime soon! :)

''Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.''
DWIGHT (RAINN WILSON), ON THE OFFICE

''A sport without black people ain't a sport. That's just a game!... That's like me saying, 'Ooh, I got the highest SAT score in the whole world, but no Asians took the test.' What kind of crap is that? 'I just won the marathon. No Kenyans could run, though!'''
CHRIS ROCK EXPRESSES SKEPTICISM ABOUT BABE RUTH'S ACHIEVEMENTS IN PRE-INTEGRATED BASEBALL, ON THE LATE SHOW

(I think I find the last one particularly funny because I always joke with my friends that I fit most of the Asian stereotypes out there)

Meeting Needs

2008-03-19T00:27:00.000-04:00

I’ve spent most of my seminary career telling anyone and everyone that once I graduate I want to specialize in high school youth ministry. It’s something I’ve loved doing since I was in high school. I have a decent track record in the field between being a mentor when I was in high school, multiple summers as a camp counselor, volunteer work in various churches, and then actually doing it in Charlotte on internship. However, since near the midpoint in my second year in seminary I’ve been toying with another kind of ministry: young adult ministry.

Now, I didn’t know much about young adult ministry going into seminary. Sure, I had been involved with campus ministries in college and I know that I am a young adult (young adults are generally categorized as those of us who are twenty-something) but didn’t know anything about young adult ministry. The main reason for this was because there aren’t really a lot of Lutheran churches out there doing young adult ministry. And yet, there’s no denying that there are not very many young adults involved with church. Those two realizations combined point to a great need for young adult ministries in the church.

On internship my project for the year was to start a young adult ministry. I did my best considering there were really no resources out there and I only had a year to pull this off. And you know, I loved the experience. I loved it as much as I loved working with the high schoolers. And I had just started. I didn’t even get to do as much I would have liked to with the ministry (small groups, an alternative worship service aimed at young adults).

As I start looking at my first call and thinking about articulating my passions to the synod I wonder what type of ministry that I am truly called to. Is it going high school youth ministry? Is it young adult ministry? Is it both? The more and more I learn about young adult ministry through helping start an alternative worship service in Stillwater and contemplate the lack of action in many churches and note the reality that there isn’t that much out there as far as resources go for young adult ministry, there is no denying that there is a great need for young adult ministry. The need is so palpable I can’t get away from it. And it keeps on coming back to me this year. It seems like as I work on the practical projects for my classes I’m drawn more and more to young adult ministry simply because there is a need.

This is the big question for me now: Is the call to the need or is recognizing the need a call in itself? Confusing? Alright, so, I’m the type of person who sees a need and likes to meet it. It’s just my nature. While I worked at the hospital as a chaplain I saw a great need for caring, compassionate and competent nursing staff and I couldn’t help but wonder how I would do in the medical field. But, that isn’t my call. However, at the same time, I can’t help but wonder if sometimes our ability to recognize a great need is a call in itself. Isn’t recognizing that a friend is in need of someone to listen to them a call to actually go and listen? I wonder if the fact that I see that there is such a great need for this type of ministry is God gently nudging me in that direction. I’m not quite sure yet. But I think this is all something we have to discern in our lives. You may love working with the church and see the need for good pastors but not be called to be a pastor. You may see the need for wonderful teachers in urban settings but not be called to be a teacher. Or maybe you are? I guess when it all comes down to it, all we can do in these situations is continue to discern the call and pray… A LOT.

Trying to Keep it Real, Radical, Relevant, and Reverent

2008-03-11T21:08:00.004-04:00

That was my task for preaching at the Luther Seminary Chapel this past Friday.

Keep it Real - Preach the Gospel, proclaim the forgiveness of sins, and do this through a style that stays true to who I am as a pastor-to-be and to my own passions when it comes to preaching and worship. In other words, incorporating all the things I love into a 20 minute worship service that I could be proud of. This meant choosing the proper text (John 11, the raising of Lazarus), the music that I felt would be a good fit, and calling in some favors from friends inside and outside the seminary.

Keep it Radical - This is in terms of the Luther Seminary Chapel. Now, worship here tends to be very traditional. Let me say straight up that I am not knocking traditional worship. I think traditional worship done well can be wonderful! It can be uplifting and can convey the Gospel in a very compelling way. But, I think there is also a place in the church for "contemporary" worship as well (and of course, well done contemporary worship, there is definitely some bad contemporary out there). And truth be told, I often prefer "contemporary" praise and worship services. It's just who I am and it's my style and I think worship done in the contemporary/alternative style can go a long way for outreach. Anyway, I digress. There hadn't been much contemporary worship done in chapel this year so I decided that in order to stay true to myself and my passions as a worship leader I would do something "radical" and use contemporary music and a band for worship.

Keep it Relevant - In this sense, I mean keep it relevant to the community. I wrote my sermon with the Luther Seminary community in mind. Now, you will generally never have to preach before a more difficult crowd. I knew I would have some wonderful theologians and preachers not necessarily critiquing me because they want to cut me down but that's just what naturally happens. This is not a message I will necessarily ever give anywhere else but it felt like the right message for this place.

Keep it Reverent - And, of course, this is not about me. This whole thing has never been about me. Instead, it is all about God, what God is doing in our lives, and what God has to say to us through the music, the worship, the preaching and the prayers. It's all about what God has done for us through is Son Jesus Christ. So, that is the center of it all.

All in all, preaching in Chapel was a wonderful and affirming experience. It gave me a chance to proclaim the Gospel to some of the closest friends. It also showed me that yeah, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. There was something that was so energizing. It felt right on every level. Granted, it does feel good to be over this hurdle and have one less thing to plan. But when it came down to it, stuff like this is what I really do want to be putting my energy into. And that means that I'm on the right track which is a nice feeling.

Check out the video for the service if you want. Thanks again for everyone's support through this process! I couldn't have done it without you!

Area Code

2008-03-08T15:22:00.002-04:00

Thursday was the big day. It was the day when all the Bishops of all the Synods (areas within a larger region) were meeting to decide where all of us assigned to Region 3 would be serving our first years of ministry. Being assigned to Region 3 I knew there were lots of options. It includes MN, ND, and SD. The synods are Western ND, Eastern ND, SD (as a whole), NW MN, NE MN, SW MN, SE MN, the Minneapolis area, and the St. Paul area. I had put down Eastern ND, Minneapolis, and St. Paul on my forms but had no idea how it was all going to play out. Minneapolis and St. Paul are notoriously hard synods to get into because they are so big and so popular. There are people from all over jockeying to get into these synods because there are a lot of great churches in the area and it is kind of the Mecca of the ELCA. Plus, there are all sorts of people with families, houses, spouses with jobs, etc. in the area that really have legitimate reasons to stick around. However, since I am interested in large church ministry (churches that worship 500+ per week) and specializing in youth and young adult ministry and there happens to be an abnormally large amount of these types of congregations in these areas, I put both Minneapolis and St. Paul down because I figured I didn't have anything to lose.

Thursday was the day that Bishops gathered to figure out where all ~45 of us would be heading within Region 3. To say that us Region 3 seniors were a bit anxious that day would be a major understatement. We spent a good part of the day checking and rechecking our cell phones to make sure they didn't go off and nervously asking each other if the other had heard any news yet.

I was happy to retreat to my apartment near 6:30 to have some privacy as I waited for the call. My roommate and her cat were my company and I decided watching a rerun of last week's episode of LOST (which also happened to be brilliant) would be a good way to alleviate my anxiety.

As I looked at my cell phone and attempted to will it to ring, I knew that area code would most likely tell me everything I needed to know. 701 is for ND and would mean Eastern ND for me. The dark horses, Minneapolis or St. Paul would show one of the many Twin Cities Metro area codes such as 612, 651, 952, or 763.

And all of a sudden it happened. My phone started ringing and I looked down to see a 612 area code. I gave a loud whoop and yelled at my roommate, "IT'S FOR MN! IT'S FOR MN!" And taking a deep breath I answered the phone and was told "Welcome to the Minneapolis Area Synod!"

I got off the phone and could not believe what had just happened. I remembered being told over 4 years ago when I started this process that sticking around the Twin Cities was not an option. I remembered that I had spent a large part of my seminary career proclaiming that I wanted to get far away from the Midwest. I remembered shocking myself when I put down Region 3 as my first choice on my paperwork. And now, here I am. Apparently God isn't done with me and the Twin Cities yet. And I trust that this is where I'm called to be. It's going to be hard, there's no getting around it. I'm competing with some very competent and exceptional friends that also got assigned here. I won't just be going up against first call people for a call to a parish, I'll also be going up against people with experience in the field. It could be awhile before I find that call that seems to fit just right. But apparently God decided that it wasn't time for me to move out of this area just yet. And I'm excited to see what God has planned for me these next coming months as I start looking at churches, interviewing, and preparing to finish up 20 years of school. All I have to say is bring it on!

Preaching in Chapel + Synodical Assignments =

2008-03-06T11:26:00.002-04:00

A good thing actually! I was surprised by this revelation the other day. All things considered, it's a very stressful week for my and my fellow seniors. Most of us are expecting to get the call from our future bishop sometime tonight/tomorrow and people are really anxious to say the least. Add to that the fact that I'm preaching in Chapel tomorrow (see previous post) puts a lot of stress on me. But the great thing is I've spent most of my week stressing out about Chapel and preaching as opposed to about assignment. And this is a good thing because if I stress out about Chapel I can actually do something about it. I can run through my sermon another time. I can tweak the powerpoint yet again. I can spend some time praying. I can go through the reading again. I can actually do something about the stress and turn it into something productive as opposed to worrying about assignment where I can do nothing except stare at the phone trying to will it to ring. So, we'll see what the next 24+ hours bring. Either way, Friday is going to be a huge day!

Big Shoes to Fill

2008-03-04T21:19:00.003-04:00

I have to admit, right now I'm equal parts super excited and scared out of my mind. This coming Friday I preach for Chapel at Luther. As a senior, we get the chance to preach in front of our friends, peers, professors, and anyone else who chooses to show up or tune in online. This year the system worked a bit differently and instead of a nominating and vote process, we simply volunteered ourselves. I figured, why not?! It was something I had been looking forward to doing for a long time and figured it was a great chance to do something different too since I get to design the entire service. So, considering my own passions when it came to worship I knew I was going to do something pretty contemporary as far as worship went while trying to keep true to the Lutheran liturgy.

However, I totally took forward granted a) how much planning this was going to involve and b) that this will probably be the toughest audience I preach for and thus the scariest. Last week I found out that signing myself to preach was a mild form of self-torture. As I tried to plan the service, get the proper pieces in place, pick a scripture, etc. I kept on running into random road blocks and hassles. Plus, I found out that one of our Old Testament professors who teaches Wisdom Literature (Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Job, Song of Solomon, etc.) was preaching the day before me and basing the entire service around the same Psalm I was scheduled to preach on the next day! Eek! That is not an act I wanted to follow at all, especially since she had divided up the Psalm in the same way I was going to and was giving a reflection on each part.

Therefore, after some conversation with friends on the topic I decide to scrap all the work I had done on the Psalm (it was Psalm 130 btw which is absolutely beautiful) and went instead with the Gospel text for this coming week, John 11:1-45 which is the raising of Lazarus. And I spent the entire weekend working on my sermon because I knew that if I didn't finish it before the weekend was up, I would spend the entire week worrying and trying to finish it up.

But I will admit, it's a bit crazy to see my name on the Chapel homepage as an upcoming preacher. Like I said before, it's terrifying. All my friends are super supportive but at the same time, there are tons of high expectations and the pressure is totally on high! And it's quite intimidating to think of all the great preachers that have stood up in that very same pulpit and delivered some amazing messages that have truly moved me these past four years. As I face my fears and prepare to stand up there and deliver my message all I can do is trust that God has been with me during this entire process and will be with me when I finally stand up in the pulpit and trust that God's Spirit will be moving in a big way, in spite of my doubts and fears. Because when it comes down to it, it's not about me. It's all about God and what God is doing in my life and what God is doing in the life of this community at Luther and beyond. God is mighty to save and mighty enough to carry me through this whole nerve-wracking-intimidating-exhilarating thing that is senior preaching.

Almost to the Point of Being Funny

2008-03-03T22:48:00.003-04:00

So, let's run down what's happened to my car in the past 2.5 months.

-Broken into on Christmas Day
-Failed to start 5 times in the past month
-Towed from my apartment parking lot
-Had more work done on it than I want to admit on a blog

The icing on the cake? I finally broke down and got a garage and it solved the starting problem. However, this past weekend someone broke into the garage and broke into my car, again! The other two cars sitting in the garage stall next to mine also got broken into. Not much was taken, again. Just some change (this time they actually found my stash and made off with somewhere around $15 I'm guessing) and CD's that I all have backed up on my computer and ipod. On the "sunny side" I knew exactly what to do this time, made all the appropriate calls, and got it all taken care of within 2 days as opposed to it taking over two weeks last time. Plus, my glass is covered under my insurance so I know I at least don't have pay anything.

So, people have been well aware of my car woes over the past few months so when I got back to school today and got questioned about how I was doing I realized that all this car stuff had gotten so ridiculous that it was to the point of almost being funny. Nay, actually to the point of being kind of funny. I mean, seriously? Who would have thought all of this could happen? So, needless to say, life goes on and I have a car and it works which is about all I can ask for at this time. It's better than trying to make it through seminary without one. Plus, one thing I've learned is that I have some great friends who will always be willing to help me out in a pinch. So, thanks to all those who have driven me, listened to me gripe, and offered a sympathetic ear.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

2008-02-28T21:45:00.004-04:00

After a week of big news, waiting, frustration, stress, and turning another year older I did something completely different last night. I took a night off from homework, reading, writing, worrying, and stressing and I went to the Foo Fighters' show at the Target Center. It had been way too long since I had seen a live show and add to it the fact the Foo are one of my favorite bands and thus, made for the perfect escape. Plus, I had floor tickets!!!!!

So, I get there a couple of hours early and am pleasantly surprised to see that I am one of the first people there, therefore, I got amazing position on the floor. There were two separate stages: a main stage and then a smaller stage where they were going to do an acoustic set. There was a catwalk attaching the two stages also. So, I run once I get let in and get a spot right up against the rail in the middle of the catwalk. So it's only a metal fence thing and a very nice security guard between me and the show. It was awesome!

Needless to say, I took a ton of pictures, sang at the top of my lungs to some of my favorite songs including Best of You, One By One, The Pretender, Monkeywrench, Stacked Actors, and more, and got to completely forget about all the current stresses of my life. Oh, and the pictures I'm posting, I didn't even have to zoom for them!

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's time like these you learn to love again
It's time like these time and time again

Also, I now totally have a crush on their new lead guitarist, Chris. :)

Dave Grohl making use of the catwalk.

The acoustic set on a separate stage. Also, the rock violinist, Jessie, is a native Minnesotan!

Closing it out with a kickin' encore of Long Road to Ruin.

Drafted! Part I

2008-02-20T23:09:00.002-04:00

I feel like I should have warned you that I'm was going to/am going to be blogging a lot this week.

So, we got handed our envelops today that very much held a piece to the puzzle of our future. In this envelop was the region that we would be heading to for the first three years of our ministry. It was an exciting and scary time. Nobody really knew what to expect. Sure, we had all put in our preferences but whether or not those are honored is another thing. The seniors had spend most of the day fretting the results.

I spent most of the day working in the Student Services office and as the day went on, I couldn't help but get a bit giddy. It was a combination of true excitement and nerves. I think the "underclassmen" I talked to during the day thought I was nuts or just plain weird.

So, the time arrived and the seniors headed up to get our envelops. I got mine, took a deep breath, and opened the letter. It said exactly what I thought it would: REGION 3!!! I had no idea what I would feel when I opened it and saw the region. But I was surprised by the different feelings that came. There was excitement, relief, and a lot of hope. One of the great things about Region 3 is that a lot of Luther people end up there. So some of my close friends will likely be within close driving distance from me. Plus, I have family and friends and lots of connections in the area. And you know, the church is doing some exciting things in this area. So, as much as today could have been a disappointment, it was actually a day full of joy. I will find out exactly what synod/area I've been drafted to in about two weeks. Until then, I have plenty to keep me busy.

For the Record

2008-02-20T00:44:00.002-04:00

My Official Guess for the Draft Tomorrow: Region 3 (the midwest)

The Dark Horse: Region 7 (the upper east coast) (I'm this number out there for no apparent reason. I basically picked an arbitrary number since I didn't even put it on my paperwork but I did tell our rep that I'm open to go anywhere as long as there's a good church)

The Long Shot: Region 2 (the southwest)

Making Lemonade

2008-02-18T21:17:00.002-04:00

This has been a bad couple of months for my car. To say that I've had car issues would be a major understatement. In the past two months my car has been broken into, towed, and has not started a record number 5 times! Ugh! Never has the MN cold gotten to me and my car like this before. So I finally broke down after non-car start #4 and brought it into the shop to get my 90,000 and 105,000 tune-up done. Kill multiple birds with one stone basically. So I started out today, the first really cold day after I got all the work done on my car, fairly confident that my car would start up. And of course, it didn't....

You've got to be kidding me! I didn't have any class today but I was supposed to be a part of a student panel for prospective students. So, I give a desperate call to a bunch of my friends from seminary and am blessed enough to have a couple offer to bail me out and drive me to campus and back.

Then, I make good use of my AAA membership and give a call for help starting up or a tow depending on how things go. My starter can tend to be tricky and thus, some people are often able to get it started after some tricks that I'm still trying to master. It turns out that the person who comes to help bail me out had done so about two weeks ago right before I brought my car into the shop. We both remember each other and in the midst of trying to get my car started, we strike up a conversation about life. All of a sudden I find myself being treated as a friend and confidant as I get a serious prayer request. I of course oblige and say that I will definitely keep her in my prayers and find myself exchanging numbers and email addresses. By this time my car has started and is running.

Part of me really hates cliches such as "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade." But in this case, life handed me lemons and somehow, God was able to turn it into a situation where I got a chance to really connect with someone and support someone who has bailed me out twice now. Now, do I attribute my car not starting to God? No, that's simply the nasty, cold MN weather. However, I think God was able to use me and this crappy situation in a completely unexpected way.

And I can't help but take this to heart at times such as these. The fate of my next three years in ministry will be decided as the bishops et al. get together to assign all the outgoing MDiv seniors tomorrow. I honestly have no idea where I'm going to get placed and that scares me. I hope and pray that I get placed somewhere that makes sense for my abilities, talents, passions, and gifts and that also happens to be a place where I want to live. However, I know that this might not all come together. It might seem like I'm ending up out in the cold with a car that doesn't start. But, at the same time, I've been reminded today that God can take bad situations and use it for good. I've been reminded that the kindness and generosity of friends can go a long way. I've been reminded that ministry can happen in even the oddest and most frustrating of situations.

So, my solution for my car. I've got a garage leased for the time being which will keep my car warmer and thus make it more likely that it will start. We'll see if this actually works tomorrow morning. If not, well, I guess I'll just have to make the best of the situation because that's all we can do sometimes.

The Great Draft

2008-02-15T00:42:00.002-04:00

Draft season is upon us. And no, I'm not talking about the NFL or NBA draft. I'm talking about the Great Draft of all the graduating MDiv seminarians in the ELCA. It's the time that we're all assigned to go to different parts of the country for at least the first three years of our ministry. This year the draft takes place on February 19-20 and my friends and I at Luther will find out at approximately 5:20 on Wednesday, February 20 what our future holds. It's a crazy time and there's a mix of excitement and worry in the air.

The craziest part about this whole deal is how the whole draft system works. It seriously resembles a regular sports draft. First, let's get your updated on some of the ELCA terminology. I'll be talking about Regions and Synods a lot. A Region is the bigger piece of the pie. There are nine Regions in the ELCA. For instance, Region 2 is the Northwest which includes Washington, Oregon, Alaska, etc. A Synod is smaller piece of the pie and covers a particular area. For instance, in Region 2 there is the Oregon Synod, Alaska Synod, Northwest Washington Synod, etc. These synods all have multiple churches within their area that they "oversee" and coordinate with. All the graduating students will be looking to fill vacant positions at various churches around the country. There are also Bishops. The Bishops are like the CEO of the synods but they're also the "pastor of the pastors" in their synod working to move people, keep order, and resolve conflict.

All the graduating 200 some candidates have profiles already filled out. These profiles tell bishops their basic info and includes where we are interested in going in the country, and what type of ministry we're interested in doing (solo call, working with a large staff, specialized ministry like youth ministry). The bishops have access to these forms and read over them to get an idea if the candidate would be a good fit and whether or not their needs would be met in the synod and region. Most of us put down preferences about where we would like to go and those are generally respected. People are also allowed to restrict which means they are guaranteed a placement in a certain region due to children, spouse with job, house, medical condition, etc. However, the restrictions must be approved. That's a whole other story though.

The said profiles are laid out and it essentially goes down just like any other draft. Nine Bishops are there representing their nine regions and drafting for their particular region. Each seminary also has a representative who speaks for the students (in our case, our Dean of Students). The Bishops have already established an order and the first Bishop to go takes five candidates his region is interested in (five is just an arbitrary number, we're not sure how many but it seems close enough). However, each candidate doesn't just automatically get assigned to that region. Each candidate is held up before the entire crowd and are asked whether they are contested or not. In other words, if more than one region is interested in a candidate, that candidate's profile is marked and the bishops will address this later.

So, this basically happens until all the candidates are assigned to a Region in the country. And now the fun part. They wheel and deal for the contested candidates. They trade other candidates and shuffle people around until everyone is satisfied.

And that's how it is decided where I will spend the next three years of my life! Whew! It sounds scary, especially since unlike the pro-athletes I'm not signing up for a six figure contract. But, I have to trust that God is able to work through this messy paperwork and this crazy process. Somehow, just somehow, the Holy Spirit shows up there and works through all of the paper, the needs, the wants, and the hopes of everyone involved. And you know, it might be foolish for me to put my hope and trust in the system and frankly, I've never really had a choice in this matter either. But, this process gets me one step closer to being in a church and being ordained. And I do trust that God is working for the good in my life right now, even though it may seem scary and not quite right at the time. So, next week, you'll probably get a very freaked out blog entry stressing out about this whole process because I'm placed in Western North Dakota or something. But, at least I'll know someplace in the country thought I'd make a good minister there and hey, I'll take that. ;)

Checked Out

2008-02-11T23:28:00.000-04:00

It's only the third day of classes and already I feel like I'm behind. And I'm only taking three classes right now as opposed to the usual five. Weird. I think I'm going to attribute this phenomenon to the fact that these are a big couple of weeks in the life of an M. Div. senior at Luther Seminary. We've started our final semester of seminary (Woo-Hoo!) and the Great Draft is in a measly nine days. Whew! I'm tired already. Add to that a lot of heady subject material covered in my classes, especially my final theology course on the Holy Spirit and the Trinity (it seriously takes me a good hour to read 15 pages of one of our books, that's right on par with how long it would take me to read 15 pages in my plant physiology textbooks). The finish line is in sight and I think many of us seniors are finding it hard to concentrate on the here and now when the end is in sight. And it doesn't just seem like it's the end of school, it's the beginning of the rest of our lives as pastors, God-willing we don't suffer burnout.

Therefore, I'm finding it a little bit harder than usual concentrating in class. I'm finding it a bit harder to buckle down and read my textbooks. I'm finding it more frustrating when an assignment isn't as practical or applicable to ministry as I'd like it be.

But at the same time I'm finding things to look forward to in my final semester. The seniors are finally preaching in Chapel which has proved to be a breath of fresh air. I'm so proud of my friends and know that one after another will bring it in the pulpit. Many of us are realizing that this is indeed our final semester in this sometimes equally amazing and frustrating community that has given us so many chances to grow and learn and doing all we can to take advantage of this gift. And of course, there is the promise of the life after seminary, when we finally get to truly walk the walk and be in congregations all over the country and all over the world. Even as a face my apathy toward my coursework I can't help but get excited about all the possibilities. It's always a delicate balance. I'm not quite ready to be completely checked out of this community and this learning process. There is too much at stake to not keep learning and discerning, to take this community for granted, and to not work to strengthen these friendships and ties that have meant the world to me and carried me through so much already.

So here's to what I hope, pray, and know will be an memorable and amazing final semester!

Yay Giants!!!

2008-02-03T23:16:00.000-04:00

It's only fair that I post a blog entry in honor of the Giants Super Bowl win since I posted about the Colts last year and wrote about this game in a previous entry! What a great game! The Pats have now officially been shut up. Eli has shown that he is a quarterback for the ages and has MVP to add to his resume. They were the underdogs. They took down the "giants" by playing their hearts out. How do you not love that as a sports fan??? At the end of the game as the seconds ticked down, I felt like yelling "do you believe in miracles" 1980 USA Olympic hockey team style. I'm kind of a dork and I know that nothing will quite beat that upset but this is pretty close. So, like I said before in my earlier blog post, GO GIANTS!!!!!!!!

Spirit and Call

2008-01-27T15:47:00.000-04:00

I've had this thing about having emotional vacations lately. I'm not quite sure what that's all about but anyway, I digress.

I'm in Charlotte right now, taking vacation from school and work and am loving it! I've been here for a few days and fly home tomorrow. I worked it so I'd be here both Wednesday and Sunday nights so I could see the youth and have a weekend to catch all my friends. Also, there was the serendipitous timing that this also happened to be the last Sunday for one of the associate pastors at the church. Pastor Jon had been my "supervisor" for part of my internship because he was pastor of family and youth ministry which meant, as the interim high school youth director/intern pastor I also reported to him. It was a great experience. He was caring, laid back, extremely personable, had great advice, and I was able to learn about from him. He had been at the congregation for over five years now and is moving on to a senior pastor call for a church in Dallas. I have no doubt that he will make an amazing senior pastor. So, I got to be present for his last day and his last sermon. And it was fantastic and feel so honored by the fact that I did get to work with him and it's sad to see him go. At the same time, I'm also excited for him to go on to shape the mission and vision for this new church.

I can't help but think about the story of Elisha and Elijah, two prophets in the OT. Elijah was one of the most famous prophets and his successor was Elisha. And Elijah was a big deal! He stood up to a very evil and corrupt king and queen and even to most of Israel who had given up their faith in God/YAHWEH for that of idols and other lower-case "g" gods. Elijah calls Elisha to ministry to be his successor and Elisha is no fool, he knows he has big shoes to fill. When Elijah prepares to go to heaven and Elisha is aware of this, he asks Elijah for twice the share of Elijah's spirit because he knows that he's going to have a tough job ahead of him.

I couldn't help thinking about this story when I thought of Jon. Whoever fills this role as a pastor at this church is going to have some big shoes to fill. And not only that, those of us who are preparing to go into the church, we're following the footsteps of some pretty amazing people who have great spirit, passion, enthusiasm, vision, compassion, faith, courage, and love. I can't help feeling a little bit intimidated as I think about my first call and following all the pastors that have come before me, who have acted as my mentors, who have influenced and encouraged me in my call. And I find myself praying for even half of Jon's spirit as I look to tackle a new call as well.

In the case of Elijah and Elisha, God does answer Elisha's prayer and he goes on to be another powerful and influential prophet. I hope and pray that God answers my prayers and the prayers of my friends as we look to our first calls and as we look to add to the road that has been placed before us by those who have come before us. And I also go forth encouraged because I know that there are other incredible, dedicated, and faithful people out there like Jon doing the work God has called them to do.

2008-01-21T15:58:00.000-04:00

Here I was, expecting to have to write a long blog entry justifying my reasons for cheering for the Packers for the first time in my life and instead find myself pleasantly surprised to be able to cheer for a team that I actually like. Whew!

So, for those of you who aren't football fans or sports fans in general, I apologize in advance for this blog post.

The big game was yesterday in sub-zero temperatures. The team that I really wanted to see win, the Colts, were already out of the playoff scenario and ever since the season has picked up, all I've really wanted to see was the Pats lose. Yes, you heard me right, I was willing to cheer for any team just to see the Pats lose, even the Green Bay Packers. Now, this is a huge deal for me because being from MN, I'm a Vikings fan (unfortunately) which means by default, I hate the Packers. It's always been a huge rivalry, especially since the MN and WI are next to each other and you can always find MN fans in WI and WI fans in MN. So, as the shirts say, my favorite teams are the Vikings and whoever is playing against the Packers.

However, the potential Super Bowl between the Pats and the Packers present a conundrum for me. You see, I hate dynasties. It's just not my thing. That's probably why I couldn't get behind either Duke or UNC mens' basketball while I was in NC (also, because I didn't really feel like pissing everyone off by choosing sides but then again, I did cheer for NC State for fun to antagonize my friends). That's why I hate the NY Yankees. That's why I hated the LA Lakers. And that's why I'm not for the Pats. It's always more fun to see the upset, to be be surprised, to cheer for the underdog. And also, I just don't respect the Pats after that whole cheating scandal at the beginning of the season. I'm ready for something new. I'm ready to stop hearing about Tom Brady and start hearing about this younger Manning who has turned into a clutch player or see Favre go out on top because as much as I hate the Packers, I've gotten give respect to the man for playing one heckuva season.

So, last night I cheered for the Giants, not really knowing what to expect, half thinking that I was still going to end up cheering for the Pack for the first time in my life in two weeks. And then came the 47 yard field goal to win the game. It was nuts! And I can't help but get behind the Giants and Eli. I like his brother so why shouldn't I like Eli. And he's played like a real pro the past couple of games and showed that he can indeed be clutch. And wouldn't it be great to shut up all those Patriots fans who are already gloating about their perfect season? You better believe I will be in my red, white, and blue in two weeks cheering all out for the long shot, the underdog, the unexpected contenders with all I've got because well, I've got nothing to lose. Go Giants!

Things I'd Rather Be Doing...

2008-01-16T21:56:00.000-04:00

...than writing this stupid ethics paper on advance directives:

-Reading all the crazy theories about the new season of LOST or better yet, re-watching season 3 of LOST on DVD.

-Blogging (wait a minute...)

-Reading my friends blogs

-Working on my Genesis to Revelation Bible Study

-Planning my trip to Orlando for a young adults conference in April which I found out that I will for sure be going to because my grant proposal passed today

-Planning my trip to Charlotte next week

-Obsessing over the upcoming Great Draft where are of us future pastors are assigned to an area of the county (What are the odds that I'm going to end up in Eastern North Dakota? 2-1?)

-Shopping at REI for a new winter hat because it's going to get effing cold this weekend

-Figure out what movies I want to watch this weekend when I'm hiding in my apartment from the cold

-Ironing my button down shirts so I can actually wear them in public while watching 3:10 to Yuma which I have bought but haven't had a chance to watch yet

-Crocheting a blanket with the beautiful new yarn I bought this past weekend

-Talking my friend into procrastinating with me so I can play Rock Band

-Catching up on the episodes of Project Runway I've missed

-Reading The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen

-Playing my guitar so loud that I scare my roommate's cat

Writer's Block

2008-01-15T00:24:00.000-04:00

Truth be told, it might not be writer's block, it may just be that I don't really have that much that could be interesting to report. Here are some highlights from the past couple of weeks and some things I'm looking forward to:

-Finished up my Ethics: Medicine and Health Care class minus the final paper. It was a good class other than I was scared to death to be called on half the time. It reminded me of my senior year honors physics class where we had the "popsicle sticks of death" where the teacher would ask a question and draw a popsicle stick with one of our names on it and we would have to figure out the problem on the spot. At least with that you knew either you were right or wrong. With ethics it's always a bit more difficult. I also happen to be a borderline T/F in the Myers Briggs personality test which means that I make decisions using a pretty even combination of my head and heart. In other words, I can compartmentalize stuff when it comes down to making ethical decisions but I usually use both equally and come to my conclusion that way. For our ethics class I didn't have that luxury. Everything had to be carefully plotted out and explainable using logic. So, training myself to think in a completely new way was all sorts of fun. We'll see how this final paper on advance directives goes...

-Depending on how the playoff games go this coming weekend, I might have a long blog on football forthcoming. In other words, I might have to explain why I might be cheering for the Green Bay Packers for the first time in my life... Ugh...

-New season of LOST!!! The theories are already out there and I cannot wait!

-I'm taking an overview of the Bible class for fun (it is my senior year and I've already taken all my classes save one) and tomorrow I'm taking part in a drama on Esther. It's going to be an absolute riot. There's nothing like making a fool of yourself in front of your classmates.

Year in Review

2008-01-02T00:03:00.000-04:00

What a year! I could pretty much leave it at that and it would seem right. This past year I have been in over 15 states (NC, MN, NY, NJ, PA, MD, SC, GA, FL, WI, IL, IN, VA, KY, WV, and some others than I know I'm forgetting). I spent the best eight months of my life as the interim youth director/intern pastor/young adults minister/jack of all trades at my internship congregation. I have gotten my butt kicked in a big way by seminary and CPE for the past four months during the semester from hell. I've learned what burnout feels like. I've written a 20 page approval essay, filled out over 12 pages of ordination and assignment forms, and officially been approved. I've toured NYC with a group of 70 high schoolers and then later by myself. I've been grilled on my views of homosexuality in the church by people who were in charge of deciding whether or not I was fit to be a pastor in the church. I've had my car broken into. I've redefined what home means in my life. I've put away my Midwest modesty and told a bishop face-to-face that I happen to be very good at ministry and essentially that he should be very interested in calling me to his synod. I've preached the best and worst sermons of my career as a "pastor." I've found myself surrounded by some of the best friends a person can ask for during this whole crazy period of my life. It's been one crazy year. And this coming year promises to be even crazier.

On the bill for 2008:
-An ethics class starting Thursday that's probably going to kick my butt.
-A trip to Charlotte to visit friends
-Floor tickets to the Foo Fighters in Feb.
-Helping a friend pilot a new worship service for his church
-A potential trip to Orlando with a good friend for a conference on working with young adults
-The "Great Draft" and Assignment where I find out where I will be doing ministry for the next 3 years of my life
-My final semester at seminary
-Preaching at the Chapel at Luther on March 7 (GULP!)
-My graduation
-My little sis' graduation
-Weddings in Fargo, Winona, and Miami
-A first call to who knows where?????

It's going to be a big and definitive year and I can't wait!

A Memorable Christmas

2007-12-29T15:35:00.000-04:00

This Christmas was very bittersweet for different reasons this year. First of all, it's probably my last Christmas Eve at home as a "spectator" in a congregation for a long, long time. It's weird but I made sure to enjoy the time with family on Christmas Eve and my time at church at the congregation I've belonged to since I was a baby.

Second, I woke up to a nice surprise on Christmas morning. I had gone to the 11 p.m. candlelight service on Christmas Eve at my home congregation and I had to drive my mom back to St. Louis Park from Anoka which was a haul (40 minute drive) and then I had to drive myself back to St. Paul. All in all, I didn't get to bed till around 2 a.m. on Christmas morning. I woke up the next day, got ready for Christmas Day festivities at my parents place and went out to my car around 10:30 a.m. to drive out. I come to my car on the driver's side and realize there's something wrong. As I look through the window I see that the front passenger side window has been broken and there's glass everywhere and it's really obvious someone has broken into my car. Oh $&%*!

Yeah, not the best Christmas gift ever. The worst part was I had pretty much parked right below my bedroom window and didn't hear a thing all night long. The engine was fine and I could start up my car no problem. But, still, what a pain. Plus, the fact that it's Christmas Day means that I can't do anything. The police aren't going to take the report because they're only doing emergencies. The insurance is the same way. So, my dad comes to pick me up and we use some garbage bags and duct tape to cover up the window, especially since it's due to snow.

The thing is, these weren't exactly the smartest of criminals. I'm guessing it's probably meth or drug addicts of some sort because they were looking for quick money. They emptied my ash tray which probably had about 40 cents worth of change and went through my glove compartment. They also looked through my trunk. The losses on my part:

-40 cents worth of change (and mind you, they missed another obvious compartment in my car that did happen to have about $20 worth of change in it)
-The Christmas cookies from my Grandma
-A small bag with some old smelly soccer gear (granted, I hate having to replace my cleats, I've had them for over five years now)
-Some empty jewel cases for CDs (and yet missed the dozen or so CDs in my car)
-Harry Potter 7 on CD which I have downloaded on my computers and ipod (also, missing two CDs because they were in my CD visor so I don't think they're going to get far with it)

Thank goodness I don't keep anything real valuable in my car. But, it's been a pain trying to replace the glass. And I don't know what it is but I've just heard of a lot of people getting their car broken into lately. And I really do hate having to worry about my car when I park it outside in the lot now. It's one more stressor I simply don't want in my life. But I guess I'll get used to it. I always do. Plus, it could have been a whole lot worse. They didn't touch my engine. I don't keep anything in my car. Also, it wasn't stolen. So, I'll take what I can get and cough up the deductible for the new window.

But seriously, who breaks into someone's car on Christmas Day? That's just lame.

Merry Christmas!!!

2007-12-25T16:55:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to say Merry Christmas to y'all! I hope you are having a wonderful day celebrating Jesus' birth with your family and friends. Peace!

Why Blog and Other Random End of the Semester Thoughts

2007-12-19T00:19:00.001-04:00

I've been asking myself why I blog the past couple of days. Part of this may have been induced by wanting another way to distract myself while writing my papers. Part of it was also looking back on this past semester and realizing how much time I've spent whining on my blog. Narcissism has apparently been my sin of choice during this past semester on the blog. All of this in the midst of visiting people in the hospital who are going through much rougher times than me and also having this hospital related crisis strike way too close to home with one our seminary classmates. Could I be any more dense? So, I apologize to you dear readers for all my complaining. I like to think that you all read this because many of you care enough about me to suffer through my many complaints about the semester and the system.

But, in the midst of that struggle I keep on blogging because I think it is a great way to keep in touch. It proved to do just that over internship and it helps keep me connected to friends who I cannot catch on a regular basis back in the Cities. Granted, this is no excuse for me to slack on good old fashioned face time but that has unfortunately been rare this past semester.

I also do it because it's a way for me to look back on all that has transpired in life these past few crazy years. I love rereading stories that I forgot about and times where God did something unexpected and amazing. And I guess that's the other reason I blog: it's a great way to witness to all the incredible things God is doing in my life.

Also, the school portion of the semester from hell is finished! I just emailed my final paper for my last class and now all I have to do is show up to the hospital on Thursday. And let me tell you, it feels great! We often talk about burn out in ministry. The funny thing is I did a ton last year on internship and didn't come close to this stress level at all. There was something so energizing and empowering about being in that ministry site. And then there was this semester which is the closest thing to burnout I have ever experienced (the other might be my junior year of college when my personal life and school life went haywire for different reasons but I digress...). I now know what burnout in the ministry feels like. And let me tell you, I never want to feel this again. This semester has served as a cautionary tale and if I ever find myself at this point again, I hope I can find the courage to make a drastic change in my life. I also know that I definitely have no desire to be a chaplain and I applaud those who do this type of ministry for a living. I'll stick to my lock-ins, retreats, camps, and mission trips thank you very much!

Almost There...

2007-12-15T14:29:00.000-04:00

I've been asked by a couple of my friends who are just starting out at seminary how I've gone through four years of finals here and am still sane. Part of it is that I can simply handle more stress than the normal person. I think the biology major and classics double major was a huge contributing factor to this high tolerance for enormous loads of classwork and high pressure situations. Part of it is I'm pretty happy-go-lucky so it takes a lot to get me down in the first place. The other factor has been slowly growing since I started seminary but I finally have a name for it. Apathy! Yes, I know, it sounds all negative. But here's the deal: I've spent most of my life really caring way too much about grades, papers, doing really good professional academically solid work. So I think a healthy dose of apathy is my friend at a high pressure time like this. Sure, I want to pass all my classes and get good marks on my papers but I'm approaching my writing more casually and I've also done this so many times that I have simply realized that it will all get done. It always does.

So, I have ~15 pages left to write before Wed. night and then when I walk out of the hospital on Thursday later afternoon, I will be a free woman. And honestly, I can't wait. I want my life back. I want to have time and energy to spend with friends and family. This semester has taken more energy and joy from my life than I'd like to admit. Thank goodness I have been surrounded by great people that have been able to put up with a less joyous and energetic me this semester. So, only 15 pages left! And for those of your who are also suffering through finals, good luck and God bless! You're definitely in my prayers. We're almost there!

Finals Survival 101

2007-12-09T20:09:00.000-04:00

My Survival Kit for Finals this Year:

-Clif Bars and Powerbar Powershots
I'm reminded of training for a marathon. I suppose trying to get through these two weeks is going to be somewhat similar but instead of being able to pick a nice, slower, suitable pace for the 26.2 miles, I'm being forced to run it at a sprint...

-Pre-made Chili and other various soups
Earlier in the semester I would make huge pots of chili and freeze the leftovers for later use. Well, thanks to this handy technique I won't have to cook for the rest of the semester but if I get hungry for something different I can always reach for the...

-Velveta Shells and Cheese
One of my favorite comfort foods (Chipotle being the top of that list). It's quick, it's easy, and it's incredibly bad for me. But it tastes so good when it's midnight I have a paper to finish.

-Bright Red Starbucks To-Go Cup/Thermos
Caffeine will be desperately needed and since it feels like January here, warm caffeine is preferred to the usual DC.

-My Check-list
Yes, the borderline J/P of my Myers Brigs personality shifts to the J side during this part of the year. I know exactly what stands between me and freedom.

-I Am Legend
My planned night off this coming weekend will involve hopefully talking other people into venturing to the MN Zoo in Apple Valley that has a kickin' IMAX screen (and if you're reading this and at Luther and want to come, please let me know). Nothing like some zombie-esque things attacking Will Smith to make me get over the finals induced horror in my own life. Bonus: the IMAX showing of I Am Legend will have a 6 minute preview of The Dark Knight, the new Batman flick.

-iPod
Tunes help keep me sane during the long, quiet hours in the library. At the top of my playlist are:
-Time is Running Out by Papa Roach - Great beat, rocking guitars, and with lyrics like "I refuse to surrender," well, it's enough to keep me going for another 3 minutes (the duration of the song).
-Makes Me Wonder by Maroon 5 - Just a fun, pop-y song that I can't get enough of.
-MmmHmm by Relient K - Yes the whole album! With songs that remind me that there is an escape to all the crazyness and that there is life after death and taxes (and finals) and their fun pop/punk stylings with subtle Christian lyrics, I'm all over it.

In All Honesty...

2007-12-08T18:47:00.001-04:00

...I'm tired and I'm desperately need this semester to be over. Now, this isn't your usual finals-induced rants that comes at the end of every semester. This semester has been completely different than any other I've experienced. In other words, I bit off a bit more than I could chew. This from the girl who finished up 6 classes, worked 20 hours a week, led worship, captained a soccer team, and managed to have a pretty sweet social life right before she left for internship.

But, I've pretty much got one class finished which leaves me with a group presentation, 7-8 page paper, another 15 page paper, and some various CPE stuff. I'm almost there...

On a lighter note, I got approved this week which means that I'm done with my last hoop in the candidacy process (the process that decides whether or not we're suitable to become a pastor). They asked some hard questions (under what circumstances would you ask someone in your congregation to leave the church?) but they still passed me even though I stumbled through parts of the interview.

Also, last night the seminary had a barn dance (think square dance) and it was an absolute riot! I somehow ended up with a cowboy hat on for the entire night and even got paid for the night through my work at the student services office. I also made the President of Luther dance with me. It was hilarious. Pictures will most likely be forthcoming.

By the Way...

2007-12-01T12:45:00.000-04:00

...next year I will be going to Region 3 (the midwest so Minneapolis, St. Paul, or Eastern ND), Region 2 (the southwest so California, Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Wyoming, Nevada), or Region 9 (the southeast so North Carolina). And for those of you who have been following this for awhile, you all know what that last preference may mean. The funny thing was, as much as I thought that putting those down on my forms would be a huge deal and a reason to panic well, it was actually really easy. I think I've known for awhile what I wanted and needed to put so it all went fairly smooth when it came to that point. So, now I get to wait till Feb.

In the meantime, I'm trying to work past the apathy I'm feeling toward the end of this semester. I have three weeks left and am finding it hard to really care that much. I know what I have to do (I made an extensive list of all that is standing between me and freedom) but actually working up the motivation to do it is another story. Hence why I'm sitting in the library writing a blog entry. But, only three more weeks of the semester from hell. And you know, as much as I complain, I am grateful for the way everything has worked out this semester. I have a great CPE group, my friends and family have been nothing but supportive, and I actually have really good classes.

Oh, and it's snowing out! I'm trying to relearn how to drive in the snow after a year in the South but thankfully I have a Subaru with very handy all-wheel drive. But, it's beautiful and I do love it here! Now, all I need to do is finish this sermon and then I can go out and play in the snow.

Assignment Part III

2007-11-28T23:46:00.000-04:00

Well, it's official. The forms are in the [e-] mail and all of this is officially out of my hands and in the hands of God and the ELCA bishops. And you know, it feels really hard to believe. I mean, all of this seems really hard to believe. Here I am, a senior at seminary, getting ready to finally go out and do what I knew I was supposed to do with my life nearly nine years ago. Yeah, that's right, I knew that I was supposed to be a pastor when I was 17 (but I ran from this whole thing for about four years). And it's weird being the expert at seminary as a senior. People ask for your advice on the internship process, classes, and profs. I'm still not used to that. It feels like I just started this whole crazy process yesterday.

But, it's a great feeling to know that I'm that much closer to being done, to being out there in a church for more than a year, to finally put everything that I've learned to use. I don't know if I'm completely ready but then again, I don't think you can ever really be ready for something like this. I just keep on trusting, praying, hoping, and knowing that the best is yet to come.

2007-11-26T23:53:00.000-04:00

My professor's reaction to finding out that I was his assisting minister in chapel at seminary = "You are so lucky that I could get fired for dressing a student up like an elf."

Assignment Part II

2007-11-26T21:10:00.000-04:00

I am almost finished with my assignment paperwork!!! It really seems hard to believe that these forms will largely determine the next 3+ years of my life. I can't say how good it feels to almost be done though. I spent most of my Thanksgiving break working on these papers. In fact, the only day I took off was Thanksgiving itself. Wow, that's depressing. But it feels wonderful to almost have it all done. And I think that's how it's supposed to feel. I'm glad I'm excited about this, not just because it means that I have one less thing to worry about, but instead because it means I'm step closer to being out in the parish.

The one last thing I have to finish before I send this in: regional preferences. I will have my choices posted later this week. :)

Assignment Part I

2007-11-19T01:00:00.000-04:00

(I'm going to warn you right off the bat, these next few weeks will be full of musings about my future and the all important assignment paperwork. So bear with me through this process...)

I’m starting down my assignment paperwork right now. I have all the questions in front of me and I have all my answer outlined. However, I have yet to take all my bullet-points and turn them into coherent sentences (as if anyone could make sense of “called to a big job, but we have support, first from God (we are empowered by the HS), work ourselves out of a job). It’s a daunting task to say the least. I remember talking to one of my friends about this during his senior year, two years ago. He said he was having a hard time trusting that the Holy Spirit could work through all this paperwork. I’m finding myself in the same position.

To start, I have no idea what some of the questions are asking. Describe how persons and events shaped your approach to parish ministry. Alright, what if my approach to ministry changes due to the context? Another pet peeve: some of the questions seem to be asking the same thing. Finish this statement: I serve faithfully by… I live out my faith in this way… I answered one and then look at the next question and went, well, I already answered that in the first question. It seems so crazy that the next three years of my life are largely determined by questions such as these.

However, at the same time, I know that this is not the end all. Either way, I will be assigned to a synod (an area of the country) and as long as the bishop is on the ball, I will have interviews with churches. I will be able to meet with people face-to-face. And I will be able to finally be a full-fledged pastor.

As daunting as all this paperwork is for me, I know that it’s an exciting opportunity. This is what I have known deep down that I am supposed to be doing, ever since my youth pastor nonchalantly told me as a 17 year old that I would become a youth pastor someday. So, here goes nothing!

Random Thoughts

2007-11-07T23:56:00.000-04:00

Some random thoughts for the day:

-I have to finish my assignment paperwork and put down my preferences for regions and synods (where I want to go for my first call as a pastor) in less than a month. Holy ___! Where am I thinking right now? In no particular order: the Southwest (California, Colorado, Wyoming, Utah), Washington, Oregon, Maryland-Delaware, Metro D.C. and believe it or not, the Twin Cities and Eastern North Dakota (yeah, I know, WTF?). We'll see what actually goes down on my paper work. Even thought it doesn't seem like there's going to be much time between now and then, a lot can happen (just look at this past week, whew!).

-Why does everything have to happen at once? Seriously. It's not been one major thing happening these past few weeks but just a bunch of smaller yet very dramatic things that have meant my emotions have been all over the place. Arg.

-I was all excited to start the new week with a lighter load of homework and then, when I'm finally relaxing on Monday night at 9:00 p.m. and I get called into the hospital. Apparently there's no rest for the weary since this was my second on-call emergency within the week. And I'm paying to be put through this...

-I'm always surprised at how the little, unexpected things can bring joy to my life. A random phone call to a friend turns into a great conversation. My roommate's cat decides to snuggle with me. Finding a friend who is just as passionate about something as you and talking shop all of a sudden becomes something you look forward to.

This week has been full of highs and lows, along the same line as last week. I keep on looking forward to the future and hope. Sometimes that's all I can do.

Conflicted

2007-10-31T22:31:00.000-04:00

Today was a good day. The earlier posts speaks to why it was good. But today was also a day of conflicting emotions. Heck, this year has been a year of conflicting emotions. I got news today that one of my seminary classmates was diagnosed with acute leukemia. I do not know all the details right off the bat but I do know that he started chemo today, they're doing aggressive treatment which means the cancer is most likely aggressive, and he has a family. Along with the news is the story of Katherine Ann Olson, a young adult in the area that was murdered recently. I found out that she also had a lot of connections to the seminary and the community was also feeling that death. Then there is my work as a chaplain, encountering people facing death, cancer, chronic illness, and no explanation for why they are feeling pain and no cure for what they are facing. There are also those around me facing divorce, heart break, heart ache, a major surgery, and lots of questions about how this is all going to end.

There is a lot of pain out there. This past week I've walked and talked with people experiencing pain. I've felt pain myself in watching these stories play out. We are all affected by it. There's no escaping it.

And today I was met with something quite unexpected. I was met with joy as I looked toward my future and saw hope. I was met with joy as the fact that I will someday be a Lutheran Pastor, perhaps in one of these synods that visited today. And yet, I somehow felt guilty about this experience. One of my classmates should have been with us today, even if he already has his first call together. Here I was, able to look at my future with hope, joy, and high expectations and here I'm sure he and his family were rewriting their story and their future was no longer sure.

With so much pain surrounding us, I wonder if I really have the right to celebrate. Is this joy a fluke? Can I truly feel joy in the midst of all this pain, questioning, and uncertainty?

Well, apparently I can because today I did feel joy. And maybe that's exactly what we need in the midst of this pain and suffering. Because you know, the pain is never going to completely go away and suffering unfortunately is also a certainty in life. What I found today was that I needed to remember that there is hope and joy in the world and that I could experience it in the midst of all the crap that is going on around me. And maybe that hope and joy is more potent because I am aware of how precious it is; I am aware of what a gift joy and hope are. I was also reminded of the need to surround myself with those things that give me joy whether it be my friends or family and also to do those things that give me joy such journal, listen to music, or spending time at church. If we cut ourselves off from those things that bring us joy in the first place, we aren't doing ourselves any favors. We cannot feel guilty in these situations. The pain already runs so deep we only make it worse if we start beating ourselves up for laughing, living for the moment, sharing in fellowship, or looking forward with hope. It will often be these things that carry us through the pain, that help us heal, that help us move forward.

It's always a balancing act. As I face both pain and joy in my life and in the life of those who surround me, I try to keep both in sight. If I lose the pain, then I lose the meaningfulness of true hope and true joy. If I lose hope and joy, then I will sink into despair. I know that I err to one side or the other, depending on the day. But I have to keep at it. I have no choice. And I keep living life and taking one day at a time, knowing that it will invariably be filled with both. It's all I can do sometimes. And it makes days like today that much more precious.

The Real Thing

2007-10-31T20:38:00.000-04:00

Happy Halloween/Reformation Day. Yes, October 31 is the very day that Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses on a door at Wittenberg. It's good stuff!

Today was a momentous day for and the rest of the senior class at seminary for another reason. Bishops from six different synods and regions of the ELCA from all over the country were here visiting. Now, after we graduate from seminary we do not go out and get to look for a call as a pastor at anyplace we want. Instead, we are asked to put down preferences of where we would like to take our first call. Some people are allowed to restrict depending on medical conditions, spouses with jobs, houses, etc. I am not one of these people. So, I put my life in the hands of the ELCA Bishops who will pick me from a pool of seminary candidates from all eight different ELCA seminaries. They will decide where I do ministry for the next three or so years of my life.

So today I put on the power suit (taking a page from my East Coast friend who said that their fear was always being the least dressed up person in the room) and came to seminary not quite knowing what to expect. What I found were six individuals who were very dedicated to God, the church, the mission of the church, and outreach. We did a panel discussion, ate lunch with them, and then got a chance to talk with them on a more individual basis.

The experience was invigorating! There were so many creative ways that people were doing ministry that it was a breath of fresh air. The bishops also seemed very supportive of those called to their area for first call. They wanted to talk to us and get to know us. They were well spoken, patient, and passionate.

So here I was, staring at my future in the church: hearing about what opportunities there were out there in the church, hearing about the challenges that were facing the church, and some of the creative ways that people were looking to reach out to those who had never heard about God or Jesus. I should have been terrified. Instead, I couldn't wait to start! In a semester full of case studies, scenarios, and missing being in a church, here was a hard dose of reality. You're going to be out there in less than a year. It's not school. It's not going to be easy. It's actually going to be really hard. But, I finally saw myself in someplace new, I saw myself at these synods, I saw myself at places like NW Washington, Delaware-Maryland, and even Eastern ND. I was no longer just thinking about these preferences as geographical points on a map, instead, they were places that need pastors, that need people who are passionate about preaching the Gospel, that need leadership that will raise up leadership among the people.

Today, I got a glimpse of my future in the church and I can't wait!

Just a Game But Not

2007-10-28T20:11:00.000-04:00

Found this article on ESPN.com and thought I'd share it because it's really good and I'm sure will be a sermon illustration someday down the line.

Baseball's Only a Game to Real-Life Survivors Lester, Cook
By Gene Wojciechowski

DENVER -- Jon Lester had cancer. Lymphoma, to be exact, but cancer. Whatever the exact name, you don't want it. The same goes for blood clots. Aaron Cook can tell you all about them. He had them in his lungs.

Sunday evening, in Game 4 of the World Series, a cancer survivor and a blood clot survivor will take turns on the Coors Field mound. Lester can give the Boston Red Sox their second world championship (and second sweep) in the past four years. Cook can keep the Colorado Rockies from becoming a postseason footnote and oh-fer victim.

Two pitchers. Two men who weren't entirely sure -- how could they be? -- that they'd ever play baseball again. And now one of them can help end a World Series and the other can help extend it.

"You know, I'm just trying to take it as another start, trying not to look at it as anything extra than that," said quiet, unassuming Lester.

But it isn't just another start, is it? A World Series is at stake, but what makes it an extraordinary night is the convergence of circumstances that brings Lester and Cook to this moment.

"I don't think it's a coincidence," said Rockies manager Clint Hurdle. "I think this game drips with irony at different times for different reasons, and it's not just because of the game or the manager matching pitchers."

Maybe, as Hurdle said, "God's fingerprints" were all over this one. Or maybe it was simply two guys who got lucky. Whatever the reasons, they're here.

Neither player was a lock to start Game 4. Lester wasn't added to the Red Sox rotation until a shoulder and back injury to veteran knuckleballer Tim Wakefield forced manager Terry Francona to reluctantly drop Wakefield from the World Series roster. The decision to use Cook wasn't made until he convinced Hurdle he had recovered sufficiently from an oblique injury.

"It is kind of ironic with him going through what he went through and me what I went through, both of us to work our way back to the top level of professional baseball," Cook said. "It's tough enough to get here, and what we've been through just to keep our focus, keep our faith and just realize … that baseball is not the most important thing."

But it's the thing that kept them going. Lester was first diagnosed with a rare form of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma in September 2006, near the end of his wonderful rookie season. He began chemotherapy that same month, and by December, his doctors no longer could detect any cancer.

The Red Sox hoped for the best. Lester didn't. He said he never considered a scenario that would prevent him from complete recovery, from imagining a moment like the one he'll experience Sunday night at Coors Field.

"That's not my mentality," Lester said. "I'm a competitor. I don't want to be down with anything. I just try to take that mentality into it. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Don't sit at home and think about it."

So he went fishing. He hunted. "I just tried to do that and keep my mind off the other stuff and tried to be as normal as I could," he said.

Normal to Lester is playing baseball. The Red Sox admired his optimism, but they weren't counting on anything. Even when Lester arrived at spring training, the team's expectations were simple: Expect nothing. Anything else would be a pleasant surprise.

"What he went through was a very difficult winter, I'm sure, for he and his family," said Red Sox manager Terry Francona. "He handled it with grace, a lot of dignity, a lot of perseverance, and because of that [and] some really neat medical people, the fact that we're even talking about baseball is really awesome. I think before Jon picked up a ball this year, it was already a successful year."

Lester began the season with Class A Greenville. Then Triple-A Pawtucket. His 2007 big league debut didn't come until July 23 against the Cleveland Indians, when he won a major league game for the first time since Aug. 23, 2006. You could hear the cheers all the way back from his hometown of Puyallup, Wash.

The guy is undefeated in the majors this season. One more win and the Red Sox break out the swim goggles and start spraying champagne.

"Last year, I didn't really get a chance to enjoy what was going on, and being up in the big leagues, being a part of every kid's dream and playing up there with these guys," Lester said. "I took a lot of things for granted last year and beat myself up over little things. This year, I've tried to just have fun, treat it like a game, like a kid's game, have fun doing it, and I think it's helped out quite a bit."

It also helps to be healthy. Cook knows the feeling.

During a late 2004 start, he experienced dizziness on the mound. Doctors discovered that one of his ribs was pressing against a vein and that the odd condition was creating life-threatening blood clots. He wouldn't pitch again for nearly a year.

Cook recovered. He returned in 2005 and won six consecutive games. His story was as inspirational as Lester's is now.

"There's a verse in the Bible that says, 'Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because testing of your faith develops perseverance,'" said Cook, the Rockies' 2007 Opening Day starter. "That's one verse I really held on to."

Cook and the Rockies face the postseason's most difficult trial: an 0-3 deficit and the sobering truth that they have to win four consecutive games against a Red Sox team on a 7-0 World Series victory run. They'll need more than faith to do that. They'll need Cook to last longer than the 2 2/3 innings starter Josh Fogg (10 hits, six runs) lasted in Saturday night's 10-5 loss.

Otherwise, when the Coors Field public-address announcer asks the crowd for its fourth-inning music request, as he did a night earlier, the crowd might ask for "Taps."

Cook won't have it easy. The Rockies have scored a grand total of seven runs in three games. And because of the muscle strain, he was left off the NLCS roster and hasn't pitched in a big league game since Aug. 10.

"I feel pretty comfortable with where I'm at, and [Sunday night] will be the real test," Cook said. "It's the biggest stage."

Funny, Lester said the same thing. Figures. Survivors are like that.

Sermon Scenarios

2007-10-28T13:41:00.000-04:00

I'm preaching my first sermon for senior preaching and worship tomorrow. For our senior year, they decide it's a good idea to give us some hands on stuff to work on. In other words, we get scenarios and then we have to figure out how to preach on them as opposed to the usual look at a text and make something up approach. For our first sermon we are given a scenario for either a funeral or a wedding. I chose funeral because frankly, funeral preaching scares me. So I figured I'd go for it.

I open my scenario sheet and this is what I get:

"Howard drowned at age 44 when his fishing boat turned over. He was probably drunk or high or both. He was baptized and confirmed in your parish, but his membership had lapsed years ago and he never attended. He was involved in several businesses, and according to the town gossip, was a drug dealer. He and his wife had 5 children and have been divorced for some time. He was living with his "fiance" as he has been introducing her for the last 5 years and has 2 young children with her. You know her as a neighbor and a sometime church attender. She has asked you to do the funeral because you're the only pastor she knows and Howard was connected to your parish long ago? You knew Howard only superficially as a gregarious man and that, as people in town say, "you either loved him or hated him."

Whew! Here's another one I've been looking at not for a preaching course but for a practical theology course:

Claurice, 71, was a marginal church member. She hadn't been in church for a couple years, before that Christmas and Easter, funerals and weddings. Upper-middle class, she raised 2 daughters and a son, all of whom are well-educated and have prosperous careers and have no connection with the church. The daughters are married by have no children. You have called on her several times during her final hospital stay. The funeral is in the mortuary.
Daughter Elizabeth was asked to speak for the family and gave the following eulogy:
"Mom, we miss you. We can't think of a single thing to fault you with, since to all of us you have have been nothing but kindness and love... Mom might not have been much of a church-goer, but she didn't need to be. She thought the church was full of hypocritical, judgmental people and didn't need the church to be the kind of great woman she was. She is gone now, but not really. How could she be? Every time I look out the window and see the beautiful cloud formations... she is there... she is here. She lives on... the starts above are her presence, the sun is her warmth and the singing birds her voice. We love you, Mom. You will never die."
Next comes a solo, "To Dream the Impossible Dream," sung by a well-paid stranger, and now it's your turn!

Whew again! If I got to pick, I'm not sure which one I'd go with. But, regardless, as much as we may flinch at these scenarios, the thing is, these are based on real situations. Granted, ever funeral will not be as crazy as these scenarios but stuff like this can still happen. These just seem so ridiculous because we're all given the crazy ones all at once. But, I'm glad for the chance to try these out in front of friends and get insights and feedback. So, onto writing my sermon!

2007-10-22T23:45:00.000-04:00

To live in this world

You must be able
To do three things:
To love what is mortal;
To hold it

Against your bones knowing
Your own life depends on it’ and, when the time comes to let it go,
To let it go.

Mary Oliver
“In Blackwater Woods”

Ran across the poem while researching for a project for my Job class and thought I would share it.

Choices or Life Getting in the Way of Life

2007-10-18T22:52:00.000-04:00

Tonight is one of those nights where I hate the fact that I'm good at cramming a lot into one day. Tonight I was supposed to go and see the band The Daredevil Christopher Wright which happens to be composed of some old camp friends who are amazingly talented musicians. But alas, earlier this week I locked in my faculty approval interview for Friday at 3:15. I know you're thinking, 3:15, that's not bad! Go out, have a beer, enjoy some great live music! But of course, I spend all day on Friday before the interview in class. Plus, this is an important interview so it means that I have to get business suited up and look all nice and fresh and professional. Grrr...

So tonight I had to choose between an extra hour and half of sleep and great live music, one of my admitted weaknesses. And well, here I am, not at the show. And it was so hard! These are friends that I haven't seen for over four years! And yet, I had to make the call on my own. As my friend Nick put it when I told him I wasn't coming, it was life getting in the way of life.

It seems like this has been happening more and more as I've gotten older. It seems that as we grow up, our choices impact our life in more profound ways. Instead of simply choosing what to wear in elementary school (considering your parents let you choose...) or what fun electives to take in middle school all of a sudden we were faced with choices that would have bigger ramifications on our future. When we chose classes in high school (honors, AP, IB, etc.) we were not simply choosing for the moment but instead we were thinking about our GPA's and incidentally, our transcript that would influence our future at college. When we started at college, certain majors and career paths needed to be taking certain classes right off the bat. As I've start seminary I've had to make many choices about life. Internship close to home or far away in someplace new? CPE or my chaplaincy during the summer or during the school year? Living on or off campus? What churches do I put down on my internship application form?

And here I am now, facing some of the biggest choices of my life. Where do I want to go after I finish seminary? What locations around the country am I going to put down for my destination for my first three years in ministry? What kind of church and what kind of ministry do I want to go to? And more importantly, how does this work out with my personal life? How does this work out with relationships that important to me, friends and family? How will this place nurture me spiritually, mentally and emotionally? And I know I'm not the only one asking these types of questions right now. Am I on the right career path? Should I go back to school? I just got this great job offer that takes me far from home, what do I do now? These are all huge questions and choices will have to be made that take into account all of these questions.

And truth be told, I'm a bit terrified. How am I supposed to choose in the midst of all of these different things: friends, family, churches, locations, etc. vying for my heart and time? What happens if I make the wrong or a bad choice? Because, I have made my share of bad choices throughout my life, there is no doubt about that. And we all know that all choices have consequences, good and bad. And life has this annoying way of getting in the way of life.

But I can't exactly hide under a rock and avoid making these choices. They're coming one way or another. And all I can do is pray (A LOT) and do the best I can with the choice and hope that I am met with grace on the other side. The funny thing is as I face this all I am reminded of a sermon that I preached not even six months ago. My point was that God is causing everything, all of our good choices and bad choices to work out for the good and work toward our final destination, a full life, an eternal life with our Lord (see the story of Joseph in Genesis). Therefore, we are called to live a life of hope, a life where we can trust that nothing, not even any bad life choices we may make, can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. And here I am, six months later, clinging to these words that I wrote back in March, that I believed fiercely then, and believe even more fiercely and boldly now. Tonight was a small choice among a year of bigger ones yet to come. So, here I go!

I Love the Fall!

2007-10-17T18:17:00.000-04:00

There's something about the end of September and the month of October that I simply love. Part of it is the cooler weather, the opportunity to sleep with the windows open and snuggle beneath multiple blankets. The colors are changing around the Twin Cities and it is simply breathtaking when I drive over the MN River Valley on the way to my CPE site. I also get to dig out all my sweaters, long-sleeved shirts, and sweatshirts which means my wardrobe nearly doubles. However, a huge part of it is the MLB playoff push. I remember three years ago when the Red Sox came back from a three game deficit to pummel the Yankees in Game 7 of the ALCS. I remember two years ago when the MN Twins made the historic run to the playoffs when only a couple of months ago they were struggling to stay above .500. What I will take from this year is the Rockies' streak to the World Series. Let me give you a few facts (courtesy of ESPN.com)

They've won 21 of its last 22 games.

They were only four games over .500 on Sept. 15, two weeks before the season ended and the playoffs began.

They were six games out of the wild-card race in September.

They were 4.5 games back with only nine games left to play.

They were two games behind with only two games to play.

After they had won their last game the Padres were only 1 strike away from clinching the wild-card in their final game thus disqualifying the Rockies.

They were two runs behind in the 13th inning of the mini-playoff game against the Padres.

And yet, here they are, ready for their first World Series with a group of players that have been relatively unknown till this streak. Who the heck is Todd Helton, Josh Fogg, Matt Holliday, or Seth Smith? And it is these relatively unknown players that have now become MVP's and heroes.

Why am I so fascinated with this team and this story? I love the underdog, there's no way around that but that's not the whole story. The Rockies also remind me a bit of the MN Twins last year who took the AL Central division crown the very last game of the season to cap off an incredible come-from-behind-run only to lose it in the playoffs. But there's something more to this. Through this whole story, even before the first game of the World Series will even be played and whether they win or lose (I'm hoping that they win), they have accomplished the impossible. And they have accomplished the impossible not with big names and big salaries but with a heckuva lot of determination and heart. How do you not love that? I like to believe in miracles and I think this qualifies as a sporting miracle. So, Go Rockies!!!

Midterms

2007-10-15T23:35:00.000-04:00

Seriously, how is this semester almost halfway over already? Needless to say, I'm a bit swamped right now, hence the lack of posting. Here are a couple quick thoughts.

-Trying to remember how to write papers and especially also the lines of exegesis = not fun (and for those of you who don't know what exegesis means, neither do I really. I just kind of make stuff up and talk about a Biblical text and what it might mean)

-Why do midterms have to coincide with the MLB playoffs? I feel that this is just cruel, especially when I really want to stay up and watch the Rockies attempt a sweep tonight.

Alright, I'm done complaining. Now off to bed! I promise I'll post something more substantial after I finish my Job project/paper or when I desperately need a distraction from said project/paper.

Only Connect

2007-10-06T11:52:00.001-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posting for the past week. It's been a challenge to blog this week for me. The funny thing is it's not about not having things to write about and big topics on my mind. Instead, this week has suddenly thrown so much in face that touches on my past and on my unforeseen future. That and everything that's happened is highly personal and doesn't seem proper to put on a blog. Instead, these are things that I will ponder in my heart for years to come.

But, in the midst of this I feel like I've touched on the bigger picture. I've been reminded of how the most unexpected people can become some of your best friends. I've seen that taking life one week at a time isn't really an option for me anymore, I need to look at the big picture. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm giving the system the proverbial finger and it feels really good! I've seen with old friends how some things never change and how they change so quickly you wonder how things became so different in such a short time. I've been reminded that the pain of loss never really goes away because there are always those around you experiencing the same thing you did years ago. One of my old mentors has now started treating me as a colleague which is exciting and scary at the same time. When did I grow up? I've jumped in to new and old friendships and relationships painfully aware that my time in this community has an expiration date that will come faster than any of us can anticipate.

In the midst of this I'm reminded how important these relationships are and how I'm not meant to go through this alone. I watched an episode of one of my favorite shows last night, Joan of Arcadia, called "Only Connect." It's about keeping communication lines open with those around us that we love. I'm reminded of this more than ever now. It's so easy to lose touch, to not make that extra effort to keep in touch and keep communication open. I'm being reminded constantly that the only way I'm going to make it through this week, this semester, this year, and the years to come is if I keep talking to people, if I keep communicating, if I keep connecting. It can be a lonely journey and I know I need all the help I can get.

The Power of Presence

2007-09-28T14:17:00.000-04:00

It's been a week. There's no other way to put it. Between a massive pile of homework being dumped on my head, to being called into the hospital on Monday night, to trying to decide between work and play it's been a week full of surprises both pleasant and not so pleasant.

However, in the midst of all of this, I finally learned what ministry of presence means. Ministry of presence is the fancy term we use in pastoral care that means that in a crisis situation your simple presence is enough to minister to the group of people involved with the crisis. You don't have to do anything or say anything really, you being there is simply enough. Your presence ministers to these people.

Now, for those of you who know me well, you know I am a person of action. I'm a do-er. I'm generally in the middle of the action or I'm instigating action. This whole ministry of presence thing is new to me in a way. Sure, I did a little of that at my internship but I was always the back-up person. There were three other pastors above me so I generally didn't work with these types of situations.

But this week I was faced with stories and events that really showed me how meaningful it can be to simple just be there. As I read the story of Job and hear about his three friends who come and sit with Job through his suffering, after he has lost nearly everything and simply be with him. Granted, then they started talking and it all went downhill from there but that initial presence, acknowledging his suffering was a powerful witness and it gave him the space to start talking about what he was going through.

As I continue my work as a chaplain, I find this more and more. I am put in situations where I have no words, where the situation is over my head and I have nothing to say and yet, me being there is enough. It's quite something for this action oriented person to wrap her head around. And yet, it's something I think we've all experienced. When we've had a bad day and a friend doesn't even know what happened but somehow knows to give you a great big hug and doesn't even have to say a word. How simply having a shoulder to cry on can make all the different during a difficult time.

Just be. Just be there. And the grace of God will fill in the rest.

Closing Out the Season

2007-09-24T00:53:00.000-04:00

It's official. I went to my last Twins game of the season on Saturday. Four Twins games in the 5 weeks I've been back in MN isn't too bad. However, my record at the Twins games hasn't been so good (o-4, ouch!). However, there was a silver lining to all of this.

Friday's game was a hoot partially because of the company (my roomie Becca and our friend Nick) and partially because the game was actually exciting (despite the fact that we lost). Plus, since Nick has such a loud voice and really likes to shout the entire game, I felt like I could yell a little more than usual because, well, no one could hear me anyway.

Saturday was a last minute decision. I was supposed to spend the day in the library working on a paper and reading for seminary but I got an offer I couldn't refuse. My friend, Corey, had amazing seats. We were five rows up from the dugout on the edge of the home plate end. It was AMAZING!!!

Yeah, that's my view of Tori Hunter without a zoom.

However, the highlight of the game for me was completely unexpected. As I was walking to our section in the Dome with Corey and his parents I was stopped by a young woman who started asking me, "Are you interested..." and I immediately thought, "Great, she's going to try and sell me a credit card." However, she finished, "...in being a part of one of our promotions?"

...What?! Wait a minute? "Sure!" is thankfully what pops out of my mouth! So, I'm told I'm going to have to guess how many air miles it is from the Dome to some other place in the US. Whoa! I get a pass to the press box and am told to show up in the middle of the third. Oh yeah, and this is all going to be on the jumbotron!!!!!

So, I watch the Twins play the first 3 innings and obediently head to the press box. They explain the game to me: they'll give me two cities and I need to guess the air miles within 200 and then I get a prize. Granted, I'll get a prize one way or another. So, deep breath, smile for the camera that is literally right in my face, and here we go...

How many miles are there between the Metrodome and Petco Park in San Diego? I'm quickly doing the math in my head. It's around 950 miles to Charlotte. I think LA is 175% of that which is close to San Diego so...

My guess = 1672

Actual mileage = 1522

Which means I win!!! I won a pink Twins hat!!! Crazyness! And as I went back to down to our amazing seats people actually recognized me and cheered. It was a weird feeling but it was definitely joyous! So, my claim to fame now: I've been on the Metrodome Jumbotron!

Fear

2007-09-20T21:56:00.000-04:00

Today is one of those days where I wondered what the heck I was getting myself into.

There is a class that we have to take as seniors returning from internship, Exercises in Biblical Theology. No one really knows what the class is but we all have to take it. But, I have really great professors that I trust to do the money I'm spending on this class justice. So far it's been really practical and all about using what we've learning in our past two years in seminary classes and our year on internship and applying it to what we might be doing in our future parishes.

Now, you've all have probably figured out that I had an amazing year on internship. I was a church that was healthy and passionate and all about growing in faith, spirit, and service. It was a near perfect fit and I absolutely loved it there.

Today we got to hear some stories of some not so perfect fits. We got to hear about some congregations that could easily eat a pastor alive. There were stories of the congregations that claimed they wanted change but when the pastor tried to enact the change they were called to do, members of the congregation would resist with a vengeance. There was lying, false accusations against the pastors, drama, drama, drama, and so much more. Granted, we're all human and all capable of doing awful things to each other, myself included. That is not the point of the story though.

The point is, this scared the crap out of my friends and I. I think we all knew that this was a reality, that there are congregations out there that are full of conflict and that we might eventually be called to one. However, that reality hit us full out tonight. Are we prepared to go to call like those that were described to us in detail? NO! At least, I'm not. I have no idea what to do in a congregation like that.

My fear is not only of being placed in this situation but also what can happen to people in that situation. And you wonder why there is so much burnout in church leadership positions? And yet, thought it scares many of us, it is something that needs to be done. These congregations deserve to have a pastor as much as any other congregation. So, how do we swallow our fear of being eaten alive and face this head on? I'm not quite sure. And honestly, a little bit of fear does us good sometimes. Right now it reminds me that I have a long way to go before I'm a pastor in that type of situation. And I guess if I find myself placed at a call like that all I can do is pray and lean heavily on God, my friends and family, and also hopefully the synod.

But, yeah, what the heck have I gotten myself into? :)

Good Sermons

2007-09-19T21:55:00.000-04:00

The other week I went with a couple of friends to the place to see and be seen. It's a hip church service for young adults. It's overpopulated with MIAC graduates (MN private colleges) and young adults from around the Twin Cities. I've been a couple of times and thought I'd check it out again to see what they're doing. It always attracts a huge crowd and people can be seen sitting on the floor and in the aisles. In other words, they must be doing something right.

They had a guest speaker this week, an author of a book. He also fits in the category of young adult (a 20-30 something) and fit the part. We began worship with three songs (only three songs?) and then turned the floor over to the speaker. He was fairly entertaining which was good because he spoke for an HOUR! I tuned in because I was curious where he was going. He talked about defining moments and discerning God's will for our lives which are both topics I had preached on at internship. However, his sermon was littered with stories that had nothing to do with his topic. As soon as I thought I knew where he was going, he completely changed gears. I tried to follow his line of thought but had no real idea where he had been, how he had gotten the amusing story he was talking about now, or how in the heck he was going to wrap all these stories together. Well, in the end he didn't wrap half of his stories together and I was left wondering what in the world had just happened.

I had no idea what the point was. A lot of times people will associate a certain story with the central point. There was no such luck in that department. Granted, his stories were entertaining. It was just frustrating because I was sitting there thinking, alright, this is funny but you're wasting my time with a story that has nothing to do with the point of the sermon and could have easily been cut out.

But though I didn't get it, I talked to people afterwards and they really connected with what he was saying. They didn't know the point either but they were entertained and had gleaned little pieces of wisdom from the story. One of my friends even said that his talk was that extra push she needed to think more seriously about her potential call to ministry in a church. Whoa!

I have no idea what happened there. Somewhere in that mess of a sermon, people were getting something out of it. And I had to take another look at what I considered to be a good sermon? Is it the stories I use? Is it the organization or lack thereof? Is it the scripture? Is it the humor?

Honestly, I don't have a good answer. Do I think he did a good job as a preacher? Eh. Not really. As a Lutheran preacher, I didn't hear a lot about grace. It was all about what I can do for God and for my neighbor. Nothing about how I'm forgiven. And I think that is essential to qualify something as a good sermon. Tell me what God has done for me, not what I can do for God. But, even though that part was missing, somehow what he said spoke to people and where they were at. He met this group of people where they were in their lives. And I think that's the lesson from all of this that I need to keep in mind as I go to preach. Now will I ever preach for an hour and include stories that have nothing to do with the topic and not have a real point. I certainly hope not.

Choosing Teams

2007-09-16T21:16:00.000-04:00

I faced a huge dilemma this weekend. It was Friday night and I was splitting channel time between the Twins/Tigers game and the BoSox/Yankees game. One of the games was a no-brainer. I was cheering for the Red Sox for a couple of reasons. First of all, it's the Red Sox and I still have some lingering allegiance even after they've broken the curse. Sure, they are kind of the new Yankees but I don't think I could ever hate a team as much as the Yankees. However, my deep hatred for the Yankees, born in my love the underdogs and my MN Twins is what caused this crisis of conscience this weekend.

The Twins are pretty much out of the playoffs. It's been a dismal season and I have yet to go to a winning game since the home opener LAST SEASON! But, they' re still my team, they're still my boys and I still will watch their games on TV or on gameday when I'm in the library. Cleveland is on top of the AL Central with Detroit a few games behind. In the East New York has slowly been whittling away at Boston's mid-season 12 game lead. And, unfortunately, New York has overtaken Detroit in the wildcard race.

This means that the two games on Friday had huge implications for the playoffs, considering the season is over in about two weeks. I'm obviously cheering for the BoSox, that's a given. But with the Twins, it gets complicated. I want the Twins to win because, well, it's the Twins. But I also know that we're playing spoiler to Detroit's playoff hopes right now and if Detroit makes the playoffs, that means that New York probably doesn't. So what do I do? Cheer for the Twins even though it means that Detroit's playoff hopes diminish with a loss? Or do a cheer for the Tigers because let's be honest, the season is pretty much shot? Which wins out, my love for the Twins or my hate of the Yankees?

Well, the love of the Twins won out in this situation, because it's the Twins. Of course, this didn't work out so well in that the Twins blew a rare lead during this series and then the BoSox blew the lead as well and totally lost it in the last part of the game. Basically, it was a really bad night for me and baseball. But, the Twins will always be my time, no matter where I end up living in the long run. Maybe, I'll just move to a NL city and then I can cheer for two teams...

2007-09-11T21:53:00.000-04:00

Is it weird that I'm praying now while I'm writing prayers for Chapel tomorrow?

I'm still not quite sure how this happened but somehow I'm assisting worship tomorrow for Chapel. And it's Wednesday, the big day, the one that draws the largest crowd. Now you think, why the heck is she nervous? After all, she spent an entire year leading worship in Charlotte; praying, preaching, confessing, etc. in front of a large congregation. Truth is, I'm not quite sure why I'm nervous. Probably because I've only done this once before and it's been over a year and half. Probably because I know that Chapel full of seminary students, faculty, and staff can be at both times one of the most encouraging and toughest crowds I will ever face. Probably because everything I learned in worship the other year about "proper prayer posture" has all been forgotten by now.

But then again I remember my first official day at Christ Lutheran as the intern. I was even more unfamiliar with the worship format that I am with Luther's (since I pretty much have attended Chapel every Wednesday of my tenure here). And I still was able to get up there and sing and pray and do what was asked of me that day by my supervisor and I did it well.

I think I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. I think assisting tomorrow in Chapel will be a wonderful experience. There's nothing quite like serving your friends communion by name. There's nothing like being a part of a worship service full of passionate, dedicated people.
Plus, I get to wear one of those rockstar mics. :)

Last and First

2007-09-10T19:22:00.000-04:00

Today was my last first day of school for what I hope is a long time. Weird! Yes, I'm officially back. Seminary classes started today. It seems hard to believe. It was three years ago that I was a wide-eyed first year seminary who had no idea what she was getting herself into. Now I'm a seasoned and somewhat jaded veteran who still admits to having a lot to learn.

My friend Meta wrote a post on Senioritis on the official Luther Seminary blog. I can't help but admire her and many of my closest friend's excitement and readiness to be back for another year of seminary. However, I don't quite share 100% with all their sentiments and it's bugging me. Why can't I be as excited as everyone else for another year of school? It's odd. I'm usually the one who is the most upbeat about stuff like this but I can't quite muster up the energy.

Most of it is because I miss Charlotte and Christ Lutheran. It's hard to be back writing papers and back in classroom. Though I do well in school, I long for the practical, I long to get outside of the classroom and out in the church in the greater world. I miss my friends and those who taught me so much over this year. I long to be surrounded by a congregation and not by thousands of books in a library. It's been a hard transition, probably harder than I've let on.

Then I was treated to a wonderful talk at Chapel today by our Seminary President. He talked about the passage in Luke where the disciples ask Jesus to teach them how to pray and how God will give us what we ask for. He then went on to explain that before the disciples asked this question they had been out in the field, that they had been out there driving out demons and preaching to others and now, here they were, asking Jesus how to pray. That even after they had been out in the field, they had come back and still had room for growth.

It was exactly what I needed to hear. I realized that, yeah, I can do ministry but this year is so much more than about me. I'm here not only to grow academically but to grow spiritually as well. It is here that I am surrounded by a wonderful community of friends, colleagues, and professors that I know care about me and how this year goes. They care not only how I grow in knowledge but also in faith. And it is here that I find a support system like no other; all of us who are going through the exact same process, who are taking the same classes, who are often asking the same big questions about God, life, and everything in between. This year I have a wonderful opportunity to grow as a person in this community and I certainly hope not to waste it.

I told a friend after I figured out what this year was going to hold for me that I could now approach this year with purpose that I might not find otherwise. I knew that I was truly called to Luther Seminary for my senior year. I find myself needing to remind myself over and over again, on my first day of my last year of school. This isn't an end but a beginning of what I hope and pray is a great year; a year full of grace, love, purpose, courage, and faith.

All Bets Are Off

2007-09-06T20:29:00.000-04:00

The other day I met with my CPE group for the first time. I will be processing my experiences as a chaplain with the group of people throughout the upcoming semester. This means I will have to get very up close and personal with this group. It's actually a really good group of people so I'm actually curious to see how this is all going to turn out.

In our first group meeting we were asked for one word or phrase that described our life at the current time. I went with the first phrase that popped into my head. It was "all bets are off." Now, I've been journaling for ages. I still have the really embarrassing journals from when I was a kid. I wrote this phrase in one my journal entries right before I started seminary. Somehow, it's seemed to fit every school year that I've started at seminary.

As I get ready for the start of my senior year I came across this again and it seemed to fit. God has had a way of surprising me ever since I started. Who would have thought that I would have lived off campus all three years at Luther? Who would have thought I'd get a scholarship to go to seminary? Who would have thought that I end up in Charlotte, NC for my internship? And who knows where this all may be leading. I had never thought about doing my chaplaincy at Fairview Ridges hospital. And as I look further into my future to the approval interviews and assignment where I'm told what region in the country I journey to after my final year at seminary I can't help but think that everything is going to work itself out in an unexpected way. My life so far at seminary has turned out that way. Why should my first call be any different?

And there is something comforting about looking at life in this fashion; in approaching life as if all bets are off. In admitting this, I'm giving up control. Sure, I get to put down preferences and I'm the one answering the questions in the interview but at the same time, I'm attempting to leave it up to God. Because it's certainly not me that has made all these random pieces fall together in a perfect pattern. I ran from my call to be a pastor for years. The scholarship was an act of grace that I would have never guessed could happen. In entering seminary exactly when I did I inadvertantly ensured myself a place at Christ Lutheran in Charlotte, a place I wouldn't have been able to intern at unless I would have been on the exact track I am on now. Heck, Christ Lutheran was not even my top choice. All bets are off, but yet, I'm still betting on God. All bets are off because God works in unexpected and surprising ways, ways that we may not necessarily choose for ourselves.

I am excited to see what this year brings and a bit scared as well. But I trust that even though things may not turn out the way I want or are expecting, it will somehow all work itself out. God has been faithful thus far in my life and I'm willing to bet my life that he will continue to be faithful in the midst of one of what I'm sure will prove to be one of the most stressful and defining years of my life.

Back In the Game

2007-09-03T17:56:00.001-04:00

After nearly three long weeks I finally have internet back in my place... Well, kind of. My wireless router isn't quite doing what I want it to so until my roommate gets back with her own router and gives it a try, I simply have to do this wired.

These past few weeks have ushered in my life back here at Luther Seminary and MN. There are definitely positives to this such as seeing friends and family again, rollerblading around Lake Calhoun and Harriet, and watching my beloved Twins again at home. However, being home has already brought me straight back into the world of academia and let me say, I wasn't quite ready for this. I think coming home and writing that 20 page approval essay wasn't the best way to start it. I guess it's just a good thing that I know it's only a year.

I also started CPE this week, my clinical pastoral education or my time as a hospital chaplain. Unfortunately, I have to pay to work 25 hours a week which includes making sure I leave my apartment at 7:15 every morning so I can make it to the hospital on time. I think I'm going to be tired by the end of the semester. But, this may actually turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Let's be honest, even though I'm a good student and I love learning, there's nothing like being out there, doing ministry on the front lines in a church. Sure, I love seminary and it's great to be back around a city and people I love but I yearn to be back in a church, somewhere, on a long term basis. I want to be out there, working with the people. And CPE gives me a chance to do this. Sure, it's in a different way than I would prefer but at least it's something and it gives me a great opportunity to learn.

But, I am not completely cynical about what this year will bring. I'm excited to meet new people and hear their stories. I'm excited to take some classes with my favorite profs that will hopefully engage me and force me to speak up and step outside my comfort zone. I'm excited to talk about internship and compare stories and notes. We all have something we can learn from each other, right?

As much as I want to be somewhere else, I'm here and I have to make the best of it. I think my Charlotte withdrawal will fade with time and I know that this place is a place that I will always call home, no matter how far away I'm called after this year. Here's to a great senior year!

Approval

2007-08-22T12:42:00.001-04:00

We all are looking for approval. Let's face it, no matter how humble or modest we try to be, getting that "good job," A on a paper or test, or that extra pat on the back always feels nice. It let's us know that we are doing something right in our life.

Right now I am in the process of writing the "approval essay" for my ordination process for the Lutheran Church. It's a 20 paper that includes writing a sermon, exegesis (meaning a paper on the text talking about the Greek and historical context, etc. I think, I'm still not quite sure what the word means), and talking about the historical aspects of the topic. The topics for this year: the Trinity.

Let me say, this has been a painful process so far. It's been awhile since I've written a paper like this. I've been used to keeping it simple whether I've been writing on this blog or typing up a sermon. My sermons are usually free from theological jargon and words that show that I've learned something in seminary, yet, mean nothing to the people in the congregation. All of a sudden, I've found myself thrust back into the world of academia. I have to prove that I've learned something, that I know how to write a sermon and exegete a passage (even though I'm not quite sure what I'm doing is right, much less good). And of course, everything hinges on this paper.

It's called the approval essay for a good reason. This is perhaps the most important paper I will ever write. If I get approved, that A, that extra pat on the back and the "good job," it means I'll be ordained as a Lutheran pastor at the end of the year. If I don't get approved, that means I'll have to wait and probably write another one of these torturous papers.

And yet, this past year I've learned there is more to life as a pastor than papers and being able to discuss what the Greek term for "bear, carry" really means. Ministry does involve the head yes, but it also involves the heart and I guess the biggest problem that I see with the approval essay is that there's little room for that part of ministry in the 20 page essay.

But enough of my complaining, it's all a means to an end. Though it's tough being back in academia, there are also joys about writing the paper. It helps this upstanding lifelong student realize that she doesn't need school anymore. It gives my returning friends a common topic to discuss and complain about. It shows me that I've grown from a follower who always kept her head down and followed instructions to someone a bit wiser who is no longer afraid to question authority. And who knows, I might end up with a great sermon series that I can use in the church when this is all done: "Three In What? Making Sense of the Trinity." If I leave the approval essay with just that and my approval, I'd say that's not too shabby.

Joy and Tears

2007-08-14T20:19:00.000-04:00

12 hours, 7 states (North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Indiana and Illinois), half of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on CD, 2 vanilla cokes, and a Dr. Pepper later I find myself in Danville, Illinois staying at a pretty decent hotel for the night. It's hard to believe that at 7:30 in the morning I threw the rest of the bags in my little Subaru and left the place that I have called home for the past year. I'm not quite sure where the time went.

I knew that leaving Charlotte was going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done and I was right. But I also experienced more than tears and sadness my last weekend in Charlotte; I experienced immense joy. This just wasn't about me leaving, it was about celebrating what God had done through everyone to make this a very successful and fulfilling internship.

Sunday really showed me in a huge way how much bigger God is than me and my actions. The more I talked to people, the more I heard their reflections on my internship and when they talked about the impact I had on the church I realized that I couldn't take credit for it. What was going on this year was so much bigger than me. God is huge and he is big enough to take this imperfect pastor wannabe and use her to sustain a high school youth program, build a young adult group, and learn and grow and both impact and be impacted by the people around her.

Of course, I spent most of my last Sunday running around like crazy. I had the services, a reception, and then I planned the youth worship service for the night and we were trying something new, something inspired by my summers as a camp counselor. And it was a lot to pull off in a little time. But, somewhere in the chaos, it all came together. And what surprised me was that in saying goodbye to the high school and middle school youth there were not any tears shed. Instead, it was a different feeling than the tears of sadness in the morning that had both marked the sadness of saying goodbye and celebrating the relationships built. It was a feeling of the complete joy I've had working with these youth for the last six months of my internship. These youth have brought so much joy into my lives I couldn't even think about crying when I was hugging them and celebrating a year and summer well spent together. It seemed the perfect way to end my time with them.

As I head on my way home to my final year of seminary, I go bolstered in my sense of call. This year I found out that I could really do this, that I could be a youth pastor at a large, growing, missional congregation. Heck, that's essentially what I did for the last half of my internship. The gift I received from the staff was the a framed Bible verse written in beautiful calligraphy: Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" As I leave this place I go knowing that I have a call into the greater world. And I can only hope and pray that I'll find my way back there one of these days (I think I'll be taking a break during spring to visit next year). And until them, I will carry the joy and love that this congregation has given me in my heart for the rest of my days.

And because blogs are more fun with pictures...

The praise band I helped lead for Summer Praise.

The young adults group.

The high school youth group.

Better Is One Day

2007-08-05T21:31:00.000-04:00

I have recently become hooked on a "new" song. Truth be told, it's kinda old, as in I remember first learning it in high school (which means it was at least 8 years ago, that's depressing). It's the Kutless version of "Better Is One Day." As of lately, I've been leading the high school praise band for our Sunday night fellowship/worship time called Summer Praise. I've absolutely loved doing it because well, music is one of my things. I work with a great group of people to put the songs together every week. However, they definitely have the taste for more of a rock style music which is a bit different than the camp, acoustic worship songs. So I've been trying to expand my horizons. I came across Kutless quite randomly. In fact, I think I've had their stuff on my computer for most of the year but didn't start listening to it till this summer. And I've fallen in love with their praise and worship album Strong Tower which is rock at heart.

My favorite cut off it it happens to be the song "Better Is One Day." The other people in the band hadn't heard the song before so we spent a lot of time this week running it, especially since we were playing with it, trying to get down parts and the beat, mixing things up, and what not. We were trying to do it in a very similar fashion to the album version and slowly but surely it came together. It's a powerful song when you're just doing it with a guitar and we definitely crank it up to another level with the band.

Tonight we got the chance to crank it out for worship and it was great. One of the curses of being a worship leader and being, well, me and being hyper sensitive to everything that's going on around me and also making sure everyone in the band is on the same page, that I'm singing the right words, that I'm playing the right words, and so on and so forth, well, it's hard to get lost in the music and worship like I'm used to during worship. This is the curse of being a worship leader whether I'm in front of a group of high school and middle school youth or in front of the congregation on any given Sunday. It's always a struggle to worship and to lead at the same time. Living in that tension often seems to leave me unsatisfied with both aspects of my worship life.

And yet, tonight, I totally felt it. Tonight, I lost myself in the words and the meaning behind the song. I'm not sure what was different. But, that's the thing about music, it can move you at unexpected times. And in this moment, this song spoke to me.

I expect has something to do with the fact that I now only have one week left at my internship site. I now find that time is precious. That every hour of every day needs to be spent wisely. And I also realize how precious my time has been here. It's not necessarily precious because of what I've done here or because of what other people have done for me. Instead, it's because at this place I have truly felt God. I have realized that these days have been special because of what God has done. They are special because I have truly felt Gods' presence, that I have been in his house and his courts while I've been here. I have stood on holy ground here whether it's been on the altar in the sanctuary, behind the pulpit in the gym aka Spirit Hall, on the beaches at St. John's Island for Habitat, the streets of New York City with the Experience Tour, the slopes of WV skiing with the youth, or the tile floor of the fellowship hall where we hold Summer Praise each week. God has been present in every place and I have felt like I've been standing in his courts and his house and that has been what has made each day so valuable. It is in these places and on these days that I've experience the Gospel, the love and grace of God in a very real and tangible way.

This song also reminds me of the very real need of God. For it is in God's presence that I am truly satisfied. It is there that I find grace, love, and hope. It is there that I can throw off all the sin that I carry around, all the burdens of worrying about what promises to be one of the toughest transitions of my life. It is in God's presence that I find myself in the shadow of the cross and am reminded of how much I have been given in spite of the fact that I deserve none of it. It's humbling and it gives me peace and comfort.

The funny thing is that this past year that I have found God's presence most often in the company of others. This experience has been something to be shared and has been magnified in the company of others. Though I have had my moments in solitude, the joy seems to be multiplied when I have been with others. And that reminds me of the importance of sharing this with others, of sharing these experiences with others.

And all of this is not to say that God isn't present at all times because he certainly is. In Psalm 121 it says that he who watches over us neither slumbers nor sleeps and I very much believe it. However, I believe there are those moments where we are made aware of God's presence is felt more than others maybe because we're more open to it, we're more in need, or he simply chooses to reveal himself to us in an unexpected way. I don't pretend to understand it all, I simply trust that God is present and that sometimes I get a glimpse of what it will be like to be in his courts and his house for eternity.

Better is one day in your courts
Better is one day in your house
Better is one day in your courts
Than thousands elsewhere.

Close to Home

2007-08-02T10:19:00.000-04:00

I can't see something like this and not be deeply affected. This is my hometown. I will be moving back there in two short weeks. I might have even driven over that bridge to get home. It seems like these tragedies that grab the news are all getting closer to home for me. There was Virginia Tech this past year which is close enough to Charlotte that I could feel the very immediate effect. There was the steam pipe explosion in NYC this past July. I happened to be 5 blocks away from that very explosion and was walking around in the midst of the chaos and worries that their worse fear had come true again. And now there is the bridge collapsing. I might have been on that bridge on the way to the Twins game if I had been in the Twin Cities. No lie! Wednesdays are half price upper general admission night which I don't pass up often.

It's all very surreal. In all honesty I had to look up the bridge on the map because I had driven over it so many times that I didn't even really think about the fact I was driving over a bridge. And you know, that's how it's supposed to be. We aren't supposed to expect the worst when we do everyday stuff like go to class, walk around the city, drive home from work, etc. And that's perhaps what's the most frightening thing about all of this. Stuff like this rips away our security. It makes us question everything. Makes the ordinary and mundane something scary. We start questioning everything. And what's more, you can't avoid it. You can't not go to class unless you want to fail it. You need to be able to wander outside of the safety of your house freely. When I get back to MN, I will need to drive over multiple bridges in order to get anywhere.

Right now I'm simply grateful my family is okay. Friends are checking in and I am grateful for all the prayers on concerns of people out there. I know I'm not the only affected by this so for those of you with ties to the Twin Cities, my prayers are with you as well. And I guess I just keep on living life after all of this being painfully aware that stuff like this can happen and it can happen close to home but also that I can't live my life in fear. That I can't stop driving over bridges because of this one incident. Life is not meant to be lived in fear.

I Hate Evaluations!

2007-08-01T16:08:00.001-04:00

I'm currently working on my year end evaluation for my internship. Let me say that I hate these things. They ask questions like: "How would you describe your general temperament/disposition as has been experienced in the congregation (e.g. angry, nervous, confident, casual, careless, serious, joyful, flexible, controlling, adaptive, etc.)?" WTF? I have no idea what that means and my supervisor (who is a very smart man) has no idea either. Grr...

I think the hardest thing for me about this is trying to put an entire year's worth of experience, growth, and learning in this very generic format. Rate yourself as a preacher as not yet competent, competent, or exceptional. Yes, I only get those three categories. Everything that I have encountered and experienced during this year goes much deeper than anything that can ever be put on this form and these three categorizations. How much does it really matter whether or not I'm competent or exceptional at leading worship? Granted, thankfully I don't fall into the not yet competent category for any of these but still.

I think the reason I'm having problems with this is it just seems like this form is so generic. I guess it has to be because all of our experiences as interns are so different. I have friends in parishes all around the country and each place is a completely different context. And yet I feel like nothing that I can write on this form will truly speak to my experience here this past year. How nothing I can write will ever be able to describe the sureness I have about my call to be a youth pastor. How there's no room on the form to qualify those moments like when I was on the Experience tour and we sang at the African-American non-denominational church and I felt the Holy Spirit in a huge way. How there is place for me to say that this church is where I made sense.

Of course, this could just be me complaining but let me say, I will be happy when I'm finally done hoop jumping and have officially been ordained (granted then I'm sure there's a whole new set of hoops but at least I'm getting paid to do what I love). Now back to the form that's already 8 pages and I'm only 2/3 of the done...

Defining Moments

2007-07-30T10:30:00.000-04:00

This was the title for my sermon yesterday, my final sermon of the year. I would actually label preaching yesterday as a defining moment of my internship. Here it is, my favorite sermon from the year...

I’ve always had this random fascination with t-shirts with clever sayings on them. And believe it or not, the Christian contingent has put out their fair share of humorous t-shirts. There are shirts that declare, “Organ Music Rocks” and identify the wearer as a “Lutheran Stud” or “Lutheran Chick.” My favorite t-shirts are ones that either proclaim “Luther is my homeboy” or “My pastor can beat your pastor to a pulpit.”

Now many of these t-shirts have more profound sayings on them that make you do more than just chuckle. I saw one such shirt when I was at King’s Fest, a Christian music festival at King’s Dominion Amusement Park this past month. An adult a couple rows in front of me was wearing a shirt that said, “Live your life so the pastor doesn’t have to lie at your funeral.” I laughed a little when I first saw it but then it got me thinking. And as I sat down to start brainstorming about my final sermon the shirt came back to me again. Though this is not a funeral, it is ushering in an end. And at the root of the statement written on that t-shirt is the question: in the end, how do you want to be remembered? My internship is over in a very short two weeks and then I head back to MN to finish up one more year of seminary. And I find myself asking very similar questions. What will y’all say about me as I close my internship here? What will I remember the most about internship? What have I learned during my tenure here? The answers to these questions and more can be found in the defining moments of my internship: those moments, expected or unexpected, that showed me faith, grace, and hope.

We have all experienced moments of faith. They are the periods where we are peering over the edge of cliff into the unknown. Moments where we know the only way is to jump into the depths and pray for the best. They require a leap of faith. These moments always involve a bit of risk and a lot of trust in God.

For me, the first moment of faith was my first public appearance as the intern. The pastors meet at 7:30 on Sundays to go over the service order and who’s doing what. It was Sunday, August 13 and it was my first meeting. In fact, it was my very first Sunday. I came in assuming that I would simply get to sit and be introduced as the new intern and that would be it. But, of course, Scott had other plans. I was going to do the Prayer of the Day and the Apostle’s creed. Now, I’ve always said throwing me off the deep end was the best way for me to learn but I didn’t expect to jump on my very first day! I apparently was going to have to take the plunge earlier than expected. The 8:45 service was my first test, the first thing I was going to be judged on by the staff, my internship committee, and the congregation. I took a deep breath and dove in. In that moment I let the words of the prayer of the day carry me and my voice. My role has brought me to utter many other words and phrases in front of the congregation beyond “let us pray.” However, it was with these three tiny words that I started my time at Christ Lutheran. It is with these words that I found my voice, the voice I would use to preach on predestination, teach about Christ figures in movies, join with a choir of 60 high schoolers on the Experience tour, pray with people in the hospital, chant on Sunday mornings, sing I Don’t Know How to Love Him for Faith on Broadway, lead worship for Summer Praise, and more throughout the year.

The moments of faith that shape us the most are usually the ones that require the biggest risk, the longest jump, the most daring. For me this past year that has been taking the reigns of the high school youth program as interim youth director. I always said before internship started that my dream job was to be the youth pastor at a church not unlike that of Christ Lutheran. However, I hardly thought I would have the chance to do just that this year. I had barely done anything with the high schoolers during the beginning of the year because Scott and I had decided that it would be best that I concentrate on other areas of ministry since I had had the most experience with high school ministry. And all of a sudden I was given the daunting task of maintaining an already vibrant ministry. And even though Scott and I had discussed it at length, I was still shocked when he announced this change to the new Church Council in February. Though it was scary, I knew I had to step up to the plate because this was too important to not give it my all. And this jump led to other leaps of faith. Planning and executing the beach retreat, summer praise, the Experience tour, and King’s Fest were just a few leaps that I made.

And most of these leaps turned out fine. I landed on the other side relatively unscathed and got affirmation in my call to someday be a youth pastor. However, there have been times where the leap has not been so smooth. Times where I have faltered. Times where things did not go according to plan, times when I screwed up because of my arrogance or ignorance to some detail. And yet, it is in these moments that I’ve found grace; moments of grace. They are moments of undeserved love and forgiveness; they are the gift of a second chance. These moments have been many throughout the year and are as simple as letting me get back up in the pulpit after a not so great sermon, not laughing too hard when I forget how the benediction goes, or the fact that no one videotaped the unfortunate time where Pastor Jon, Jeff and I were forced to sing Britney Spear’s “Oops I Did It Again” for karaoke on the high school ski retreat.

Not even a month ago I found myself on the brink of failure. Jeff and I had been planning on taking the middle and high school youth group to King’s Fest, a Christian music festival at King’s Dominion Amusement park, for months. It was a new trip and therefore we were making it up as we went. I felt we were doing fairly well during the planning stages. However, I held off buying tickets to the last minute because we were still waiting on some people to confirm. And you guessed it, one of the days of the show sold out. I had no idea what to do. I had messed up in a big way and I felt like I had let everyone down. It was in the midst of all the chaos that I was met with grace in the form of the willingness of a few of us in the office to come up with a plan B. Though it would cost even more and stretch our budget, they were willing to work with me to make up for my mistake. Though I had messed up in a big way, we were still able to go and I even had several of the youth tell me this their favorite trip. The success of the trip was a moment of grace that reminded me that God can work through imperfect people to turn an impossible jam into the best retreat ever.

Another moment of grace I have experienced at Christ Lutheran was not necessarily triggered by a mistake. It was instead a moment where I received undeserved love and recognition. At the high school ski retreat we gathered in a circle and we each had a candle placed in front of us. There was a candle in the center which represented Christ and each of us was to light a taper off of the Christ candle and go and light another person’s candle in the circle and say a little prayer for them. It was understood that the youth were to light each others candles and the chaperons were to light the other chaperons’ candles. I took my place in the circle and waited and watched. I was surprised when one of the youth came, lit the taper off of the Christ candle, and passed the flame to my candle and said a prayer thanks over me. It was a touching moment for me because I did not know this youth particularly well and felt like I hardly deserved this small act of kindness. I don’t know if he even remembers doing this. But I certainly do. For me, it was a moment of grace, of undeserved love and friendship. And during my time here I have experienced many more of these as I got more deeply entrenched in the ministry here.

As I continued my work with the high school youth, I experienced something else, a new type of moment. I call them moments of hope. They are moments when I get a glimpse of what could be, a glimpse of where everything could lead. I know what people are saying about the youth of this nation. How they are becoming more self-involved, how they are busier and more disconnected than ever, how they are falling away from the church and that because of this the church is on its way to dying out. This is not only those who are in high school and college, these are people my age too. This is my generation. And yet, that’s not what I’ve seen this past year.

One of my tasks this year was to start a young adults group. What I was doing was going to be fighting the current. People my age are the ones that usually fall away from the church and don’t come back. They are the ones that have the hardest time with church and religion. And yet, I found that the situation was not hopeless. I found in my friends the same longing I felt. The longing to be connected to others and the longing to be connected to God. As we talked about our work, asked deep questions about the Bible, got to know each other, and used play-doh to talk about Genesis 1, I saw a spark in this young adults group. There were some extraordinary people in this group, people who wanted to deepen their faith, who wanted a relationship with God, and who wanted to get others involved too. Perhaps I felt the most proud not when we were together in Barnes and Noble drinking coffee and talking about our faith, but instead when a new young adult was visiting and I knew I could count on at least three people from our group to welcome them, introduce themselves, and immediately invite them to the group. It was in seeing this that I knew how important this group, rooted in faith, was and is to them.

I am only here for a short period of time and therefore cannot see everything through. Therefore, I have hopes tied to things I have started here but won’t see finished, the young adults group for example. And in this type of hope, I see potential, potential for it to become something more than what I have helped start. A great example of this is Summer Praise. As I talked through the program with the family ministry team and we started imagining what could be, things snowballed. Suddenly, we saw this, a time for the youth to gather for fellowship, worship, and discipleship, as something that could carry the youth group beyond my internship and into the new building. We were talking large scale and long term. The first week of Summer Praise approached faster than expected. We had adult volunteers to organize, food to order, songs to prepare, dodgeballs to find. I don’t really know whether we were truly ready or not but it came and we did it anyway. And something happened that night, in the midst of worship, pizza, dodgeball, and talking with the youth. I got a glimpse of what could be. I realized that I was a part of something much larger than myself. I would not be here to see where this would all lead. But I knew this was the start of something; I got a glimpse of the bigger picture, the one that involved Pastor Jon, Neil, Jeff, the family ministry team, the new building, and beyond. And the high hopes we had for this ministry didn’t seem to be in vain.

I’m sure I’m not the only one thinking of defining moments right now. I’m sure you’ve come up with some of you own defining moments. And this is something we always do. As we work through life transitions, we are forced to redefine ourselves. I’ll wager a guess and say that many if not all of you are also in a time of transition. Some of you are starting a new year at school or a new school. Some of you are watching your kids grow up and leave home. Some of you are redefining yourselves in new jobs and new relationships. We are all starting new chapters in our lives and as we do so, we reach back into our past to see what defines us.

The moments I mentioned are some of the ones I want to remember and the moments I want to be remembered for when I leave. However, I feel I’m missing something here. All of these moments are important and I hope they have given you a picture of what internship has been for me. However, the moment that defines me the most, is something that took place long before my internship began. You see, the t-shirt got it wrong. “Live your life so the pastor doesn’t have to lie at the funeral?” This statement completely misses the point. As I look back on my life, on my internship, it is not about what I have done on internship and how I have shown faith, grace, and hope or even how you, the congregation has given me moments of faith, grace, and hope. Instead it’s first and foremost about what God has done, what God has done through Jesus on the cross.

As we look at great moments that define us, as Christians the event of the cross stands at the center. And on the hill of Calvary, Jesus wasn’t the only one sentenced to die that fateful day. There were two other thieves on crosses of their own, one on Jesus’ left, the other on his right. One hurled insults at Jesus. The other defended him and asked the other criminal “Do you not fear God? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.” He then said to Jesus, “Remember me in your kingdom.” And Jesus answered him, “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.” This man on the cross next to Jesus had not lived a life defined by moments of faith, grace, and hope. He had most likely lived the life of a criminal filled with shame, guilt, and sin. But that didn’t matter in the end, instead what mattered was the promise Jesus offered him. This man found forgiveness in the midst of being punished for a heinous crime. Jesus offered him life with his own death and the promise of paradise and everlasting life.

Our lives as Christians are defined by moments of faith, grace, and hope and greatest of these moments can be found on the cross. This act is what truly defines us and our lives. It makes no difference whether we are an intern pastor trying to find our way, a high school youth who’s asking some big questions about a life, a new believer who is still trying to figure out the ropes, a long time believer who’s having some big doubts, a person who’s trying to hide from a shady past, or a criminal hung on a cross next to a man who others call the Christ in mockery. This moment, this act on the cross, this work of faith, grace, and hope rooted in the love of God unites us all as believers in the forgiveness of our sins and the promise of paradise.

Even though I have worked hard this past year on internship to live my life the best I can; though I’ve tried to live a life filled with faith, grace, and hope, I still have fallen short. I still am like this criminal, begging for mercy. And God’s promise stands true. Every moment I live is filled with faith, grace, and hope because of what God has done. All of the defining moments of my internship are rooted in this promise, in this moment, in this act that has brought true faith, grace, and hope into my life. It is what has allowed you and me to display and experience faith, grace and hope on my internship.

As you go out into the world, do not live you lives so the pastor doesn’t have to lie at your funeral, do not live your lives trusting in your own actions. Instead, live your life trusting that at your funeral it makes no difference what the pastor says about your life, what matters is what Jesus did on the cross for you and for all of us as believers.

As I leave my internship, I go reminded of God’s faithfulness at times when I have taken the plunge and risked it all. I go reminded of God’s grace through the grace both you and God have shown me through giving me second chances and undeserved love. I go reminded of the hope we have through God through his promises and your dedication to each other and to God in this world. You have truly made Christ known to me through all you have done this past year. Thank you and God bless.

The Beginning of the End

2007-07-23T15:48:00.001-04:00

I only have three weeks left on internship. In three weeks I will be saying tearful goodbyes to the staff, packing up as much as I can into my little Subaru, and driving cross country once again. It all snuck up on me. I've been so busy this past month with King's Fest (we took a group to a Christian music festival at King's Dominion Amusement Park) and then vacation at NYC which promised to be both relaxing and draining for various reasons. All of this activity has been the cause for the lack of blogging lately so sorry to those who so faithfully read.

But now I find myself back and trying to process the fact that I only have 21 short days left. I'm in the middle of trying to write my final sermon and for whatever reason, I don't know what to say. Maybe part of me doesn't want to write it because it seems so final. I wonder if this is how JK Rowling felt as she penned the last sentence in Harry Potter (which I just finished but I promise I'm not saying a thing!). Ends always bring mourning and reflection.

I don't know if I would have done much differently. The things that I failed at (a couple of sermons that weren't up to par, budget issues with King's Fest, scheduling snafus) gave me a wonderful opportunity to learn. The things I've been able to shine with (the new youth worship service/fellowship time, the young adults group, various other sermons) have given me vindication in my call to ministry. All in all this experience has taught me that I am indeed pursuing the right career for my life.

There are a lot of us going through transitions out there whether we are making a big move, planning on starting classes, starting or ending a relationship, taking on a new job, or taking a chance at life. In the end I remember that we have a God who promises to watch over us throughout this journey. Today, as we were picking out lessons for my final sermon someone suggested Psalm 121, one of my favorites:

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Here I am reminded that God's love and grace will follow me all of my days, no matter where my journey leads me. As I head home, I remember that no matter where I am and how I have grown and changed, that God's love for me has not changed whether I'm looking up at the lakes of MN, the wooded streets of Charlotte, the mountains of Colorado, the olive trees of Israel, or the vineyards of Italy.

Vacation!

2007-07-16T22:06:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the hiatus in posting (although this might be the normal amount of time inbetween posts, I'm not sure). Anyway, right now I'm taking a long overdue vacation by visiting some friends in NYC! It's been a wonderful time so far and I will have details when I get back. :)

Failure Is (Not) An Option

2007-07-09T18:01:00.000-04:00

I don't fail often. It's just one of those things the over-achiever in me doesn't like to do. Yet, as I got geared up for my internship year, it was made very clear to us that we would probably fail and this was not a bad thing. Instead, we were told to fail because internship was the time to do so since we would only be with the congregations for a year and they would be the most forgiving. This didn't put my mind to ease though. Fail? What? Me? Inconceivable!

Last week however, I found myself on the brink of failure. The middle school youth director and I (the high school youth director) were planning a trip to King's Fest, a Christian musical festival at King's Dominion Amusement Park in Richmond, VA. It was our first time taking a group there and we were learning the ropes as we went. I took on a lot of the administrative stuff which was a lot trickier than I expected. We were waiting for people to lock in to go from the Middle School (one of my pet peeves, just commit already people!) and then Jeff and I were both out of time which made it nearly impossible to get all the information possible. There weren't as many kids as we hoped coming. We were way over budget. The concert was also for three days and one of the days had sold out, complicating the matter even further.

I was at a loss. I felt awful! The worse feeling in the world for me is letting someone else down and I felt like I had done just that. We were way over budget which doesn't help the church. We weren't going to see Casting Crowns or Kutless who I knew people wanted to see. And I had no idea what to do.

This moment revealed to me some of my greatest on-the-job weaknesses: my willingness to do everything whereas I should have been passing on some of the tasks to other people, not putting my foot down on numbers months ago when all the money was due, not taking a stand on some places where we could have cut costs, living by the "I'll do as much as humanly possible for the trip just because I can" mentality, and my all out stubbornness. I was between a rock and a hard place and spent about 5 hours on the phone last Monday trying to clean up the mess I had made. I spent the rest of the time apologizing to my supervisor about everything and taking the blame.

And found what I hope anyone would find at a church, whether they are a long time member or staff member or a first time visitor in the pew; I found grace. Even though we were already over budget, we were going to go anyway and spend more money to get to the tickets for the two separate days and figure out some way to earn back the funds. And you know, the trip was a huge success. Even though it was a smaller group than we had hoped the youth made up for it in a big way. We had a blast in the park and I had a great time bonding with the youth while we waited in line for the rides and walked around the park together. It was also a great experience on a faith level. The music was incredible and it wasn't just about a band getting up and performing, it was about worship. Between Newsboys, David Crowder, Thousand Foot Krutch, Todd Agnew, and Jeremy Camp we all got a great taste of the best Christian music has to offer. Singing "Amazing Grace" with 10,000 other people was simple breathtaking.

This past week I was reminded that failing is okay, that it's a part of life. I was reminded that I need to realize that I fail, that I fall short because through this I can be reminded of what grace really means. I found grace at my congregation and on the staff in letting us go anyway. I found grace in how the youth loved the trip despite the scheduling snafu that meant we couldn't see one night of shows. I found grace in how despite poor planning God showed up in a big way in so many places that week whether it was through a conversation, singing "Take My Life" by Jeremy Camp and head banging with the other high school youth, or praying with a crowd of 10,000 people.

If I never failed, I would never know the true meaning of grace. I would never know the love of a God. Grace is not based upon the fact that I don't fail, it is instead based on the fact that I do constantly fail and fall short of God's standards. However, by realizing that I fail and fall short, I can understand what grace, this undeserving love of a savior really means.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast."

Making Sense

2007-07-02T22:00:00.000-04:00

I only have a month and a half left of internship. It seems hard to believe. I've started making plans for when I return to seminary for at least one more semester and it's hard. It's like I'm living in two different worlds. I know some people have already started checking out of their internship but I still find myself in the thick of things. I've been sharing the bulk of responsibility for getting a new worship service/small group time for the high school and middle school youth off the ground. I have one more sermon to preach. I have a trip to go on with the high schoolers. I have plenty of Sundays to get me up and keep me busy. Checking out is not an option for me. And yet I don't have a choice in a way. I need a place to live. I need to nail down my chaplaincy position. I need to find a place to work.

Now, I've spend a majority of my life in school. And I do well in school. I know how to study and I'm a hard worker and have logged more time in the library than I'd like to admit. But it's hard thinking of going back after this past year. Part of it is because I've found a near perfect fit at my internship congregation. It's not because this is my ideal geographical location (really, it's just a bit too warm down here for me) or my ideal context (suburban) or my ideal church size (large and growing). I'm sure all these factors play into all of this being a great fit but it goes much deeper than this. I've found a place on my internship where I make sense. All of a sudden all of my qualities, all of my gifts, all of my talents are put to their best use.

Take Summer Praise for example. My main role is leading the worship part of it with a group of high schoolers that play the more contemporary music. One of my passions is contemporary worship and music. Plus, I spent one year at seminary being a part of a group that did a student led worship service every week. Not to mention countless summers at camp as a guitarist. And when I'm not playing I get to hang out with high schoolers, build relationships, and gradually go deeper with them and field the occasional theology question.

That's only a small example. Between coming in and thinking a young adults ministry would be a great internship project and finding the immense need for it and finding great success with that aspect to preaching on the perfect topic for where I was and still am "What Is God's Will For My Life?" I've found myself able to use past experiences that have brought pain to speak to those who have gone through similar ordeals here in a very personal way (my pastoral care prof would be proud of me).

And I find myself wondering whether I'm going to be able to find another place that will fit me nearly as well as here. I guess I can only hope and pray that I do. But one thing is for sure, I have fallen head over heals in love with this church and this community. And thankfully the congregation is all about keeping an open door for me in the future whether as a visitor on the groundbreaking for the new sanctuary after the capital campaign that I helped get off the ground is over, an extra chaperon on the Habitat trip back to John's Island, or maybe in a more official way down the line. Either way, I trust that the right door will open at the right time or the door will close if it needs to be closed.

The Experience of a Lifetime

2007-06-25T21:26:00.000-04:00

I got back on Saturday from my week with our high school youth choir strangely energized. I had gotten very little sleep the entire week due to my determination to have video to work with for our homecoming concert on Sunday. Plus, I rarely will fall asleep on buses. It's just one of those weird things. But, I had all the energy I needed to work feverishly on the video and got a 4 minute clip ready for Sunday (and for those of you who don't know, I'm a bit of a perfectionist so it took a long time to get it just right).

I attribute all of this to a group of amazing high schoolers who showed me time and time again the love of Christ on this trip. This was the trip that left us wondering whether or not we could pull it off. Granted, we have a lot of faith but at the same time you can't help but wonder especially when you're planning on taking this group of 58 kids + 8 adults to New York City. But it went well, drama was a minimum, and God is good!

The high of the week for everyone was at the Interdenominational Church of God in Gaithersburg, MD. It was a black church near DC that had hosted us in the past. And the Holy Spirit was alive and well in that congregation as we found out right away when we started. I was a part of the choir for the week so I got to experience this all firsthand. Someone would say a profound line like God would say, "Let me handle the truth" and you'd hear "Amen's" and "Hallelujahs" called out from the audience.

Now mind you, even though Christ Lutheran is a pretty contemporary church and we can get people clapping with a little effort, I'm guessing most of us have never experienced anything like this before. But it gave us that little extra and all of a sudden we were all feeling it. We knew that they got it, that they were feeling God through what we were doing, and all of a sudden we were feeling it more too because of them and their reactions. It brought everything to a whole new level. We weren't performing anymore, we were worshipping with this congregation that is so different than our white suburban congregation. We got it, we were all on the same page and suddenly what we were singing took on a whole new meaning. Granted, I'm sure many of believed what we were singing before but now we got to feel it in a whole new way. There's really no good way to explain it but I'm positive that every single one of us felt God that night.

The funny thing is after the show as we were talking and interacting with the congregation they kept on thanking us for being such a blessing and we were turning around and telling them that they were the true blessing for us. I felt like they had given us so much more than we had given them. They had showed us God in a whole new way that night and had also allowed us to see God in ourselves and in what we were doing. And that was perhaps the greatest gift anyone could have given to us, to these high schoolers. They were hopefully able to see that they could make a difference, that what they said and did mattered to these people and what mattered the most was that they were telling the story, they were proclaiming the Gospel. They all have the potential to be Christ to their neighbor. The church had done it for us and had shown us that we could do it as well.

2007-06-25T11:37:00.000-04:00

Be warned:
Facebook + your youth group finding out you have a facebook page = 35 new friend in 2 days!

The Power of Prayer

2007-06-15T15:11:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I leave for a wild adventure. I'm heading to the NE with our high school youth choir for our tour. There are nearly 70 of us all together and it's quite the group. They also have me singing in the choir with them. I feel a bit like a ringer. I'm 25 but could pass for an 18 year old (I've actually gotten carded for R rated movies here, seriously!) and I have a decent musical background behind me including 4 years in one of the best if not the best high school choir program in MN.

Now planning a trip like this takes a lot out of a person. The funny thing is, I'm just in the background. I'm thankfully not the one running this whole show. But throughout this whole process we've had plenty of drama. Two churches have dropped us and we've had to find replacements very last minute. We're not sure if we can find host homes for everyone. Trying to plan an entire day in NYC with 70 people isn't exactly an easy task either.

And there there's the whole thing about the show. We have dress rehearsal tonight and people still don't know the music. There are too many bugs to work out in the program to list. Part of the reason I'm singing in the choir is the alto section can't be heard.

But the other night we were reminded in a big way that God has it all under control. One of the girls who is coming on the tour, a senior with a great voice, wonderful smile, and bubbly personality to boot found out that she wouldn't be able to come on the tour because of immigration issues (she's from the Congo). It was a huge blow that was felt by everyone. There were hugs all around and tears and she left practice after making the announcement. And I have no doubt that there were countless prayers lifted up for everything to work out, including by me. We went on with practice, filled the hole the best we could, and kept our spirits up.

At the end of practice one of the adults got a phone call and made the announcement that things had changed and that this girl could come on the tour!!! There was a collective cheer!!! God had an incredibly fast turnaround! There was a great feeling of joy in the group and when we practiced yesterday and she was back, you could hear something extra in her voice when she sang her solo. She knew and I think we all knew this was an incredible gift.

As we get ready for this tour and start to worry about how this all could possibly come together, we were given an incredible reminder of God's faithfulness last night. How all of this works out on tour in unknown but God is going to be there with us every step of the way. He already worked on miracle and I have no doubt that others will happen as well.

And as I look ahead, to the end of my internship and the beginning of, well, who knows, I know that God will be there. Whether I've only been praying for an hour or for six months, God is up there listening. I don't expect nearly as fast of a turnaround for my future but I do know that it will all work out for the best and I hope I can be as grateful as Rachel was and that this gratitude can shine forth in my life like it did in her voice last night.

Planning Ahead

2007-06-06T09:58:00.001-04:00

One of the perks of being a "pastor" is that people like to send you free stuff. Free books, free samples of Bible studies, free videos. Usually, this all goes to the senior pastor. Thankfully, my supervisor/the senior pastor of my internship congregation is a generous guy. Yesterday I got the chance to see a preview screening of the movie "Evan Almighty." It doesn't come out till the end of June but they were looking to promote it to churches and pastors in the area. I enjoyed it and had some good laughs.

My favorite part of the movie was a scene in which Evan (Steve Carrell) is talking with God (Morgan Freeman). Evan is a newly elected Congressman and is looking to make an impact and "change the world." God wants Evan to build an ark. Of course, Evan is not happy about this and protests telling God, "I have a plan for my life!" In response, God starts laughing hysterically.

I watched this part and couldn't help thinking that Evan was me and that God was still God, laughing hysterically at the "plans" I have for my future. I learned a long time ago to not make long term plans when it came to my life. I thought about becoming a high school biology/environmental science teacher originally and I ended up going to seminary to become a youth pastor. I thought I should do my internship in Las Vegas and I ended up in Charlotte instead. Now here I am, finally thinking I know where next year is going to head at seminary. But it's not that simple. My future does not necessarily depend on my decisions but instead depends on the decisions of those around me. And someone's impending decision is about to throw my plans up in the air once again. Of course, this all could be a fluke and the decision could end up shifting the original way but it's still an open window that was a week ago firmly locked shut.

Despite all the ambiguity of the situation, I am grateful for God's hand in my life. After all, God's plans are usually much grander and well thought out than our own plans for our lives. I think of Peter, Andrew, James and John who probably were content to be career fishermen and instead found themselves as followers of Jesus and leaders of the Christian church. I think of my original plan to work with high schoolers through the school system and instead find myself being able to work with them on a whole different level, one that suits me better than leading from a classroom and not being able to express the most important part of my life, my faith. And now I find myself facing my future or at least, this upcoming school year, knowing that something big will happen, wherever I may find myself. And I trust that God will lead the way to wherever it is that I need to be.

Life in Threes

2007-05-27T16:40:00.001-04:00

This summer has been billed the summer of 3's. Spider-Man 3. Shrek 3. Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Rush Hour 3. Ocean's 11 3. Wait, I mean Ocean's 13. I've seen the first three movies on the list and have discovered what many other movie goers have this summer: pulling off the third of the series is often the hardest. So far, I've been disappointed with all three movies with the exception of Pirates and that might have just been because I had low expectations in the first place.

This week I also find myself facing a different type of three, the third person of the trinity, the Holy Spirit. Today is Pentecost, the day we celebrate the arrival of the Holy Spirit on the disciples and the beginning of the Christian church. It also happens to be Memorial Day weekend which means significantly less people in church and thus, the perfect day for the intern to preach. I took it all in stride and figured preaching on Pentecost was a good thing. Nobody really talks about the Holy Spirit and that should give me plenty to talk about. But, as I started writing the sermon this week, I realized that the reason people didn't preach on it often, was because it wasn't exactly easy to preach on.

Those of us in the church will often talk about the Holy Spirit in an offhand way. We pray for it to show up in worship on Sunday. If we're trying to make a decision we tell people to listen to the Spirit or do whatever the Spirit moves you to do. We talk about it as a feeling. But, when it actually comes to making the Holy Spirit into more of a concrete being, well, it's a challenge to say the least.

I did my best with the sermon. I struggled a bit and ironically, prayed for the Holy Spirit to work through my writing of it and give me the words I needed. And the funny thing with how writing sermons works is sometimes we just end up writing them to ourselves. In my case, my last part of the sermon was about how we needed to trust that the Holy Spirit is always there, working through our lives just like it worked through the apostles on that day on Pentecost. Whether we could feel it or not, we needed to trust that the Holy Spirit was working through our lives. For me, it was trusting that even though I wasn't feeling the best about this sermon, that the Holy Spirit could and would use it anyway.

So this morning I tackled the big three. The third person the the trinity. Three Sunday services. And it definitely wasn't as bad as the three "3" movies I saw this summer. :) The Holy Spirit did its job and it did it well.

In the Meantime

2007-05-17T12:36:00.000-04:00

Some fun pictures from the past month (and because blogs are always more fun with pictures)...

The ladies and I got to play ditzy angels complete with wings for the song "Heaven Hop."

Belting out the piece "I Don't Know How to Love Him" from Jesus Christ Superstar. Of course they give the intern pastor the controversial piece.

My other staring role in the show. My friend Drew sang the song "Why God Why?" from Miss Saigon. I was the "prop" for the song and got to pretend to be sleeping through his song.

One of the highlights of the show. This is "Sit Down You're Rockin' the Boat," one of my favorite pieces from the show. This also happens to be the perfect action shot of Bobby doing his best Nicely Johnson impression.

The entire cast of the show. I must say, the kids always stole the show!

The other week I went the Relient K show. It was basically me and a bunch of high schoolers and their parents and a few other older than college age people. It was a great show though and I fell in love with one of the opening bands, Mae.

The crowd getting into the Relient K show. The one nice thing about being at a show with high schoolers was that when I did find myself in the middle of a mosh pit, I was able to do my fair share of shoving too.

Anderea, Ashley, the Knights mascot, and myself at a Charlotte Knights game on Sunday. It was the perfect day for a baseball game and we all had a blast!

Get 'Er Done!

2007-05-16T16:27:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the hiatus in blog postings. It's been quite a couple of weeks and I know this is going to continue for at least one and half more. Whew!

A couple of notes. The show turned out fantastic! I had a wonderful time and didn't realize how much it meant to me until our closing worship after the final show. As we dug into the most powerful number of the show, "You'll Never Walk Alone" from Carousel I found myself in tears and I wasn't alone. The community that we found from this show did a lot to carry us through it, when we hit notes wrong, when we were worrying about singing the wrong lyrics for our solos, when we were trying to change costume in a rush, when one of us got sick, etc. I'll promise pictures later.

The class list has been posted for next year and our approval essay requirements have been posted. We're all on the verge of being done. All that stands between us is 8-10 credits and a 17-20 page paper that will later be dissected by a candidacy committee and professor. But, the end is in sight. In a year I will be preparing to graduate from seminary. Wow!

This weekend I'm taking our senior high youth group on a retreat to North Myrtle Beach. It's one of those things where the pastor that supervises me for youth and family stuff and I agreed that there need to be a lot of changes next year. We haven't even left yet and there's been crisis after crisis after crisis. Let's hope and pray since all of this has happened before the trip that this means the trip will go fairly well without any tragedies.

In the midst of all of the chaos that comes from putting together the trip and getting ready to preach on memorial day weekend I find myself on the cusp of something. I'm not quite sure what that something will be yet but I have this feeling that my future will be defined by what goes on in these last fews weeks in May. I will finally have to give an answer about a CPE site. I will have to make decisions about classes I'm going to take at seminary. And our church will know what will happen with the open youth director position which could impact the last few months of my internship. We're meeting with parents and youth about an idea we've been wanting to implement for months now and it's finally looking like it will get off the ground. We'll see how this all shakes out. Either way, I'm excited for what the last few weeks of this month hold.

Adventures in Bunnysitting

2007-05-08T18:27:00.000-04:00

While I've been in Charlotte I've been called on pet-sit quite a few times. The former intern turned associate pastor and his wife live about half a mile away from me and take more vacation time than me. They also happen to have two rabbits and a cat. Since I happen to like animals and I'm usually in town when they're out of town, I've become their default pet-sitter.

They happened to be out of town this past weekend. I said I'd do it even though I knew it was going to be a crazy weekend. This was the only weekend we were showing our church musical and on top of that was church business as usual. Needless to say, I was a bit busy and all I really could concentrate on was the musical and church.

The first couple of days went well enough. This is pretty low maintenance pet-sitting. They confine the animals to one room, the rabbits are in cages, and the cat isn't one of those that tries really hard to escape, she just meows with annoyance about being cooped up in the room. All I basically do is feed them and make sure they have enough water, and the automatic litter box is functioning properly.

However, after I wandered over on Sunday after an incredibly long day at church (we had our usual three services, previews for the show at the services, our final matinée, and striking the set) I was treated to a surprise when I arrived at their place. Somehow, one of the rabbits had gotten out of his hutch! Oh no...

I have no idea how it had gotten out (probably negligence on my part forgetting to close the hutch). But now I was staring at a pile of bunny bedding and bunny droppings on the floor, not to mention a loose bunny running around the room. Now, other than feeding these rabbits and commenting how cute the rabbits are that live around my apartment complex, I haven't handled rabbits. Which means I have no idea how to catch them and pick them up. So, I have a loose bunny on my hands and no idea how to catch it and redeposit it in its hutch. The bunny stops hopping, I reach in with my two hands for the side, I hesitate wondering if the bunny can bite me if I pick it up on the sides, and it scampers off to a different place in the room. I realize how ridiculous my initial thought is and try again only to hesitate again at the same position and the bunny scampers off to another part of the room near the cat.

The cat is definitely not happy about the situation. She's a prissy persian who acts like she owns the room and having this bunny now hopping around in her space does not please her. However, the bunny is quite clueless and stops with his face inches away from the face of the cat. The cat starts hissing at the bunny and the bunny sits there, oblivious that this cat is not pleased with the bunny's freedom. However, I think the cat also realized that this bunny could probably kick its butt because, again, prissy cat vs. fairly fast, fat bunny. Therefore the most that the cat could muster was a hiss or two in the bunny's face. The bunny didn't even react. He just stared innocently at the cat as if to say, "what?" I take a quick pause from my attempted bunny catching to laugh at the whole cat vs. bunny situation.

Then, again with the chasing. Bunny stops. Can I grab a bunny by the scruff of its neck? Reach. Pause. Dammit, there goes the bunny again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Finally, I have the bunny cornered by the cage. I hesitate yet again. It hops away... into the cage! I slam the door shut and that's that! Whew! Needless to say, the past few days I've double and triple checked that it's cage is properly shut.

Opening Night x2

2007-05-04T11:51:00.000-04:00

Last night was finally opening night for our church's musical, Faith on Broadway. It seemed hard to believe. Auditions had been held in late January, I found out in April that I got a solo and now it was finally time to get up on stage and rock it out. It had been a long week of dress rehearsals, last minute instructions, and nerves. The musicals is cabaret style meaning that we took numbers from all sorts of shows on Broadway including the obvious Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Godspell, and Jesus Christ Superstar. We also took pieces from Carousel, Big River, Miss Saigon, Anything Goes, and Fiddler on the Roof.

Last night came and it was hard to believe. There was a decent amount of chaos and scrambling considering it was our first show. But the pieces all came together last night. It was such a rush! We all had a blast on stage and there was a feeling that we were doing this all for God. And my solo, I Don't Know How to Love Him from JC Superstar went just fine. Whew! Afterwards the final bow and we all got offstage there was a collective cheer from the cast backstage. We had done it! And we did it well! So, onto three more performances and hopefully less nerves the second, third, and fourth time around...

Then, a few of us headed to Steak n Shake for some after show celebrating and good, unhealthy, artery clogging food and the opening of Spider-Man 3. I went to the show with some of the youth and college students from the church. And pretty much the entire crowd was high school aged kids. Yeah, I wasn't expecting that. But I managed to have a good time in spite of the fact that people were quite obnoxious during key parts of the movie and I got mistaken for a high schooler (which has happened more than I'd like to admit) and then I had to tell this poor girl that I was actually 25 and in turn embarrassed her. Oh well, I'm pretty sure this is going to happen for the next 5 plus years of my life.

It was a great night though and I'm very happy to put opening night jitters behind me. Now, onto the next shows...

Geeks Unite!

2007-04-30T20:55:00.000-04:00

Today I bought my ticket for the midnight premiere of Spider-Man 3!!! Yes, I know that makes me a bit of a geek. But I have learned to embrace this part of me. I actually had a conversation a few years ago with my friends and we debated who was the biggest geek/nerd/dork (my friend won because she had been to multiple Star Trek conventions and had dressed up). But, this latest excitement reminded me why I was the runner up.

So for your amusement, here are some of the factors that put me in the running:
-Biology major with an interest in ecology and environmental science. Self proclaimed science geek!
-Classics major by accident (which is the study of ancient Greek and Roman history and language). Seriously, how does someone end up with an accidental major in that?
-The three languages I know fairly well are all dead languages: Latin, Greek, and Hebrew.
-I have a thing for TV cartoons based on comic books. Hence my surprising amount of knowledge of Spider-Man, Superman, Batman, and X-Men.
-Big fan of anime - Cowboy Bebop being my favorite.
-Star Wars fanatic - have read a decent number of the books and have seen the original trilogy so many times I could probably quote it to people, including some of the alien dialogue.
-Movies I saw at the midnight showings: Star Wars Episode II and III (I saw Episode II the day before a geology lab exam), Two Towers (I couldn't see Fellowship of the Ring or Return of the King because I had finals the next day).
-I worked in a Blockbuster Video for two years which means I know way too much about movies (and also gives me an edge at trivia).

And let's face it, when it all comes down, we all have a little geek in us. It keeps things interesting. There's nothing wrong with wanting to learn a little more, getting excited over a little thing, and finding common ground through odd interests. I embrace my inner geek because through my experiences with these I have made great friends and have some great memories. My roommate for the past fews years and I first really bonded during late night biology sessions. My Classics major gave me the great opportunity of going to New Orleans pre-Katrina for a conference. I can tell you who I went to all those midnight showings and where they are now. And my TV comic book obsession now means that I get the chance to bond with kids from the youth group (and potentially see them wearing Spider-Man underoos over their pants when we see the movie which I know I would never forget, no matter how hard I tried). Here's to unapologetically being ourselves, even if it makes us a bit odd. :) So what makes you a geek?

Life Is a Highway

2007-04-24T21:04:00.000-04:00

I have a bit of a tradition when I take road trips. I make iPod mixes for the trip and each mix starts out with the Rascal Flatts version of Life Is a Highway. It's an upbeat song that's catchy and seems fitting for any long drive.

I spent a lot of time on the highway these past five days. A lot! Close to as many hours as it took to drive from MN to NC. On Friday I drove from Charlotte to Orlando for a seminar on youth ministry. It seems like a long distance to drive for a seminar but I knew it was going to be worth it, especially with my position as the interim youth director. I spent Friday through early Sunday afternoon at the conference and then I drove back to Charlotte. And the drive home was even longer. Probably because it took me over an hour to drive the first 20 miles back. Probably because I was tired from the long day on Saturday. Probably because of a late night with some friends at the conference. Probably because I knew that I was going to be back in Charlotte for less than 12 hours before I had to head back on the road to an intern/supervisor retreat.

Either way, it was a long drive on Sunday and I was hurting. I had my Cherry Coke Zero and my iPod mix but it wasn't enough. Thankfully, I also had my cell phone. I made calls and received calls with friends from back home and all around the country. I talked life, relationships, faith, school, vacation plans, and baseball (Go Twins!) with them. It was exactly what I needed to keep going and make it home and then make it to the retreat and back again today.

Life has been a bumpy ride lately. My future destination isn't quite clear. And yet, I have to keep driving. I have experiences to give me that extra energy when I'm feeling tired. I have my friends to entertain me and encourage me along the way. And I have a great navigator in the form of God. So, I guess I just have to keep on driving...

Seeking Relevancy

2007-04-19T11:11:00.000-04:00

Keep it real...
Be honest...
Pay attention to what's going on in the world around you...
Speak to what is on the minds of the people...
Meet the people where they are...

These are great things to keep in mind in ministry. It's something that we seek to do with all ages of people whether they are high school youth, older retirees, preschool age children, or people starting families. We want what we talk about, what we say, and what we do to be relevant to the bigger picture. We keep an ear to the ground and another heavenward in order that we may meet people in the intersection of life on earth and God's call.

The events of this past week have made the goal of being relevant a challenging task. The Virginia Tech shooting is very much in the forefront of people's minds. The media frenzy has helped this of course. But here, it's hit closer to home in the literal sense. It's a 3 hour drive from Charlotte to Blacksburg and there are people in our congregation that have friends and family who attended VT.

I know there are a lot of questions out there because I'm asking many of the same. What could motivate a person to do such a thing? How did the shooter get to this point? What could have been done to prevent this? Could we have even something like this coming? What about our own safety and the safety of a children, friends, and loved ones that are attending schools around the country? Am I really safe at school? What about God, where was/is he in all of this?

As we continue to add more and more questions to the pile, I'm faced with the realization that these are the questions that the youth are asking and that I don't have any good answers to them. I want to be relevant and address the issue at hand and know I need to address this. But where to start and what to say...

This perhaps is one of the most difficult and most important challenges we will face in ministry. Seeking relevancy means addressing questions and issues that we don't have answers or solutions for. And I guess the best thing we can do is admit that we are in the same boat with them. That we are just as shocked and horrified as everyone else and that we are asking the same questions and that answers are hard to come by.

Last night I got in front of part of our youth group and spoke to the issue. I admitted that I didn't have any "good" answers. I told them in all honesty I was in the same place they were. But in the midst of the storm I was finding peace through God. That I knew God was crying with us and offering us comfort and was moved by our pain and suffering like so many years ago when he stood in front of Lazarus' tomb. That even though he couldn't provide a miracle like Lazarus' resurrection, he could provide a different kind of miracle through the cross and the promise of forgiveness and eternal life.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is take a risk in order to speak to the issue at hand. Last night was a risk. Whether or not it had any impact I don't know. But, I did what was in my heart and what I felt like God was calling me to do and sometimes that's all we have. I trust that God will always take care of the rest.

2007-04-16T22:26:00.000-04:00

Some nights you are forced to say that you have no answers and simply fall to your knees. Tonight is one of those nights. Most of you have probably heard of the shootings at Virginia Tech by now. This tragedy strikes closer to home out here in NC being more familiar with VT through the ACC and friends here who attended. I have no answers for the tough questions as we all face this night together wondering what just happened and how and why. All I have is a prayer for help and a cry for God's presence.

Please keep the victims, family, friends, and everyone else in your prayers as this all unfolds.

Infestation

2007-04-15T19:36:00.000-04:00

My family's house back in MN has a large pond it the backyard. This may sound like a good deal and many pretty views but it brought something else with it: geese. Some people think Canadian Geese are beautiful and majestic animals. These people have never had them in their backyard. They poop everywhere and are among the dumbest animals alive. Our pond would be frozen solid in November with the temperatures barely reaching 10 degrees and there will still be two dozen geese on our pond. Migrate south already!

I thought I had been rid of this problem ever since the fence went up in our backyard and I moved away from home. However, I was wrong. There happens to be a large pond across the street from our church and, you guessed it, geese now roam freely on the church property. Of course, they act like they own the place. A line of cars will be coming through our main entrance on a Sunday morning and they will be standing in the middle of traffic. Even though the cars will honk incessantly at them, the geese will continue to stand and stare at the drivers. They turn the sidewalks around church into a minefield and an unsuspecting visitor may accidentally step in a pile of green. Ick!

Today, the battle came to a head. A pair of geese decided it would be a good idea to nest right beside one of our main doorways at church. And then they get mad at us for walking near the nest. Stupid animals. Facing off against an angry goose is quite an experience. They will actually charge at a person, neck parallel to the ground, beak pointed straight at you. And they hiss. It's actually kind of weird. But a poor child who was walking with her parents today was almost bitten. Yeah, not cool and I can understand that a large, fat charging goose can be a scary experience for a child.

The church calls animal control thinking it will do something to help. They were nice enough to drive by and tell us, just let them be for a week or two. Alright, I'm sorry. We run a large preschool that has a main entrance right where these geese have nested and the children are all dropped off there. What's more important, these geese or the humans? Let's be realistic here! There are more than enough geese (this is why there are such high limits on how many geese you can kill while hunting) and these geese are more pests than anything. But unfortunately, the geese saga will continue as we wait for them to hatch. Hopefully I won't get attacked by one in the meantime...

Habitat for Humanity

2007-04-09T22:09:00.000-04:00

Holy Week I got the chance to go with a group of 56 adults and high school youth to Sea Island near Charleston, SC to do a mission trip for Habitat for Humanity. I had never really done anything with Habitat before this trip. We had tried to help out when I got here in Charlotte earlier in the year but rain and an already full house hampered our efforts and we ended up being sent home. So, this was my first all out experience building a Habitat house and working with the organization. The Sea Island/John's Island chapter of Habitat is one of the oldest in the country. They've been doing this for a long time and they're good at it!

We did something a bit different than other Habitat groups. Often, groups will build an entire house from the ground up. They frame it, lift up the walls, put in the sheet rock, built the roof, shingle, put up siding, paint, etc. Unfortunately, there is an overabundance of wetland where we were working and therefore, permits for building are harder to come by. So, we couldn't build the entire house up. Instead, we go to prefabricate the houses. We measured the wood, put pieces of it together (I know all about Jack/King combos, T's, studs, cripples, etc.), build all the walls, lift the walls up, place them all in the proper locations, hurricane strap them, and then take all the assembled walls down and store them. We were also sprucing up an old Catholic Church that was going to be used as a meeting space/Chapel.

So, we had plenty of work cut out for us. And only about a third of the group had been there before on a Habitat group. But, it was trial by fire and we were all up to the challenge. We re-learned how to swing hammers, how to properly frame a window, and that flush, king, and jack were more than just card terms. It was a great group and I enjoyed getting to know the youth better through serving with them. I think it speaks lengths when we can compare blisters, sore thumbs (hurricane strapping can be brutal without a pliers), and then all run toward the ocean together after a hard day's work. Oh, and did I mention that the camp we were staying was right off the ocean and had over a mile of beach front! I even took a walk with dolphins one morning!

Even though we didn't get to see the traditional house go up, I still feel like we accomplished a lot this week. We were dirty, scarred, and exhausted at the end of each day. But we somehow all found the energy for a quick game of spades, euchre, or ERS, a guitar/bass jam session, s'mores around a campfire, a walk on the beach, or a good conversation with a new friend. And the next day, we were ready to go at it again, knowing that we were making a difference in someone's life, in our case, a difference for the three families we were prefabricating houses for and for all those who would make use of the Habitat Chapel. Many of us on the trip come from very affluent families and areas and I think that this made us appreciate what we have even more.

All in all, one of the best weeks I've had since I've arrived in Charlotte. Chances are, I'll be back for one more trip (I think I can justify skipping classes to go next year). So, if you ever get a chance to do a Habitat build near you, I would highly recommend it. :) Anybody up for the Habitat Blitz in Charlotte in June?

To Serve and Protect and Holy Week

2007-04-06T12:55:00.000-04:00

I left early Sunday afternoon for our Habitat trip. It was a busy day at church between Palm Sunday, leading the high school opener, spending time with the young adult group, and packing up for the trip. I got a brief word that two Charlotte police officers had died earlier that morning. However, I did not hear another word about it till I got back from my trip yesterday at around 11:30 a.m. Then I started hearing the story and about the officers, Jeff Shelton and Sean Clark. I watched bits of the two services on TV in-between preparing and leading the Maundy Thursday and Good Friday services at church.

I found out that the funeral procession was going to be heading down Providence Rd. which runs right by the church and my apartment. Both days I stood outside, hand on my heart, watching the hundreds of police and citizen cars drive past on the way to the grave site. I had never seen anything like this. The outpouring of support was incredible. There were people lining the streets up and down the entire city of Charlotte doing the same thing I was. The days were both sunny but the mood was somber. I was both filled with joy to see the support of these fallen officers who had died serving and protecting others and sorrow for the loss felt by the families, fellow officers from Charlotte and around the south (there were police cars from all over NC, SC, VA, and FL to name a few), and the community of Charlotte.

All of this takes place in the context of Holy Week, the week where we as Christians celebrate Jesus' arrival in Jerusalem on Palm Sunday, the Last Supper and Jesus' betrayal and arrest on Maundy Thursday, Jesus' death on the cross on Good Friday, and Jesus' resurrection on Easter Sunday. It is a week of both deep sorrow and immense hope. A week that shows both the sin of humankind and love of God that ultimately trumps everything, including death.

Here were two officers who lived to serve and protect others and died doing just that. And we commemorate them on two days that are all about serving and protecting. Jesus commanded us to love one another as he had loved them on Maundy Thursday and even washed his disciples feet, one of the dirtiest tasks of the old world. And then on Good Friday, Jesus died on the cross in order to serve and protect us. He died in order that we may not bear our sin and death anymore but instead may have forgiveness and eternal life.

These two days and these two funerals show us the tragic nature of humanity. That people are capable of killing others in cold blood. That we are all capable of killing the one who came to protect and serve us. But, at the same time, we also remember all the more the loving nature of God. That God took the tragedy of the cross and turns it on its head come Sunday morning. That because of God's love and what Jesus did on the cross, that even though we mourn in sorrow, we also live in the hope and promise of the resurrection and eternal life. That God is here mourning with us and the families. That the funerals and processions are not the end. That God has the final word and his word is one of grace and love and comfort.

"In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:37-39)

Random Notes

2007-04-01T13:07:00.000-04:00

-So I tried out for the church musical a few months ago and got a spot in the chorus. It's a musical review called Faith on Broadway so we're pulling in music from all sorts of shows including Fiddler on a Roof, Godspell, Joseph, etc. Well, this past week we auditioned for solos. I decide to try out for fun and because it give me some good experience not really thinking I have a shot. Well, turns out I got a solo and it's "I Don't Know How to Love Him" from Jesus Christ Superstar. It's a big, dramatic, and controversial solo. Gulp! Well, I asked for it I suppose. We'll see how this all comes together in the next month. :)

-I leave for a Habitat trip today so I will be gone through Thursday and then it's back for Holy Week. It's going to be a rush! Three services Maundy Thursday, two on Good Friday, four on Easter. Whew! I'm excited though. This is what it's all about!

-Happy Holy Week!

To Move and Be Moved

2007-03-28T13:56:00.000-04:00

The things that move me, that evoke an intense emotional response are sometimes surprising. It might be a praise and worship song that comes up on a CD that I've listened to two dozen times already. It might be the touching blog entry the brother of a friend of mine wrote in memory of his friend that just passed away. It might be the small gesture made by someone I barely know at church asking me over for dinner at their home. But what surprises me even more than what moves me, is what I do or say that moves other people.

This past Sunday I found myself preaching the fifth sermon in a sermon series on predestination entitled, "What's God's Will for My Life?" Seems like the perfect question for me to address as I look to my near future and face some big questions about what it is that I'm going to be doing in the next year or so. I thought this sermon was going to be a nasty one to write but was surprised when it came to me fairly quickly.

Underlying my sermon is the understanding that predestination means that God destines us to believe, that we cannot believe without God's intervention. That the saving work is left up to God and not to us. Beyond that, we as Lutherans believe that we have free will in our daily life. Basically, I am the one who decides that I wanted to wear my linen black shirt to work today, I am the one who decides where I go to seminary, I am the one who decides who I marry. God is not pulling all the strings.

So, with that in mind, the main focus of my sermon was that even if we look to all the right places when we go to make a decision about our life (the Bible, common sense, advice from each other), we're still going to some bad decisions. But, God is able to work with all of our decisions, good or bad, for the good. And that nothing, even any bad or disastrous decisions we may make about our lives, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is through Christ Jesus our Lord (to my sem friends: feel free to pick apart the theology :)

Sunday I was ready to go, prayed, and went up and did my best trusting that God would do the rest. And for some reason, this one really hit a nerve with people. I had people telling me I had spoken directly to them and that this was exactly what they needed to hear. Was it the delivery? Was it the stories I used (Joseph from Genesis i.e. amazing technicolor dreamcoat and my own struggle trying find the right internship site)? Was it the Bible passages (Genesis 50 and Romans 8)? I'm not quite sure.

And as much as I would like to think it was me doing the moving, I can't take the credit. God showed up somewhere in a big way in the process of research, writing, practice, and the actual delivery. This was God's show and I was simply doing as I had been directed. Though I may be getting the best performer award I wouldn't be there without the screenwriter who wrote the words for me, the casting director who contacted me about the role, director who had the original vision about what this role could be and made me reach for that level, and the producer who was willing to take a chance on me and who was willing to risk so much of what he had on me.

This isn't my show, it's never about me. And as I work on my preaching and hopefully get better, perhaps that's the most important thing to keep in mind. It's not about me or my words, it's about God and his word, his final word that because of what Jesus did on the cross for us, we are forgiven.

Mute Math Part 2!!!

2007-03-23T00:44:00.000-04:00

If had to pick one band to represent my life here in Charlotte as my soundtrack I would have to pick Mute Math, hands down. I was introduced to the band by my friend Jeff early in my tenure here (see blog entry from 10/23). I have now seen them twice in concert here in Charlotte, have gone through three copies of their CD (given away to friends, worn out another), and have constantly had their songs stuck in my head. They have a one-of-a-kind sound and have lyrics with a message that I can really get behind. And tonight I saw them for the second time! Let me tell you that I live for nights like this!

I was even more impressed this time around when I knew they music backwards and forwards. They stayed true to the music, yet improvised enough so we didn't feel like we were just listening to the CD. They also sound incredible live. Oh, and for the record, in the picture above the drummer is duct taping his headphones to his head. And by the end of the show they're usually flung off anyway. Have I mentioned that the lead singer also plays a keytar??? How can they not be great with a keytar?

However, what I was most impressed with today, besides the music, was the people behind the music. I waited afterwards and was given the chance to meet the band face to face and chat and hear some of their stories from the road. They were incredibly humble and appreciative. They might have said thank you more than I did. They were all personable too and I now know way too much about the guitarists' esophagus but hey, it was a great story.

So needless to say, it's been a great night and I'm still awake simply because I'm trying to unwind. As far as concerts go, this would probably fall in my top five (with U2, Coldplay, Smashing Pumpkins, and Weezer).

"Cuz I know there's got to be another level
Somewhere closer to the other side
And I'm feelin' like it's now or never
Can I break the spell of the typical?"

Finding Meaning in the Trivial

2007-03-21T22:38:00.000-04:00

I knew it was going to be one of those weeks. And no, I didn't psyche myself out with this. I just knew a lot was going to fall on my plate at once. I had been playing phone tag with the bus companies for over a week trying to arrange transportation for a high school retreat. I was trying to get quotes from places for another summer trip. I'm also preaching this Sunday on the hefty topic "What Is God's Will For My Life?" Whew! Add to that a council meeting on Monday night and musical practice on Tuesday night and all the usual meetings on Monday morning and Tuesday morning and afternoon and Wednesday programming and well, you have one busy, slightly stressed intern pastor/interim youth director.

And yet on Wednesdays, I know I will always find a respite, a break in a hectic week that will give me enough to carry me through Thursday and any possible weekend church activities. I meet up with a group of friends to play trivia at DD Pecker's Wing Shack. The trivia is anything from old and new school TV (we had questions about both Grey's Anatomy and Happy Days tonight) to movies to sports to geography to music to random tidbits of news. We play for both pride and a free round of beer. There are four rounds and each round is ten questions. If there is a tie, there usually is a tie breaker consisting of name that tune (either title or artist). Our team has its specialists (we suffer if one of our TV people isn't there) and generalists (me). And somewhere in there I got designated the official tie breaker representative so if we tie I go up and attempt to guess the song. And our team isn't half bad. We usually can win or tie for a round at least once a week

It's definitely been something to look forward to during the week and tonight was no exception. Even though I was actually in good position (sermon written except for editing, buses booked) I still knew I needed this time to unwind. Plus, we hadn't won a round in a long time. And tonight was perfect! I found time to rest, take my eyes off a computer screen, socialize with people that have no connections to my church, and even attempt to answer some of the questions (What are the three actresses that starred opposite of Mike Myers in the Austin Powers movies?). And we went 10 for 10 the first round. However, the tie breaker song was Hank Williams. Yeah, there was no way I was going to get that. Second round we tied with four other teams and I yet again found myself waiting nervously for the song... Wait, I know this... "SWEET CAROLINE!!!"

I seriously don't know how I was the first person to get the song. I think I was just the loudest. But free beer for the team and my losing streak was snapped at two. It's a good note to end a hectic half a week on. And trivia always seems to be the push that gets me through that last day of the work week. Even though it proves how much useless knowledge I have crammed into my head (What number did Cal Ripken Jr. wear?) it has become my Wednesday night escape. It has shown me how trying to figure out who the drummer of Led Zepplin was can bring together a group of strangers. And I am extremely grateful for the chance to make new friends and do something different.

Now, I just have to make it through Thursday, some major sermon editing and then I have Mute Math Concert Part II to look forward to!

Shout Outs!

2007-03-19T15:19:00.000-04:00

I think it's always fun to celebrate accomplishments and I thought today I'd celebrate some fun accomplishments of a couple of friends of mine.

First, my friend Ben got published! Check out his article about Bracketology and Faith. It comes at the perfect time (NCAA basketball tournament anyone) and makes some good points. Enjoy!

My co-worker Stephanie entered a contest to win a dream job at Disney World. It's called the Disney Dream Job and she's auditioning to win the chance to be a Pirate a la Captain Jack Sparrow at the Pirates of the Caribbean Ride at Disney. She had to film herself doing her best pirate impression and show why she deserved the job. And it's pretty darn entertaining and impressive. Check it out and if you feel so moved, cast your vote.

I had a friend from Luther Seminary who is doing her internship in Brainerd, MN come through this week on her way to her mission trip to Guatemala with a group of adults and high schoolers. Her internship project for the year was organizing this trip and it was an honor to be a part of that process. I helped coordinate housing for the participants and rides for their layover in Charlotte on their way to Guatemala. And praise God for friends who will go all out to help a friend or a friend's friend. My two friends Mark and Anderea, gave up their Friday night to help me pick up the travelers from the airport and then got up early to drop them off again on Saturday morning (and we're talking about 7 a.m. early on a Saturday!)!!! Though we may not all be able to give up time to go to a third world country for a week to do mission work I think pitching in in the smallest way can make all the difference and have an impact just the same.