Ouch!

I'm avoiding writing a sermon right now and came across this video on ESPN.com. I'm pretty sure it's intentional too and agree with Rick Reilly on this. The catcher doesn't even look like he's trying. He goes down while the ball goes up. It's kind of sad that someone would actually do it but kind of funny too.

In case you're wondering what I've done with some of my extra free time this past year. Helping start a new church = fun!

The Myth of Relevancy

Well, I still don't have a job but I did get the chance to preach this past weekend at The Source which is the church start in Stillwater I've been helping out with this week. This is generally what I preached.

I did something this past week that I haven’t done for ages; as in, it’s probably been at least since September. And it’s something I used to do all the time, in fact, I was quite obsessive about it up until about three years ago. I went and bought a CD! The new Weezer CD came out and since it is officially known as the Red Album, I had to go and buy it because I didn’t want it to be any generic, burned CD. I suppose I could have colored it with a red sharpie but that’s beside the point. Think about it, when was the last time you bought a CD as opposed to simply downloading the song or album online? Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails both released their last albums pretty much exclusively online. We never thought we’d see the day come but CDS are starting to become irrelevant. But then again, we’ve seen this happen in the past. How many of you have ever played around with a record? Or the even more elusive eight track? Cassette tapes? And back in the day, when those came out, they were the next big thing! They would never go out of style! They were here to stay. But their relevancy faded and soon they became simple collectors items that we keep around for nostalgia’s sake.

And this example illustrates the problem with relevancy. The Source, this worshipping community, claims to be relevant because Jesus is relevant. However, somewhere in here, relevant has come to mean what is hip, what is cool, what is trendy. And if we claim to be relevant, does this mean than The Source or even Jesus can fade out just like the cassette tape, VHS, and rotary phones? Can Jesus run out of his proverbial 15 minutes of fame?

And beyond that tricky question the issue of relevancy gets more complicated because relevant means more than simply what’s cool, what’s in, and what’s hip. The word relevant goes much deeper than that. As we look at the meaning of relevancy more specifically we realize that its complicated by the fact that what’s relevant to the culture in general and what’s relevant to me is going to be different than what’s relevant to you. Since we’re running with the music theme take a second to think about what genre of music is most relevant to you. What music speaks the most to you and what’s going on in your life? Any alternative music fans? That’s me. How about country? Pop? Hip hop? Classical? R & B? Metal? Contemporary Christian? And you know, there’s no shame in liking different types of music or having different things that speak to you on a personal level. See, the other thing about relevancy is that it speaks to us where we are in our life; it is relevant because whatever it is whether it’s music, movies, television, books, sermons, or anything else meets us where we are and speaks to whatever it is that we’re going through in life. Relevant means meeting us where we are in life or as the dictionary puts it, it is pertinent to the issues at hand. But the tricky part of relevance is, as we illustrated by our differing tastes in music, is that everyone will not necessarily experience life and relevancy in the same way. What’s relevant to me might not be relevant to you and vise versa. What speaks to me in my life right now might not speak with you.

And where does that put us with Jesus? If we each experience life so differently and different things speak to us more than another person how can Jesus be relevant to all of us? How in the world can Jesus be relevant to every individual here and to the larger world, to people who don’t even share the same culture and language with us, much less the same music tastes?

In order to answer this question we need to figure out what it is that we share as humans, as people who are as diverse as can be in every aspect in life.

This past fall I got the chance to work as chaplain at a nearby hospital. This meant visiting people who were in the hospital for various reasons whether it was because they were recovering after surgery or a major accident or sickness. It was intense to say the least and most days, when I walked into a room and introduced myself I had no idea what to expect. At the same time I was going through a rather difficult spot in my life. I had just made a big move across country from a city I had absolutely fallen in love with and had had to say goodbye to a great many people that I loved and now missed greatly. Plus, it was a tough semester at grad school and I could barely keep up with my class load. I also found myself struggling to try and connect with old friends because we had all changed so much. My life was a mess and I wondered what it is that I could offer these people that I was visiting.

Then came one very memorable day. I was the on-call chaplain for that day which meant if there were any emergencies or traumatic events I was the first to respond. And I came into this day really tired. You ever have those days where no matter how much coffee you drink you still can’t wake up? Yeah, it was one of those days. And of course, this was the day where everything hit the fan. Not even two hours into my shift I was paged to visit with a woman who had been pregnant with twins and had lost one of her babies in utero. For no good reason, the baby’s heart had just stopped beating for no good reason and, as you can imagine, it was heartbreaking for the couple. I visited a person who was suffering from exhaustion and depression and recovering from substance abuse and she broke down into tears in the middle of the visit. I visited people who had had no one come and visit them and were desperately looking for someone to talk to and to listen. I visited people who were in very acute physical, emotional, and mental pain. And I so wanted to be that person that told them that everything was going to alright, that everything was going to work out and that life was going to get better but on that day I just didn’t know. As much as I wanted to I just couldn’t do it. And in those moments on that day as I found myself in over my head in my job and in my life that I saw that common ground that we all share as humans. We all share in pain and uncertainty; we all have doubts and fears. With this realization I wondered how in the world I could be relevant to these people that I was visiting, people who were experiencing very real pain, doubt, and fear. And how could Jesus be relevant to these people and to me who was also experiencing pain, fear, and doubt and who are neck deep in the muck that this life can throw at us? How can Jesus be relevant when we’re brought to our knees by everything we’re facing in our lives?

The answer is simple, really. Jesus is relevant because he’s been there, he’s walked in our shoes, he’s shared in our pain and our uncertainty. In Philippians chapter 2 it is written that “Christ, being in the very nature of God, did not consider equality something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness! And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross!” Jesus is relevant because even though he was God, he was also human. He experienced everything that we do as humans. Through Jesus, God met us in the very messy human world as one of us, he met us in a world that was and is still full of pain, suffering, doubt, and fear.

The night before his death on a cross Jesus had one of those moments that I’m sure we call all relate to. He went up to the Mount of Olives, a hill in Jerusalem in order to pray. And his prayer is one that I know I have prayed before. He prays, “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet, I want your will to be done.” Jesus knew what was ahead of him. He knew his closest friends, those he had called as his followers and those he loved were going to turn him over to his death, were going to betray him, were going to deny that they knew him, and were going to desert him. He knew that he was going to experience pain of the worst kind, not only physical pain of the cross but the pain of seeing those who had followed him and supported him suddenly do an about face, turn on him, and demand his death. Jesus is relevant because he’s been there, he’s experienced the same pain that we face now first hand whether it’s been facing the betrayal of a close friend or significant other, the pain of mortality, the pain of facing a less than ideal or uncertain future, or the pain of living in a less than ideal world where injustice runs rampant and people seem more concerned with getting ahead than loving their neighbors. As the Phillipians passage notes, Jesus has truly walked in our shoes, Jesus is relevant because he came to earth as one of us and experienced life as one of us. He shared in the thing that connects us all as humans, he shared in the pain.

But perhaps what makes Jesus even more relevant is that while he shared in the pain of being human, he came to earth to do something about it. “Jesus humbled himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross!” Through that death, through truly sharing in what it means to be human, and then through rising from the dead Jesus was able to assure that our pain would not last forever. Through Jesus’ death on the cross and resurrection we live assured that this life that is so easily defined by pain and the trials we face will not be the end all. In the end we are told that “God will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

But until that day comes we still live in this world and face the pain. However, we do not walk through this life alone. God promises to walk through this life with us. Jesus tells us in Matthew 28:20, “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Jesus promises to be with us, to the very end of the age. Jesus promises to be with us no matter what, in the easy times and the hard times, through the triumphs and tragedies. And that’s also what makes God relevant. Relevant means meeting us where we are and God did that through Jesus then and God continues to meet us today in the midst of everything going on in our lives. God continues to walk with us in this life as we face all the pain that this world inflicts on us.

Truth be told, if I had the choice and the money, I wouldn’t be here today. I got word earlier this week that the dad of one of my good friends from Charlotte, NC had just passed away after a long battle with cancer and the funeral was yesterday in Atlanta. As I talked to my friend on early Monday morning I listened to her recount her father’s turn for the worse; how they had put him on hospice, how she had held his hand while he was in pain, how he couldn’t speak near the end, how she had watched him take his last breath and I wondered how in the world I could say something that was even close to relevant to her situation. Even though she said she had made much of her peace I could still sense the pain over the phone. How could I be relevant in that situation?

Because here’s the deal, as a community the Source will seek to be relevant and current with our messages and music. Like Jesus before us, The Source will try to be relevant by using illustrations and stories and messages and music that speak to the times. But we will seek to be relevant in other ways; we will seek to be relevant like Jesus was relevant, by meeting each other where we are in this life, in the midst of all the pain, suffering, uncertainty, fear, and doubt.

As I continued talking with Anderea I realized the only thing I could do was listen, was to assure her that I would pray for her, and that even though I was 1200 miles away, I would still walk with her in the midst of everything. I was relevant because I was willing to meet her where she was even though I didn’t even have close to the perfect words. I was relevant because I was willing to walk with her in the pain, even though I admittedly couldn’t fully understand what all of this felt like for her. And that’s what we seek to do here. Sure, we won’t know exactly what you’re going through, but we can be there with you, we can walk with you because we have all experienced pain of our own. We may not have the perfect words but we’re willing to listen and try to understand. You see sometimes being relevant is not about being trendy or wearing the hip clothes or listening to the right music; instead being relevant is about meeting each other wherever we are in this messy world that we all live in. Being relevant is being willing to truly listen to whatever it may be that’s going on in each other’s lives. Being relevant is being not afraid to meet each other in whatever pain we’re facing. And being relevant is reminding each other of the love of a God who loved us enough to walk a mile in our shoes.

Graduation - The End of an Era and the Beginning of the Unknown

So, Sunday, May 25 I walked across the "stage" at Central Lutheran in Minneapolis and was handed my Masters of Divinity diploma by the seminary president and received my hood. It's official! I'm finished with seminary! I'm a seminary graduate! Whoa!

It was a crazy but wonderful weekend! I found myself in the company of good friends throughout the weekend at Senior Night at Centennial Lakes in Edina, polkaing with friends at Gasthofs, worshipping the night before commencement, cheering on our fellow classmate at the St. Paul Saints game, and eating at community BBQ.

Of course, the main event was on Sunday as my classmates and I gathered together in our black polyester gowns and got ready to end what has been an equally wonderful and frustrating journey at times. This is one of those times when pretty much everyone is happy to be there and the company was fantastic. Most of us were a bit giddy and the females even let out a large cheer when we found out that our graduating MDiv class had more females than males in it. We processed in and found a seats. I had the luck of sitting next to two people I knew fairly well, including the first new friend I had made at seminary. It was a great service, there was no doubt about it and the professor the students had elected to speak brought it home.

However, the service provided an extra emotional wallop for us in the form of our class speaker. I've written a bit before about one of our classmates who was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of leukemia earlier in the year. He's had quite the fight of it and had a bone marrow transplant this spring. It's been amazing to see the seminary rally around this through prayer, encouragement, special services, and visits. And this Sunday, even though rumor had it that he was too weak to make graduation, the Academic Dean paused before announcing the name and said that applause would be welcome for this student. As he called out Scott's name everyone leapt to their feet with applause. Here in front of us was proof that God does answer prayers, that community can make a difference, and that God was very much alive and real. It was extremely powerful and moving. Then, after all the graduates had been present with their diplomas he delivered his address. It was short and sweet and lifted up the importance of this God-given community.

There is so much that my past four years have been about here at Luther and on my internship in Charlotte. It has been about learning and growing. It's been about failing and then learning to start over again in spite of everything. It's been about questioning everything and learning that not having the answers is okay. It's been about growing in my faith and understanding what it is that I'm called to. It's been about learning about God and realizing that I can never understand it all. But, it's also been about learning what it means to be the church with these friends, future colleagues, classmates, teachers, students, and family. Because being the church means being a community. And being a community can be hard sometimes whether it's because we're run down, we're facing various life crises, we're scared of being intimate, we're forced into competition with each other, or we're facing the pain of death and losing an important member of the community. But there is so much joy and support to be found in this community. Often, God will use this community to lift up an individual in whatever life situation they find themselves facing.

These past four years this is what many of us have experienced with each other and we've weaved our way through classes, papers, exams, marriages, babies, breakups, death, health issues, internships, moves, frustrations with the church, jobs falling through, big questions about our futures, and everything in between. And I know that I couldn't have made it this far without my classmates, with those I have shared both tears of joy and tears of sorrow, when I need prayers or vise versa. Seeing and listening to Scott's wise words reminded me of all of these things and reminded me of the many things beyond simply a degree that I was praising God for on that day.

It's been one heckuva journey, there's no way around it. If I had the choice to do it all over again knowing what I do now, would I? In a heartbeat!

Here are some fun graduation pics. Notice the fun, colorful hoods signifying the Masters degree. It's been a great ride. Thanks to all of your for your prayers and support. I truly mean it when I say I couldn't have done this without you!!!!


Kris, me, Becca, and Emily. Kris and I graduated with MDiv degrees and Becca and Emily graduated with MA degrees (Masters of Arts).


Derek, me, and Noah. Derek was the first new friend I made at seminary and Noah and I pretty much have done everything together since undergrad (we were on an outreach team together our freshman year at Gustavus, worked at Wapo together for three summers, were RA's together in the same freshman dorm, and then went to Luther together. Whew!).

Stacy and I showing off our degrees, proof that we actually made it!

The Beginning of the End

I'm pretty sure I've used this as a blog title before, probably at the very beginning of the year. Right now it's the eve of graduation and I'm stalling before heading out to meet some friends who are also graduating. And yeah, it seems hard to believe that tomorrow I'm walking and receiving my Masters of Divinity and the special academic hood that comes with it. I'm definitely excited, that's to be expected. But it's also a bit weird. I guess I didn't know what to expect when this day finally arrived. This is the first time I'm finishing up a degree with no school in my imminent future (granted I have the feeling someday I'll eventually go on for a Ph. D. *sigh*). But, it's weird. However, I've been determined to not let my lack of a certain future get in the way of celebrating this weekend. One way or another, I like to think a Masters is a pretty decent accomplishment and as scary as the "real world" is, I'm really glad to be done with school and getting on with my future in a church as a pastor. So, my reactions to actual graduation and pictures will be posted later this week. Now, out to continue the celebration!

Done!

So, today I turned in my last paper... for seminary... ever! This means I've officially finished grad school which seems hard to believe! It's been quite the journey and I'm still not sure how I feel about it other than relieved. The knots that were forming in my shoulders (I carry my stress in my upper back) have all started unknotting and I keep of feeling like I should be doing something or reading something.

But after four years of blood, sweat, and tears this ending is still very bittersweet. With the turning in the final paper begins the beginning of the end. Soon I will be saying goodbye to some amazing friends as we all go our separate directions to first calls in churches. It feels great to be done but I will miss having giggling fits in the library over something that really isn't that funny, talking baseball over lunch in the cafeteria, sitting in the designated "senior spot" in chapel even though the services are less than inspiring most of the time, and knowing that my friends are just a phone call and short drive away. Ah, the life of a grown up. Either way, I'm so grateful to be done with school and to be able to leave this place with my sanity. It's been quite a ride and I look forward to walking with my class 1.5 weeks from now. Maybe by then this all will have sunk in...

Finals!

So, this is my last round of finals, possibly forever (unless I decide to someday go back for a Ph. D. or D. Min. which sadly, will probably happen). So, hence the lack of posting lately! It's been quite the ride and I have 2 of my 4 finals done already. Granted, I saved one of the hardest and one of the longest (albeit, I will "enjoy" writing this paper) for last. Whew!

It's funny, I really think the quality of my papers has degraded since I've gotten back this year. My friends and I were joking that we should actually footnote one of our papers with "senioritis" because I think we have all been feeling it. But, everything will get done and I should be walking in 2.5 weeks and finally receiving my Masters after 4 years of blood, sweat, and tears.

One interesting thing about the end of this year is I've found myself being a lot more cynical than normal. Most people would describe me as pretty happy-go-lucky in my normal life but I just haven't been feeling that at the end of this semester. I'm just so ready to be done. And I just don't care anymore. And while some people may view this cynicism as a negative thing it's actually been surprisingly good for me. Because in this cynicism I've found myself asking a lot more challenging questions about the system and about doing ministry in the church. I find that because of my frustration I find myself seeing places where I'd like to see change. And for someone who has spent most of her life following the rules to a "t" it's been good for me to question, challenge, and dream up ways to change things. The main trap that I can fall into now is lapsing into the place where I don't care enough to make the changes. So here's hoping this finals week doesn't suck the life out of me enough to make me not question but also strive to answer and change.

2 papers left...

Hiatus

Hi friends! Just thought I'd let you know that I won't be blogging on this site for the next week or two. I'm prepping to head down to Orlando for a conference on young adult ministry called Leadnow. I'm traveling with a couple of friends from seminary and from the "church start" out in Stillwater called The Source. We will all be blogging on http://leadnowconference.blogspot.com/. Please check this blog out for our thoughts on speakers, ministry, and what God is up to in the lives of 20 and 30 somethings.

The Character of Evil

I'm behind on my movies watching. Really behind. Hence why only now have I finally seen 4 out of the 5 movies nominated for Best Picture. I actually was fortunate enough to catch 3 out of the 5 before the ceremony (Juno, No Country for Old Men, and Atonement) but I finally got around to seeing There Will Be Blood this weekend which I was told would make me think again about my pick of No Country as the best of the lot (and No Country was the one that did eventually take home the Best Picture win). Both were phenomenal movies in my opinion. But I'm not here to necessarily talk about the movies as a whole but to talk about two of the most amazing, fierce, haunting, and disturbing characters I've seen in any movie in a long time. Both movies had two villains for the ages and both actors rightfully took home Oscars for their brilliant performances.

Warning, if you haven't seen the movies and want to and don't want the endings ruined I suggest you stop reading now...

Seriously, don't read on, this is what they call a spoiler alert...

Alright, you've been fairly warned. The two characters portrayed in the films, the bounty hunter Anton Chigurh in No Country For Old Men and the oil tycoon Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood are absolutely fascinating. They are both calculating, well spoken, and ruthless at what they do. They show no remorse and in one particularly chilling scene, Anton has a very creepy smile on his face as he chokes an unsuspecting cop to death.

Perhaps the most disturbing part of both movies are the endings. In both movies, things are not wrapped up neatly in a bow and justice has not been served. In both cases, the villains keep going. They aren't killed off, they aren't arrested and brought to justice. The movies both end rather abruptly leaving us wondering what just happened. And let's face it, we want those nice, neat endings. We want justice, we want to know that evil of this magnitude gets what it deserves. But instead we are left knowing that these villains, these evil men keep on living and perhaps go on to wreck more lives.

I think I'm a bit weird because I appreciate these types of endings. Because when it comes down to it, life isn't wrapped up nice and neatly in the end usually. And as scary as it may seem, there is evil out there right now that isn't being brought to justice. Evil exists out there in very real ways. I am reminded of this more than ever now as tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the Virginia Tech shootings something that no one still has an explanation for. And yes, this thought is scary and worrisome. I don't like the thought that there are men like the men portrayed in this two movies or people who will walk into a school, shopping mall, or crowded market and open fire on anyone around them. It's hard knowing that there are ruthless killers out there, people willing to do whatever it takes to get their way, people with no discernible conscience, people who will use others to get their way, people with no fear of the consequences from others or from God.

So, how do we do it? How do we go on knowing that there is great evil out there? I think we keep going because we know that there is a potential for great good in the midst of great evil. I am reminded of the story of the professor who blockaded the door in order to save his students. I am reminded of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German Lutheran Pastor who headed up an assassination plot against Hitler. I am reminded that even though the church has not always put its best face forward in the name of God (see the Crusades) it also has done much good through mission trips, partnering with countries in need, preaching the Gospel through service and love, and welcoming others with open arms. I am reminded that even though we put God on a cross because of our sins, God took that and turned it on its head and used it for the greatest good possible, the forgiveness of our sins. Yes, great evil persists today as these two movies testify. But great good exists as well and it will always overcome this evil through Jesus' death and resurrection.

If Seminary Were a Marathon...

I'd totally be hitting THE WALL right about now.

I remember having that nervous excitement at the beginning of seminary coupled with the question of what the heck have I gotten myself into? It was very much like that at the starting gates of my first (and hopefully not my last) marathon 2.5 years ago. I was excited and scared out of my mind. I had done most of the "training." I had a solid college education, experience volunteering in the church and working at Bible camp, leading groups and worship at college, etc. And yet, I wondered how this prep could really prepare for the long journey that seminary was going to be. Looking back on it, I really didn't know what I was getting myself into in both cases. But I was there and I was in it for the long haul, 26.2 miles in one case and 4 years of grad school in the other.

The first half of my first year I remember feeling like I was at mile marker 1 and wondering how the heck I was going to make it another 25.2 miles. There were hard core marathon runners all around me, people were sprinting ahead of me, and people seemed to have this confident swagger about their run. I on the other hand was tentative, unsure, and scared that I had gotten in way over my head. The excitement wore off and instead I was left with a feeling of dread. Was I really supposed to be doing this? I'm not sure my body was built for this? How in the world can I fit in with all these other people who definitely look like they were made for this? But, at the same time, as all these doubts were running through my head I was well aware that it was just mile 1 and I had plenty more time down the road to figure that out.

I remember hitting my stride around mile 7. The adrenaline had wore off but I had a good pace going and I was feeling really good! The second half of my first year and second year of seminary were like this. I finally was feeling confident enough to speak up in class, I was starting to "get" the assignments. Pieces were falling into place for internship and I was excited about how this might all turn out.

I actually really enjoyed the mid-part of the marathon. When you hit mile 13.1 you have a good idea of how you might finish and as I looked at the clock I was ecstatic. I might actually finish the with a faster time than I had thought. Internship was like this for me. You get a small taste of what the finish might look like and for me, that finish was amazing! Time flew during that year or the next 7 miles. It was a wonderful year and it made me that much more excited to finish up and finally reach my goal.

However, before the finish came mile 20, The Wall, the last year of seminary, where all the endorphins have worn off, where everything has lost its luster, and all you have is yourself to push you that last 6.2 miles to the finish. And to make it worse, right after you hit the wall you have a huge hill to climb. That's how the Twin Cities Marathon was set up. You hit mile marker 20 and then have to go from the lowest elevation of the course to the highest in a very short amount of distance. For me, I hit that hill right when I got back and bit off more than I could chew with CPE and classes. However, the funny thing is I've always negotiated these massive, steep uphill runs easily when it comes to both running and life. I guess I just see the challenge and gladly meet it head on because well, it's easy to see the endpoint in that case and you know it's just a short uphill jaunt and it will soon be finished.

However, where I am now is different than that. It's one of those long, unrelenting, gradual hills that came at mile marker 24 and I'm just so ready to be done. My body and mind are yelling at me to just be done with it already. They can't take any more abuse. They can't exegete passages on words like Paraclete and dissect systematic theology anymore. I feel like I'm being asked to sprint this last 6 some miles of the marathon and I'm just not feeling it.

And yet, the tension is that I'm also so close to that finish. It's that I've got people surrounding me who have been through that same grueling 24 miles and are also close to the finish too. It's that I've had people on the sidelines the entire way. It's that I've spent way too much time and effort even before the race started to quit. It's that my will won't let me give in to my apathy. It's that it's only a measly 2.2 more miles.

Even though I may have walked a lot of my last 6.2 miles in the marathon and am doing a whole heck of a lot of walking this last year of seminary, I'm still going to finish. There's no way I can't at this point. There's no way I won't let myself. And I think when I'm done with my classes on May 14 and have all my course work turned in on May 16, I'll finally be able to see that finish line. And I still remember bursting into joyous tears when I came over the hill on Summit and saw the Capital and the finish. It's going to be a wonderful feeling.

And I know that for us as seniors, we will be finishing up the first of many marathons. But the great thing about finishing a marathon is that you know you can do it and if need be, you can do it again. Mile 24 be damned, I'll see you in 6 weeks mile 26.2!!!!!