In All Honesty...

...I'm tired and I'm desperately need this semester to be over. Now, this isn't your usual finals-induced rants that comes at the end of every semester. This semester has been completely different than any other I've experienced. In other words, I bit off a bit more than I could chew. This from the girl who finished up 6 classes, worked 20 hours a week, led worship, captained a soccer team, and managed to have a pretty sweet social life right before she left for internship.

But, I've pretty much got one class finished which leaves me with a group presentation, 7-8 page paper, another 15 page paper, and some various CPE stuff. I'm almost there...

On a lighter note, I got approved this week which means that I'm done with my last hoop in the candidacy process (the process that decides whether or not we're suitable to become a pastor). They asked some hard questions (under what circumstances would you ask someone in your congregation to leave the church?) but they still passed me even though I stumbled through parts of the interview.

Also, last night the seminary had a barn dance (think square dance) and it was an absolute riot! I somehow ended up with a cowboy hat on for the entire night and even got paid for the night through my work at the student services office. I also made the President of Luther dance with me. It was hilarious. Pictures will most likely be forthcoming.

By the Way...

...next year I will be going to Region 3 (the midwest so Minneapolis, St. Paul, or Eastern ND), Region 2 (the southwest so California, Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Wyoming, Nevada), or Region 9 (the southeast so North Carolina). And for those of you who have been following this for awhile, you all know what that last preference may mean. The funny thing was, as much as I thought that putting those down on my forms would be a huge deal and a reason to panic well, it was actually really easy. I think I've known for awhile what I wanted and needed to put so it all went fairly smooth when it came to that point. So, now I get to wait till Feb.

In the meantime, I'm trying to work past the apathy I'm feeling toward the end of this semester. I have three weeks left and am finding it hard to really care that much. I know what I have to do (I made an extensive list of all that is standing between me and freedom) but actually working up the motivation to do it is another story. Hence why I'm sitting in the library writing a blog entry. But, only three more weeks of the semester from hell. And you know, as much as I complain, I am grateful for the way everything has worked out this semester. I have a great CPE group, my friends and family have been nothing but supportive, and I actually have really good classes.

Oh, and it's snowing out! I'm trying to relearn how to drive in the snow after a year in the South but thankfully I have a Subaru with very handy all-wheel drive. But, it's beautiful and I do love it here! Now, all I need to do is finish this sermon and then I can go out and play in the snow.

Assignment Part III

Well, it's official. The forms are in the [e-] mail and all of this is officially out of my hands and in the hands of God and the ELCA bishops. And you know, it feels really hard to believe. I mean, all of this seems really hard to believe. Here I am, a senior at seminary, getting ready to finally go out and do what I knew I was supposed to do with my life nearly nine years ago. Yeah, that's right, I knew that I was supposed to be a pastor when I was 17 (but I ran from this whole thing for about four years). And it's weird being the expert at seminary as a senior. People ask for your advice on the internship process, classes, and profs. I'm still not used to that. It feels like I just started this whole crazy process yesterday.

But, it's a great feeling to know that I'm that much closer to being done, to being out there in a church for more than a year, to finally put everything that I've learned to use. I don't know if I'm completely ready but then again, I don't think you can ever really be ready for something like this. I just keep on trusting, praying, hoping, and knowing that the best is yet to come.

My professor's reaction to finding out that I was his assisting minister in chapel at seminary = "You are so lucky that I could get fired for dressing a student up like an elf."

Assignment Part II

I am almost finished with my assignment paperwork!!! It really seems hard to believe that these forms will largely determine the next 3+ years of my life. I can't say how good it feels to almost be done though. I spent most of my Thanksgiving break working on these papers. In fact, the only day I took off was Thanksgiving itself. Wow, that's depressing. But it feels wonderful to almost have it all done. And I think that's how it's supposed to feel. I'm glad I'm excited about this, not just because it means that I have one less thing to worry about, but instead because it means I'm step closer to being out in the parish.

The one last thing I have to finish before I send this in: regional preferences. I will have my choices posted later this week. :)

Assignment Part I

(I'm going to warn you right off the bat, these next few weeks will be full of musings about my future and the all important assignment paperwork. So bear with me through this process...)

I’m starting down my assignment paperwork right now. I have all the questions in front of me and I have all my answer outlined. However, I have yet to take all my bullet-points and turn them into coherent sentences (as if anyone could make sense of “called to a big job, but we have support, first from God (we are empowered by the HS), work ourselves out of a job). It’s a daunting task to say the least. I remember talking to one of my friends about this during his senior year, two years ago. He said he was having a hard time trusting that the Holy Spirit could work through all this paperwork. I’m finding myself in the same position.

To start, I have no idea what some of the questions are asking. Describe how persons and events shaped your approach to parish ministry. Alright, what if my approach to ministry changes due to the context? Another pet peeve: some of the questions seem to be asking the same thing. Finish this statement: I serve faithfully by… I live out my faith in this way… I answered one and then look at the next question and went, well, I already answered that in the first question. It seems so crazy that the next three years of my life are largely determined by questions such as these.

However, at the same time, I know that this is not the end all. Either way, I will be assigned to a synod (an area of the country) and as long as the bishop is on the ball, I will have interviews with churches. I will be able to meet with people face-to-face. And I will be able to finally be a full-fledged pastor.

As daunting as all this paperwork is for me, I know that it’s an exciting opportunity. This is what I have known deep down that I am supposed to be doing, ever since my youth pastor nonchalantly told me as a 17 year old that I would become a youth pastor someday. So, here goes nothing!

Random Thoughts

Some random thoughts for the day:

-I have to finish my assignment paperwork and put down my preferences for regions and synods (where I want to go for my first call as a pastor) in less than a month. Holy ___! Where am I thinking right now? In no particular order: the Southwest (California, Colorado, Wyoming, Utah), Washington, Oregon, Maryland-Delaware, Metro D.C. and believe it or not, the Twin Cities and Eastern North Dakota (yeah, I know, WTF?). We'll see what actually goes down on my paper work. Even thought it doesn't seem like there's going to be much time between now and then, a lot can happen (just look at this past week, whew!).

-Why does everything have to happen at once? Seriously. It's not been one major thing happening these past few weeks but just a bunch of smaller yet very dramatic things that have meant my emotions have been all over the place. Arg.

-I was all excited to start the new week with a lighter load of homework and then, when I'm finally relaxing on Monday night at 9:00 p.m. and I get called into the hospital. Apparently there's no rest for the weary since this was my second on-call emergency within the week. And I'm paying to be put through this...

-I'm always surprised at how the little, unexpected things can bring joy to my life. A random phone call to a friend turns into a great conversation. My roommate's cat decides to snuggle with me. Finding a friend who is just as passionate about something as you and talking shop all of a sudden becomes something you look forward to.

This week has been full of highs and lows, along the same line as last week. I keep on looking forward to the future and hope. Sometimes that's all I can do.

Conflicted

Today was a good day. The earlier posts speaks to why it was good. But today was also a day of conflicting emotions. Heck, this year has been a year of conflicting emotions. I got news today that one of my seminary classmates was diagnosed with acute leukemia. I do not know all the details right off the bat but I do know that he started chemo today, they're doing aggressive treatment which means the cancer is most likely aggressive, and he has a family. Along with the news is the story of Katherine Ann Olson, a young adult in the area that was murdered recently. I found out that she also had a lot of connections to the seminary and the community was also feeling that death. Then there is my work as a chaplain, encountering people facing death, cancer, chronic illness, and no explanation for why they are feeling pain and no cure for what they are facing. There are also those around me facing divorce, heart break, heart ache, a major surgery, and lots of questions about how this is all going to end.

There is a lot of pain out there. This past week I've walked and talked with people experiencing pain. I've felt pain myself in watching these stories play out. We are all affected by it. There's no escaping it.

And today I was met with something quite unexpected. I was met with joy as I looked toward my future and saw hope. I was met with joy as the fact that I will someday be a Lutheran Pastor, perhaps in one of these synods that visited today. And yet, I somehow felt guilty about this experience. One of my classmates should have been with us today, even if he already has his first call together. Here I was, able to look at my future with hope, joy, and high expectations and here I'm sure he and his family were rewriting their story and their future was no longer sure.

With so much pain surrounding us, I wonder if I really have the right to celebrate. Is this joy a fluke? Can I truly feel joy in the midst of all this pain, questioning, and uncertainty?

Well, apparently I can because today I did feel joy. And maybe that's exactly what we need in the midst of this pain and suffering. Because you know, the pain is never going to completely go away and suffering unfortunately is also a certainty in life. What I found today was that I needed to remember that there is hope and joy in the world and that I could experience it in the midst of all the crap that is going on around me. And maybe that hope and joy is more potent because I am aware of how precious it is; I am aware of what a gift joy and hope are. I was also reminded of the need to surround myself with those things that give me joy whether it be my friends or family and also to do those things that give me joy such journal, listen to music, or spending time at church. If we cut ourselves off from those things that bring us joy in the first place, we aren't doing ourselves any favors. We cannot feel guilty in these situations. The pain already runs so deep we only make it worse if we start beating ourselves up for laughing, living for the moment, sharing in fellowship, or looking forward with hope. It will often be these things that carry us through the pain, that help us heal, that help us move forward.

It's always a balancing act. As I face both pain and joy in my life and in the life of those who surround me, I try to keep both in sight. If I lose the pain, then I lose the meaningfulness of true hope and true joy. If I lose hope and joy, then I will sink into despair. I know that I err to one side or the other, depending on the day. But I have to keep at it. I have no choice. And I keep living life and taking one day at a time, knowing that it will invariably be filled with both. It's all I can do sometimes. And it makes days like today that much more precious.

The Real Thing

Happy Halloween/Reformation Day. Yes, October 31 is the very day that Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses on a door at Wittenberg. It's good stuff!

Today was a momentous day for and the rest of the senior class at seminary for another reason. Bishops from six different synods and regions of the ELCA from all over the country were here visiting. Now, after we graduate from seminary we do not go out and get to look for a call as a pastor at anyplace we want. Instead, we are asked to put down preferences of where we would like to take our first call. Some people are allowed to restrict depending on medical conditions, spouses with jobs, houses, etc. I am not one of these people. So, I put my life in the hands of the ELCA Bishops who will pick me from a pool of seminary candidates from all eight different ELCA seminaries. They will decide where I do ministry for the next three or so years of my life.

So today I put on the power suit (taking a page from my East Coast friend who said that their fear was always being the least dressed up person in the room) and came to seminary not quite knowing what to expect. What I found were six individuals who were very dedicated to God, the church, the mission of the church, and outreach. We did a panel discussion, ate lunch with them, and then got a chance to talk with them on a more individual basis.

The experience was invigorating! There were so many creative ways that people were doing ministry that it was a breath of fresh air. The bishops also seemed very supportive of those called to their area for first call. They wanted to talk to us and get to know us. They were well spoken, patient, and passionate.

So here I was, staring at my future in the church: hearing about what opportunities there were out there in the church, hearing about the challenges that were facing the church, and some of the creative ways that people were looking to reach out to those who had never heard about God or Jesus. I should have been terrified. Instead, I couldn't wait to start! In a semester full of case studies, scenarios, and missing being in a church, here was a hard dose of reality. You're going to be out there in less than a year. It's not school. It's not going to be easy. It's actually going to be really hard. But, I finally saw myself in someplace new, I saw myself at these synods, I saw myself at places like NW Washington, Delaware-Maryland, and even Eastern ND. I was no longer just thinking about these preferences as geographical points on a map, instead, they were places that need pastors, that need people who are passionate about preaching the Gospel, that need leadership that will raise up leadership among the people.

Today, I got a glimpse of my future in the church and I can't wait!

Just a Game But Not

Found this article on ESPN.com and thought I'd share it because it's really good and I'm sure will be a sermon illustration someday down the line.

Baseball's Only a Game to Real-Life Survivors Lester, Cook
By Gene Wojciechowski

DENVER -- Jon Lester had cancer. Lymphoma, to be exact, but cancer. Whatever the exact name, you don't want it. The same goes for blood clots. Aaron Cook can tell you all about them. He had them in his lungs.

Sunday evening, in Game 4 of the World Series, a cancer survivor and a blood clot survivor will take turns on the Coors Field mound. Lester can give the Boston Red Sox their second world championship (and second sweep) in the past four years. Cook can keep the Colorado Rockies from becoming a postseason footnote and oh-fer victim.

Two pitchers. Two men who weren't entirely sure -- how could they be? -- that they'd ever play baseball again. And now one of them can help end a World Series and the other can help extend it.

"You know, I'm just trying to take it as another start, trying not to look at it as anything extra than that," said quiet, unassuming Lester.

But it isn't just another start, is it? A World Series is at stake, but what makes it an extraordinary night is the convergence of circumstances that brings Lester and Cook to this moment.

"I don't think it's a coincidence," said Rockies manager Clint Hurdle. "I think this game drips with irony at different times for different reasons, and it's not just because of the game or the manager matching pitchers."

Maybe, as Hurdle said, "God's fingerprints" were all over this one. Or maybe it was simply two guys who got lucky. Whatever the reasons, they're here.

Neither player was a lock to start Game 4. Lester wasn't added to the Red Sox rotation until a shoulder and back injury to veteran knuckleballer Tim Wakefield forced manager Terry Francona to reluctantly drop Wakefield from the World Series roster. The decision to use Cook wasn't made until he convinced Hurdle he had recovered sufficiently from an oblique injury.

"It is kind of ironic with him going through what he went through and me what I went through, both of us to work our way back to the top level of professional baseball," Cook said. "It's tough enough to get here, and what we've been through just to keep our focus, keep our faith and just realize … that baseball is not the most important thing."

But it's the thing that kept them going. Lester was first diagnosed with a rare form of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma in September 2006, near the end of his wonderful rookie season. He began chemotherapy that same month, and by December, his doctors no longer could detect any cancer.

The Red Sox hoped for the best. Lester didn't. He said he never considered a scenario that would prevent him from complete recovery, from imagining a moment like the one he'll experience Sunday night at Coors Field.

"That's not my mentality," Lester said. "I'm a competitor. I don't want to be down with anything. I just try to take that mentality into it. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Don't sit at home and think about it."

So he went fishing. He hunted. "I just tried to do that and keep my mind off the other stuff and tried to be as normal as I could," he said.

Normal to Lester is playing baseball. The Red Sox admired his optimism, but they weren't counting on anything. Even when Lester arrived at spring training, the team's expectations were simple: Expect nothing. Anything else would be a pleasant surprise.

"What he went through was a very difficult winter, I'm sure, for he and his family," said Red Sox manager Terry Francona. "He handled it with grace, a lot of dignity, a lot of perseverance, and because of that [and] some really neat medical people, the fact that we're even talking about baseball is really awesome. I think before Jon picked up a ball this year, it was already a successful year."

Lester began the season with Class A Greenville. Then Triple-A Pawtucket. His 2007 big league debut didn't come until July 23 against the Cleveland Indians, when he won a major league game for the first time since Aug. 23, 2006. You could hear the cheers all the way back from his hometown of Puyallup, Wash.

The guy is undefeated in the majors this season. One more win and the Red Sox break out the swim goggles and start spraying champagne.

"Last year, I didn't really get a chance to enjoy what was going on, and being up in the big leagues, being a part of every kid's dream and playing up there with these guys," Lester said. "I took a lot of things for granted last year and beat myself up over little things. This year, I've tried to just have fun, treat it like a game, like a kid's game, have fun doing it, and I think it's helped out quite a bit."

It also helps to be healthy. Cook knows the feeling.

During a late 2004 start, he experienced dizziness on the mound. Doctors discovered that one of his ribs was pressing against a vein and that the odd condition was creating life-threatening blood clots. He wouldn't pitch again for nearly a year.

Cook recovered. He returned in 2005 and won six consecutive games. His story was as inspirational as Lester's is now.

"There's a verse in the Bible that says, 'Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because testing of your faith develops perseverance,'" said Cook, the Rockies' 2007 Opening Day starter. "That's one verse I really held on to."

Cook and the Rockies face the postseason's most difficult trial: an 0-3 deficit and the sobering truth that they have to win four consecutive games against a Red Sox team on a 7-0 World Series victory run. They'll need more than faith to do that. They'll need Cook to last longer than the 2 2/3 innings starter Josh Fogg (10 hits, six runs) lasted in Saturday night's 10-5 loss.

Otherwise, when the Coors Field public-address announcer asks the crowd for its fourth-inning music request, as he did a night earlier, the crowd might ask for "Taps."

Cook won't have it easy. The Rockies have scored a grand total of seven runs in three games. And because of the muscle strain, he was left off the NLCS roster and hasn't pitched in a big league game since Aug. 10.

"I feel pretty comfortable with where I'm at, and [Sunday night] will be the real test," Cook said. "It's the biggest stage."

Funny, Lester said the same thing. Figures. Survivors are like that.