Conflicted

Today was a good day. The earlier posts speaks to why it was good. But today was also a day of conflicting emotions. Heck, this year has been a year of conflicting emotions. I got news today that one of my seminary classmates was diagnosed with acute leukemia. I do not know all the details right off the bat but I do know that he started chemo today, they're doing aggressive treatment which means the cancer is most likely aggressive, and he has a family. Along with the news is the story of Katherine Ann Olson, a young adult in the area that was murdered recently. I found out that she also had a lot of connections to the seminary and the community was also feeling that death. Then there is my work as a chaplain, encountering people facing death, cancer, chronic illness, and no explanation for why they are feeling pain and no cure for what they are facing. There are also those around me facing divorce, heart break, heart ache, a major surgery, and lots of questions about how this is all going to end.

There is a lot of pain out there. This past week I've walked and talked with people experiencing pain. I've felt pain myself in watching these stories play out. We are all affected by it. There's no escaping it.

And today I was met with something quite unexpected. I was met with joy as I looked toward my future and saw hope. I was met with joy as the fact that I will someday be a Lutheran Pastor, perhaps in one of these synods that visited today. And yet, I somehow felt guilty about this experience. One of my classmates should have been with us today, even if he already has his first call together. Here I was, able to look at my future with hope, joy, and high expectations and here I'm sure he and his family were rewriting their story and their future was no longer sure.

With so much pain surrounding us, I wonder if I really have the right to celebrate. Is this joy a fluke? Can I truly feel joy in the midst of all this pain, questioning, and uncertainty?

Well, apparently I can because today I did feel joy. And maybe that's exactly what we need in the midst of this pain and suffering. Because you know, the pain is never going to completely go away and suffering unfortunately is also a certainty in life. What I found today was that I needed to remember that there is hope and joy in the world and that I could experience it in the midst of all the crap that is going on around me. And maybe that hope and joy is more potent because I am aware of how precious it is; I am aware of what a gift joy and hope are. I was also reminded of the need to surround myself with those things that give me joy whether it be my friends or family and also to do those things that give me joy such journal, listen to music, or spending time at church. If we cut ourselves off from those things that bring us joy in the first place, we aren't doing ourselves any favors. We cannot feel guilty in these situations. The pain already runs so deep we only make it worse if we start beating ourselves up for laughing, living for the moment, sharing in fellowship, or looking forward with hope. It will often be these things that carry us through the pain, that help us heal, that help us move forward.

It's always a balancing act. As I face both pain and joy in my life and in the life of those who surround me, I try to keep both in sight. If I lose the pain, then I lose the meaningfulness of true hope and true joy. If I lose hope and joy, then I will sink into despair. I know that I err to one side or the other, depending on the day. But I have to keep at it. I have no choice. And I keep living life and taking one day at a time, knowing that it will invariably be filled with both. It's all I can do sometimes. And it makes days like today that much more precious.