Approval

We all are looking for approval. Let's face it, no matter how humble or modest we try to be, getting that "good job," A on a paper or test, or that extra pat on the back always feels nice. It let's us know that we are doing something right in our life.

Right now I am in the process of writing the "approval essay" for my ordination process for the Lutheran Church. It's a 20 paper that includes writing a sermon, exegesis (meaning a paper on the text talking about the Greek and historical context, etc. I think, I'm still not quite sure what the word means), and talking about the historical aspects of the topic. The topics for this year: the Trinity.

Let me say, this has been a painful process so far. It's been awhile since I've written a paper like this. I've been used to keeping it simple whether I've been writing on this blog or typing up a sermon. My sermons are usually free from theological jargon and words that show that I've learned something in seminary, yet, mean nothing to the people in the congregation. All of a sudden, I've found myself thrust back into the world of academia. I have to prove that I've learned something, that I know how to write a sermon and exegete a passage (even though I'm not quite sure what I'm doing is right, much less good). And of course, everything hinges on this paper.

It's called the approval essay for a good reason. This is perhaps the most important paper I will ever write. If I get approved, that A, that extra pat on the back and the "good job," it means I'll be ordained as a Lutheran pastor at the end of the year. If I don't get approved, that means I'll have to wait and probably write another one of these torturous papers.

And yet, this past year I've learned there is more to life as a pastor than papers and being able to discuss what the Greek term for "bear, carry" really means. Ministry does involve the head yes, but it also involves the heart and I guess the biggest problem that I see with the approval essay is that there's little room for that part of ministry in the 20 page essay.

But enough of my complaining, it's all a means to an end. Though it's tough being back in academia, there are also joys about writing the paper. It helps this upstanding lifelong student realize that she doesn't need school anymore. It gives my returning friends a common topic to discuss and complain about. It shows me that I've grown from a follower who always kept her head down and followed instructions to someone a bit wiser who is no longer afraid to question authority. And who knows, I might end up with a great sermon series that I can use in the church when this is all done: "Three In What? Making Sense of the Trinity." If I leave the approval essay with just that and my approval, I'd say that's not too shabby.

Joy and Tears

12 hours, 7 states (North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Indiana and Illinois), half of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on CD, 2 vanilla cokes, and a Dr. Pepper later I find myself in Danville, Illinois staying at a pretty decent hotel for the night. It's hard to believe that at 7:30 in the morning I threw the rest of the bags in my little Subaru and left the place that I have called home for the past year. I'm not quite sure where the time went.

I knew that leaving Charlotte was going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done and I was right. But I also experienced more than tears and sadness my last weekend in Charlotte; I experienced immense joy. This just wasn't about me leaving, it was about celebrating what God had done through everyone to make this a very successful and fulfilling internship.

Sunday really showed me in a huge way how much bigger God is than me and my actions. The more I talked to people, the more I heard their reflections on my internship and when they talked about the impact I had on the church I realized that I couldn't take credit for it. What was going on this year was so much bigger than me. God is huge and he is big enough to take this imperfect pastor wannabe and use her to sustain a high school youth program, build a young adult group, and learn and grow and both impact and be impacted by the people around her.

Of course, I spent most of my last Sunday running around like crazy. I had the services, a reception, and then I planned the youth worship service for the night and we were trying something new, something inspired by my summers as a camp counselor. And it was a lot to pull off in a little time. But, somewhere in the chaos, it all came together. And what surprised me was that in saying goodbye to the high school and middle school youth there were not any tears shed. Instead, it was a different feeling than the tears of sadness in the morning that had both marked the sadness of saying goodbye and celebrating the relationships built. It was a feeling of the complete joy I've had working with these youth for the last six months of my internship. These youth have brought so much joy into my lives I couldn't even think about crying when I was hugging them and celebrating a year and summer well spent together. It seemed the perfect way to end my time with them.

As I head on my way home to my final year of seminary, I go bolstered in my sense of call. This year I found out that I could really do this, that I could be a youth pastor at a large, growing, missional congregation. Heck, that's essentially what I did for the last half of my internship. The gift I received from the staff was the a framed Bible verse written in beautiful calligraphy: Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" As I leave this place I go knowing that I have a call into the greater world. And I can only hope and pray that I'll find my way back there one of these days (I think I'll be taking a break during spring to visit next year). And until them, I will carry the joy and love that this congregation has given me in my heart for the rest of my days.

And because blogs are more fun with pictures...

The praise band I helped lead for Summer Praise.

The young adults group.

The high school youth group.

Better Is One Day

I have recently become hooked on a "new" song. Truth be told, it's kinda old, as in I remember first learning it in high school (which means it was at least 8 years ago, that's depressing). It's the Kutless version of "Better Is One Day." As of lately, I've been leading the high school praise band for our Sunday night fellowship/worship time called Summer Praise. I've absolutely loved doing it because well, music is one of my things. I work with a great group of people to put the songs together every week. However, they definitely have the taste for more of a rock style music which is a bit different than the camp, acoustic worship songs. So I've been trying to expand my horizons. I came across Kutless quite randomly. In fact, I think I've had their stuff on my computer for most of the year but didn't start listening to it till this summer. And I've fallen in love with their praise and worship album Strong Tower which is rock at heart.

My favorite cut off it it happens to be the song "Better Is One Day." The other people in the band hadn't heard the song before so we spent a lot of time this week running it, especially since we were playing with it, trying to get down parts and the beat, mixing things up, and what not. We were trying to do it in a very similar fashion to the album version and slowly but surely it came together. It's a powerful song when you're just doing it with a guitar and we definitely crank it up to another level with the band.

Tonight we got the chance to crank it out for worship and it was great. One of the curses of being a worship leader and being, well, me and being hyper sensitive to everything that's going on around me and also making sure everyone in the band is on the same page, that I'm singing the right words, that I'm playing the right words, and so on and so forth, well, it's hard to get lost in the music and worship like I'm used to during worship. This is the curse of being a worship leader whether I'm in front of a group of high school and middle school youth or in front of the congregation on any given Sunday. It's always a struggle to worship and to lead at the same time. Living in that tension often seems to leave me unsatisfied with both aspects of my worship life.

And yet, tonight, I totally felt it. Tonight, I lost myself in the words and the meaning behind the song. I'm not sure what was different. But, that's the thing about music, it can move you at unexpected times. And in this moment, this song spoke to me.

I expect has something to do with the fact that I now only have one week left at my internship site. I now find that time is precious. That every hour of every day needs to be spent wisely. And I also realize how precious my time has been here. It's not necessarily precious because of what I've done here or because of what other people have done for me. Instead, it's because at this place I have truly felt God. I have realized that these days have been special because of what God has done. They are special because I have truly felt Gods' presence, that I have been in his house and his courts while I've been here. I have stood on holy ground here whether it's been on the altar in the sanctuary, behind the pulpit in the gym aka Spirit Hall, on the beaches at St. John's Island for Habitat, the streets of New York City with the Experience Tour, the slopes of WV skiing with the youth, or the tile floor of the fellowship hall where we hold Summer Praise each week. God has been present in every place and I have felt like I've been standing in his courts and his house and that has been what has made each day so valuable. It is in these places and on these days that I've experience the Gospel, the love and grace of God in a very real and tangible way.

This song also reminds me of the very real need of God. For it is in God's presence that I am truly satisfied. It is there that I find grace, love, and hope. It is there that I can throw off all the sin that I carry around, all the burdens of worrying about what promises to be one of the toughest transitions of my life. It is in God's presence that I find myself in the shadow of the cross and am reminded of how much I have been given in spite of the fact that I deserve none of it. It's humbling and it gives me peace and comfort.

The funny thing is that this past year that I have found God's presence most often in the company of others. This experience has been something to be shared and has been magnified in the company of others. Though I have had my moments in solitude, the joy seems to be multiplied when I have been with others. And that reminds me of the importance of sharing this with others, of sharing these experiences with others.

And all of this is not to say that God isn't present at all times because he certainly is. In Psalm 121 it says that he who watches over us neither slumbers nor sleeps and I very much believe it. However, I believe there are those moments where we are made aware of God's presence is felt more than others maybe because we're more open to it, we're more in need, or he simply chooses to reveal himself to us in an unexpected way. I don't pretend to understand it all, I simply trust that God is present and that sometimes I get a glimpse of what it will be like to be in his courts and his house for eternity.

Better is one day in your courts
Better is one day in your house
Better is one day in your courts
Than thousands elsewhere.

Close to Home

I can't see something like this and not be deeply affected. This is my hometown. I will be moving back there in two short weeks. I might have even driven over that bridge to get home. It seems like these tragedies that grab the news are all getting closer to home for me. There was Virginia Tech this past year which is close enough to Charlotte that I could feel the very immediate effect. There was the steam pipe explosion in NYC this past July. I happened to be 5 blocks away from that very explosion and was walking around in the midst of the chaos and worries that their worse fear had come true again. And now there is the bridge collapsing. I might have been on that bridge on the way to the Twins game if I had been in the Twin Cities. No lie! Wednesdays are half price upper general admission night which I don't pass up often.

It's all very surreal. In all honesty I had to look up the bridge on the map because I had driven over it so many times that I didn't even really think about the fact I was driving over a bridge. And you know, that's how it's supposed to be. We aren't supposed to expect the worst when we do everyday stuff like go to class, walk around the city, drive home from work, etc. And that's perhaps what's the most frightening thing about all of this. Stuff like this rips away our security. It makes us question everything. Makes the ordinary and mundane something scary. We start questioning everything. And what's more, you can't avoid it. You can't not go to class unless you want to fail it. You need to be able to wander outside of the safety of your house freely. When I get back to MN, I will need to drive over multiple bridges in order to get anywhere.

Right now I'm simply grateful my family is okay. Friends are checking in and I am grateful for all the prayers on concerns of people out there. I know I'm not the only affected by this so for those of you with ties to the Twin Cities, my prayers are with you as well. And I guess I just keep on living life after all of this being painfully aware that stuff like this can happen and it can happen close to home but also that I can't live my life in fear. That I can't stop driving over bridges because of this one incident. Life is not meant to be lived in fear.

I Hate Evaluations!

I'm currently working on my year end evaluation for my internship. Let me say that I hate these things. They ask questions like: "How would you describe your general temperament/disposition as has been experienced in the congregation (e.g. angry, nervous, confident, casual, careless, serious, joyful, flexible, controlling, adaptive, etc.)?" WTF? I have no idea what that means and my supervisor (who is a very smart man) has no idea either. Grr...

I think the hardest thing for me about this is trying to put an entire year's worth of experience, growth, and learning in this very generic format. Rate yourself as a preacher as not yet competent, competent, or exceptional. Yes, I only get those three categories. Everything that I have encountered and experienced during this year goes much deeper than anything that can ever be put on this form and these three categorizations. How much does it really matter whether or not I'm competent or exceptional at leading worship? Granted, thankfully I don't fall into the not yet competent category for any of these but still.

I think the reason I'm having problems with this is it just seems like this form is so generic. I guess it has to be because all of our experiences as interns are so different. I have friends in parishes all around the country and each place is a completely different context. And yet I feel like nothing that I can write on this form will truly speak to my experience here this past year. How nothing I can write will ever be able to describe the sureness I have about my call to be a youth pastor. How there's no room on the form to qualify those moments like when I was on the Experience tour and we sang at the African-American non-denominational church and I felt the Holy Spirit in a huge way. How there is place for me to say that this church is where I made sense.

Of course, this could just be me complaining but let me say, I will be happy when I'm finally done hoop jumping and have officially been ordained (granted then I'm sure there's a whole new set of hoops but at least I'm getting paid to do what I love). Now back to the form that's already 8 pages and I'm only 2/3 of the done...

Defining Moments

This was the title for my sermon yesterday, my final sermon of the year. I would actually label preaching yesterday as a defining moment of my internship. Here it is, my favorite sermon from the year...

I’ve always had this random fascination with t-shirts with clever sayings on them. And believe it or not, the Christian contingent has put out their fair share of humorous t-shirts. There are shirts that declare, “Organ Music Rocks” and identify the wearer as a “Lutheran Stud” or “Lutheran Chick.” My favorite t-shirts are ones that either proclaim “Luther is my homeboy” or “My pastor can beat your pastor to a pulpit.”

Now many of these t-shirts have more profound sayings on them that make you do more than just chuckle. I saw one such shirt when I was at King’s Fest, a Christian music festival at King’s Dominion Amusement Park this past month. An adult a couple rows in front of me was wearing a shirt that said, “Live your life so the pastor doesn’t have to lie at your funeral.” I laughed a little when I first saw it but then it got me thinking. And as I sat down to start brainstorming about my final sermon the shirt came back to me again. Though this is not a funeral, it is ushering in an end. And at the root of the statement written on that t-shirt is the question: in the end, how do you want to be remembered? My internship is over in a very short two weeks and then I head back to MN to finish up one more year of seminary. And I find myself asking very similar questions. What will y’all say about me as I close my internship here? What will I remember the most about internship? What have I learned during my tenure here? The answers to these questions and more can be found in the defining moments of my internship: those moments, expected or unexpected, that showed me faith, grace, and hope.

We have all experienced moments of faith. They are the periods where we are peering over the edge of cliff into the unknown. Moments where we know the only way is to jump into the depths and pray for the best. They require a leap of faith. These moments always involve a bit of risk and a lot of trust in God.

For me, the first moment of faith was my first public appearance as the intern. The pastors meet at 7:30 on Sundays to go over the service order and who’s doing what. It was Sunday, August 13 and it was my first meeting. In fact, it was my very first Sunday. I came in assuming that I would simply get to sit and be introduced as the new intern and that would be it. But, of course, Scott had other plans. I was going to do the Prayer of the Day and the Apostle’s creed. Now, I’ve always said throwing me off the deep end was the best way for me to learn but I didn’t expect to jump on my very first day! I apparently was going to have to take the plunge earlier than expected. The 8:45 service was my first test, the first thing I was going to be judged on by the staff, my internship committee, and the congregation. I took a deep breath and dove in. In that moment I let the words of the prayer of the day carry me and my voice. My role has brought me to utter many other words and phrases in front of the congregation beyond “let us pray.” However, it was with these three tiny words that I started my time at Christ Lutheran. It is with these words that I found my voice, the voice I would use to preach on predestination, teach about Christ figures in movies, join with a choir of 60 high schoolers on the Experience tour, pray with people in the hospital, chant on Sunday mornings, sing I Don’t Know How to Love Him for Faith on Broadway, lead worship for Summer Praise, and more throughout the year.

The moments of faith that shape us the most are usually the ones that require the biggest risk, the longest jump, the most daring. For me this past year that has been taking the reigns of the high school youth program as interim youth director. I always said before internship started that my dream job was to be the youth pastor at a church not unlike that of Christ Lutheran. However, I hardly thought I would have the chance to do just that this year. I had barely done anything with the high schoolers during the beginning of the year because Scott and I had decided that it would be best that I concentrate on other areas of ministry since I had had the most experience with high school ministry. And all of a sudden I was given the daunting task of maintaining an already vibrant ministry. And even though Scott and I had discussed it at length, I was still shocked when he announced this change to the new Church Council in February. Though it was scary, I knew I had to step up to the plate because this was too important to not give it my all. And this jump led to other leaps of faith. Planning and executing the beach retreat, summer praise, the Experience tour, and King’s Fest were just a few leaps that I made.

And most of these leaps turned out fine. I landed on the other side relatively unscathed and got affirmation in my call to someday be a youth pastor. However, there have been times where the leap has not been so smooth. Times where I have faltered. Times where things did not go according to plan, times when I screwed up because of my arrogance or ignorance to some detail. And yet, it is in these moments that I’ve found grace; moments of grace. They are moments of undeserved love and forgiveness; they are the gift of a second chance. These moments have been many throughout the year and are as simple as letting me get back up in the pulpit after a not so great sermon, not laughing too hard when I forget how the benediction goes, or the fact that no one videotaped the unfortunate time where Pastor Jon, Jeff and I were forced to sing Britney Spear’s “Oops I Did It Again” for karaoke on the high school ski retreat.

Not even a month ago I found myself on the brink of failure. Jeff and I had been planning on taking the middle and high school youth group to King’s Fest, a Christian music festival at King’s Dominion Amusement park, for months. It was a new trip and therefore we were making it up as we went. I felt we were doing fairly well during the planning stages. However, I held off buying tickets to the last minute because we were still waiting on some people to confirm. And you guessed it, one of the days of the show sold out. I had no idea what to do. I had messed up in a big way and I felt like I had let everyone down. It was in the midst of all the chaos that I was met with grace in the form of the willingness of a few of us in the office to come up with a plan B. Though it would cost even more and stretch our budget, they were willing to work with me to make up for my mistake. Though I had messed up in a big way, we were still able to go and I even had several of the youth tell me this their favorite trip. The success of the trip was a moment of grace that reminded me that God can work through imperfect people to turn an impossible jam into the best retreat ever.

Another moment of grace I have experienced at Christ Lutheran was not necessarily triggered by a mistake. It was instead a moment where I received undeserved love and recognition. At the high school ski retreat we gathered in a circle and we each had a candle placed in front of us. There was a candle in the center which represented Christ and each of us was to light a taper off of the Christ candle and go and light another person’s candle in the circle and say a little prayer for them. It was understood that the youth were to light each others candles and the chaperons were to light the other chaperons’ candles. I took my place in the circle and waited and watched. I was surprised when one of the youth came, lit the taper off of the Christ candle, and passed the flame to my candle and said a prayer thanks over me. It was a touching moment for me because I did not know this youth particularly well and felt like I hardly deserved this small act of kindness. I don’t know if he even remembers doing this. But I certainly do. For me, it was a moment of grace, of undeserved love and friendship. And during my time here I have experienced many more of these as I got more deeply entrenched in the ministry here.

As I continued my work with the high school youth, I experienced something else, a new type of moment. I call them moments of hope. They are moments when I get a glimpse of what could be, a glimpse of where everything could lead. I know what people are saying about the youth of this nation. How they are becoming more self-involved, how they are busier and more disconnected than ever, how they are falling away from the church and that because of this the church is on its way to dying out. This is not only those who are in high school and college, these are people my age too. This is my generation. And yet, that’s not what I’ve seen this past year.

One of my tasks this year was to start a young adults group. What I was doing was going to be fighting the current. People my age are the ones that usually fall away from the church and don’t come back. They are the ones that have the hardest time with church and religion. And yet, I found that the situation was not hopeless. I found in my friends the same longing I felt. The longing to be connected to others and the longing to be connected to God. As we talked about our work, asked deep questions about the Bible, got to know each other, and used play-doh to talk about Genesis 1, I saw a spark in this young adults group. There were some extraordinary people in this group, people who wanted to deepen their faith, who wanted a relationship with God, and who wanted to get others involved too. Perhaps I felt the most proud not when we were together in Barnes and Noble drinking coffee and talking about our faith, but instead when a new young adult was visiting and I knew I could count on at least three people from our group to welcome them, introduce themselves, and immediately invite them to the group. It was in seeing this that I knew how important this group, rooted in faith, was and is to them.

I am only here for a short period of time and therefore cannot see everything through. Therefore, I have hopes tied to things I have started here but won’t see finished, the young adults group for example. And in this type of hope, I see potential, potential for it to become something more than what I have helped start. A great example of this is Summer Praise. As I talked through the program with the family ministry team and we started imagining what could be, things snowballed. Suddenly, we saw this, a time for the youth to gather for fellowship, worship, and discipleship, as something that could carry the youth group beyond my internship and into the new building. We were talking large scale and long term. The first week of Summer Praise approached faster than expected. We had adult volunteers to organize, food to order, songs to prepare, dodgeballs to find. I don’t really know whether we were truly ready or not but it came and we did it anyway. And something happened that night, in the midst of worship, pizza, dodgeball, and talking with the youth. I got a glimpse of what could be. I realized that I was a part of something much larger than myself. I would not be here to see where this would all lead. But I knew this was the start of something; I got a glimpse of the bigger picture, the one that involved Pastor Jon, Neil, Jeff, the family ministry team, the new building, and beyond. And the high hopes we had for this ministry didn’t seem to be in vain.

I’m sure I’m not the only one thinking of defining moments right now. I’m sure you’ve come up with some of you own defining moments. And this is something we always do. As we work through life transitions, we are forced to redefine ourselves. I’ll wager a guess and say that many if not all of you are also in a time of transition. Some of you are starting a new year at school or a new school. Some of you are watching your kids grow up and leave home. Some of you are redefining yourselves in new jobs and new relationships. We are all starting new chapters in our lives and as we do so, we reach back into our past to see what defines us.

The moments I mentioned are some of the ones I want to remember and the moments I want to be remembered for when I leave. However, I feel I’m missing something here. All of these moments are important and I hope they have given you a picture of what internship has been for me. However, the moment that defines me the most, is something that took place long before my internship began. You see, the t-shirt got it wrong. “Live your life so the pastor doesn’t have to lie at the funeral?” This statement completely misses the point. As I look back on my life, on my internship, it is not about what I have done on internship and how I have shown faith, grace, and hope or even how you, the congregation has given me moments of faith, grace, and hope. Instead it’s first and foremost about what God has done, what God has done through Jesus on the cross.

As we look at great moments that define us, as Christians the event of the cross stands at the center. And on the hill of Calvary, Jesus wasn’t the only one sentenced to die that fateful day. There were two other thieves on crosses of their own, one on Jesus’ left, the other on his right. One hurled insults at Jesus. The other defended him and asked the other criminal “Do you not fear God? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.” He then said to Jesus, “Remember me in your kingdom.” And Jesus answered him, “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.” This man on the cross next to Jesus had not lived a life defined by moments of faith, grace, and hope. He had most likely lived the life of a criminal filled with shame, guilt, and sin. But that didn’t matter in the end, instead what mattered was the promise Jesus offered him. This man found forgiveness in the midst of being punished for a heinous crime. Jesus offered him life with his own death and the promise of paradise and everlasting life.

Our lives as Christians are defined by moments of faith, grace, and hope and greatest of these moments can be found on the cross. This act is what truly defines us and our lives. It makes no difference whether we are an intern pastor trying to find our way, a high school youth who’s asking some big questions about a life, a new believer who is still trying to figure out the ropes, a long time believer who’s having some big doubts, a person who’s trying to hide from a shady past, or a criminal hung on a cross next to a man who others call the Christ in mockery. This moment, this act on the cross, this work of faith, grace, and hope rooted in the love of God unites us all as believers in the forgiveness of our sins and the promise of paradise.

Even though I have worked hard this past year on internship to live my life the best I can; though I’ve tried to live a life filled with faith, grace, and hope, I still have fallen short. I still am like this criminal, begging for mercy. And God’s promise stands true. Every moment I live is filled with faith, grace, and hope because of what God has done. All of the defining moments of my internship are rooted in this promise, in this moment, in this act that has brought true faith, grace, and hope into my life. It is what has allowed you and me to display and experience faith, grace and hope on my internship.

As you go out into the world, do not live you lives so the pastor doesn’t have to lie at your funeral, do not live your lives trusting in your own actions. Instead, live your life trusting that at your funeral it makes no difference what the pastor says about your life, what matters is what Jesus did on the cross for you and for all of us as believers.

As I leave my internship, I go reminded of God’s faithfulness at times when I have taken the plunge and risked it all. I go reminded of God’s grace through the grace both you and God have shown me through giving me second chances and undeserved love. I go reminded of the hope we have through God through his promises and your dedication to each other and to God in this world. You have truly made Christ known to me through all you have done this past year. Thank you and God bless.

The Beginning of the End

I only have three weeks left on internship. In three weeks I will be saying tearful goodbyes to the staff, packing up as much as I can into my little Subaru, and driving cross country once again. It all snuck up on me. I've been so busy this past month with King's Fest (we took a group to a Christian music festival at King's Dominion Amusement Park) and then vacation at NYC which promised to be both relaxing and draining for various reasons. All of this activity has been the cause for the lack of blogging lately so sorry to those who so faithfully read.

But now I find myself back and trying to process the fact that I only have 21 short days left. I'm in the middle of trying to write my final sermon and for whatever reason, I don't know what to say. Maybe part of me doesn't want to write it because it seems so final. I wonder if this is how JK Rowling felt as she penned the last sentence in Harry Potter (which I just finished but I promise I'm not saying a thing!). Ends always bring mourning and reflection.

I don't know if I would have done much differently. The things that I failed at (a couple of sermons that weren't up to par, budget issues with King's Fest, scheduling snafus) gave me a wonderful opportunity to learn. The things I've been able to shine with (the new youth worship service/fellowship time, the young adults group, various other sermons) have given me vindication in my call to ministry. All in all this experience has taught me that I am indeed pursuing the right career for my life.

There are a lot of us going through transitions out there whether we are making a big move, planning on starting classes, starting or ending a relationship, taking on a new job, or taking a chance at life. In the end I remember that we have a God who promises to watch over us throughout this journey. Today, as we were picking out lessons for my final sermon someone suggested Psalm 121, one of my favorites:

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Here I am reminded that God's love and grace will follow me all of my days, no matter where my journey leads me. As I head home, I remember that no matter where I am and how I have grown and changed, that God's love for me has not changed whether I'm looking up at the lakes of MN, the wooded streets of Charlotte, the mountains of Colorado, the olive trees of Israel, or the vineyards of Italy.

Vacation!

Sorry for the hiatus in posting (although this might be the normal amount of time inbetween posts, I'm not sure). Anyway, right now I'm taking a long overdue vacation by visiting some friends in NYC! It's been a wonderful time so far and I will have details when I get back. :)

Failure Is (Not) An Option

I don't fail often. It's just one of those things the over-achiever in me doesn't like to do. Yet, as I got geared up for my internship year, it was made very clear to us that we would probably fail and this was not a bad thing. Instead, we were told to fail because internship was the time to do so since we would only be with the congregations for a year and they would be the most forgiving. This didn't put my mind to ease though. Fail? What? Me? Inconceivable!

Last week however, I found myself on the brink of failure. The middle school youth director and I (the high school youth director) were planning a trip to King's Fest, a Christian musical festival at King's Dominion Amusement Park in Richmond, VA. It was our first time taking a group there and we were learning the ropes as we went. I took on a lot of the administrative stuff which was a lot trickier than I expected. We were waiting for people to lock in to go from the Middle School (one of my pet peeves, just commit already people!) and then Jeff and I were both out of time which made it nearly impossible to get all the information possible. There weren't as many kids as we hoped coming. We were way over budget. The concert was also for three days and one of the days had sold out, complicating the matter even further.

I was at a loss. I felt awful! The worse feeling in the world for me is letting someone else down and I felt like I had done just that. We were way over budget which doesn't help the church. We weren't going to see Casting Crowns or Kutless who I knew people wanted to see. And I had no idea what to do.

This moment revealed to me some of my greatest on-the-job weaknesses: my willingness to do everything whereas I should have been passing on some of the tasks to other people, not putting my foot down on numbers months ago when all the money was due, not taking a stand on some places where we could have cut costs, living by the "I'll do as much as humanly possible for the trip just because I can" mentality, and my all out stubbornness. I was between a rock and a hard place and spent about 5 hours on the phone last Monday trying to clean up the mess I had made. I spent the rest of the time apologizing to my supervisor about everything and taking the blame.

And found what I hope anyone would find at a church, whether they are a long time member or staff member or a first time visitor in the pew; I found grace. Even though we were already over budget, we were going to go anyway and spend more money to get to the tickets for the two separate days and figure out some way to earn back the funds. And you know, the trip was a huge success. Even though it was a smaller group than we had hoped the youth made up for it in a big way. We had a blast in the park and I had a great time bonding with the youth while we waited in line for the rides and walked around the park together. It was also a great experience on a faith level. The music was incredible and it wasn't just about a band getting up and performing, it was about worship. Between Newsboys, David Crowder, Thousand Foot Krutch, Todd Agnew, and Jeremy Camp we all got a great taste of the best Christian music has to offer. Singing "Amazing Grace" with 10,000 other people was simple breathtaking.

This past week I was reminded that failing is okay, that it's a part of life. I was reminded that I need to realize that I fail, that I fall short because through this I can be reminded of what grace really means. I found grace at my congregation and on the staff in letting us go anyway. I found grace in how the youth loved the trip despite the scheduling snafu that meant we couldn't see one night of shows. I found grace in how despite poor planning God showed up in a big way in so many places that week whether it was through a conversation, singing "Take My Life" by Jeremy Camp and head banging with the other high school youth, or praying with a crowd of 10,000 people.

If I never failed, I would never know the true meaning of grace. I would never know the love of a God. Grace is not based upon the fact that I don't fail, it is instead based on the fact that I do constantly fail and fall short of God's standards. However, by realizing that I fail and fall short, I can understand what grace, this undeserving love of a savior really means.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast."

Making Sense

I only have a month and a half left of internship. It seems hard to believe. I've started making plans for when I return to seminary for at least one more semester and it's hard. It's like I'm living in two different worlds. I know some people have already started checking out of their internship but I still find myself in the thick of things. I've been sharing the bulk of responsibility for getting a new worship service/small group time for the high school and middle school youth off the ground. I have one more sermon to preach. I have a trip to go on with the high schoolers. I have plenty of Sundays to get me up and keep me busy. Checking out is not an option for me. And yet I don't have a choice in a way. I need a place to live. I need to nail down my chaplaincy position. I need to find a place to work.

Now, I've spend a majority of my life in school. And I do well in school. I know how to study and I'm a hard worker and have logged more time in the library than I'd like to admit. But it's hard thinking of going back after this past year. Part of it is because I've found a near perfect fit at my internship congregation. It's not because this is my ideal geographical location (really, it's just a bit too warm down here for me) or my ideal context (suburban) or my ideal church size (large and growing). I'm sure all these factors play into all of this being a great fit but it goes much deeper than this. I've found a place on my internship where I make sense. All of a sudden all of my qualities, all of my gifts, all of my talents are put to their best use.

Take Summer Praise for example. My main role is leading the worship part of it with a group of high schoolers that play the more contemporary music. One of my passions is contemporary worship and music. Plus, I spent one year at seminary being a part of a group that did a student led worship service every week. Not to mention countless summers at camp as a guitarist. And when I'm not playing I get to hang out with high schoolers, build relationships, and gradually go deeper with them and field the occasional theology question.

That's only a small example. Between coming in and thinking a young adults ministry would be a great internship project and finding the immense need for it and finding great success with that aspect to preaching on the perfect topic for where I was and still am "What Is God's Will For My Life?" I've found myself able to use past experiences that have brought pain to speak to those who have gone through similar ordeals here in a very personal way (my pastoral care prof would be proud of me).

And I find myself wondering whether I'm going to be able to find another place that will fit me nearly as well as here. I guess I can only hope and pray that I do. But one thing is for sure, I have fallen head over heals in love with this church and this community. And thankfully the congregation is all about keeping an open door for me in the future whether as a visitor on the groundbreaking for the new sanctuary after the capital campaign that I helped get off the ground is over, an extra chaperon on the Habitat trip back to John's Island, or maybe in a more official way down the line. Either way, I trust that the right door will open at the right time or the door will close if it needs to be closed.