Why Blog and Other Random End of the Semester Thoughts

I've been asking myself why I blog the past couple of days. Part of this may have been induced by wanting another way to distract myself while writing my papers. Part of it was also looking back on this past semester and realizing how much time I've spent whining on my blog. Narcissism has apparently been my sin of choice during this past semester on the blog. All of this in the midst of visiting people in the hospital who are going through much rougher times than me and also having this hospital related crisis strike way too close to home with one our seminary classmates. Could I be any more dense? So, I apologize to you dear readers for all my complaining. I like to think that you all read this because many of you care enough about me to suffer through my many complaints about the semester and the system.

But, in the midst of that struggle I keep on blogging because I think it is a great way to keep in touch. It proved to do just that over internship and it helps keep me connected to friends who I cannot catch on a regular basis back in the Cities. Granted, this is no excuse for me to slack on good old fashioned face time but that has unfortunately been rare this past semester.

I also do it because it's a way for me to look back on all that has transpired in life these past few crazy years. I love rereading stories that I forgot about and times where God did something unexpected and amazing. And I guess that's the other reason I blog: it's a great way to witness to all the incredible things God is doing in my life.

Also, the school portion of the semester from hell is finished! I just emailed my final paper for my last class and now all I have to do is show up to the hospital on Thursday. And let me tell you, it feels great! We often talk about burn out in ministry. The funny thing is I did a ton last year on internship and didn't come close to this stress level at all. There was something so energizing and empowering about being in that ministry site. And then there was this semester which is the closest thing to burnout I have ever experienced (the other might be my junior year of college when my personal life and school life went haywire for different reasons but I digress...). I now know what burnout in the ministry feels like. And let me tell you, I never want to feel this again. This semester has served as a cautionary tale and if I ever find myself at this point again, I hope I can find the courage to make a drastic change in my life. I also know that I definitely have no desire to be a chaplain and I applaud those who do this type of ministry for a living. I'll stick to my lock-ins, retreats, camps, and mission trips thank you very much!

Almost There...

I've been asked by a couple of my friends who are just starting out at seminary how I've gone through four years of finals here and am still sane. Part of it is that I can simply handle more stress than the normal person. I think the biology major and classics double major was a huge contributing factor to this high tolerance for enormous loads of classwork and high pressure situations. Part of it is I'm pretty happy-go-lucky so it takes a lot to get me down in the first place. The other factor has been slowly growing since I started seminary but I finally have a name for it. Apathy! Yes, I know, it sounds all negative. But here's the deal: I've spent most of my life really caring way too much about grades, papers, doing really good professional academically solid work. So I think a healthy dose of apathy is my friend at a high pressure time like this. Sure, I want to pass all my classes and get good marks on my papers but I'm approaching my writing more casually and I've also done this so many times that I have simply realized that it will all get done. It always does.

So, I have ~15 pages left to write before Wed. night and then when I walk out of the hospital on Thursday later afternoon, I will be a free woman. And honestly, I can't wait. I want my life back. I want to have time and energy to spend with friends and family. This semester has taken more energy and joy from my life than I'd like to admit. Thank goodness I have been surrounded by great people that have been able to put up with a less joyous and energetic me this semester. So, only 15 pages left! And for those of your who are also suffering through finals, good luck and God bless! You're definitely in my prayers. We're almost there!

Finals Survival 101

My Survival Kit for Finals this Year:

-Clif Bars and Powerbar Powershots
I'm reminded of training for a marathon. I suppose trying to get through these two weeks is going to be somewhat similar but instead of being able to pick a nice, slower, suitable pace for the 26.2 miles, I'm being forced to run it at a sprint...

-Pre-made Chili and other various soups
Earlier in the semester I would make huge pots of chili and freeze the leftovers for later use. Well, thanks to this handy technique I won't have to cook for the rest of the semester but if I get hungry for something different I can always reach for the...

-Velveta Shells and Cheese
One of my favorite comfort foods (Chipotle being the top of that list). It's quick, it's easy, and it's incredibly bad for me. But it tastes so good when it's midnight I have a paper to finish.

-Bright Red Starbucks To-Go Cup/Thermos
Caffeine will be desperately needed and since it feels like January here, warm caffeine is preferred to the usual DC.

-My Check-list
Yes, the borderline J/P of my Myers Brigs personality shifts to the J side during this part of the year. I know exactly what stands between me and freedom.

-I Am Legend
My planned night off this coming weekend will involve hopefully talking other people into venturing to the MN Zoo in Apple Valley that has a kickin' IMAX screen (and if you're reading this and at Luther and want to come, please let me know). Nothing like some zombie-esque things attacking Will Smith to make me get over the finals induced horror in my own life. Bonus: the IMAX showing of I Am Legend will have a 6 minute preview of The Dark Knight, the new Batman flick.

-iPod
Tunes help keep me sane during the long, quiet hours in the library. At the top of my playlist are:
-Time is Running Out by Papa Roach - Great beat, rocking guitars, and with lyrics like "I refuse to surrender," well, it's enough to keep me going for another 3 minutes (the duration of the song).
-Makes Me Wonder by Maroon 5 - Just a fun, pop-y song that I can't get enough of.
-MmmHmm by Relient K - Yes the whole album! With songs that remind me that there is an escape to all the crazyness and that there is life after death and taxes (and finals) and their fun pop/punk stylings with subtle Christian lyrics, I'm all over it.

In All Honesty...

...I'm tired and I'm desperately need this semester to be over. Now, this isn't your usual finals-induced rants that comes at the end of every semester. This semester has been completely different than any other I've experienced. In other words, I bit off a bit more than I could chew. This from the girl who finished up 6 classes, worked 20 hours a week, led worship, captained a soccer team, and managed to have a pretty sweet social life right before she left for internship.

But, I've pretty much got one class finished which leaves me with a group presentation, 7-8 page paper, another 15 page paper, and some various CPE stuff. I'm almost there...

On a lighter note, I got approved this week which means that I'm done with my last hoop in the candidacy process (the process that decides whether or not we're suitable to become a pastor). They asked some hard questions (under what circumstances would you ask someone in your congregation to leave the church?) but they still passed me even though I stumbled through parts of the interview.

Also, last night the seminary had a barn dance (think square dance) and it was an absolute riot! I somehow ended up with a cowboy hat on for the entire night and even got paid for the night through my work at the student services office. I also made the President of Luther dance with me. It was hilarious. Pictures will most likely be forthcoming.

By the Way...

...next year I will be going to Region 3 (the midwest so Minneapolis, St. Paul, or Eastern ND), Region 2 (the southwest so California, Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Wyoming, Nevada), or Region 9 (the southeast so North Carolina). And for those of you who have been following this for awhile, you all know what that last preference may mean. The funny thing was, as much as I thought that putting those down on my forms would be a huge deal and a reason to panic well, it was actually really easy. I think I've known for awhile what I wanted and needed to put so it all went fairly smooth when it came to that point. So, now I get to wait till Feb.

In the meantime, I'm trying to work past the apathy I'm feeling toward the end of this semester. I have three weeks left and am finding it hard to really care that much. I know what I have to do (I made an extensive list of all that is standing between me and freedom) but actually working up the motivation to do it is another story. Hence why I'm sitting in the library writing a blog entry. But, only three more weeks of the semester from hell. And you know, as much as I complain, I am grateful for the way everything has worked out this semester. I have a great CPE group, my friends and family have been nothing but supportive, and I actually have really good classes.

Oh, and it's snowing out! I'm trying to relearn how to drive in the snow after a year in the South but thankfully I have a Subaru with very handy all-wheel drive. But, it's beautiful and I do love it here! Now, all I need to do is finish this sermon and then I can go out and play in the snow.

Assignment Part III

Well, it's official. The forms are in the [e-] mail and all of this is officially out of my hands and in the hands of God and the ELCA bishops. And you know, it feels really hard to believe. I mean, all of this seems really hard to believe. Here I am, a senior at seminary, getting ready to finally go out and do what I knew I was supposed to do with my life nearly nine years ago. Yeah, that's right, I knew that I was supposed to be a pastor when I was 17 (but I ran from this whole thing for about four years). And it's weird being the expert at seminary as a senior. People ask for your advice on the internship process, classes, and profs. I'm still not used to that. It feels like I just started this whole crazy process yesterday.

But, it's a great feeling to know that I'm that much closer to being done, to being out there in a church for more than a year, to finally put everything that I've learned to use. I don't know if I'm completely ready but then again, I don't think you can ever really be ready for something like this. I just keep on trusting, praying, hoping, and knowing that the best is yet to come.

My professor's reaction to finding out that I was his assisting minister in chapel at seminary = "You are so lucky that I could get fired for dressing a student up like an elf."

Assignment Part II

I am almost finished with my assignment paperwork!!! It really seems hard to believe that these forms will largely determine the next 3+ years of my life. I can't say how good it feels to almost be done though. I spent most of my Thanksgiving break working on these papers. In fact, the only day I took off was Thanksgiving itself. Wow, that's depressing. But it feels wonderful to almost have it all done. And I think that's how it's supposed to feel. I'm glad I'm excited about this, not just because it means that I have one less thing to worry about, but instead because it means I'm step closer to being out in the parish.

The one last thing I have to finish before I send this in: regional preferences. I will have my choices posted later this week. :)

Assignment Part I

(I'm going to warn you right off the bat, these next few weeks will be full of musings about my future and the all important assignment paperwork. So bear with me through this process...)

I’m starting down my assignment paperwork right now. I have all the questions in front of me and I have all my answer outlined. However, I have yet to take all my bullet-points and turn them into coherent sentences (as if anyone could make sense of “called to a big job, but we have support, first from God (we are empowered by the HS), work ourselves out of a job). It’s a daunting task to say the least. I remember talking to one of my friends about this during his senior year, two years ago. He said he was having a hard time trusting that the Holy Spirit could work through all this paperwork. I’m finding myself in the same position.

To start, I have no idea what some of the questions are asking. Describe how persons and events shaped your approach to parish ministry. Alright, what if my approach to ministry changes due to the context? Another pet peeve: some of the questions seem to be asking the same thing. Finish this statement: I serve faithfully by… I live out my faith in this way… I answered one and then look at the next question and went, well, I already answered that in the first question. It seems so crazy that the next three years of my life are largely determined by questions such as these.

However, at the same time, I know that this is not the end all. Either way, I will be assigned to a synod (an area of the country) and as long as the bishop is on the ball, I will have interviews with churches. I will be able to meet with people face-to-face. And I will be able to finally be a full-fledged pastor.

As daunting as all this paperwork is for me, I know that it’s an exciting opportunity. This is what I have known deep down that I am supposed to be doing, ever since my youth pastor nonchalantly told me as a 17 year old that I would become a youth pastor someday. So, here goes nothing!

Random Thoughts

Some random thoughts for the day:

-I have to finish my assignment paperwork and put down my preferences for regions and synods (where I want to go for my first call as a pastor) in less than a month. Holy ___! Where am I thinking right now? In no particular order: the Southwest (California, Colorado, Wyoming, Utah), Washington, Oregon, Maryland-Delaware, Metro D.C. and believe it or not, the Twin Cities and Eastern North Dakota (yeah, I know, WTF?). We'll see what actually goes down on my paper work. Even thought it doesn't seem like there's going to be much time between now and then, a lot can happen (just look at this past week, whew!).

-Why does everything have to happen at once? Seriously. It's not been one major thing happening these past few weeks but just a bunch of smaller yet very dramatic things that have meant my emotions have been all over the place. Arg.

-I was all excited to start the new week with a lighter load of homework and then, when I'm finally relaxing on Monday night at 9:00 p.m. and I get called into the hospital. Apparently there's no rest for the weary since this was my second on-call emergency within the week. And I'm paying to be put through this...

-I'm always surprised at how the little, unexpected things can bring joy to my life. A random phone call to a friend turns into a great conversation. My roommate's cat decides to snuggle with me. Finding a friend who is just as passionate about something as you and talking shop all of a sudden becomes something you look forward to.

This week has been full of highs and lows, along the same line as last week. I keep on looking forward to the future and hope. Sometimes that's all I can do.