A Memorable Christmas

This Christmas was very bittersweet for different reasons this year. First of all, it's probably my last Christmas Eve at home as a "spectator" in a congregation for a long, long time. It's weird but I made sure to enjoy the time with family on Christmas Eve and my time at church at the congregation I've belonged to since I was a baby.

Second, I woke up to a nice surprise on Christmas morning. I had gone to the 11 p.m. candlelight service on Christmas Eve at my home congregation and I had to drive my mom back to St. Louis Park from Anoka which was a haul (40 minute drive) and then I had to drive myself back to St. Paul. All in all, I didn't get to bed till around 2 a.m. on Christmas morning. I woke up the next day, got ready for Christmas Day festivities at my parents place and went out to my car around 10:30 a.m. to drive out. I come to my car on the driver's side and realize there's something wrong. As I look through the window I see that the front passenger side window has been broken and there's glass everywhere and it's really obvious someone has broken into my car. Oh $&%*!

Yeah, not the best Christmas gift ever. The worst part was I had pretty much parked right below my bedroom window and didn't hear a thing all night long. The engine was fine and I could start up my car no problem. But, still, what a pain. Plus, the fact that it's Christmas Day means that I can't do anything. The police aren't going to take the report because they're only doing emergencies. The insurance is the same way. So, my dad comes to pick me up and we use some garbage bags and duct tape to cover up the window, especially since it's due to snow.

The thing is, these weren't exactly the smartest of criminals. I'm guessing it's probably meth or drug addicts of some sort because they were looking for quick money. They emptied my ash tray which probably had about 40 cents worth of change and went through my glove compartment. They also looked through my trunk. The losses on my part:

-40 cents worth of change (and mind you, they missed another obvious compartment in my car that did happen to have about $20 worth of change in it)
-The Christmas cookies from my Grandma
-A small bag with some old smelly soccer gear (granted, I hate having to replace my cleats, I've had them for over five years now)
-Some empty jewel cases for CDs (and yet missed the dozen or so CDs in my car)
-Harry Potter 7 on CD which I have downloaded on my computers and ipod (also, missing two CDs because they were in my CD visor so I don't think they're going to get far with it)

Thank goodness I don't keep anything real valuable in my car. But, it's been a pain trying to replace the glass. And I don't know what it is but I've just heard of a lot of people getting their car broken into lately. And I really do hate having to worry about my car when I park it outside in the lot now. It's one more stressor I simply don't want in my life. But I guess I'll get used to it. I always do. Plus, it could have been a whole lot worse. They didn't touch my engine. I don't keep anything in my car. Also, it wasn't stolen. So, I'll take what I can get and cough up the deductible for the new window.

But seriously, who breaks into someone's car on Christmas Day? That's just lame.

Merry Christmas!!!

Just wanted to say Merry Christmas to y'all! I hope you are having a wonderful day celebrating Jesus' birth with your family and friends. Peace!

Why Blog and Other Random End of the Semester Thoughts

I've been asking myself why I blog the past couple of days. Part of this may have been induced by wanting another way to distract myself while writing my papers. Part of it was also looking back on this past semester and realizing how much time I've spent whining on my blog. Narcissism has apparently been my sin of choice during this past semester on the blog. All of this in the midst of visiting people in the hospital who are going through much rougher times than me and also having this hospital related crisis strike way too close to home with one our seminary classmates. Could I be any more dense? So, I apologize to you dear readers for all my complaining. I like to think that you all read this because many of you care enough about me to suffer through my many complaints about the semester and the system.

But, in the midst of that struggle I keep on blogging because I think it is a great way to keep in touch. It proved to do just that over internship and it helps keep me connected to friends who I cannot catch on a regular basis back in the Cities. Granted, this is no excuse for me to slack on good old fashioned face time but that has unfortunately been rare this past semester.

I also do it because it's a way for me to look back on all that has transpired in life these past few crazy years. I love rereading stories that I forgot about and times where God did something unexpected and amazing. And I guess that's the other reason I blog: it's a great way to witness to all the incredible things God is doing in my life.

Also, the school portion of the semester from hell is finished! I just emailed my final paper for my last class and now all I have to do is show up to the hospital on Thursday. And let me tell you, it feels great! We often talk about burn out in ministry. The funny thing is I did a ton last year on internship and didn't come close to this stress level at all. There was something so energizing and empowering about being in that ministry site. And then there was this semester which is the closest thing to burnout I have ever experienced (the other might be my junior year of college when my personal life and school life went haywire for different reasons but I digress...). I now know what burnout in the ministry feels like. And let me tell you, I never want to feel this again. This semester has served as a cautionary tale and if I ever find myself at this point again, I hope I can find the courage to make a drastic change in my life. I also know that I definitely have no desire to be a chaplain and I applaud those who do this type of ministry for a living. I'll stick to my lock-ins, retreats, camps, and mission trips thank you very much!

Almost There...

I've been asked by a couple of my friends who are just starting out at seminary how I've gone through four years of finals here and am still sane. Part of it is that I can simply handle more stress than the normal person. I think the biology major and classics double major was a huge contributing factor to this high tolerance for enormous loads of classwork and high pressure situations. Part of it is I'm pretty happy-go-lucky so it takes a lot to get me down in the first place. The other factor has been slowly growing since I started seminary but I finally have a name for it. Apathy! Yes, I know, it sounds all negative. But here's the deal: I've spent most of my life really caring way too much about grades, papers, doing really good professional academically solid work. So I think a healthy dose of apathy is my friend at a high pressure time like this. Sure, I want to pass all my classes and get good marks on my papers but I'm approaching my writing more casually and I've also done this so many times that I have simply realized that it will all get done. It always does.

So, I have ~15 pages left to write before Wed. night and then when I walk out of the hospital on Thursday later afternoon, I will be a free woman. And honestly, I can't wait. I want my life back. I want to have time and energy to spend with friends and family. This semester has taken more energy and joy from my life than I'd like to admit. Thank goodness I have been surrounded by great people that have been able to put up with a less joyous and energetic me this semester. So, only 15 pages left! And for those of your who are also suffering through finals, good luck and God bless! You're definitely in my prayers. We're almost there!

Finals Survival 101

My Survival Kit for Finals this Year:

-Clif Bars and Powerbar Powershots
I'm reminded of training for a marathon. I suppose trying to get through these two weeks is going to be somewhat similar but instead of being able to pick a nice, slower, suitable pace for the 26.2 miles, I'm being forced to run it at a sprint...

-Pre-made Chili and other various soups
Earlier in the semester I would make huge pots of chili and freeze the leftovers for later use. Well, thanks to this handy technique I won't have to cook for the rest of the semester but if I get hungry for something different I can always reach for the...

-Velveta Shells and Cheese
One of my favorite comfort foods (Chipotle being the top of that list). It's quick, it's easy, and it's incredibly bad for me. But it tastes so good when it's midnight I have a paper to finish.

-Bright Red Starbucks To-Go Cup/Thermos
Caffeine will be desperately needed and since it feels like January here, warm caffeine is preferred to the usual DC.

-My Check-list
Yes, the borderline J/P of my Myers Brigs personality shifts to the J side during this part of the year. I know exactly what stands between me and freedom.

-I Am Legend
My planned night off this coming weekend will involve hopefully talking other people into venturing to the MN Zoo in Apple Valley that has a kickin' IMAX screen (and if you're reading this and at Luther and want to come, please let me know). Nothing like some zombie-esque things attacking Will Smith to make me get over the finals induced horror in my own life. Bonus: the IMAX showing of I Am Legend will have a 6 minute preview of The Dark Knight, the new Batman flick.

-iPod
Tunes help keep me sane during the long, quiet hours in the library. At the top of my playlist are:
-Time is Running Out by Papa Roach - Great beat, rocking guitars, and with lyrics like "I refuse to surrender," well, it's enough to keep me going for another 3 minutes (the duration of the song).
-Makes Me Wonder by Maroon 5 - Just a fun, pop-y song that I can't get enough of.
-MmmHmm by Relient K - Yes the whole album! With songs that remind me that there is an escape to all the crazyness and that there is life after death and taxes (and finals) and their fun pop/punk stylings with subtle Christian lyrics, I'm all over it.

In All Honesty...

...I'm tired and I'm desperately need this semester to be over. Now, this isn't your usual finals-induced rants that comes at the end of every semester. This semester has been completely different than any other I've experienced. In other words, I bit off a bit more than I could chew. This from the girl who finished up 6 classes, worked 20 hours a week, led worship, captained a soccer team, and managed to have a pretty sweet social life right before she left for internship.

But, I've pretty much got one class finished which leaves me with a group presentation, 7-8 page paper, another 15 page paper, and some various CPE stuff. I'm almost there...

On a lighter note, I got approved this week which means that I'm done with my last hoop in the candidacy process (the process that decides whether or not we're suitable to become a pastor). They asked some hard questions (under what circumstances would you ask someone in your congregation to leave the church?) but they still passed me even though I stumbled through parts of the interview.

Also, last night the seminary had a barn dance (think square dance) and it was an absolute riot! I somehow ended up with a cowboy hat on for the entire night and even got paid for the night through my work at the student services office. I also made the President of Luther dance with me. It was hilarious. Pictures will most likely be forthcoming.

By the Way...

...next year I will be going to Region 3 (the midwest so Minneapolis, St. Paul, or Eastern ND), Region 2 (the southwest so California, Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Wyoming, Nevada), or Region 9 (the southeast so North Carolina). And for those of you who have been following this for awhile, you all know what that last preference may mean. The funny thing was, as much as I thought that putting those down on my forms would be a huge deal and a reason to panic well, it was actually really easy. I think I've known for awhile what I wanted and needed to put so it all went fairly smooth when it came to that point. So, now I get to wait till Feb.

In the meantime, I'm trying to work past the apathy I'm feeling toward the end of this semester. I have three weeks left and am finding it hard to really care that much. I know what I have to do (I made an extensive list of all that is standing between me and freedom) but actually working up the motivation to do it is another story. Hence why I'm sitting in the library writing a blog entry. But, only three more weeks of the semester from hell. And you know, as much as I complain, I am grateful for the way everything has worked out this semester. I have a great CPE group, my friends and family have been nothing but supportive, and I actually have really good classes.

Oh, and it's snowing out! I'm trying to relearn how to drive in the snow after a year in the South but thankfully I have a Subaru with very handy all-wheel drive. But, it's beautiful and I do love it here! Now, all I need to do is finish this sermon and then I can go out and play in the snow.

Assignment Part III

Well, it's official. The forms are in the [e-] mail and all of this is officially out of my hands and in the hands of God and the ELCA bishops. And you know, it feels really hard to believe. I mean, all of this seems really hard to believe. Here I am, a senior at seminary, getting ready to finally go out and do what I knew I was supposed to do with my life nearly nine years ago. Yeah, that's right, I knew that I was supposed to be a pastor when I was 17 (but I ran from this whole thing for about four years). And it's weird being the expert at seminary as a senior. People ask for your advice on the internship process, classes, and profs. I'm still not used to that. It feels like I just started this whole crazy process yesterday.

But, it's a great feeling to know that I'm that much closer to being done, to being out there in a church for more than a year, to finally put everything that I've learned to use. I don't know if I'm completely ready but then again, I don't think you can ever really be ready for something like this. I just keep on trusting, praying, hoping, and knowing that the best is yet to come.

My professor's reaction to finding out that I was his assisting minister in chapel at seminary = "You are so lucky that I could get fired for dressing a student up like an elf."

Assignment Part II

I am almost finished with my assignment paperwork!!! It really seems hard to believe that these forms will largely determine the next 3+ years of my life. I can't say how good it feels to almost be done though. I spent most of my Thanksgiving break working on these papers. In fact, the only day I took off was Thanksgiving itself. Wow, that's depressing. But it feels wonderful to almost have it all done. And I think that's how it's supposed to feel. I'm glad I'm excited about this, not just because it means that I have one less thing to worry about, but instead because it means I'm step closer to being out in the parish.

The one last thing I have to finish before I send this in: regional preferences. I will have my choices posted later this week. :)

Assignment Part I

(I'm going to warn you right off the bat, these next few weeks will be full of musings about my future and the all important assignment paperwork. So bear with me through this process...)

I’m starting down my assignment paperwork right now. I have all the questions in front of me and I have all my answer outlined. However, I have yet to take all my bullet-points and turn them into coherent sentences (as if anyone could make sense of “called to a big job, but we have support, first from God (we are empowered by the HS), work ourselves out of a job). It’s a daunting task to say the least. I remember talking to one of my friends about this during his senior year, two years ago. He said he was having a hard time trusting that the Holy Spirit could work through all this paperwork. I’m finding myself in the same position.

To start, I have no idea what some of the questions are asking. Describe how persons and events shaped your approach to parish ministry. Alright, what if my approach to ministry changes due to the context? Another pet peeve: some of the questions seem to be asking the same thing. Finish this statement: I serve faithfully by… I live out my faith in this way… I answered one and then look at the next question and went, well, I already answered that in the first question. It seems so crazy that the next three years of my life are largely determined by questions such as these.

However, at the same time, I know that this is not the end all. Either way, I will be assigned to a synod (an area of the country) and as long as the bishop is on the ball, I will have interviews with churches. I will be able to meet with people face-to-face. And I will be able to finally be a full-fledged pastor.

As daunting as all this paperwork is for me, I know that it’s an exciting opportunity. This is what I have known deep down that I am supposed to be doing, ever since my youth pastor nonchalantly told me as a 17 year old that I would become a youth pastor someday. So, here goes nothing!

Random Thoughts

Some random thoughts for the day:

-I have to finish my assignment paperwork and put down my preferences for regions and synods (where I want to go for my first call as a pastor) in less than a month. Holy ___! Where am I thinking right now? In no particular order: the Southwest (California, Colorado, Wyoming, Utah), Washington, Oregon, Maryland-Delaware, Metro D.C. and believe it or not, the Twin Cities and Eastern North Dakota (yeah, I know, WTF?). We'll see what actually goes down on my paper work. Even thought it doesn't seem like there's going to be much time between now and then, a lot can happen (just look at this past week, whew!).

-Why does everything have to happen at once? Seriously. It's not been one major thing happening these past few weeks but just a bunch of smaller yet very dramatic things that have meant my emotions have been all over the place. Arg.

-I was all excited to start the new week with a lighter load of homework and then, when I'm finally relaxing on Monday night at 9:00 p.m. and I get called into the hospital. Apparently there's no rest for the weary since this was my second on-call emergency within the week. And I'm paying to be put through this...

-I'm always surprised at how the little, unexpected things can bring joy to my life. A random phone call to a friend turns into a great conversation. My roommate's cat decides to snuggle with me. Finding a friend who is just as passionate about something as you and talking shop all of a sudden becomes something you look forward to.

This week has been full of highs and lows, along the same line as last week. I keep on looking forward to the future and hope. Sometimes that's all I can do.

Conflicted

Today was a good day. The earlier posts speaks to why it was good. But today was also a day of conflicting emotions. Heck, this year has been a year of conflicting emotions. I got news today that one of my seminary classmates was diagnosed with acute leukemia. I do not know all the details right off the bat but I do know that he started chemo today, they're doing aggressive treatment which means the cancer is most likely aggressive, and he has a family. Along with the news is the story of Katherine Ann Olson, a young adult in the area that was murdered recently. I found out that she also had a lot of connections to the seminary and the community was also feeling that death. Then there is my work as a chaplain, encountering people facing death, cancer, chronic illness, and no explanation for why they are feeling pain and no cure for what they are facing. There are also those around me facing divorce, heart break, heart ache, a major surgery, and lots of questions about how this is all going to end.

There is a lot of pain out there. This past week I've walked and talked with people experiencing pain. I've felt pain myself in watching these stories play out. We are all affected by it. There's no escaping it.

And today I was met with something quite unexpected. I was met with joy as I looked toward my future and saw hope. I was met with joy as the fact that I will someday be a Lutheran Pastor, perhaps in one of these synods that visited today. And yet, I somehow felt guilty about this experience. One of my classmates should have been with us today, even if he already has his first call together. Here I was, able to look at my future with hope, joy, and high expectations and here I'm sure he and his family were rewriting their story and their future was no longer sure.

With so much pain surrounding us, I wonder if I really have the right to celebrate. Is this joy a fluke? Can I truly feel joy in the midst of all this pain, questioning, and uncertainty?

Well, apparently I can because today I did feel joy. And maybe that's exactly what we need in the midst of this pain and suffering. Because you know, the pain is never going to completely go away and suffering unfortunately is also a certainty in life. What I found today was that I needed to remember that there is hope and joy in the world and that I could experience it in the midst of all the crap that is going on around me. And maybe that hope and joy is more potent because I am aware of how precious it is; I am aware of what a gift joy and hope are. I was also reminded of the need to surround myself with those things that give me joy whether it be my friends or family and also to do those things that give me joy such journal, listen to music, or spending time at church. If we cut ourselves off from those things that bring us joy in the first place, we aren't doing ourselves any favors. We cannot feel guilty in these situations. The pain already runs so deep we only make it worse if we start beating ourselves up for laughing, living for the moment, sharing in fellowship, or looking forward with hope. It will often be these things that carry us through the pain, that help us heal, that help us move forward.

It's always a balancing act. As I face both pain and joy in my life and in the life of those who surround me, I try to keep both in sight. If I lose the pain, then I lose the meaningfulness of true hope and true joy. If I lose hope and joy, then I will sink into despair. I know that I err to one side or the other, depending on the day. But I have to keep at it. I have no choice. And I keep living life and taking one day at a time, knowing that it will invariably be filled with both. It's all I can do sometimes. And it makes days like today that much more precious.

The Real Thing

Happy Halloween/Reformation Day. Yes, October 31 is the very day that Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses on a door at Wittenberg. It's good stuff!

Today was a momentous day for and the rest of the senior class at seminary for another reason. Bishops from six different synods and regions of the ELCA from all over the country were here visiting. Now, after we graduate from seminary we do not go out and get to look for a call as a pastor at anyplace we want. Instead, we are asked to put down preferences of where we would like to take our first call. Some people are allowed to restrict depending on medical conditions, spouses with jobs, houses, etc. I am not one of these people. So, I put my life in the hands of the ELCA Bishops who will pick me from a pool of seminary candidates from all eight different ELCA seminaries. They will decide where I do ministry for the next three or so years of my life.

So today I put on the power suit (taking a page from my East Coast friend who said that their fear was always being the least dressed up person in the room) and came to seminary not quite knowing what to expect. What I found were six individuals who were very dedicated to God, the church, the mission of the church, and outreach. We did a panel discussion, ate lunch with them, and then got a chance to talk with them on a more individual basis.

The experience was invigorating! There were so many creative ways that people were doing ministry that it was a breath of fresh air. The bishops also seemed very supportive of those called to their area for first call. They wanted to talk to us and get to know us. They were well spoken, patient, and passionate.

So here I was, staring at my future in the church: hearing about what opportunities there were out there in the church, hearing about the challenges that were facing the church, and some of the creative ways that people were looking to reach out to those who had never heard about God or Jesus. I should have been terrified. Instead, I couldn't wait to start! In a semester full of case studies, scenarios, and missing being in a church, here was a hard dose of reality. You're going to be out there in less than a year. It's not school. It's not going to be easy. It's actually going to be really hard. But, I finally saw myself in someplace new, I saw myself at these synods, I saw myself at places like NW Washington, Delaware-Maryland, and even Eastern ND. I was no longer just thinking about these preferences as geographical points on a map, instead, they were places that need pastors, that need people who are passionate about preaching the Gospel, that need leadership that will raise up leadership among the people.

Today, I got a glimpse of my future in the church and I can't wait!

Just a Game But Not

Found this article on ESPN.com and thought I'd share it because it's really good and I'm sure will be a sermon illustration someday down the line.

Baseball's Only a Game to Real-Life Survivors Lester, Cook
By Gene Wojciechowski

DENVER -- Jon Lester had cancer. Lymphoma, to be exact, but cancer. Whatever the exact name, you don't want it. The same goes for blood clots. Aaron Cook can tell you all about them. He had them in his lungs.

Sunday evening, in Game 4 of the World Series, a cancer survivor and a blood clot survivor will take turns on the Coors Field mound. Lester can give the Boston Red Sox their second world championship (and second sweep) in the past four years. Cook can keep the Colorado Rockies from becoming a postseason footnote and oh-fer victim.

Two pitchers. Two men who weren't entirely sure -- how could they be? -- that they'd ever play baseball again. And now one of them can help end a World Series and the other can help extend it.

"You know, I'm just trying to take it as another start, trying not to look at it as anything extra than that," said quiet, unassuming Lester.

But it isn't just another start, is it? A World Series is at stake, but what makes it an extraordinary night is the convergence of circumstances that brings Lester and Cook to this moment.

"I don't think it's a coincidence," said Rockies manager Clint Hurdle. "I think this game drips with irony at different times for different reasons, and it's not just because of the game or the manager matching pitchers."

Maybe, as Hurdle said, "God's fingerprints" were all over this one. Or maybe it was simply two guys who got lucky. Whatever the reasons, they're here.

Neither player was a lock to start Game 4. Lester wasn't added to the Red Sox rotation until a shoulder and back injury to veteran knuckleballer Tim Wakefield forced manager Terry Francona to reluctantly drop Wakefield from the World Series roster. The decision to use Cook wasn't made until he convinced Hurdle he had recovered sufficiently from an oblique injury.

"It is kind of ironic with him going through what he went through and me what I went through, both of us to work our way back to the top level of professional baseball," Cook said. "It's tough enough to get here, and what we've been through just to keep our focus, keep our faith and just realize … that baseball is not the most important thing."

But it's the thing that kept them going. Lester was first diagnosed with a rare form of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma in September 2006, near the end of his wonderful rookie season. He began chemotherapy that same month, and by December, his doctors no longer could detect any cancer.

The Red Sox hoped for the best. Lester didn't. He said he never considered a scenario that would prevent him from complete recovery, from imagining a moment like the one he'll experience Sunday night at Coors Field.

"That's not my mentality," Lester said. "I'm a competitor. I don't want to be down with anything. I just try to take that mentality into it. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Don't sit at home and think about it."

So he went fishing. He hunted. "I just tried to do that and keep my mind off the other stuff and tried to be as normal as I could," he said.

Normal to Lester is playing baseball. The Red Sox admired his optimism, but they weren't counting on anything. Even when Lester arrived at spring training, the team's expectations were simple: Expect nothing. Anything else would be a pleasant surprise.

"What he went through was a very difficult winter, I'm sure, for he and his family," said Red Sox manager Terry Francona. "He handled it with grace, a lot of dignity, a lot of perseverance, and because of that [and] some really neat medical people, the fact that we're even talking about baseball is really awesome. I think before Jon picked up a ball this year, it was already a successful year."

Lester began the season with Class A Greenville. Then Triple-A Pawtucket. His 2007 big league debut didn't come until July 23 against the Cleveland Indians, when he won a major league game for the first time since Aug. 23, 2006. You could hear the cheers all the way back from his hometown of Puyallup, Wash.

The guy is undefeated in the majors this season. One more win and the Red Sox break out the swim goggles and start spraying champagne.

"Last year, I didn't really get a chance to enjoy what was going on, and being up in the big leagues, being a part of every kid's dream and playing up there with these guys," Lester said. "I took a lot of things for granted last year and beat myself up over little things. This year, I've tried to just have fun, treat it like a game, like a kid's game, have fun doing it, and I think it's helped out quite a bit."

It also helps to be healthy. Cook knows the feeling.

During a late 2004 start, he experienced dizziness on the mound. Doctors discovered that one of his ribs was pressing against a vein and that the odd condition was creating life-threatening blood clots. He wouldn't pitch again for nearly a year.

Cook recovered. He returned in 2005 and won six consecutive games. His story was as inspirational as Lester's is now.

"There's a verse in the Bible that says, 'Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because testing of your faith develops perseverance,'" said Cook, the Rockies' 2007 Opening Day starter. "That's one verse I really held on to."

Cook and the Rockies face the postseason's most difficult trial: an 0-3 deficit and the sobering truth that they have to win four consecutive games against a Red Sox team on a 7-0 World Series victory run. They'll need more than faith to do that. They'll need Cook to last longer than the 2 2/3 innings starter Josh Fogg (10 hits, six runs) lasted in Saturday night's 10-5 loss.

Otherwise, when the Coors Field public-address announcer asks the crowd for its fourth-inning music request, as he did a night earlier, the crowd might ask for "Taps."

Cook won't have it easy. The Rockies have scored a grand total of seven runs in three games. And because of the muscle strain, he was left off the NLCS roster and hasn't pitched in a big league game since Aug. 10.

"I feel pretty comfortable with where I'm at, and [Sunday night] will be the real test," Cook said. "It's the biggest stage."

Funny, Lester said the same thing. Figures. Survivors are like that.

Sermon Scenarios

I'm preaching my first sermon for senior preaching and worship tomorrow. For our senior year, they decide it's a good idea to give us some hands on stuff to work on. In other words, we get scenarios and then we have to figure out how to preach on them as opposed to the usual look at a text and make something up approach. For our first sermon we are given a scenario for either a funeral or a wedding. I chose funeral because frankly, funeral preaching scares me. So I figured I'd go for it.

I open my scenario sheet and this is what I get:

"Howard drowned at age 44 when his fishing boat turned over. He was probably drunk or high or both. He was baptized and confirmed in your parish, but his membership had lapsed years ago and he never attended. He was involved in several businesses, and according to the town gossip, was a drug dealer. He and his wife had 5 children and have been divorced for some time. He was living with his "fiance" as he has been introducing her for the last 5 years and has 2 young children with her. You know her as a neighbor and a sometime church attender. She has asked you to do the funeral because you're the only pastor she knows and Howard was connected to your parish long ago? You knew Howard only superficially as a gregarious man and that, as people in town say, "you either loved him or hated him."

Whew! Here's another one I've been looking at not for a preaching course but for a practical theology course:

Claurice, 71, was a marginal church member. She hadn't been in church for a couple years, before that Christmas and Easter, funerals and weddings. Upper-middle class, she raised 2 daughters and a son, all of whom are well-educated and have prosperous careers and have no connection with the church. The daughters are married by have no children. You have called on her several times during her final hospital stay. The funeral is in the mortuary.
Daughter Elizabeth was asked to speak for the family and gave the following eulogy:
"Mom, we miss you. We can't think of a single thing to fault you with, since to all of us you have have been nothing but kindness and love... Mom might not have been much of a church-goer, but she didn't need to be. She thought the church was full of hypocritical, judgmental people and didn't need the church to be the kind of great woman she was. She is gone now, but not really. How could she be? Every time I look out the window and see the beautiful cloud formations... she is there... she is here. She lives on... the starts above are her presence, the sun is her warmth and the singing birds her voice. We love you, Mom. You will never die."
Next comes a solo, "To Dream the Impossible Dream," sung by a well-paid stranger, and now it's your turn!

Whew again! If I got to pick, I'm not sure which one I'd go with. But, regardless, as much as we may flinch at these scenarios, the thing is, these are based on real situations. Granted, ever funeral will not be as crazy as these scenarios but stuff like this can still happen. These just seem so ridiculous because we're all given the crazy ones all at once. But, I'm glad for the chance to try these out in front of friends and get insights and feedback. So, onto writing my sermon!

To live in this world

You must be able
To do three things:
To love what is mortal;
To hold it

Against your bones knowing
Your own life depends on it’ and, when the time comes to let it go,
To let it go.

Mary Oliver
“In Blackwater Woods”

Ran across the poem while researching for a project for my Job class and thought I would share it.

Choices or Life Getting in the Way of Life

Tonight is one of those nights where I hate the fact that I'm good at cramming a lot into one day. Tonight I was supposed to go and see the band The Daredevil Christopher Wright which happens to be composed of some old camp friends who are amazingly talented musicians. But alas, earlier this week I locked in my faculty approval interview for Friday at 3:15. I know you're thinking, 3:15, that's not bad! Go out, have a beer, enjoy some great live music! But of course, I spend all day on Friday before the interview in class. Plus, this is an important interview so it means that I have to get business suited up and look all nice and fresh and professional. Grrr...

So tonight I had to choose between an extra hour and half of sleep and great live music, one of my admitted weaknesses. And well, here I am, not at the show. And it was so hard! These are friends that I haven't seen for over four years! And yet, I had to make the call on my own. As my friend Nick put it when I told him I wasn't coming, it was life getting in the way of life.

It seems like this has been happening more and more as I've gotten older. It seems that as we grow up, our choices impact our life in more profound ways. Instead of simply choosing what to wear in elementary school (considering your parents let you choose...) or what fun electives to take in middle school all of a sudden we were faced with choices that would have bigger ramifications on our future. When we chose classes in high school (honors, AP, IB, etc.) we were not simply choosing for the moment but instead we were thinking about our GPA's and incidentally, our transcript that would influence our future at college. When we started at college, certain majors and career paths needed to be taking certain classes right off the bat. As I've start seminary I've had to make many choices about life. Internship close to home or far away in someplace new? CPE or my chaplaincy during the summer or during the school year? Living on or off campus? What churches do I put down on my internship application form?

And here I am now, facing some of the biggest choices of my life. Where do I want to go after I finish seminary? What locations around the country am I going to put down for my destination for my first three years in ministry? What kind of church and what kind of ministry do I want to go to? And more importantly, how does this work out with my personal life? How does this work out with relationships that important to me, friends and family? How will this place nurture me spiritually, mentally and emotionally? And I know I'm not the only one asking these types of questions right now. Am I on the right career path? Should I go back to school? I just got this great job offer that takes me far from home, what do I do now? These are all huge questions and choices will have to be made that take into account all of these questions.

And truth be told, I'm a bit terrified. How am I supposed to choose in the midst of all of these different things: friends, family, churches, locations, etc. vying for my heart and time? What happens if I make the wrong or a bad choice? Because, I have made my share of bad choices throughout my life, there is no doubt about that. And we all know that all choices have consequences, good and bad. And life has this annoying way of getting in the way of life.

But I can't exactly hide under a rock and avoid making these choices. They're coming one way or another. And all I can do is pray (A LOT) and do the best I can with the choice and hope that I am met with grace on the other side. The funny thing is as I face this all I am reminded of a sermon that I preached not even six months ago. My point was that God is causing everything, all of our good choices and bad choices to work out for the good and work toward our final destination, a full life, an eternal life with our Lord (see the story of Joseph in Genesis). Therefore, we are called to live a life of hope, a life where we can trust that nothing, not even any bad life choices we may make, can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. And here I am, six months later, clinging to these words that I wrote back in March, that I believed fiercely then, and believe even more fiercely and boldly now. Tonight was a small choice among a year of bigger ones yet to come. So, here I go!

I Love the Fall!

There's something about the end of September and the month of October that I simply love. Part of it is the cooler weather, the opportunity to sleep with the windows open and snuggle beneath multiple blankets. The colors are changing around the Twin Cities and it is simply breathtaking when I drive over the MN River Valley on the way to my CPE site. I also get to dig out all my sweaters, long-sleeved shirts, and sweatshirts which means my wardrobe nearly doubles. However, a huge part of it is the MLB playoff push. I remember three years ago when the Red Sox came back from a three game deficit to pummel the Yankees in Game 7 of the ALCS. I remember two years ago when the MN Twins made the historic run to the playoffs when only a couple of months ago they were struggling to stay above .500. What I will take from this year is the Rockies' streak to the World Series. Let me give you a few facts (courtesy of ESPN.com)

They've won 21 of its last 22 games.

They were only four games over .500 on Sept. 15, two weeks before the season ended and the playoffs began.

They were six games out of the wild-card race in September.

They were 4.5 games back with only nine games left to play.

They were two games behind with only two games to play.

After they had won their last game the Padres were only 1 strike away from clinching the wild-card in their final game thus disqualifying the Rockies.

They were two runs behind in the 13th inning of the mini-playoff game against the Padres.

And yet, here they are, ready for their first World Series with a group of players that have been relatively unknown till this streak. Who the heck is Todd Helton, Josh Fogg, Matt Holliday, or Seth Smith? And it is these relatively unknown players that have now become MVP's and heroes.

Why am I so fascinated with this team and this story? I love the underdog, there's no way around that but that's not the whole story. The Rockies also remind me a bit of the MN Twins last year who took the AL Central division crown the very last game of the season to cap off an incredible come-from-behind-run only to lose it in the playoffs. But there's something more to this. Through this whole story, even before the first game of the World Series will even be played and whether they win or lose (I'm hoping that they win), they have accomplished the impossible. And they have accomplished the impossible not with big names and big salaries but with a heckuva lot of determination and heart. How do you not love that? I like to believe in miracles and I think this qualifies as a sporting miracle. So, Go Rockies!!!

Midterms

Seriously, how is this semester almost halfway over already? Needless to say, I'm a bit swamped right now, hence the lack of posting. Here are a couple quick thoughts.

-Trying to remember how to write papers and especially also the lines of exegesis = not fun (and for those of you who don't know what exegesis means, neither do I really. I just kind of make stuff up and talk about a Biblical text and what it might mean)

-Why do midterms have to coincide with the MLB playoffs? I feel that this is just cruel, especially when I really want to stay up and watch the Rockies attempt a sweep tonight.

Alright, I'm done complaining. Now off to bed! I promise I'll post something more substantial after I finish my Job project/paper or when I desperately need a distraction from said project/paper.

Only Connect

Sorry for the lack of posting for the past week. It's been a challenge to blog this week for me. The funny thing is it's not about not having things to write about and big topics on my mind. Instead, this week has suddenly thrown so much in face that touches on my past and on my unforeseen future. That and everything that's happened is highly personal and doesn't seem proper to put on a blog. Instead, these are things that I will ponder in my heart for years to come.

But, in the midst of this I feel like I've touched on the bigger picture. I've been reminded of how the most unexpected people can become some of your best friends. I've seen that taking life one week at a time isn't really an option for me anymore, I need to look at the big picture. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm giving the system the proverbial finger and it feels really good! I've seen with old friends how some things never change and how they change so quickly you wonder how things became so different in such a short time. I've been reminded that the pain of loss never really goes away because there are always those around you experiencing the same thing you did years ago. One of my old mentors has now started treating me as a colleague which is exciting and scary at the same time. When did I grow up? I've jumped in to new and old friendships and relationships painfully aware that my time in this community has an expiration date that will come faster than any of us can anticipate.

In the midst of this I'm reminded how important these relationships are and how I'm not meant to go through this alone. I watched an episode of one of my favorite shows last night, Joan of Arcadia, called "Only Connect." It's about keeping communication lines open with those around us that we love. I'm reminded of this more than ever now. It's so easy to lose touch, to not make that extra effort to keep in touch and keep communication open. I'm being reminded constantly that the only way I'm going to make it through this week, this semester, this year, and the years to come is if I keep talking to people, if I keep communicating, if I keep connecting. It can be a lonely journey and I know I need all the help I can get.

The Power of Presence

It's been a week. There's no other way to put it. Between a massive pile of homework being dumped on my head, to being called into the hospital on Monday night, to trying to decide between work and play it's been a week full of surprises both pleasant and not so pleasant.

However, in the midst of all of this, I finally learned what ministry of presence means. Ministry of presence is the fancy term we use in pastoral care that means that in a crisis situation your simple presence is enough to minister to the group of people involved with the crisis. You don't have to do anything or say anything really, you being there is simply enough. Your presence ministers to these people.

Now, for those of you who know me well, you know I am a person of action. I'm a do-er. I'm generally in the middle of the action or I'm instigating action. This whole ministry of presence thing is new to me in a way. Sure, I did a little of that at my internship but I was always the back-up person. There were three other pastors above me so I generally didn't work with these types of situations.

But this week I was faced with stories and events that really showed me how meaningful it can be to simple just be there. As I read the story of Job and hear about his three friends who come and sit with Job through his suffering, after he has lost nearly everything and simply be with him. Granted, then they started talking and it all went downhill from there but that initial presence, acknowledging his suffering was a powerful witness and it gave him the space to start talking about what he was going through.

As I continue my work as a chaplain, I find this more and more. I am put in situations where I have no words, where the situation is over my head and I have nothing to say and yet, me being there is enough. It's quite something for this action oriented person to wrap her head around. And yet, it's something I think we've all experienced. When we've had a bad day and a friend doesn't even know what happened but somehow knows to give you a great big hug and doesn't even have to say a word. How simply having a shoulder to cry on can make all the different during a difficult time.

Just be. Just be there. And the grace of God will fill in the rest.

Closing Out the Season

It's official. I went to my last Twins game of the season on Saturday. Four Twins games in the 5 weeks I've been back in MN isn't too bad. However, my record at the Twins games hasn't been so good (o-4, ouch!). However, there was a silver lining to all of this.

Friday's game was a hoot partially because of the company (my roomie Becca and our friend Nick) and partially because the game was actually exciting (despite the fact that we lost). Plus, since Nick has such a loud voice and really likes to shout the entire game, I felt like I could yell a little more than usual because, well, no one could hear me anyway.

Saturday was a last minute decision. I was supposed to spend the day in the library working on a paper and reading for seminary but I got an offer I couldn't refuse. My friend, Corey, had amazing seats. We were five rows up from the dugout on the edge of the home plate end. It was AMAZING!!!



Yeah, that's my view of Tori Hunter without a zoom.

However, the highlight of the game for me was completely unexpected. As I was walking to our section in the Dome with Corey and his parents I was stopped by a young woman who started asking me, "Are you interested..." and I immediately thought, "Great, she's going to try and sell me a credit card." However, she finished, "...in being a part of one of our promotions?"

...What?! Wait a minute? "Sure!" is thankfully what pops out of my mouth! So, I'm told I'm going to have to guess how many air miles it is from the Dome to some other place in the US. Whoa! I get a pass to the press box and am told to show up in the middle of the third. Oh yeah, and this is all going to be on the jumbotron!!!!!

So, I watch the Twins play the first 3 innings and obediently head to the press box. They explain the game to me: they'll give me two cities and I need to guess the air miles within 200 and then I get a prize. Granted, I'll get a prize one way or another. So, deep breath, smile for the camera that is literally right in my face, and here we go...

How many miles are there between the Metrodome and Petco Park in San Diego? I'm quickly doing the math in my head. It's around 950 miles to Charlotte. I think LA is 175% of that which is close to San Diego so...

My guess = 1672

Actual mileage = 1522

Which means I win!!! I won a pink Twins hat!!! Crazyness! And as I went back to down to our amazing seats people actually recognized me and cheered. It was a weird feeling but it was definitely joyous! So, my claim to fame now: I've been on the Metrodome Jumbotron!

Fear

Today is one of those days where I wondered what the heck I was getting myself into.

There is a class that we have to take as seniors returning from internship, Exercises in Biblical Theology. No one really knows what the class is but we all have to take it. But, I have really great professors that I trust to do the money I'm spending on this class justice. So far it's been really practical and all about using what we've learning in our past two years in seminary classes and our year on internship and applying it to what we might be doing in our future parishes.

Now, you've all have probably figured out that I had an amazing year on internship. I was a church that was healthy and passionate and all about growing in faith, spirit, and service. It was a near perfect fit and I absolutely loved it there.

Today we got to hear some stories of some not so perfect fits. We got to hear about some congregations that could easily eat a pastor alive. There were stories of the congregations that claimed they wanted change but when the pastor tried to enact the change they were called to do, members of the congregation would resist with a vengeance. There was lying, false accusations against the pastors, drama, drama, drama, and so much more. Granted, we're all human and all capable of doing awful things to each other, myself included. That is not the point of the story though.

The point is, this scared the crap out of my friends and I. I think we all knew that this was a reality, that there are congregations out there that are full of conflict and that we might eventually be called to one. However, that reality hit us full out tonight. Are we prepared to go to call like those that were described to us in detail? NO! At least, I'm not. I have no idea what to do in a congregation like that.

My fear is not only of being placed in this situation but also what can happen to people in that situation. And you wonder why there is so much burnout in church leadership positions? And yet, thought it scares many of us, it is something that needs to be done. These congregations deserve to have a pastor as much as any other congregation. So, how do we swallow our fear of being eaten alive and face this head on? I'm not quite sure. And honestly, a little bit of fear does us good sometimes. Right now it reminds me that I have a long way to go before I'm a pastor in that type of situation. And I guess if I find myself placed at a call like that all I can do is pray and lean heavily on God, my friends and family, and also hopefully the synod.

But, yeah, what the heck have I gotten myself into? :)

Good Sermons

The other week I went with a couple of friends to the place to see and be seen. It's a hip church service for young adults. It's overpopulated with MIAC graduates (MN private colleges) and young adults from around the Twin Cities. I've been a couple of times and thought I'd check it out again to see what they're doing. It always attracts a huge crowd and people can be seen sitting on the floor and in the aisles. In other words, they must be doing something right.

They had a guest speaker this week, an author of a book. He also fits in the category of young adult (a 20-30 something) and fit the part. We began worship with three songs (only three songs?) and then turned the floor over to the speaker. He was fairly entertaining which was good because he spoke for an HOUR! I tuned in because I was curious where he was going. He talked about defining moments and discerning God's will for our lives which are both topics I had preached on at internship. However, his sermon was littered with stories that had nothing to do with his topic. As soon as I thought I knew where he was going, he completely changed gears. I tried to follow his line of thought but had no real idea where he had been, how he had gotten the amusing story he was talking about now, or how in the heck he was going to wrap all these stories together. Well, in the end he didn't wrap half of his stories together and I was left wondering what in the world had just happened.

I had no idea what the point was. A lot of times people will associate a certain story with the central point. There was no such luck in that department. Granted, his stories were entertaining. It was just frustrating because I was sitting there thinking, alright, this is funny but you're wasting my time with a story that has nothing to do with the point of the sermon and could have easily been cut out.

But though I didn't get it, I talked to people afterwards and they really connected with what he was saying. They didn't know the point either but they were entertained and had gleaned little pieces of wisdom from the story. One of my friends even said that his talk was that extra push she needed to think more seriously about her potential call to ministry in a church. Whoa!

I have no idea what happened there. Somewhere in that mess of a sermon, people were getting something out of it. And I had to take another look at what I considered to be a good sermon? Is it the stories I use? Is it the organization or lack thereof? Is it the scripture? Is it the humor?

Honestly, I don't have a good answer. Do I think he did a good job as a preacher? Eh. Not really. As a Lutheran preacher, I didn't hear a lot about grace. It was all about what I can do for God and for my neighbor. Nothing about how I'm forgiven. And I think that is essential to qualify something as a good sermon. Tell me what God has done for me, not what I can do for God. But, even though that part was missing, somehow what he said spoke to people and where they were at. He met this group of people where they were in their lives. And I think that's the lesson from all of this that I need to keep in mind as I go to preach. Now will I ever preach for an hour and include stories that have nothing to do with the topic and not have a real point. I certainly hope not.

Choosing Teams

I faced a huge dilemma this weekend. It was Friday night and I was splitting channel time between the Twins/Tigers game and the BoSox/Yankees game. One of the games was a no-brainer. I was cheering for the Red Sox for a couple of reasons. First of all, it's the Red Sox and I still have some lingering allegiance even after they've broken the curse. Sure, they are kind of the new Yankees but I don't think I could ever hate a team as much as the Yankees. However, my deep hatred for the Yankees, born in my love the underdogs and my MN Twins is what caused this crisis of conscience this weekend.

The Twins are pretty much out of the playoffs. It's been a dismal season and I have yet to go to a winning game since the home opener LAST SEASON! But, they' re still my team, they're still my boys and I still will watch their games on TV or on gameday when I'm in the library. Cleveland is on top of the AL Central with Detroit a few games behind. In the East New York has slowly been whittling away at Boston's mid-season 12 game lead. And, unfortunately, New York has overtaken Detroit in the wildcard race.

This means that the two games on Friday had huge implications for the playoffs, considering the season is over in about two weeks. I'm obviously cheering for the BoSox, that's a given. But with the Twins, it gets complicated. I want the Twins to win because, well, it's the Twins. But I also know that we're playing spoiler to Detroit's playoff hopes right now and if Detroit makes the playoffs, that means that New York probably doesn't. So what do I do? Cheer for the Twins even though it means that Detroit's playoff hopes diminish with a loss? Or do a cheer for the Tigers because let's be honest, the season is pretty much shot? Which wins out, my love for the Twins or my hate of the Yankees?

Well, the love of the Twins won out in this situation, because it's the Twins. Of course, this didn't work out so well in that the Twins blew a rare lead during this series and then the BoSox blew the lead as well and totally lost it in the last part of the game. Basically, it was a really bad night for me and baseball. But, the Twins will always be my time, no matter where I end up living in the long run. Maybe, I'll just move to a NL city and then I can cheer for two teams...

Is it weird that I'm praying now while I'm writing prayers for Chapel tomorrow?

I'm still not quite sure how this happened but somehow I'm assisting worship tomorrow for Chapel. And it's Wednesday, the big day, the one that draws the largest crowd. Now you think, why the heck is she nervous? After all, she spent an entire year leading worship in Charlotte; praying, preaching, confessing, etc. in front of a large congregation. Truth is, I'm not quite sure why I'm nervous. Probably because I've only done this once before and it's been over a year and half. Probably because I know that Chapel full of seminary students, faculty, and staff can be at both times one of the most encouraging and toughest crowds I will ever face. Probably because everything I learned in worship the other year about "proper prayer posture" has all been forgotten by now.

But then again I remember my first official day at Christ Lutheran as the intern. I was even more unfamiliar with the worship format that I am with Luther's (since I pretty much have attended Chapel every Wednesday of my tenure here). And I still was able to get up there and sing and pray and do what was asked of me that day by my supervisor and I did it well.

I think I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. I think assisting tomorrow in Chapel will be a wonderful experience. There's nothing quite like serving your friends communion by name. There's nothing like being a part of a worship service full of passionate, dedicated people.
Plus, I get to wear one of those rockstar mics. :)

Last and First

Today was my last first day of school for what I hope is a long time. Weird! Yes, I'm officially back. Seminary classes started today. It seems hard to believe. It was three years ago that I was a wide-eyed first year seminary who had no idea what she was getting herself into. Now I'm a seasoned and somewhat jaded veteran who still admits to having a lot to learn.

My friend Meta wrote a post on Senioritis on the official Luther Seminary blog. I can't help but admire her and many of my closest friend's excitement and readiness to be back for another year of seminary. However, I don't quite share 100% with all their sentiments and it's bugging me. Why can't I be as excited as everyone else for another year of school? It's odd. I'm usually the one who is the most upbeat about stuff like this but I can't quite muster up the energy.

Most of it is because I miss Charlotte and Christ Lutheran. It's hard to be back writing papers and back in classroom. Though I do well in school, I long for the practical, I long to get outside of the classroom and out in the church in the greater world. I miss my friends and those who taught me so much over this year. I long to be surrounded by a congregation and not by thousands of books in a library. It's been a hard transition, probably harder than I've let on.

Then I was treated to a wonderful talk at Chapel today by our Seminary President. He talked about the passage in Luke where the disciples ask Jesus to teach them how to pray and how God will give us what we ask for. He then went on to explain that before the disciples asked this question they had been out in the field, that they had been out there driving out demons and preaching to others and now, here they were, asking Jesus how to pray. That even after they had been out in the field, they had come back and still had room for growth.

It was exactly what I needed to hear. I realized that, yeah, I can do ministry but this year is so much more than about me. I'm here not only to grow academically but to grow spiritually as well. It is here that I am surrounded by a wonderful community of friends, colleagues, and professors that I know care about me and how this year goes. They care not only how I grow in knowledge but also in faith. And it is here that I find a support system like no other; all of us who are going through the exact same process, who are taking the same classes, who are often asking the same big questions about God, life, and everything in between. This year I have a wonderful opportunity to grow as a person in this community and I certainly hope not to waste it.

I told a friend after I figured out what this year was going to hold for me that I could now approach this year with purpose that I might not find otherwise. I knew that I was truly called to Luther Seminary for my senior year. I find myself needing to remind myself over and over again, on my first day of my last year of school. This isn't an end but a beginning of what I hope and pray is a great year; a year full of grace, love, purpose, courage, and faith.

All Bets Are Off

The other day I met with my CPE group for the first time. I will be processing my experiences as a chaplain with the group of people throughout the upcoming semester. This means I will have to get very up close and personal with this group. It's actually a really good group of people so I'm actually curious to see how this is all going to turn out.

In our first group meeting we were asked for one word or phrase that described our life at the current time. I went with the first phrase that popped into my head. It was "all bets are off." Now, I've been journaling for ages. I still have the really embarrassing journals from when I was a kid. I wrote this phrase in one my journal entries right before I started seminary. Somehow, it's seemed to fit every school year that I've started at seminary.

As I get ready for the start of my senior year I came across this again and it seemed to fit. God has had a way of surprising me ever since I started. Who would have thought that I would have lived off campus all three years at Luther? Who would have thought I'd get a scholarship to go to seminary? Who would have thought that I end up in Charlotte, NC for my internship? And who knows where this all may be leading. I had never thought about doing my chaplaincy at Fairview Ridges hospital. And as I look further into my future to the approval interviews and assignment where I'm told what region in the country I journey to after my final year at seminary I can't help but think that everything is going to work itself out in an unexpected way. My life so far at seminary has turned out that way. Why should my first call be any different?

And there is something comforting about looking at life in this fashion; in approaching life as if all bets are off. In admitting this, I'm giving up control. Sure, I get to put down preferences and I'm the one answering the questions in the interview but at the same time, I'm attempting to leave it up to God. Because it's certainly not me that has made all these random pieces fall together in a perfect pattern. I ran from my call to be a pastor for years. The scholarship was an act of grace that I would have never guessed could happen. In entering seminary exactly when I did I inadvertantly ensured myself a place at Christ Lutheran in Charlotte, a place I wouldn't have been able to intern at unless I would have been on the exact track I am on now. Heck, Christ Lutheran was not even my top choice. All bets are off, but yet, I'm still betting on God. All bets are off because God works in unexpected and surprising ways, ways that we may not necessarily choose for ourselves.

I am excited to see what this year brings and a bit scared as well. But I trust that even though things may not turn out the way I want or are expecting, it will somehow all work itself out. God has been faithful thus far in my life and I'm willing to bet my life that he will continue to be faithful in the midst of one of what I'm sure will prove to be one of the most stressful and defining years of my life.

Back In the Game

After nearly three long weeks I finally have internet back in my place... Well, kind of. My wireless router isn't quite doing what I want it to so until my roommate gets back with her own router and gives it a try, I simply have to do this wired.

These past few weeks have ushered in my life back here at Luther Seminary and MN. There are definitely positives to this such as seeing friends and family again, rollerblading around Lake Calhoun and Harriet, and watching my beloved Twins again at home. However, being home has already brought me straight back into the world of academia and let me say, I wasn't quite ready for this. I think coming home and writing that 20 page approval essay wasn't the best way to start it. I guess it's just a good thing that I know it's only a year.

I also started CPE this week, my clinical pastoral education or my time as a hospital chaplain. Unfortunately, I have to pay to work 25 hours a week which includes making sure I leave my apartment at 7:15 every morning so I can make it to the hospital on time. I think I'm going to be tired by the end of the semester. But, this may actually turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Let's be honest, even though I'm a good student and I love learning, there's nothing like being out there, doing ministry on the front lines in a church. Sure, I love seminary and it's great to be back around a city and people I love but I yearn to be back in a church, somewhere, on a long term basis. I want to be out there, working with the people. And CPE gives me a chance to do this. Sure, it's in a different way than I would prefer but at least it's something and it gives me a great opportunity to learn.

But, I am not completely cynical about what this year will bring. I'm excited to meet new people and hear their stories. I'm excited to take some classes with my favorite profs that will hopefully engage me and force me to speak up and step outside my comfort zone. I'm excited to talk about internship and compare stories and notes. We all have something we can learn from each other, right?

As much as I want to be somewhere else, I'm here and I have to make the best of it. I think my Charlotte withdrawal will fade with time and I know that this place is a place that I will always call home, no matter how far away I'm called after this year. Here's to a great senior year!

Approval

We all are looking for approval. Let's face it, no matter how humble or modest we try to be, getting that "good job," A on a paper or test, or that extra pat on the back always feels nice. It let's us know that we are doing something right in our life.

Right now I am in the process of writing the "approval essay" for my ordination process for the Lutheran Church. It's a 20 paper that includes writing a sermon, exegesis (meaning a paper on the text talking about the Greek and historical context, etc. I think, I'm still not quite sure what the word means), and talking about the historical aspects of the topic. The topics for this year: the Trinity.

Let me say, this has been a painful process so far. It's been awhile since I've written a paper like this. I've been used to keeping it simple whether I've been writing on this blog or typing up a sermon. My sermons are usually free from theological jargon and words that show that I've learned something in seminary, yet, mean nothing to the people in the congregation. All of a sudden, I've found myself thrust back into the world of academia. I have to prove that I've learned something, that I know how to write a sermon and exegete a passage (even though I'm not quite sure what I'm doing is right, much less good). And of course, everything hinges on this paper.

It's called the approval essay for a good reason. This is perhaps the most important paper I will ever write. If I get approved, that A, that extra pat on the back and the "good job," it means I'll be ordained as a Lutheran pastor at the end of the year. If I don't get approved, that means I'll have to wait and probably write another one of these torturous papers.

And yet, this past year I've learned there is more to life as a pastor than papers and being able to discuss what the Greek term for "bear, carry" really means. Ministry does involve the head yes, but it also involves the heart and I guess the biggest problem that I see with the approval essay is that there's little room for that part of ministry in the 20 page essay.

But enough of my complaining, it's all a means to an end. Though it's tough being back in academia, there are also joys about writing the paper. It helps this upstanding lifelong student realize that she doesn't need school anymore. It gives my returning friends a common topic to discuss and complain about. It shows me that I've grown from a follower who always kept her head down and followed instructions to someone a bit wiser who is no longer afraid to question authority. And who knows, I might end up with a great sermon series that I can use in the church when this is all done: "Three In What? Making Sense of the Trinity." If I leave the approval essay with just that and my approval, I'd say that's not too shabby.

Joy and Tears

12 hours, 7 states (North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Indiana and Illinois), half of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on CD, 2 vanilla cokes, and a Dr. Pepper later I find myself in Danville, Illinois staying at a pretty decent hotel for the night. It's hard to believe that at 7:30 in the morning I threw the rest of the bags in my little Subaru and left the place that I have called home for the past year. I'm not quite sure where the time went.

I knew that leaving Charlotte was going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done and I was right. But I also experienced more than tears and sadness my last weekend in Charlotte; I experienced immense joy. This just wasn't about me leaving, it was about celebrating what God had done through everyone to make this a very successful and fulfilling internship.

Sunday really showed me in a huge way how much bigger God is than me and my actions. The more I talked to people, the more I heard their reflections on my internship and when they talked about the impact I had on the church I realized that I couldn't take credit for it. What was going on this year was so much bigger than me. God is huge and he is big enough to take this imperfect pastor wannabe and use her to sustain a high school youth program, build a young adult group, and learn and grow and both impact and be impacted by the people around her.

Of course, I spent most of my last Sunday running around like crazy. I had the services, a reception, and then I planned the youth worship service for the night and we were trying something new, something inspired by my summers as a camp counselor. And it was a lot to pull off in a little time. But, somewhere in the chaos, it all came together. And what surprised me was that in saying goodbye to the high school and middle school youth there were not any tears shed. Instead, it was a different feeling than the tears of sadness in the morning that had both marked the sadness of saying goodbye and celebrating the relationships built. It was a feeling of the complete joy I've had working with these youth for the last six months of my internship. These youth have brought so much joy into my lives I couldn't even think about crying when I was hugging them and celebrating a year and summer well spent together. It seemed the perfect way to end my time with them.

As I head on my way home to my final year of seminary, I go bolstered in my sense of call. This year I found out that I could really do this, that I could be a youth pastor at a large, growing, missional congregation. Heck, that's essentially what I did for the last half of my internship. The gift I received from the staff was the a framed Bible verse written in beautiful calligraphy: Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" As I leave this place I go knowing that I have a call into the greater world. And I can only hope and pray that I'll find my way back there one of these days (I think I'll be taking a break during spring to visit next year). And until them, I will carry the joy and love that this congregation has given me in my heart for the rest of my days.

And because blogs are more fun with pictures...

The praise band I helped lead for Summer Praise.

The young adults group.

The high school youth group.

Better Is One Day

I have recently become hooked on a "new" song. Truth be told, it's kinda old, as in I remember first learning it in high school (which means it was at least 8 years ago, that's depressing). It's the Kutless version of "Better Is One Day." As of lately, I've been leading the high school praise band for our Sunday night fellowship/worship time called Summer Praise. I've absolutely loved doing it because well, music is one of my things. I work with a great group of people to put the songs together every week. However, they definitely have the taste for more of a rock style music which is a bit different than the camp, acoustic worship songs. So I've been trying to expand my horizons. I came across Kutless quite randomly. In fact, I think I've had their stuff on my computer for most of the year but didn't start listening to it till this summer. And I've fallen in love with their praise and worship album Strong Tower which is rock at heart.

My favorite cut off it it happens to be the song "Better Is One Day." The other people in the band hadn't heard the song before so we spent a lot of time this week running it, especially since we were playing with it, trying to get down parts and the beat, mixing things up, and what not. We were trying to do it in a very similar fashion to the album version and slowly but surely it came together. It's a powerful song when you're just doing it with a guitar and we definitely crank it up to another level with the band.

Tonight we got the chance to crank it out for worship and it was great. One of the curses of being a worship leader and being, well, me and being hyper sensitive to everything that's going on around me and also making sure everyone in the band is on the same page, that I'm singing the right words, that I'm playing the right words, and so on and so forth, well, it's hard to get lost in the music and worship like I'm used to during worship. This is the curse of being a worship leader whether I'm in front of a group of high school and middle school youth or in front of the congregation on any given Sunday. It's always a struggle to worship and to lead at the same time. Living in that tension often seems to leave me unsatisfied with both aspects of my worship life.

And yet, tonight, I totally felt it. Tonight, I lost myself in the words and the meaning behind the song. I'm not sure what was different. But, that's the thing about music, it can move you at unexpected times. And in this moment, this song spoke to me.

I expect has something to do with the fact that I now only have one week left at my internship site. I now find that time is precious. That every hour of every day needs to be spent wisely. And I also realize how precious my time has been here. It's not necessarily precious because of what I've done here or because of what other people have done for me. Instead, it's because at this place I have truly felt God. I have realized that these days have been special because of what God has done. They are special because I have truly felt Gods' presence, that I have been in his house and his courts while I've been here. I have stood on holy ground here whether it's been on the altar in the sanctuary, behind the pulpit in the gym aka Spirit Hall, on the beaches at St. John's Island for Habitat, the streets of New York City with the Experience Tour, the slopes of WV skiing with the youth, or the tile floor of the fellowship hall where we hold Summer Praise each week. God has been present in every place and I have felt like I've been standing in his courts and his house and that has been what has made each day so valuable. It is in these places and on these days that I've experience the Gospel, the love and grace of God in a very real and tangible way.

This song also reminds me of the very real need of God. For it is in God's presence that I am truly satisfied. It is there that I find grace, love, and hope. It is there that I can throw off all the sin that I carry around, all the burdens of worrying about what promises to be one of the toughest transitions of my life. It is in God's presence that I find myself in the shadow of the cross and am reminded of how much I have been given in spite of the fact that I deserve none of it. It's humbling and it gives me peace and comfort.

The funny thing is that this past year that I have found God's presence most often in the company of others. This experience has been something to be shared and has been magnified in the company of others. Though I have had my moments in solitude, the joy seems to be multiplied when I have been with others. And that reminds me of the importance of sharing this with others, of sharing these experiences with others.

And all of this is not to say that God isn't present at all times because he certainly is. In Psalm 121 it says that he who watches over us neither slumbers nor sleeps and I very much believe it. However, I believe there are those moments where we are made aware of God's presence is felt more than others maybe because we're more open to it, we're more in need, or he simply chooses to reveal himself to us in an unexpected way. I don't pretend to understand it all, I simply trust that God is present and that sometimes I get a glimpse of what it will be like to be in his courts and his house for eternity.

Better is one day in your courts
Better is one day in your house
Better is one day in your courts
Than thousands elsewhere.

Close to Home

I can't see something like this and not be deeply affected. This is my hometown. I will be moving back there in two short weeks. I might have even driven over that bridge to get home. It seems like these tragedies that grab the news are all getting closer to home for me. There was Virginia Tech this past year which is close enough to Charlotte that I could feel the very immediate effect. There was the steam pipe explosion in NYC this past July. I happened to be 5 blocks away from that very explosion and was walking around in the midst of the chaos and worries that their worse fear had come true again. And now there is the bridge collapsing. I might have been on that bridge on the way to the Twins game if I had been in the Twin Cities. No lie! Wednesdays are half price upper general admission night which I don't pass up often.

It's all very surreal. In all honesty I had to look up the bridge on the map because I had driven over it so many times that I didn't even really think about the fact I was driving over a bridge. And you know, that's how it's supposed to be. We aren't supposed to expect the worst when we do everyday stuff like go to class, walk around the city, drive home from work, etc. And that's perhaps what's the most frightening thing about all of this. Stuff like this rips away our security. It makes us question everything. Makes the ordinary and mundane something scary. We start questioning everything. And what's more, you can't avoid it. You can't not go to class unless you want to fail it. You need to be able to wander outside of the safety of your house freely. When I get back to MN, I will need to drive over multiple bridges in order to get anywhere.

Right now I'm simply grateful my family is okay. Friends are checking in and I am grateful for all the prayers on concerns of people out there. I know I'm not the only affected by this so for those of you with ties to the Twin Cities, my prayers are with you as well. And I guess I just keep on living life after all of this being painfully aware that stuff like this can happen and it can happen close to home but also that I can't live my life in fear. That I can't stop driving over bridges because of this one incident. Life is not meant to be lived in fear.

I Hate Evaluations!

I'm currently working on my year end evaluation for my internship. Let me say that I hate these things. They ask questions like: "How would you describe your general temperament/disposition as has been experienced in the congregation (e.g. angry, nervous, confident, casual, careless, serious, joyful, flexible, controlling, adaptive, etc.)?" WTF? I have no idea what that means and my supervisor (who is a very smart man) has no idea either. Grr...

I think the hardest thing for me about this is trying to put an entire year's worth of experience, growth, and learning in this very generic format. Rate yourself as a preacher as not yet competent, competent, or exceptional. Yes, I only get those three categories. Everything that I have encountered and experienced during this year goes much deeper than anything that can ever be put on this form and these three categorizations. How much does it really matter whether or not I'm competent or exceptional at leading worship? Granted, thankfully I don't fall into the not yet competent category for any of these but still.

I think the reason I'm having problems with this is it just seems like this form is so generic. I guess it has to be because all of our experiences as interns are so different. I have friends in parishes all around the country and each place is a completely different context. And yet I feel like nothing that I can write on this form will truly speak to my experience here this past year. How nothing I can write will ever be able to describe the sureness I have about my call to be a youth pastor. How there's no room on the form to qualify those moments like when I was on the Experience tour and we sang at the African-American non-denominational church and I felt the Holy Spirit in a huge way. How there is place for me to say that this church is where I made sense.

Of course, this could just be me complaining but let me say, I will be happy when I'm finally done hoop jumping and have officially been ordained (granted then I'm sure there's a whole new set of hoops but at least I'm getting paid to do what I love). Now back to the form that's already 8 pages and I'm only 2/3 of the done...

Defining Moments

This was the title for my sermon yesterday, my final sermon of the year. I would actually label preaching yesterday as a defining moment of my internship. Here it is, my favorite sermon from the year...

I’ve always had this random fascination with t-shirts with clever sayings on them. And believe it or not, the Christian contingent has put out their fair share of humorous t-shirts. There are shirts that declare, “Organ Music Rocks” and identify the wearer as a “Lutheran Stud” or “Lutheran Chick.” My favorite t-shirts are ones that either proclaim “Luther is my homeboy” or “My pastor can beat your pastor to a pulpit.”

Now many of these t-shirts have more profound sayings on them that make you do more than just chuckle. I saw one such shirt when I was at King’s Fest, a Christian music festival at King’s Dominion Amusement Park this past month. An adult a couple rows in front of me was wearing a shirt that said, “Live your life so the pastor doesn’t have to lie at your funeral.” I laughed a little when I first saw it but then it got me thinking. And as I sat down to start brainstorming about my final sermon the shirt came back to me again. Though this is not a funeral, it is ushering in an end. And at the root of the statement written on that t-shirt is the question: in the end, how do you want to be remembered? My internship is over in a very short two weeks and then I head back to MN to finish up one more year of seminary. And I find myself asking very similar questions. What will y’all say about me as I close my internship here? What will I remember the most about internship? What have I learned during my tenure here? The answers to these questions and more can be found in the defining moments of my internship: those moments, expected or unexpected, that showed me faith, grace, and hope.

We have all experienced moments of faith. They are the periods where we are peering over the edge of cliff into the unknown. Moments where we know the only way is to jump into the depths and pray for the best. They require a leap of faith. These moments always involve a bit of risk and a lot of trust in God.

For me, the first moment of faith was my first public appearance as the intern. The pastors meet at 7:30 on Sundays to go over the service order and who’s doing what. It was Sunday, August 13 and it was my first meeting. In fact, it was my very first Sunday. I came in assuming that I would simply get to sit and be introduced as the new intern and that would be it. But, of course, Scott had other plans. I was going to do the Prayer of the Day and the Apostle’s creed. Now, I’ve always said throwing me off the deep end was the best way for me to learn but I didn’t expect to jump on my very first day! I apparently was going to have to take the plunge earlier than expected. The 8:45 service was my first test, the first thing I was going to be judged on by the staff, my internship committee, and the congregation. I took a deep breath and dove in. In that moment I let the words of the prayer of the day carry me and my voice. My role has brought me to utter many other words and phrases in front of the congregation beyond “let us pray.” However, it was with these three tiny words that I started my time at Christ Lutheran. It is with these words that I found my voice, the voice I would use to preach on predestination, teach about Christ figures in movies, join with a choir of 60 high schoolers on the Experience tour, pray with people in the hospital, chant on Sunday mornings, sing I Don’t Know How to Love Him for Faith on Broadway, lead worship for Summer Praise, and more throughout the year.

The moments of faith that shape us the most are usually the ones that require the biggest risk, the longest jump, the most daring. For me this past year that has been taking the reigns of the high school youth program as interim youth director. I always said before internship started that my dream job was to be the youth pastor at a church not unlike that of Christ Lutheran. However, I hardly thought I would have the chance to do just that this year. I had barely done anything with the high schoolers during the beginning of the year because Scott and I had decided that it would be best that I concentrate on other areas of ministry since I had had the most experience with high school ministry. And all of a sudden I was given the daunting task of maintaining an already vibrant ministry. And even though Scott and I had discussed it at length, I was still shocked when he announced this change to the new Church Council in February. Though it was scary, I knew I had to step up to the plate because this was too important to not give it my all. And this jump led to other leaps of faith. Planning and executing the beach retreat, summer praise, the Experience tour, and King’s Fest were just a few leaps that I made.

And most of these leaps turned out fine. I landed on the other side relatively unscathed and got affirmation in my call to someday be a youth pastor. However, there have been times where the leap has not been so smooth. Times where I have faltered. Times where things did not go according to plan, times when I screwed up because of my arrogance or ignorance to some detail. And yet, it is in these moments that I’ve found grace; moments of grace. They are moments of undeserved love and forgiveness; they are the gift of a second chance. These moments have been many throughout the year and are as simple as letting me get back up in the pulpit after a not so great sermon, not laughing too hard when I forget how the benediction goes, or the fact that no one videotaped the unfortunate time where Pastor Jon, Jeff and I were forced to sing Britney Spear’s “Oops I Did It Again” for karaoke on the high school ski retreat.

Not even a month ago I found myself on the brink of failure. Jeff and I had been planning on taking the middle and high school youth group to King’s Fest, a Christian music festival at King’s Dominion Amusement park, for months. It was a new trip and therefore we were making it up as we went. I felt we were doing fairly well during the planning stages. However, I held off buying tickets to the last minute because we were still waiting on some people to confirm. And you guessed it, one of the days of the show sold out. I had no idea what to do. I had messed up in a big way and I felt like I had let everyone down. It was in the midst of all the chaos that I was met with grace in the form of the willingness of a few of us in the office to come up with a plan B. Though it would cost even more and stretch our budget, they were willing to work with me to make up for my mistake. Though I had messed up in a big way, we were still able to go and I even had several of the youth tell me this their favorite trip. The success of the trip was a moment of grace that reminded me that God can work through imperfect people to turn an impossible jam into the best retreat ever.

Another moment of grace I have experienced at Christ Lutheran was not necessarily triggered by a mistake. It was instead a moment where I received undeserved love and recognition. At the high school ski retreat we gathered in a circle and we each had a candle placed in front of us. There was a candle in the center which represented Christ and each of us was to light a taper off of the Christ candle and go and light another person’s candle in the circle and say a little prayer for them. It was understood that the youth were to light each others candles and the chaperons were to light the other chaperons’ candles. I took my place in the circle and waited and watched. I was surprised when one of the youth came, lit the taper off of the Christ candle, and passed the flame to my candle and said a prayer thanks over me. It was a touching moment for me because I did not know this youth particularly well and felt like I hardly deserved this small act of kindness. I don’t know if he even remembers doing this. But I certainly do. For me, it was a moment of grace, of undeserved love and friendship. And during my time here I have experienced many more of these as I got more deeply entrenched in the ministry here.

As I continued my work with the high school youth, I experienced something else, a new type of moment. I call them moments of hope. They are moments when I get a glimpse of what could be, a glimpse of where everything could lead. I know what people are saying about the youth of this nation. How they are becoming more self-involved, how they are busier and more disconnected than ever, how they are falling away from the church and that because of this the church is on its way to dying out. This is not only those who are in high school and college, these are people my age too. This is my generation. And yet, that’s not what I’ve seen this past year.

One of my tasks this year was to start a young adults group. What I was doing was going to be fighting the current. People my age are the ones that usually fall away from the church and don’t come back. They are the ones that have the hardest time with church and religion. And yet, I found that the situation was not hopeless. I found in my friends the same longing I felt. The longing to be connected to others and the longing to be connected to God. As we talked about our work, asked deep questions about the Bible, got to know each other, and used play-doh to talk about Genesis 1, I saw a spark in this young adults group. There were some extraordinary people in this group, people who wanted to deepen their faith, who wanted a relationship with God, and who wanted to get others involved too. Perhaps I felt the most proud not when we were together in Barnes and Noble drinking coffee and talking about our faith, but instead when a new young adult was visiting and I knew I could count on at least three people from our group to welcome them, introduce themselves, and immediately invite them to the group. It was in seeing this that I knew how important this group, rooted in faith, was and is to them.

I am only here for a short period of time and therefore cannot see everything through. Therefore, I have hopes tied to things I have started here but won’t see finished, the young adults group for example. And in this type of hope, I see potential, potential for it to become something more than what I have helped start. A great example of this is Summer Praise. As I talked through the program with the family ministry team and we started imagining what could be, things snowballed. Suddenly, we saw this, a time for the youth to gather for fellowship, worship, and discipleship, as something that could carry the youth group beyond my internship and into the new building. We were talking large scale and long term. The first week of Summer Praise approached faster than expected. We had adult volunteers to organize, food to order, songs to prepare, dodgeballs to find. I don’t really know whether we were truly ready or not but it came and we did it anyway. And something happened that night, in the midst of worship, pizza, dodgeball, and talking with the youth. I got a glimpse of what could be. I realized that I was a part of something much larger than myself. I would not be here to see where this would all lead. But I knew this was the start of something; I got a glimpse of the bigger picture, the one that involved Pastor Jon, Neil, Jeff, the family ministry team, the new building, and beyond. And the high hopes we had for this ministry didn’t seem to be in vain.

I’m sure I’m not the only one thinking of defining moments right now. I’m sure you’ve come up with some of you own defining moments. And this is something we always do. As we work through life transitions, we are forced to redefine ourselves. I’ll wager a guess and say that many if not all of you are also in a time of transition. Some of you are starting a new year at school or a new school. Some of you are watching your kids grow up and leave home. Some of you are redefining yourselves in new jobs and new relationships. We are all starting new chapters in our lives and as we do so, we reach back into our past to see what defines us.

The moments I mentioned are some of the ones I want to remember and the moments I want to be remembered for when I leave. However, I feel I’m missing something here. All of these moments are important and I hope they have given you a picture of what internship has been for me. However, the moment that defines me the most, is something that took place long before my internship began. You see, the t-shirt got it wrong. “Live your life so the pastor doesn’t have to lie at the funeral?” This statement completely misses the point. As I look back on my life, on my internship, it is not about what I have done on internship and how I have shown faith, grace, and hope or even how you, the congregation has given me moments of faith, grace, and hope. Instead it’s first and foremost about what God has done, what God has done through Jesus on the cross.

As we look at great moments that define us, as Christians the event of the cross stands at the center. And on the hill of Calvary, Jesus wasn’t the only one sentenced to die that fateful day. There were two other thieves on crosses of their own, one on Jesus’ left, the other on his right. One hurled insults at Jesus. The other defended him and asked the other criminal “Do you not fear God? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.” He then said to Jesus, “Remember me in your kingdom.” And Jesus answered him, “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.” This man on the cross next to Jesus had not lived a life defined by moments of faith, grace, and hope. He had most likely lived the life of a criminal filled with shame, guilt, and sin. But that didn’t matter in the end, instead what mattered was the promise Jesus offered him. This man found forgiveness in the midst of being punished for a heinous crime. Jesus offered him life with his own death and the promise of paradise and everlasting life.

Our lives as Christians are defined by moments of faith, grace, and hope and greatest of these moments can be found on the cross. This act is what truly defines us and our lives. It makes no difference whether we are an intern pastor trying to find our way, a high school youth who’s asking some big questions about a life, a new believer who is still trying to figure out the ropes, a long time believer who’s having some big doubts, a person who’s trying to hide from a shady past, or a criminal hung on a cross next to a man who others call the Christ in mockery. This moment, this act on the cross, this work of faith, grace, and hope rooted in the love of God unites us all as believers in the forgiveness of our sins and the promise of paradise.

Even though I have worked hard this past year on internship to live my life the best I can; though I’ve tried to live a life filled with faith, grace, and hope, I still have fallen short. I still am like this criminal, begging for mercy. And God’s promise stands true. Every moment I live is filled with faith, grace, and hope because of what God has done. All of the defining moments of my internship are rooted in this promise, in this moment, in this act that has brought true faith, grace, and hope into my life. It is what has allowed you and me to display and experience faith, grace and hope on my internship.

As you go out into the world, do not live you lives so the pastor doesn’t have to lie at your funeral, do not live your lives trusting in your own actions. Instead, live your life trusting that at your funeral it makes no difference what the pastor says about your life, what matters is what Jesus did on the cross for you and for all of us as believers.

As I leave my internship, I go reminded of God’s faithfulness at times when I have taken the plunge and risked it all. I go reminded of God’s grace through the grace both you and God have shown me through giving me second chances and undeserved love. I go reminded of the hope we have through God through his promises and your dedication to each other and to God in this world. You have truly made Christ known to me through all you have done this past year. Thank you and God bless.