We all are looking for approval. Let's face it, no matter how humble or modest we try to be, getting that "good job," A on a paper or test, or that extra pat on the back always feels nice. It let's us know that we are doing something right in our life.
Right now I am in the process of writing the "approval essay" for my ordination process for the Lutheran Church. It's a 20 paper that includes writing a sermon, exegesis (meaning a paper on the text talking about the Greek and historical context, etc. I think, I'm still not quite sure what the word means), and talking about the historical aspects of the topic. The topics for this year: the Trinity.
Let me say, this has been a painful process so far. It's been awhile since I've written a paper like this. I've been used to keeping it simple whether I've been writing on this blog or typing up a sermon. My sermons are usually free from theological jargon and words that show that I've learned something in seminary, yet, mean nothing to the people in the congregation. All of a sudden, I've found myself thrust back into the world of academia. I have to prove that I've learned something, that I know how to write a sermon and exegete a passage (even though I'm not quite sure what I'm doing is right, much less good). And of course, everything hinges on this paper.
It's called the approval essay for a good reason. This is perhaps the most important paper I will ever write. If I get approved, that A, that extra pat on the back and the "good job," it means I'll be ordained as a Lutheran pastor at the end of the year. If I don't get approved, that means I'll have to wait and probably write another one of these torturous papers.
And yet, this past year I've learned there is more to life as a pastor than papers and being able to discuss what the Greek term for "bear, carry" really means. Ministry does involve the head yes, but it also involves the heart and I guess the biggest problem that I see with the approval essay is that there's little room for that part of ministry in the 20 page essay.
But enough of my complaining, it's all a means to an end. Though it's tough being back in academia, there are also joys about writing the paper. It helps this upstanding lifelong student realize that she doesn't need school anymore. It gives my returning friends a common topic to discuss and complain about. It shows me that I've grown from a follower who always kept her head down and followed instructions to someone a bit wiser who is no longer afraid to question authority. And who knows, I might end up with a great sermon series that I can use in the church when this is all done: "Three In What? Making Sense of the Trinity." If I leave the approval essay with just that and my approval, I'd say that's not too shabby.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Joy and Tears
12 hours, 7 states (North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Indiana and Illinois), half of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on CD, 2 vanilla cokes, and a Dr. Pepper later I find myself in Danville, Illinois staying at a pretty decent hotel for the night. It's hard to believe that at 7:30 in the morning I threw the rest of the bags in my little Subaru and left the place that I have called home for the past year. I'm not quite sure where the time went.
I knew that leaving Charlotte was going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done and I was right. But I also experienced more than tears and sadness my last weekend in Charlotte; I experienced immense joy. This just wasn't about me leaving, it was about celebrating what God had done through everyone to make this a very successful and fulfilling internship.
Sunday really showed me in a huge way how much bigger God is than me and my actions. The more I talked to people, the more I heard their reflections on my internship and when they talked about the impact I had on the church I realized that I couldn't take credit for it. What was going on this year was so much bigger than me. God is huge and he is big enough to take this imperfect pastor wannabe and use her to sustain a high school youth program, build a young adult group, and learn and grow and both impact and be impacted by the people around her.
Of course, I spent most of my last Sunday running around like crazy. I had the services, a reception, and then I planned the youth worship service for the night and we were trying something new, something inspired by my summers as a camp counselor. And it was a lot to pull off in a little time. But, somewhere in the chaos, it all came together. And what surprised me was that in saying goodbye to the high school and middle school youth there were not any tears shed. Instead, it was a different feeling than the tears of sadness in the morning that had both marked the sadness of saying goodbye and celebrating the relationships built. It was a feeling of the complete joy I've had working with these youth for the last six months of my internship. These youth have brought so much joy into my lives I couldn't even think about crying when I was hugging them and celebrating a year and summer well spent together. It seemed the perfect way to end my time with them.
As I head on my way home to my final year of seminary, I go bolstered in my sense of call. This year I found out that I could really do this, that I could be a youth pastor at a large, growing, missional congregation. Heck, that's essentially what I did for the last half of my internship. The gift I received from the staff was the a framed Bible verse written in beautiful calligraphy: Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" As I leave this place I go knowing that I have a call into the greater world. And I can only hope and pray that I'll find my way back there one of these days (I think I'll be taking a break during spring to visit next year). And until them, I will carry the joy and love that this congregation has given me in my heart for the rest of my days.
And because blogs are more fun with pictures...
The praise band I helped lead for Summer Praise.
The young adults group.
The high school youth group.
I knew that leaving Charlotte was going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done and I was right. But I also experienced more than tears and sadness my last weekend in Charlotte; I experienced immense joy. This just wasn't about me leaving, it was about celebrating what God had done through everyone to make this a very successful and fulfilling internship.
Sunday really showed me in a huge way how much bigger God is than me and my actions. The more I talked to people, the more I heard their reflections on my internship and when they talked about the impact I had on the church I realized that I couldn't take credit for it. What was going on this year was so much bigger than me. God is huge and he is big enough to take this imperfect pastor wannabe and use her to sustain a high school youth program, build a young adult group, and learn and grow and both impact and be impacted by the people around her.
Of course, I spent most of my last Sunday running around like crazy. I had the services, a reception, and then I planned the youth worship service for the night and we were trying something new, something inspired by my summers as a camp counselor. And it was a lot to pull off in a little time. But, somewhere in the chaos, it all came together. And what surprised me was that in saying goodbye to the high school and middle school youth there were not any tears shed. Instead, it was a different feeling than the tears of sadness in the morning that had both marked the sadness of saying goodbye and celebrating the relationships built. It was a feeling of the complete joy I've had working with these youth for the last six months of my internship. These youth have brought so much joy into my lives I couldn't even think about crying when I was hugging them and celebrating a year and summer well spent together. It seemed the perfect way to end my time with them.
As I head on my way home to my final year of seminary, I go bolstered in my sense of call. This year I found out that I could really do this, that I could be a youth pastor at a large, growing, missional congregation. Heck, that's essentially what I did for the last half of my internship. The gift I received from the staff was the a framed Bible verse written in beautiful calligraphy: Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" As I leave this place I go knowing that I have a call into the greater world. And I can only hope and pray that I'll find my way back there one of these days (I think I'll be taking a break during spring to visit next year). And until them, I will carry the joy and love that this congregation has given me in my heart for the rest of my days.
And because blogs are more fun with pictures...
The praise band I helped lead for Summer Praise.
The young adults group.
The high school youth group.Sunday, August 05, 2007
Better Is One Day
I have recently become hooked on a "new" song. Truth be told, it's kinda old, as in I remember first learning it in high school (which means it was at least 8 years ago, that's depressing). It's the Kutless version of "Better Is One Day." As of lately, I've been leading the high school praise band for our Sunday night fellowship/worship time called Summer Praise. I've absolutely loved doing it because well, music is one of my things. I work with a great group of people to put the songs together every week. However, they definitely have the taste for more of a rock style music which is a bit different than the camp, acoustic worship songs. So I've been trying to expand my horizons. I came across Kutless quite randomly. In fact, I think I've had their stuff on my computer for most of the year but didn't start listening to it till this summer. And I've fallen in love with their praise and worship album Strong Tower which is rock at heart.
My favorite cut off it it happens to be the song "Better Is One Day." The other people in the band hadn't heard the song before so we spent a lot of time this week running it, especially since we were playing with it, trying to get down parts and the beat, mixing things up, and what not. We were trying to do it in a very similar fashion to the album version and slowly but surely it came together. It's a powerful song when you're just doing it with a guitar and we definitely crank it up to another level with the band.
Tonight we got the chance to crank it out for worship and it was great. One of the curses of being a worship leader and being, well, me and being hyper sensitive to everything that's going on around me and also making sure everyone in the band is on the same page, that I'm singing the right words, that I'm playing the right words, and so on and so forth, well, it's hard to get lost in the music and worship like I'm used to during worship. This is the curse of being a worship leader whether I'm in front of a group of high school and middle school youth or in front of the congregation on any given Sunday. It's always a struggle to worship and to lead at the same time. Living in that tension often seems to leave me unsatisfied with both aspects of my worship life.
And yet, tonight, I totally felt it. Tonight, I lost myself in the words and the meaning behind the song. I'm not sure what was different. But, that's the thing about music, it can move you at unexpected times. And in this moment, this song spoke to me.
I expect has something to do with the fact that I now only have one week left at my internship site. I now find that time is precious. That every hour of every day needs to be spent wisely. And I also realize how precious my time has been here. It's not necessarily precious because of what I've done here or because of what other people have done for me. Instead, it's because at this place I have truly felt God. I have realized that these days have been special because of what God has done. They are special because I have truly felt Gods' presence, that I have been in his house and his courts while I've been here. I have stood on holy ground here whether it's been on the altar in the sanctuary, behind the pulpit in the gym aka Spirit Hall, on the beaches at St. John's Island for Habitat, the streets of New York City with the Experience Tour, the slopes of WV skiing with the youth, or the tile floor of the fellowship hall where we hold Summer Praise each week. God has been present in every place and I have felt like I've been standing in his courts and his house and that has been what has made each day so valuable. It is in these places and on these days that I've experience the Gospel, the love and grace of God in a very real and tangible way.
This song also reminds me of the very real need of God. For it is in God's presence that I am truly satisfied. It is there that I find grace, love, and hope. It is there that I can throw off all the sin that I carry around, all the burdens of worrying about what promises to be one of the toughest transitions of my life. It is in God's presence that I find myself in the shadow of the cross and am reminded of how much I have been given in spite of the fact that I deserve none of it. It's humbling and it gives me peace and comfort.
The funny thing is that this past year that I have found God's presence most often in the company of others. This experience has been something to be shared and has been magnified in the company of others. Though I have had my moments in solitude, the joy seems to be multiplied when I have been with others. And that reminds me of the importance of sharing this with others, of sharing these experiences with others.
And all of this is not to say that God isn't present at all times because he certainly is. In Psalm 121 it says that he who watches over us neither slumbers nor sleeps and I very much believe it. However, I believe there are those moments where we are made aware of God's presence is felt more than others maybe because we're more open to it, we're more in need, or he simply chooses to reveal himself to us in an unexpected way. I don't pretend to understand it all, I simply trust that God is present and that sometimes I get a glimpse of what it will be like to be in his courts and his house for eternity.
Better is one day in your courts
Better is one day in your house
Better is one day in your courts
Than thousands elsewhere.
My favorite cut off it it happens to be the song "Better Is One Day." The other people in the band hadn't heard the song before so we spent a lot of time this week running it, especially since we were playing with it, trying to get down parts and the beat, mixing things up, and what not. We were trying to do it in a very similar fashion to the album version and slowly but surely it came together. It's a powerful song when you're just doing it with a guitar and we definitely crank it up to another level with the band.
Tonight we got the chance to crank it out for worship and it was great. One of the curses of being a worship leader and being, well, me and being hyper sensitive to everything that's going on around me and also making sure everyone in the band is on the same page, that I'm singing the right words, that I'm playing the right words, and so on and so forth, well, it's hard to get lost in the music and worship like I'm used to during worship. This is the curse of being a worship leader whether I'm in front of a group of high school and middle school youth or in front of the congregation on any given Sunday. It's always a struggle to worship and to lead at the same time. Living in that tension often seems to leave me unsatisfied with both aspects of my worship life.
And yet, tonight, I totally felt it. Tonight, I lost myself in the words and the meaning behind the song. I'm not sure what was different. But, that's the thing about music, it can move you at unexpected times. And in this moment, this song spoke to me.
I expect has something to do with the fact that I now only have one week left at my internship site. I now find that time is precious. That every hour of every day needs to be spent wisely. And I also realize how precious my time has been here. It's not necessarily precious because of what I've done here or because of what other people have done for me. Instead, it's because at this place I have truly felt God. I have realized that these days have been special because of what God has done. They are special because I have truly felt Gods' presence, that I have been in his house and his courts while I've been here. I have stood on holy ground here whether it's been on the altar in the sanctuary, behind the pulpit in the gym aka Spirit Hall, on the beaches at St. John's Island for Habitat, the streets of New York City with the Experience Tour, the slopes of WV skiing with the youth, or the tile floor of the fellowship hall where we hold Summer Praise each week. God has been present in every place and I have felt like I've been standing in his courts and his house and that has been what has made each day so valuable. It is in these places and on these days that I've experience the Gospel, the love and grace of God in a very real and tangible way.
This song also reminds me of the very real need of God. For it is in God's presence that I am truly satisfied. It is there that I find grace, love, and hope. It is there that I can throw off all the sin that I carry around, all the burdens of worrying about what promises to be one of the toughest transitions of my life. It is in God's presence that I find myself in the shadow of the cross and am reminded of how much I have been given in spite of the fact that I deserve none of it. It's humbling and it gives me peace and comfort.
The funny thing is that this past year that I have found God's presence most often in the company of others. This experience has been something to be shared and has been magnified in the company of others. Though I have had my moments in solitude, the joy seems to be multiplied when I have been with others. And that reminds me of the importance of sharing this with others, of sharing these experiences with others.
And all of this is not to say that God isn't present at all times because he certainly is. In Psalm 121 it says that he who watches over us neither slumbers nor sleeps and I very much believe it. However, I believe there are those moments where we are made aware of God's presence is felt more than others maybe because we're more open to it, we're more in need, or he simply chooses to reveal himself to us in an unexpected way. I don't pretend to understand it all, I simply trust that God is present and that sometimes I get a glimpse of what it will be like to be in his courts and his house for eternity.
Better is one day in your courts
Better is one day in your house
Better is one day in your courts
Than thousands elsewhere.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Close to Home
I can't see something like this and not be deeply affected. This is my hometown. I will be moving back there in two short weeks. I might have even driven over that bridge to get home. It seems like these tragedies that grab the news are all getting closer to home for me. There was Virginia Tech this past year which is close enough to Charlotte that I could feel the very immediate effect. There was the steam pipe explosion in NYC this past July. I happened to be 5 blocks away from that very explosion and was walking around in the midst of the chaos and worries that their worse fear had come true again. And now there is the bridge collapsing. I might have been on that bridge on the way to the Twins game if I had been in the Twin Cities. No lie! Wednesdays are half price upper general admission night which I don't pass up often.
It's all very surreal. In all honesty I had to look up the bridge on the map because I had driven over it so many times that I didn't even really think about the fact I was driving over a bridge. And you know, that's how it's supposed to be. We aren't supposed to expect the worst when we do everyday stuff like go to class, walk around the city, drive home from work, etc. And that's perhaps what's the most frightening thing about all of this. Stuff like this rips away our security. It makes us question everything. Makes the ordinary and mundane something scary. We start questioning everything. And what's more, you can't avoid it. You can't not go to class unless you want to fail it. You need to be able to wander outside of the safety of your house freely. When I get back to MN, I will need to drive over multiple bridges in order to get anywhere.
Right now I'm simply grateful my family is okay. Friends are checking in and I am grateful for all the prayers on concerns of people out there. I know I'm not the only affected by this so for those of you with ties to the Twin Cities, my prayers are with you as well. And I guess I just keep on living life after all of this being painfully aware that stuff like this can happen and it can happen close to home but also that I can't live my life in fear. That I can't stop driving over bridges because of this one incident. Life is not meant to be lived in fear.
It's all very surreal. In all honesty I had to look up the bridge on the map because I had driven over it so many times that I didn't even really think about the fact I was driving over a bridge. And you know, that's how it's supposed to be. We aren't supposed to expect the worst when we do everyday stuff like go to class, walk around the city, drive home from work, etc. And that's perhaps what's the most frightening thing about all of this. Stuff like this rips away our security. It makes us question everything. Makes the ordinary and mundane something scary. We start questioning everything. And what's more, you can't avoid it. You can't not go to class unless you want to fail it. You need to be able to wander outside of the safety of your house freely. When I get back to MN, I will need to drive over multiple bridges in order to get anywhere.
Right now I'm simply grateful my family is okay. Friends are checking in and I am grateful for all the prayers on concerns of people out there. I know I'm not the only affected by this so for those of you with ties to the Twin Cities, my prayers are with you as well. And I guess I just keep on living life after all of this being painfully aware that stuff like this can happen and it can happen close to home but also that I can't live my life in fear. That I can't stop driving over bridges because of this one incident. Life is not meant to be lived in fear.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
I Hate Evaluations!
I'm currently working on my year end evaluation for my internship. Let me say that I hate these things. They ask questions like: "How would you describe your general temperament/disposition as has been experienced in the congregation (e.g. angry, nervous, confident, casual, careless, serious, joyful, flexible, controlling, adaptive, etc.)?" WTF? I have no idea what that means and my supervisor (who is a very smart man) has no idea either. Grr...
I think the hardest thing for me about this is trying to put an entire year's worth of experience, growth, and learning in this very generic format. Rate yourself as a preacher as not yet competent, competent, or exceptional. Yes, I only get those three categories. Everything that I have encountered and experienced during this year goes much deeper than anything that can ever be put on this form and these three categorizations. How much does it really matter whether or not I'm competent or exceptional at leading worship? Granted, thankfully I don't fall into the not yet competent category for any of these but still.
I think the reason I'm having problems with this is it just seems like this form is so generic. I guess it has to be because all of our experiences as interns are so different. I have friends in parishes all around the country and each place is a completely different context. And yet I feel like nothing that I can write on this form will truly speak to my experience here this past year. How nothing I can write will ever be able to describe the sureness I have about my call to be a youth pastor. How there's no room on the form to qualify those moments like when I was on the Experience tour and we sang at the African-American non-denominational church and I felt the Holy Spirit in a huge way. How there is place for me to say that this church is where I made sense.
Of course, this could just be me complaining but let me say, I will be happy when I'm finally done hoop jumping and have officially been ordained (granted then I'm sure there's a whole new set of hoops but at least I'm getting paid to do what I love). Now back to the form that's already 8 pages and I'm only 2/3 of the done...
I think the hardest thing for me about this is trying to put an entire year's worth of experience, growth, and learning in this very generic format. Rate yourself as a preacher as not yet competent, competent, or exceptional. Yes, I only get those three categories. Everything that I have encountered and experienced during this year goes much deeper than anything that can ever be put on this form and these three categorizations. How much does it really matter whether or not I'm competent or exceptional at leading worship? Granted, thankfully I don't fall into the not yet competent category for any of these but still.
I think the reason I'm having problems with this is it just seems like this form is so generic. I guess it has to be because all of our experiences as interns are so different. I have friends in parishes all around the country and each place is a completely different context. And yet I feel like nothing that I can write on this form will truly speak to my experience here this past year. How nothing I can write will ever be able to describe the sureness I have about my call to be a youth pastor. How there's no room on the form to qualify those moments like when I was on the Experience tour and we sang at the African-American non-denominational church and I felt the Holy Spirit in a huge way. How there is place for me to say that this church is where I made sense.
Of course, this could just be me complaining but let me say, I will be happy when I'm finally done hoop jumping and have officially been ordained (granted then I'm sure there's a whole new set of hoops but at least I'm getting paid to do what I love). Now back to the form that's already 8 pages and I'm only 2/3 of the done...
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