You Know You're a Minnesotan When...

Today it's about 35 degrees out, probably close 40 degrees in the sun. One of the fellow pastors and I went out to eat for lunch. He drives a Mustang convertible and is accustomed to cold weather as well living in Seattle for most of his life. It's beautiful and sunny out. So we decide to put the top down and drive to lunch that way. And for the record he was wearing a sweater with a collared shirt under it and I was wearing a button up shirt with a sweater over it. Let's just say we turned a few heads. :)

You can take the girl out of MN but you can't take the MN out of the girl.

My Soundtrack I

I love music! There's no getting around it. When I was at seminary, I almost always had my iPod at hand. I have a decent amount of music in my computer. I love listening to music and attempting to do music through singing and guitar. Music has always had a way of speaking to parts of my life that I cannot communicate simply through words or actions. Music has always stirred the deepest part of my soul. And I thought it would be fun to put together a list of songs that I would use to define my life as could be found on an iTunes playlist.

The rules for this was either the song had to be significant to a certain part of my life (i.e. song that defined my senior year of college) or have lyrics that really spoke to my life. And I could only have one song per artist (I originally had about 10 U2 songs on the list!).So check out a few of my selections in alphabetical order and feel free to comment, make suggestions, and come up with your own list.

My Soundtrack Part I
1. Move Along - The All-American Rejects
2. The Adventure - Angels & Airwaves
3. Be Yourself - Audioslave
4. Audience of One - Big Daddy Weave
5. Feeling This - Blink 182
6. The Rich Song - Caedmon's Call
7. Your Grace Is Enough - Chris Tomlin
8. Fix You - Coldplay
9. Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional
10. In the Light - dc Talk
11. Did You Feel the Mountains Tremble - Delirious?
12. Times Like These - Foo Fighters
13. Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray
14. Salvation is Here - Hillsong United
15. This Road - Jars of Clay
16. Standing Still - Jewel
17. A Praise Chorus - Jimmy Eat World
18. Gold Digger - Kanye West
19. Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
20. Take Me Away - Lifehouse
21. Why Can't I? - Liz Phair

Auditions

I did something quite silly today. I tried out for our church musical. That might be humorous enough in itself. But the real silly part? I used the song "O Holy Night" and played my guitar with it. I have issues finding songs that are fit for my Alto II voice and I had already transposed O Holy Night into a singable key for myself. I figured, why not? :) Results are to come later...

I also just watched two guys do back flips on their snowmobiles live on the X-Games! Crazy!!! How do I sign up for that? Maybe I missed my calling...

Perspective

I am never more aware of the grace of God when faced with death...

Nothing can change your perspective more quickly than death...

This week I have the pastoral emergency phone. Tonight I got a call from one of our members. His wife has been in hospice since before Christmas and had hung on a surprisingly long time. However, tonight she had finally let go and passed on. She was older and this was expected. He had called one of our pastor's earlier for a visit because they sensed it was coming soon.

And here I am, answering the phone right before Grey's Anatomy started flippantly assuming it's going to be another wrong numbers (I got three wrong numbers today, three!) and all of a sudden I'm reminded that being a pastor means having more than regular office hours. I offered my sympathy and told him I could soon if he needed me. He declined my offer and I then fumbled with my words. I told him we would be praying for him and his family. And I didn't think to pray with him over the phone till now, when I'm typing this up.

I have never been good in the face of death. And it's not because I haven't experienced it; it's because I have and I know there nothing that I can say to make it better. Because words sometimes just don't cover it. Because, cliches are fairly worthless and often do more harm than help. And this is where I come face to face with the grace of God with the understanding that yeah, my words will never be enough. But his Spirit is there. "In the same way the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Romans 8:26 (Romans 8, perhaps my favorite chapter in the entire Bible)

And it has been when I have faced these situations that I have found that God's power is made perfect in MY weakness. And that is grace, that when we were still sinners Christ died for us. And I am aware of that grace in the face of death because we trust in that promise, we trust that our loved ones have eternal life because of that promise. We trust that it's okay that we don't have all the right words. We trust that our loved ones are in a better place and that God's grace is enough to cover up for their weaknesses as well.

Then I start looking at my life and everything seems to pale in comparison. It makes you realize what's important, that friendships should stand up to differences, that jobs will come and go, that distance is not a good excuse, and that when it all boils down we live by faith alone.

Gifts and Curses

I got hooked on the show Heroes in the early part of the year. NBC's lineup of Heroes and Studio 60 was perfect for my tastes and I always looked forward to Monday nights. Heroes is a show about ordinary people discovering extraordinary abilities. One of the characters, Claire, is a typical high school student. She's a cheerleader and one of the popular crowd. One day she discovers that she can't get hurt. It's kind like Wolverine's power on X-Men. If she breaks a bone, gets a huge gash, or is sliced open, she automatically heals. And this sets her apart and makes her feel alone, like an outsider. While this power saves her and others on many occasions, she often wishes she didn't have this power. In last night's episode, she is talking to an unnamed man who has the power to erase memories and per orders, had erased the memory of Claire's trusted friend, the only one she shared her secret with. However, he went against orders and left Claire's memory intact. Here's how the dialogue went:

Claire: I don't want to be alone.
Man: You are not alone Claire and I cannot give your friend back his memories. That's not how my gift works.
Claire: Your gift, is that what you call it?
Man: What do you call it?
Claire: My own, private freak show.
Man: What you can do, what I can do, that is God. Respect that calling.

This week we are talking about Jeremiah in our sermon series about the prophets. Jeremiah did not have it easy. He was mocked, ridiculed, and beaten and nobody listened to him, no matter how hard he tried. Yet, he had this amazing call from God to be a prophet, to be one who spoke the Word of the Lord to the people. This call was a gift and yet it brought so much pain to his life.

Our own calls might not be as direct as Jeremiah's and our gifts may not be as pronounced as Claire's. However, we also have this gift, this call. And unfortunately, it's not always easy. I find myself relating to this story line now as I look toward my future. Chances are, my ministry is going to bring me somewhere far from the familiar. I do not get to pick what part of the nation I will end up in for my first call. Where I get to do my first three years of ministry is essentially decided by a lottery system.

And yet, this is who I am. The gifts I have been given can best be used in this call, this call to ministry. And there's no way around it. These gifts are from God and I have to respect that call. And I suspect I'm not the only one who feels this way. These gifts that may set us apart, make us different, that may even isolate us do not feel like gifts but instead like curses. But they are gifts and they were given to us out of God's love for us and out of God's love for the world. And it through these gifts that we are able to live out God's call to be leaders, teachers, prophets, ministers, mentors, friends, siblings, counselors, children, parents, and whatever.

And God does make a promise to Jeremiah at the very beginning of the ministry. He tells Jeremiah, "Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you." And I believe that promise still stands today.

What a Weekend!

Thursday morning - My Car = A Popsicle!!! The storms that have been terrorizing the rest of the country finally came through Charlotte. Though the roads weren't that bad, my car bore the brunt of the storm. There was about a quarter of an inch of ice to scrape off. You can see the remnants of the ice under the rear window. Also, note the icicles hanging off the spoiler. It was another little piece of home in the South and I actually didn't mind scraping off my car. Seriously! :)

The rest of my weekend was full of surprises and good times. Friday night I found my way to my friend Mark's apartment with some other friends in the young adults group and we enjoyed another fantastic dinner ala Mark. At one point in time, the men were in the kitchen emulsifying and us ladies were lounging in the living room chatting. Hooray for "traditional" role reversals.

Saturday was a full day. I got to experience my second/third ordination service (I'm getting old and the details are getting fuzzy). Troy had done his internship the wrong way and done it his fourth year at seminary. However, it worked out perfectly because he was just what the church needed in an associate pastor and he was called to the church. The service served as both an ordination and an installation. And it was wonderful!!! It perfectly displayed who he was as a pastor while also keeping true to the church's character. I also had the honor of being a part of the service. And though I have been along for only a small part of this journey, there is something special about seeing it culminate in a big event such as this. And I know is has meant a lot to this church to see him grow and develop as an intern and now have him as their pastor. It was a special day and an event I will not soon forget.

Saturday night showed me another reason I want to be a youth pastor. I get to do crazy things like play laser tag with the high schoolers! I went out with the youth group and had a blast. I also schooled a fair amount of them which was fun especially since a lot of them were gunning for me after I showed a few of them up at paintball. They're a great group of people with a lot of spunk and love to show for it.

As for today, well it was a great day filled with another wonderful church service, Troy's first time presiding over communion, dinner with some dear friends, and a fitting farewell party for a friend at church. However, it was the perfect ending to the day when I turned on the Colts-Pats game when I got home after watching parts of the dismal first half at the party only to see that the Colts were still in the game. The choke artist showed up all his critics to stage an astonishing comeback! And finally, FINALLY Peyton gets his chance!!! All I can say is I can't wait for the Super Bowl! (Plus, another small piece of home will be seen at the halftime show, Prince!)

A Little Piece of Home

I was never one much to watch too much television before internship. When I was in seminary as a full time student I had a part time job, volunteer duties at a couple of churches, and was also one of the "social coordinators" at the seminary (i.e. I was the only one motivated enough to coordinate everyone to go out on the weekends). In other words, I really didn't have time to watch TV. However, even though I generally had class on Tuesday nights and volunteered on Wednesday nights, I still somehow have managed to get hooked on American Idol.

This year I find myself with more time on my hands, therefore, I have more time to watch some American Idol. I usually don't start watching until the more selective rounds but this year I had a good reason to watch the premiere. It was in my hometown of Minneapolis!!! How can you not get a little bit excited for that when you find yourself halfway across the country? So, I watched parts of it (I had to get some work done at a coffee shop last night but taped the whole thing) and got a kick out of how bad people from my home turf were. I think Seacreast made some comment about how we were the "Mid-worst."

The funniest part about the show for me was a slight inside joke with my friends. I had always commented to my roommates (the ones who got me hooked on the show) that I should try out for the show just for kicks if it came through the Twin Cities. I have a decent enough voice and can carry a tune much better than many of the people they show. So I at least probably wouldn't make a fool out of myself. And I asked my roomies what song they would have me perform on the show. They picked Standing Still for me by Jewel, one I'm known for belting loudly in the apartment with my guitar.

And of course, last night night when I turn on the television after I get home from work, lo and behold the guest judge is Jewel. I got a good laugh from that and called one of my former roomies and had a good laugh about it. So maybe it is a good thing that I'm out here doing my internship and not at home trying out for American Idol... :)

Something New

Alright, for once I felt inspired to change things up. I've had the same title for awhile and just felt like switching it up. However, there is a bit more to this than sheer boredom.

I was driving my friend Emily back to Southern Seminary and threw in a mixed CD I had made two years ago to have on in the background. The song This Road by Jars of Clay came on and it caught both of our ears. We commented on how we both loved this song and then got on with our conversation.

When I got home, I started thinking about the song again. I love the title because it's so simple and yet speaks to this huge journey I'm on that is so much bigger than my internship in NC, my experiences at seminary, and my life as I know it. And there's always room on this road for fellow travelers, wrong turns, awe inspiring stories, and so much more. The journey is the destination! So here are the lyrics that inspired the change. And I'd suggest looking up the song too, it's worth it! :)

All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow, carry us home
From alabaster come blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth

Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition only for You
May sin never hold true that love never broke through
For God's mercy holds us and we are His own

This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day
Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day through

Challenges

I heard once from a fellow seminarian that sometimes we need to preach on Biblical texts or subjects that make us uncomfortable and that challenge us. There's no use in avoiding them because well, they're going to come up every three years on the lectionary (unless you're like me and doing sermon series preaching) so you can only run away from them for so long. I find myself in that position for this coming week. I'm not preaching but instead teaching which adds an interesting twist.

The course I'm teaching is Pop Culture and Theology. It's a fun class although a small one right now (numbers in classes have been down across the board). This coming week we'll be exploring the topics of predestination and providence in movies and looking specifically at I, Robot and Minority Report (two great films in case you haven't seen them).

Now predestination and providence are two topics where I haven't exactly nailed down my theology. I can tell you what I don't believe (double predestination and the "clock" theory where God just set all the mechanisms in the universe in place and then simply said "go" and has let it run its course). However, telling you exactly what I believe, that's a whole other ballgame. I know I'm somewhere in between the two but pinpointing my exact location, that's another thing. I've always been happy to live in the tension between the two aforementioned theories. However, I know other people are not exactly happy to let me live blissfully somewhere in the middle of those two. My friends and my congregation often want concrete answers and I'm not sure I can give them any.

So I find myself looking forward to teaching a class on this in a week and putting some interesting ideas in front of them as portrayed on film. And in a few months, I'll also find myself preaching on the same topic and the question of "what is God's will for my life?" Is any of this going to be easy? Probably not. However, I do like to think it's good for me. It'll help me to articulate what I do believe. And in both settings, whether teaching or preaching, I know I can trust God to give me the words that I need. And maybe part of this is me humbly being able to say that I don't know the right and definitive answer and probably never will. Or maybe I just need to tell people I don't know and I'm fine with that. Or maybe I need to take a stand with what I believe, whatever that is...

Style Issues

I woke up today and knew I had a potentially difficult choice to make. There was a funeral at church today and I was looking at my closet trying to decide what to wear. And there it was, the collared shirt I had purchased before I had made the trek out East. I did buy the royal blue shirt in an effort to put a bit of my own style in the shirt. But that still didn't quite make it "my style."

When it comes to collared shirts, style is more than just the cut of the clothing and the color. It's about pastoral style. What does a collared shirt stand for? Part of it is authority. I think a collared shirt is a way to identify pastors or in my case, pastor wannabes. I have no idea why anyone would wear one otherwise. They're incredibly uncomfortable and not exactly fashionable.

Collared shirts also a symbol of high church, of the "old guard" (not meaning you need to be old to enjoy wearing one, I have plenty of friends my age who like wearing them). They're classical and something you'd expect to see in an old, gothic cathedral as opposed to a suburban mega church.

And the question came to me today, should I wear the collar or not? And it's a tough question for me. Wearing a collar can be nice because it is a symbol of authority and it's less likely that I'll get mistaken for an 18 year old. But at the same time, I also think the collar can turn some people off. And while I have great respect for high church and traditional services, I'm more of the contemporary, low church person myself. Who is someone my age more likely to approach, a person with a collar or a person without? I don't know. But I do know one thing, I have to be true to my own style. I need to be authentic. If I wear the collar only because I have to, I think that's both doing damage to my "image" and to the perceptions of the collar. But if I don't wear the collar even though I feel called to, that's not right either.

So, what did I do today? I wore the collar. It just felt like the right thing to wear. Is it my style? Maybe only on days with funerals. But being a pastor is a part of my identity and a collar, whether worn or not, comes with that identity. As I grow into this role, my pastoral style may change and I may find myself wearing my collar more. Or maybe I won't wear it at all. That is yet to be determined. I just hope I can be at a church that lets lets me be the one who determines my pastoral style.

The Year That Was...

...a little bit of everything. I'm still on school time so my years tend to be a bit more odd. Especially this year: 2006-2007 spanned seminary and internship and this coming year, 2007-2008 will span internship and then the first semester of my final year of seminary.

Looking back on this past year though it's really amazing to see where life has taken me. I've been to Israel and Palestine (see my other blog if you want to read more about that trip), home in the Twin Cities of MN, off to San Antonio for the ELCA national youth gathering, to MI and upper MN for camping trips, and here I am in Charlotte, NC for my internship. It's been a year of new friendships, new relationships, new places, and new jobs. It's been a year of unfamiliar territory whether it be trying to figure out how the whole internship process works, navigating around new cities, or stepping up to the pulpit at my internship congregation for the first time. It's been a full year and I don't even know where to start when I look back and try to explain it.

But I did run across something that I wrote in a journal awhile back when I was looking to my middler year in seminary, the year that spanned 2005-2006. "All bets are off." And you know, that quote fits my life so well and all that seminary and internship has been. I was convinced that I should be in Vegas for my internship but somehow knew that Charlotte was where God was calling me. I've seen a relationship sizzle and then fizzle out as quickly as it had began. I've found friendship in the most unlikely places (dd Peckers!). I found out I actually love cold weather. I've found my known strengths in the church affirmed (youth and young adult ministry) and am doing my best to face my weaknesses (pastoral care for the elderly).

But all of this isn't supposed to be about looking back. It's also supposed to be about looking forward. And much like last year, I have no idea what to expect. I know I need to slowly start phasing myself out of the leadership of the young adults ministry. I want to step up and help fill the gap that was left when one of our youth ministers resigned. I want to work on opening up more to people and try to move from independent-to-a-fault to just independent. I need to step it up for my theology and pop culture class. I want to use my vacation time wisely (NYC, NJ, and Boston anyone?). I feel like I should fail at one thing, preferably not my internship project or I should bomb at least one sermon because it's better to do it during internship than out in the parish (although I'm sure it will happen there too, it's probably more about learning how to accept that failure gracefully). And this is just internship! I still have a semester of school in the mix as well which I honestly don't even want to think about yet. But I do know I have to get my CPE forms in stat for a fall CPE site. I want to do well in my classes of course and be approved for ordination (man, I'm really not looking forward to those interviews). And that's about all I can muster for the school year. We'll wait till August for that. :)

And one thing, as I look at both the year that was and the year that is on the horizon, I want to make sure that I'm also living in the present, living in the moment. And balancing all of these is an artform and I hope I'm able to do that as this year progresses. Anyway, I'm done rambling for the night. And I'm going to say, as I face 2007, I have a feeling that all bets are still off! :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

How is it 2007 already??? Hope you all are having a fun and safe New Year!!! More to come later! Peace!