Failure Is (Not) An Option

I don't fail often. It's just one of those things the over-achiever in me doesn't like to do. Yet, as I got geared up for my internship year, it was made very clear to us that we would probably fail and this was not a bad thing. Instead, we were told to fail because internship was the time to do so since we would only be with the congregations for a year and they would be the most forgiving. This didn't put my mind to ease though. Fail? What? Me? Inconceivable!

Last week however, I found myself on the brink of failure. The middle school youth director and I (the high school youth director) were planning a trip to King's Fest, a Christian musical festival at King's Dominion Amusement Park in Richmond, VA. It was our first time taking a group there and we were learning the ropes as we went. I took on a lot of the administrative stuff which was a lot trickier than I expected. We were waiting for people to lock in to go from the Middle School (one of my pet peeves, just commit already people!) and then Jeff and I were both out of time which made it nearly impossible to get all the information possible. There weren't as many kids as we hoped coming. We were way over budget. The concert was also for three days and one of the days had sold out, complicating the matter even further.

I was at a loss. I felt awful! The worse feeling in the world for me is letting someone else down and I felt like I had done just that. We were way over budget which doesn't help the church. We weren't going to see Casting Crowns or Kutless who I knew people wanted to see. And I had no idea what to do.

This moment revealed to me some of my greatest on-the-job weaknesses: my willingness to do everything whereas I should have been passing on some of the tasks to other people, not putting my foot down on numbers months ago when all the money was due, not taking a stand on some places where we could have cut costs, living by the "I'll do as much as humanly possible for the trip just because I can" mentality, and my all out stubbornness. I was between a rock and a hard place and spent about 5 hours on the phone last Monday trying to clean up the mess I had made. I spent the rest of the time apologizing to my supervisor about everything and taking the blame.

And found what I hope anyone would find at a church, whether they are a long time member or staff member or a first time visitor in the pew; I found grace. Even though we were already over budget, we were going to go anyway and spend more money to get to the tickets for the two separate days and figure out some way to earn back the funds. And you know, the trip was a huge success. Even though it was a smaller group than we had hoped the youth made up for it in a big way. We had a blast in the park and I had a great time bonding with the youth while we waited in line for the rides and walked around the park together. It was also a great experience on a faith level. The music was incredible and it wasn't just about a band getting up and performing, it was about worship. Between Newsboys, David Crowder, Thousand Foot Krutch, Todd Agnew, and Jeremy Camp we all got a great taste of the best Christian music has to offer. Singing "Amazing Grace" with 10,000 other people was simple breathtaking.

This past week I was reminded that failing is okay, that it's a part of life. I was reminded that I need to realize that I fail, that I fall short because through this I can be reminded of what grace really means. I found grace at my congregation and on the staff in letting us go anyway. I found grace in how the youth loved the trip despite the scheduling snafu that meant we couldn't see one night of shows. I found grace in how despite poor planning God showed up in a big way in so many places that week whether it was through a conversation, singing "Take My Life" by Jeremy Camp and head banging with the other high school youth, or praying with a crowd of 10,000 people.

If I never failed, I would never know the true meaning of grace. I would never know the love of a God. Grace is not based upon the fact that I don't fail, it is instead based on the fact that I do constantly fail and fall short of God's standards. However, by realizing that I fail and fall short, I can understand what grace, this undeserving love of a savior really means.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast."