Commitment

Last year, while I was pondering job options I got this advice from a friend, teacher, and mentor: "guard your heart." In other words, don't get too attached to the idea of taking a call here in order to make sure you don't get hurt. Don't commit because it might end up breaking your heart.

Not surprisingly, this wasn't hard for me to do. I have always been a bit jittery about commitment whether it's not getting my hopes up with jobs, relationships, and life and general. I don't like to count my chickens before they hatch in other words.

And yet, there is something to be said about taking the plunge, about giving your heart to a cause, a place, or a person. Yes, it is dangerous because you can end up getting hurt in the end if something doesn't go through, if someone doesn't reciprocate, if you're counting on something only to be let down. But at the same time, I always wonder how much we can really go forward while still guarding your heart, while still holding something back.

In order for any relationship whether it be friendship or relationship with a significant other to work, you need some sort of vulnerability. It requires commitment. And I've found the same as I've search for jobs this past year. I lost one potential call because I was guarding my heart. I didn't want to fully commit because there was a chance that I wouldn't get what I ultimately striving for and it cost me. Sure, I had everything to gain by getting placed in NC but I also had everything to lose if I committed to NC and then never got the job. I wasn't ready to put my heart and life on the line and because of that, I didn't get placed there.

Instead, months later I still found myself waiting for something to come and it did in the form of a church in the area. I prayed, negotiated with the synod, and got my name put through as a candidate. And it was scary because it was already May, most of my good friends had calls already (and deservedly so!), and my student loans were going to come due in July. And this time I knew there was no holding back. I put my all into interviewing, into preparing, into researching the congregation, and found a place that I could easily see myself calling home. But with each subsequent round came another chance for me to lose something. Each new round gave them a chance to reject me, turn me down, and spit me out into the world again, back where I started with no job and a lot of stress. And yet, even though I knew that I could get crushed so easily, there was no holding back. Each round I got more attached to the idea of me at this church. Each round I found myself plotting out in detail my first six months in the congregation. Each round I found myself more vulnerable to being so close to the job and also so close to heartbreak. And yet, in spite of all of this I found myself in a new place. I was finally ready to commit.

Yes, it was scary. I warned my friends that if I didn't get this job I would probably be a mess for at least a week. I tried to come up with a Plan B but my heart was never really into it. I prayed, A LOT. I let my guard down truly trusting that God could clean up this mess and mend my heart if it came down to that. Because even though we do not live in a faithful society, I believe in a God that is faithful in spite of everything. Yes, I will take the plunge, I will commit, I will take my guard down because I need to. This world calls for it in order for relationships to form, for there to be friendships, for there to be that true vulnerability that fosters trust but yes, we will and I'm guessing most of us have been let down. But we also have a God who promises to pick up the pieces and put us back together again and make us whole in the truest sense. And we have a God that is fully committed to us, even though we let God down and break God's heart time and time again.

But the great thing with committing is the reward will often outweigh the risks. Friendships are strengthened, relationships are deepened, and people get to know and love you for who you really are. And in my case, as I went CALL OR BUST I finally found the former. On August 6 a church in the Twin Cities metro area will vote to call me as their Pastor of Small Group Ministry and LiveWire (their alternative/contemporary worship service). It's not necessarily written in stone yet but I'm willing to commit before the chickens hatch in this case. And I hope to bring this same vulnerability to the call. I hope to be able to give my heart to this congregation, this position, this ministry, these people, and this amazing call from God. And even if they don't love me back at times (and I'm sure there will be struggles going the other way too), I will still do my best to stay committed because they were willing to take the chance on this pastor wannabe in the first place.