Done!

So, today I turned in my last paper... for seminary... ever! This means I've officially finished grad school which seems hard to believe! It's been quite the journey and I'm still not sure how I feel about it other than relieved. The knots that were forming in my shoulders (I carry my stress in my upper back) have all started unknotting and I keep of feeling like I should be doing something or reading something.

But after four years of blood, sweat, and tears this ending is still very bittersweet. With the turning in the final paper begins the beginning of the end. Soon I will be saying goodbye to some amazing friends as we all go our separate directions to first calls in churches. It feels great to be done but I will miss having giggling fits in the library over something that really isn't that funny, talking baseball over lunch in the cafeteria, sitting in the designated "senior spot" in chapel even though the services are less than inspiring most of the time, and knowing that my friends are just a phone call and short drive away. Ah, the life of a grown up. Either way, I'm so grateful to be done with school and to be able to leave this place with my sanity. It's been quite a ride and I look forward to walking with my class 1.5 weeks from now. Maybe by then this all will have sunk in...

Finals!

So, this is my last round of finals, possibly forever (unless I decide to someday go back for a Ph. D. or D. Min. which sadly, will probably happen). So, hence the lack of posting lately! It's been quite the ride and I have 2 of my 4 finals done already. Granted, I saved one of the hardest and one of the longest (albeit, I will "enjoy" writing this paper) for last. Whew!

It's funny, I really think the quality of my papers has degraded since I've gotten back this year. My friends and I were joking that we should actually footnote one of our papers with "senioritis" because I think we have all been feeling it. But, everything will get done and I should be walking in 2.5 weeks and finally receiving my Masters after 4 years of blood, sweat, and tears.

One interesting thing about the end of this year is I've found myself being a lot more cynical than normal. Most people would describe me as pretty happy-go-lucky in my normal life but I just haven't been feeling that at the end of this semester. I'm just so ready to be done. And I just don't care anymore. And while some people may view this cynicism as a negative thing it's actually been surprisingly good for me. Because in this cynicism I've found myself asking a lot more challenging questions about the system and about doing ministry in the church. I find that because of my frustration I find myself seeing places where I'd like to see change. And for someone who has spent most of her life following the rules to a "t" it's been good for me to question, challenge, and dream up ways to change things. The main trap that I can fall into now is lapsing into the place where I don't care enough to make the changes. So here's hoping this finals week doesn't suck the life out of me enough to make me not question but also strive to answer and change.

2 papers left...

Hiatus

Hi friends! Just thought I'd let you know that I won't be blogging on this site for the next week or two. I'm prepping to head down to Orlando for a conference on young adult ministry called Leadnow. I'm traveling with a couple of friends from seminary and from the "church start" out in Stillwater called The Source. We will all be blogging on http://leadnowconference.blogspot.com/. Please check this blog out for our thoughts on speakers, ministry, and what God is up to in the lives of 20 and 30 somethings.

The Character of Evil

I'm behind on my movies watching. Really behind. Hence why only now have I finally seen 4 out of the 5 movies nominated for Best Picture. I actually was fortunate enough to catch 3 out of the 5 before the ceremony (Juno, No Country for Old Men, and Atonement) but I finally got around to seeing There Will Be Blood this weekend which I was told would make me think again about my pick of No Country as the best of the lot (and No Country was the one that did eventually take home the Best Picture win). Both were phenomenal movies in my opinion. But I'm not here to necessarily talk about the movies as a whole but to talk about two of the most amazing, fierce, haunting, and disturbing characters I've seen in any movie in a long time. Both movies had two villains for the ages and both actors rightfully took home Oscars for their brilliant performances.

Warning, if you haven't seen the movies and want to and don't want the endings ruined I suggest you stop reading now...

Seriously, don't read on, this is what they call a spoiler alert...

Alright, you've been fairly warned. The two characters portrayed in the films, the bounty hunter Anton Chigurh in No Country For Old Men and the oil tycoon Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood are absolutely fascinating. They are both calculating, well spoken, and ruthless at what they do. They show no remorse and in one particularly chilling scene, Anton has a very creepy smile on his face as he chokes an unsuspecting cop to death.

Perhaps the most disturbing part of both movies are the endings. In both movies, things are not wrapped up neatly in a bow and justice has not been served. In both cases, the villains keep going. They aren't killed off, they aren't arrested and brought to justice. The movies both end rather abruptly leaving us wondering what just happened. And let's face it, we want those nice, neat endings. We want justice, we want to know that evil of this magnitude gets what it deserves. But instead we are left knowing that these villains, these evil men keep on living and perhaps go on to wreck more lives.

I think I'm a bit weird because I appreciate these types of endings. Because when it comes down to it, life isn't wrapped up nice and neatly in the end usually. And as scary as it may seem, there is evil out there right now that isn't being brought to justice. Evil exists out there in very real ways. I am reminded of this more than ever now as tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the Virginia Tech shootings something that no one still has an explanation for. And yes, this thought is scary and worrisome. I don't like the thought that there are men like the men portrayed in this two movies or people who will walk into a school, shopping mall, or crowded market and open fire on anyone around them. It's hard knowing that there are ruthless killers out there, people willing to do whatever it takes to get their way, people with no discernible conscience, people who will use others to get their way, people with no fear of the consequences from others or from God.

So, how do we do it? How do we go on knowing that there is great evil out there? I think we keep going because we know that there is a potential for great good in the midst of great evil. I am reminded of the story of the professor who blockaded the door in order to save his students. I am reminded of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German Lutheran Pastor who headed up an assassination plot against Hitler. I am reminded that even though the church has not always put its best face forward in the name of God (see the Crusades) it also has done much good through mission trips, partnering with countries in need, preaching the Gospel through service and love, and welcoming others with open arms. I am reminded that even though we put God on a cross because of our sins, God took that and turned it on its head and used it for the greatest good possible, the forgiveness of our sins. Yes, great evil persists today as these two movies testify. But great good exists as well and it will always overcome this evil through Jesus' death and resurrection.

If Seminary Were a Marathon...

I'd totally be hitting THE WALL right about now.

I remember having that nervous excitement at the beginning of seminary coupled with the question of what the heck have I gotten myself into? It was very much like that at the starting gates of my first (and hopefully not my last) marathon 2.5 years ago. I was excited and scared out of my mind. I had done most of the "training." I had a solid college education, experience volunteering in the church and working at Bible camp, leading groups and worship at college, etc. And yet, I wondered how this prep could really prepare for the long journey that seminary was going to be. Looking back on it, I really didn't know what I was getting myself into in both cases. But I was there and I was in it for the long haul, 26.2 miles in one case and 4 years of grad school in the other.

The first half of my first year I remember feeling like I was at mile marker 1 and wondering how the heck I was going to make it another 25.2 miles. There were hard core marathon runners all around me, people were sprinting ahead of me, and people seemed to have this confident swagger about their run. I on the other hand was tentative, unsure, and scared that I had gotten in way over my head. The excitement wore off and instead I was left with a feeling of dread. Was I really supposed to be doing this? I'm not sure my body was built for this? How in the world can I fit in with all these other people who definitely look like they were made for this? But, at the same time, as all these doubts were running through my head I was well aware that it was just mile 1 and I had plenty more time down the road to figure that out.

I remember hitting my stride around mile 7. The adrenaline had wore off but I had a good pace going and I was feeling really good! The second half of my first year and second year of seminary were like this. I finally was feeling confident enough to speak up in class, I was starting to "get" the assignments. Pieces were falling into place for internship and I was excited about how this might all turn out.

I actually really enjoyed the mid-part of the marathon. When you hit mile 13.1 you have a good idea of how you might finish and as I looked at the clock I was ecstatic. I might actually finish the with a faster time than I had thought. Internship was like this for me. You get a small taste of what the finish might look like and for me, that finish was amazing! Time flew during that year or the next 7 miles. It was a wonderful year and it made me that much more excited to finish up and finally reach my goal.

However, before the finish came mile 20, The Wall, the last year of seminary, where all the endorphins have worn off, where everything has lost its luster, and all you have is yourself to push you that last 6.2 miles to the finish. And to make it worse, right after you hit the wall you have a huge hill to climb. That's how the Twin Cities Marathon was set up. You hit mile marker 20 and then have to go from the lowest elevation of the course to the highest in a very short amount of distance. For me, I hit that hill right when I got back and bit off more than I could chew with CPE and classes. However, the funny thing is I've always negotiated these massive, steep uphill runs easily when it comes to both running and life. I guess I just see the challenge and gladly meet it head on because well, it's easy to see the endpoint in that case and you know it's just a short uphill jaunt and it will soon be finished.

However, where I am now is different than that. It's one of those long, unrelenting, gradual hills that came at mile marker 24 and I'm just so ready to be done. My body and mind are yelling at me to just be done with it already. They can't take any more abuse. They can't exegete passages on words like Paraclete and dissect systematic theology anymore. I feel like I'm being asked to sprint this last 6 some miles of the marathon and I'm just not feeling it.

And yet, the tension is that I'm also so close to that finish. It's that I've got people surrounding me who have been through that same grueling 24 miles and are also close to the finish too. It's that I've had people on the sidelines the entire way. It's that I've spent way too much time and effort even before the race started to quit. It's that my will won't let me give in to my apathy. It's that it's only a measly 2.2 more miles.

Even though I may have walked a lot of my last 6.2 miles in the marathon and am doing a whole heck of a lot of walking this last year of seminary, I'm still going to finish. There's no way I can't at this point. There's no way I won't let myself. And I think when I'm done with my classes on May 14 and have all my course work turned in on May 16, I'll finally be able to see that finish line. And I still remember bursting into joyous tears when I came over the hill on Summit and saw the Capital and the finish. It's going to be a wonderful feeling.

And I know that for us as seniors, we will be finishing up the first of many marathons. But the great thing about finishing a marathon is that you know you can do it and if need be, you can do it again. Mile 24 be damned, I'll see you in 6 weeks mile 26.2!!!!!

Small Spaces

I was asked this week if I was claustrophobic. It's an interesting question to be asked but in the context it made sense. I was getting ready for an MRI on my ankle (yes, I finally went in and am having it checked out after over a year of annoying but minor pain and tightness that just won't go away) and was asked this question. I said "no" without stopping to think. Granted, the MRI didn't even fully cover me since it was only on my ankle and I think I might have fallen asleep in the middle of it today. Goes to prove that I can really sleep through most anything (other than the annoying car alarms that go off frequently near our apartment, ugh!). However, it did remind me of a little story that I never got around to writing about.

This past summer I went on tour with my internship congregation's high school choir. We were hitting up the Northeast part of the country including Philly, NYC, and DC. I somehow also got put in charge of making the video of the tour which included taking footage throughout the entire to capture the good, bad, and ugly moments on the bus, touring, and in the various hotels. I took my job really seriously (because when have I been known to do anything halfway, well, not counting this semester of seminary) and stayed up later in the night in the hotel lobbies in order to rip the footage from the video camera onto my computer. It was tedious and it meant later nights but it was nice to have everything on the computer so I could reuse the tapes.

One night we were staying in a really nice place in DC. It was about 1 a.m. and I had finally finished ripping the stuff onto my computer! Thank goodness! It had been a long day of touring and travel and I had been behind so I had extra stuff above and beyond our marathon day of touring to put on my computer. I was tired and ready for bed. I patiently waiting for the elevator and then punched the "4" button and leaned up against the side of the elevator willing myself to stay away for this short ride. The doors shut and all of sudden the elevator lurched and the "4" was no longer lit nor was the elevator moving. I punched the "4" again. Nothing. I tried "1." Nothing.

Hmmm, another thing they don't teach us at seminary: what to do when you get trapped in an elevator on a youth retreat.

I sighed more annoyed than anything and pushed the call button. "Umm, yes, I stuck in the rightmost elevator. Can you please help?" The assured me they'd had me out of there at no time. Until then I was comforted knowing that there was only one floor underneath me so if the elevator were to fall it wouldn't be too bad.

I took a seat and was reminded of the movie "You've Got Mail" and wished for some good company. Shame it was 1 a.m. otherwise I could call someone and make a good story out of this. There's a fun phone call:
Hi!
Hi Tasha! How are you doing?
Good! Really good other than the fact I'm stuck in an elevator.
(Maybe I should just try that sometime just for fun)

Anyway, within 10 minutes they had gotten me out (the elevator just had to be reset, who knew that elevators needed to be reset) and I elected to take the stairs to my floor.

Moral of the story: Thank goodness I'm not claustrophobic otherwise that would have been miserable.

Some Random Humor

These are some random quotes that I ran across awhile back and found them funny so I thought I'd put them here in lieu of a more serious blog post. I promise I'll actually write something more substantial sometime soon! :)

''Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.''
DWIGHT (RAINN WILSON), ON THE OFFICE

''A sport without black people ain't a sport. That's just a game!... That's like me saying, 'Ooh, I got the highest SAT score in the whole world, but no Asians took the test.' What kind of crap is that? 'I just won the marathon. No Kenyans could run, though!'''
CHRIS ROCK EXPRESSES SKEPTICISM ABOUT BABE RUTH'S ACHIEVEMENTS IN PRE-INTEGRATED BASEBALL, ON THE LATE SHOW

(I think I find the last one particularly funny because I always joke with my friends that I fit most of the Asian stereotypes out there)

Meeting Needs

I’ve spent most of my seminary career telling anyone and everyone that once I graduate I want to specialize in high school youth ministry. It’s something I’ve loved doing since I was in high school. I have a decent track record in the field between being a mentor when I was in high school, multiple summers as a camp counselor, volunteer work in various churches, and then actually doing it in Charlotte on internship. However, since near the midpoint in my second year in seminary I’ve been toying with another kind of ministry: young adult ministry.

Now, I didn’t know much about young adult ministry going into seminary. Sure, I had been involved with campus ministries in college and I know that I am a young adult (young adults are generally categorized as those of us who are twenty-something) but didn’t know anything about young adult ministry. The main reason for this was because there aren’t really a lot of Lutheran churches out there doing young adult ministry. And yet, there’s no denying that there are not very many young adults involved with church. Those two realizations combined point to a great need for young adult ministries in the church.

On internship my project for the year was to start a young adult ministry. I did my best considering there were really no resources out there and I only had a year to pull this off. And you know, I loved the experience. I loved it as much as I loved working with the high schoolers. And I had just started. I didn’t even get to do as much I would have liked to with the ministry (small groups, an alternative worship service aimed at young adults).

As I start looking at my first call and thinking about articulating my passions to the synod I wonder what type of ministry that I am truly called to. Is it going high school youth ministry? Is it young adult ministry? Is it both? The more and more I learn about young adult ministry through helping start an alternative worship service in Stillwater and contemplate the lack of action in many churches and note the reality that there isn’t that much out there as far as resources go for young adult ministry, there is no denying that there is a great need for young adult ministry. The need is so palpable I can’t get away from it. And it keeps on coming back to me this year. It seems like as I work on the practical projects for my classes I’m drawn more and more to young adult ministry simply because there is a need.

This is the big question for me now: Is the call to the need or is recognizing the need a call in itself? Confusing? Alright, so, I’m the type of person who sees a need and likes to meet it. It’s just my nature. While I worked at the hospital as a chaplain I saw a great need for caring, compassionate and competent nursing staff and I couldn’t help but wonder how I would do in the medical field. But, that isn’t my call. However, at the same time, I can’t help but wonder if sometimes our ability to recognize a great need is a call in itself. Isn’t recognizing that a friend is in need of someone to listen to them a call to actually go and listen? I wonder if the fact that I see that there is such a great need for this type of ministry is God gently nudging me in that direction. I’m not quite sure yet. But I think this is all something we have to discern in our lives. You may love working with the church and see the need for good pastors but not be called to be a pastor. You may see the need for wonderful teachers in urban settings but not be called to be a teacher. Or maybe you are? I guess when it all comes down to it, all we can do in these situations is continue to discern the call and pray… A LOT.

Trying to Keep it Real, Radical, Relevant, and Reverent

That was my task for preaching at the Luther Seminary Chapel this past Friday.

Keep it Real - Preach the Gospel, proclaim the forgiveness of sins, and do this through a style that stays true to who I am as a pastor-to-be and to my own passions when it comes to preaching and worship. In other words, incorporating all the things I love into a 20 minute worship service that I could be proud of. This meant choosing the proper text (John 11, the raising of Lazarus), the music that I felt would be a good fit, and calling in some favors from friends inside and outside the seminary.

Keep it Radical - This is in terms of the Luther Seminary Chapel. Now, worship here tends to be very traditional. Let me say straight up that I am not knocking traditional worship. I think traditional worship done well can be wonderful! It can be uplifting and can convey the Gospel in a very compelling way. But, I think there is also a place in the church for "contemporary" worship as well (and of course, well done contemporary worship, there is definitely some bad contemporary out there). And truth be told, I often prefer "contemporary" praise and worship services. It's just who I am and it's my style and I think worship done in the contemporary/alternative style can go a long way for outreach. Anyway, I digress. There hadn't been much contemporary worship done in chapel this year so I decided that in order to stay true to myself and my passions as a worship leader I would do something "radical" and use contemporary music and a band for worship.

Keep it Relevant - In this sense, I mean keep it relevant to the community. I wrote my sermon with the Luther Seminary community in mind. Now, you will generally never have to preach before a more difficult crowd. I knew I would have some wonderful theologians and preachers not necessarily critiquing me because they want to cut me down but that's just what naturally happens. This is not a message I will necessarily ever give anywhere else but it felt like the right message for this place.

Keep it Reverent - And, of course, this is not about me. This whole thing has never been about me. Instead, it is all about God, what God is doing in our lives, and what God has to say to us through the music, the worship, the preaching and the prayers. It's all about what God has done for us through is Son Jesus Christ. So, that is the center of it all.

All in all, preaching in Chapel was a wonderful and affirming experience. It gave me a chance to proclaim the Gospel to some of the closest friends. It also showed me that yeah, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. There was something that was so energizing. It felt right on every level. Granted, it does feel good to be over this hurdle and have one less thing to plan. But when it came down to it, stuff like this is what I really do want to be putting my energy into. And that means that I'm on the right track which is a nice feeling.

Check out the video for the service if you want. Thanks again for everyone's support through this process! I couldn't have done it without you!

Area Code

Thursday was the big day. It was the day when all the Bishops of all the Synods (areas within a larger region) were meeting to decide where all of us assigned to Region 3 would be serving our first years of ministry. Being assigned to Region 3 I knew there were lots of options. It includes MN, ND, and SD. The synods are Western ND, Eastern ND, SD (as a whole), NW MN, NE MN, SW MN, SE MN, the Minneapolis area, and the St. Paul area. I had put down Eastern ND, Minneapolis, and St. Paul on my forms but had no idea how it was all going to play out. Minneapolis and St. Paul are notoriously hard synods to get into because they are so big and so popular. There are people from all over jockeying to get into these synods because there are a lot of great churches in the area and it is kind of the Mecca of the ELCA. Plus, there are all sorts of people with families, houses, spouses with jobs, etc. in the area that really have legitimate reasons to stick around. However, since I am interested in large church ministry (churches that worship 500+ per week) and specializing in youth and young adult ministry and there happens to be an abnormally large amount of these types of congregations in these areas, I put both Minneapolis and St. Paul down because I figured I didn't have anything to lose.

Thursday was the day that Bishops gathered to figure out where all ~45 of us would be heading within Region 3. To say that us Region 3 seniors were a bit anxious that day would be a major understatement. We spent a good part of the day checking and rechecking our cell phones to make sure they didn't go off and nervously asking each other if the other had heard any news yet.

I was happy to retreat to my apartment near 6:30 to have some privacy as I waited for the call. My roommate and her cat were my company and I decided watching a rerun of last week's episode of LOST (which also happened to be brilliant) would be a good way to alleviate my anxiety.

As I looked at my cell phone and attempted to will it to ring, I knew that area code would most likely tell me everything I needed to know. 701 is for ND and would mean Eastern ND for me. The dark horses, Minneapolis or St. Paul would show one of the many Twin Cities Metro area codes such as 612, 651, 952, or 763.

And all of a sudden it happened. My phone started ringing and I looked down to see a 612 area code. I gave a loud whoop and yelled at my roommate, "IT'S FOR MN! IT'S FOR MN!" And taking a deep breath I answered the phone and was told "Welcome to the Minneapolis Area Synod!"

I got off the phone and could not believe what had just happened. I remembered being told over 4 years ago when I started this process that sticking around the Twin Cities was not an option. I remembered that I had spent a large part of my seminary career proclaiming that I wanted to get far away from the Midwest. I remembered shocking myself when I put down Region 3 as my first choice on my paperwork. And now, here I am. Apparently God isn't done with me and the Twin Cities yet. And I trust that this is where I'm called to be. It's going to be hard, there's no getting around it. I'm competing with some very competent and exceptional friends that also got assigned here. I won't just be going up against first call people for a call to a parish, I'll also be going up against people with experience in the field. It could be awhile before I find that call that seems to fit just right. But apparently God decided that it wasn't time for me to move out of this area just yet. And I'm excited to see what God has planned for me these next coming months as I start looking at churches, interviewing, and preparing to finish up 20 years of school. All I have to say is bring it on!